The Lost (Echoes from the Past Book 9)

by Irina Shapiro

  “I could murder a cup of tea,” Jude said as he dropped into a chair. “I came straight from the airport. Didn’t even have time to change.”

  “You look very authoritative,” Quinn remarked, taking in his uniform and beret, amazed that her drug-addicted, self-destructive brother had turned into this strong, self-assured man whose solid presence was somehow very comforting.

  “How’s Logan?” Jude asked. “Never mind; don’t answer that. I’m sure Logan is fine. It’s Rafe who’s probably falling to bits,” he said, shaking his head.

  “He seemed a bit fragile,” Quinn agreed.

  “I just can’t see Rafe having a kid,” Jude said. “He’s so…”

  “So what?”

  “He’s still a kid himself,” Jude explained. “Having a child is a massive responsibility. I think once the dust settles, Logan will feel like he has two children to care for.”

  “Aren’t you being a little harsh?”

  “No,” Jude replied. “In the army, you learn pretty quick who’ll have your back should things go pear-shaped. You know whom you can trust.”

  “And you don’t think Logan can trust Rafe?”

  “I think Rafe is great. I just don’t think he’s ready for fatherhood. I hope that a year from now, Logan won’t find himself a single parent.”

  “I hope not. He really loves Rafe,” Quinn pointed out.

  “I think Logan misses Colin,” Jude said. “Colin was so—I don’t know—solid, I guess. In that relationship, Logan was the baby, and I think he kind of liked it that way.”

  “Colin is getting married,” Quinn said.

  “Blimey. Is he really? Well, good for him. He’s a decent bloke. He deserves to be happy.”

  “And what about you? Anyone new in your life?”

  Jude tried to suppress a smile, but the light in his eyes told Quinn what she needed to know.

  “You’ve met someone.”

  “Yes. Tamzin. We’ve been seeing each other for about three months now,” Jude confessed. “She’s—” His face finally split into a grin. “She’s like no one I’ve ever known.”

  “You’re in love,” Quinn said, grinning back at him. She was glad to see that Jude had finally let go of Bridget. Having been his twisted muse and heroin-addicted lover, Bridget had come dangerously close to also being his executioner when their drug-addled sex game had gone too far, but it had been Jude’s near-death that had finally given him the push he’d needed to finally take control of his life.

  “I am. Tamzin is nothing like Bridget,” Jude hastily added. “She really has it together. She’s also smart, gorgeous, and willing to lower her standards to go out with a tosser like me,” he said, still smiling. “Way out of my league. And so hot.”

  “Is Tamzin a civilian?”

  “No. She’s a staff sergeant in the Military Police. I met her during an investigation into the death of a friend.”

  “I’m sorry. About your friend, I mean.”

  Jude inclined his head in acknowledgement but didn’t elaborate.

  “Are you and Tamzin making plans for the future?” Quinn asked, still in awe of this new Jude.

  “We’re taking things slow. I haven’t told Mum about her yet,” Jude said, suddenly looking worried. “Looks like I get a couple days’ reprieve.”

  “Why haven’t you told her?”

  “I don’t want her to worry that I’ll go and do something rash,” Jude said.

  “Like get married?”

  “Like get married. She’s always telling me I’m too young to settle down with one woman.”

  “I think she’s just not ready to share her baby,” Quinn said, smiling at him.

  “I think you’re right,” Jude agreed. “But hopefully, she’ll be too busy with Logan’s baby to pay much attention to my love life.”

  “Does Logan know about Tamzin?”

  “Yes, but I’ve only just told him. He’s happy for me.”

  “I’m happy for you too. I hope she’s the one,” Quinn said.

  “You know, Quinn, I don’t really believe in The One. I believe in The One Right Now. I would like Tamzin to be my future, but if things don’t work out between us, then there will be someone else down the line, someone who might be a better fit for the person I will be then.”

  “That’s a very mature attitude,” Quinn remarked, surprised by Jude’s ability to think so rationally.

  “I thought I’d never find another Bridget. I clung to her. She was my first love. But once I was able to distance myself from her, I understood what a destructive influence she had been in my life. I have to be good with myself before I can commit to being someone’s husband or father. I need to know that the person I’m with brings out my best, not my worst qualities.”

  “And does Tamzin do that?”

  “I really think she does. I feel stable when I’m with her, and loved,” Jude said, looking dreamy. “Even when we’ve had a row, I know that she still loves me regardless.”

  “That’s exactly how I feel with Gabe,” Quinn said. “That’s how real love is.”

  Jude nodded. “Can I stop by tomorrow? I’d like to see the kids and say hello to Gabe. I’ve actually brought some presents for the kids. I think they’ll like them.”

  “You know you don’t have to bring them presents every time you see them,” Quinn said with a smile.

  “I know, but I want to. It makes me happy. Besides, who else have I got to spend my money on?”

  “Tamzin?” Quinn suggested.

  “There aren’t a lot of places to spend your money on base. When we do go into town, we splurge a little.”

  Jude was about to say something else when Rafe and Rita returned, carrying two cups of tea.

  “Where’s Logan?” Rafe asked, looking panicked.

  “They’ve already called him in,” Quinn said. “It won’t be long now.”

  Rafe sank into a chair while Rita handed the teas to Quinn and Jude. “Nice to see you again,” she said to Jude, but there was no warmth in her tone. She’d probably heard too much about Jude’s past exploits from Rafe, who seemed to share an awful lot with his mother.

  Jude accepted the tea and nodded his thanks. “Yeah, you too,” he mumbled.

  The arrival of Rafe and Rita had put an end to the personal conversation, so they all sat in silence, too anxious to speak of trivial things. Quinn leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes, recalling her last foray into Jocelyn’s life. She wondered if Captain Denning had been the father of Jocelyn’s baby and what had happened to the man. Perhaps he’d died, which would explain why Jocelyn had left New York City. With a child on the way, she would have needed the support of her brother, even if they didn’t see eye to eye. The eighteenth century had not been kind to single mothers, especially if the child was born out of wedlock. Had Jocelyn known about the pregnancy when she’d boarded the ship, or had she left New York for other reasons?

  Chapter 59

  September 1777

  New York City

  Jocelyn barely saw Captain Denning over the next two weeks. He was either closeted in his office or out, accompanying Major Radcliffe to various meetings. When at home, the major always seemed to be around, coming down to breakfast early and staying up well past the time Jocelyn normally retired to her room for the night. He was as courteous and polite as ever, but there was a watchfulness in him she found unnerving. Did he know something? Did he suspect? Did he think she was using his aide-de-camp to gain access to sensitive information? He hadn’t expressly forbidden them to see each other, but his obvious displeasure was directed toward Captain Denning rather than herself, or so it seemed.

  Jocelyn and Captain Denning had managed to carve out a few private moments, sneaking out to the garden while Major Radcliffe took his evening bath, which lasted a minimum of a half hour. Mostly they just talked, but their relationship had changed. Their attraction to each other was undeniable, and their stolen kisses left Jocelyn feeling guilty and conflicted. The major’s house
was no longer a stage where she had to play her part; she was now the playwright, pouring out her feelings and setting the actors up for a final act, in which someone would inevitably be betrayed, and hearts would break.

  Going about her chores, Jocelyn kept an eye on the major’s study and the captain’s office, but both rooms were locked when the men were out and no one but Mrs. Johnson was allowed to go inside, and then only with the major’s express permission. Word had come down from Richard Kinney that Jocelyn was to find out all she could about the upcoming campaign against General Washington’s army. She didn’t know whether Richard had people placed in other military households and had several sources of information, but she had to do her utmost to find out more, and the only way she could do that was by talking to Jared. She had begun to think of him as Jared, an intimacy she shouldn’t have permitted herself, since it made it even more difficult to draw the line between espionage and romance.

  “When will you know if you’re leaving?” Jocelyn asked anxiously as they sat on a bench in the back garden, their faces gilded by the light spilling from the parlor windows.

  “Soon,” Jared replied.

  “Is an attack on the Continental Army imminent?” Jocelyn asked, her heart thudding.

  Jared nodded but didn’t elaborate.

  “I’ll miss you,” she said, and knew it to be true.

  “I will miss you too, Jocelyn,” Jared replied. “But I will come back. I promise.”

  “Not if you will be stationed in Philadelphia.”

  “Philadelphia is not so far away. I’ll ask for furlough.” Jared reached out and took her hand in his. “I wish I didn’t have to leave just when we’re getting to know each other.”

  Jocelyn leaned against him, enjoying the solid feel of his arm beneath her cheek. He made her feel safe in a world where nothing was certain. He cared.

  “Would you ever consider a life in England?” Jared asked, tilting his head to look at her.

  “No. Would you consider a life in America?”

  Jared thought about that for a moment. “I might.”

  “Even if the British lost the war?”

  Jared smiled wryly. “I don’t care about the war. I joined the army because I needed a career, a path forward that didn’t depend on my father’s generosity, or lack of it. It wasn’t from any deep sense of conviction.” He wrapped his arm around her, his expression tender. “Jocelyn, I’ve never been in love. I’d always assumed I’d remain a bachelor. Stay in the army, climb the ranks, then, if I didn’t encounter a musket ball with my name on it, retire and settle down in some small cottage by the sea. I’d never imagined having a woman by my side, or children. But once I met you, all that changed. Somehow, living alone in a cottage by the sea now seems terribly lonely and incomplete. What type of life did you envision for yourself before all this?” he asked.

  “I suppose I always thought I would marry and have a family, but then my father died, and suddenly I found myself alone. I’d grown used to being on my own. There’s a certain freedom in making your own decisions and not having to answer to anyone, but it’s lonely too, and at times, very frightening.”

  “Can you see your way to not being alone?” Jared asked.

  “Depends on the circumstances, I suppose,” Jocelyn replied with more seriousness than she’d intended.

  “I’m in no position to make promises at the moment, but I want you to know that I’d like to give you everything: home, family, security, and tenderness,” he said softly.

  “I thought you said you are not a gentle man,” Jocelyn teased. He still intimidated her at times, especially when he was in a temper, something that seemed to happen more often these days and was usually the result of a closed-door meeting with the major or a visit to General Howe’s headquarters.

  “I will be tender with you,” Jared said, lowering his lips to brush hers. “You make me want to be a kinder man, Jocelyn. You bring out my protective instincts.”

  “Jared, we hardly know each other,” Jocelyn replied, unable to commit.

  “We’ve lived in the same house for months,” Jared said. “That’s more intimacy that most couples enjoy before they marry.”

  “I’ve lived in the same house as Major Radcliffe and Robert Sykes as well,” Jocelyn pointed out, “but I don’t mean to marry either of them.”

  “Does that mean you mean to marry me?” Jared asked. It would have been a playful question had he not looked so darn earnest.

  “I don’t recall you proposing,” Jocelyn replied, inwardly chastising herself for playing along. This wouldn’t end well, for either of them.

  “Would you?” Jared asked, and she knew he was completely serious.

  “I don’t know,” she whispered. “I’m not in a position to make promises either.”

  “Then can you promise to wait for me? Say, until Christmas?” Jared asked softly.

  Jocelyn stared at him in disbelief. Did he expect the war to be over by Christmas? Were the British really so confident in their strategy?

  “Do you expect your situation to change in three months?” she asked instead of giving him an answer.

  “I do,” Jared replied. “You didn’t answer my question,” he said, watching her.

  “I’m not going anywhere,” Jocelyn said. That was as close to an answer as she was willing to give.

  “But where would I find you if you were to leave the major’s employ?” Jared asked, taking her hand in his.

  “I honestly don’t know,” Jocelyn replied. She supposed she’d stay with Anna Reid for a while, but she couldn’t reveal the location of her safehouse to him, not when she was feeding information he’d shared with her to the Continentals. She had never mentioned Anna in his presence, nor would she make him aware of her existence. “I’d get a message to you. Don’t worry,” she promised. “I’d leave word at the King’s Cross Inn.”

  “Do I have your word on that?” Jared asked, his eyes anxious.

  “You do. Now, we’d better go in. I have no wish to give the major any more reasons to be displeased. He’s been in a mood,” Jocelyn said, rolling her eyes in exasperation. “Same time tomorrow?”

  “I’m afraid not. Major Andre is hosting a supper tomorrow in honor of General Howe. I’ve been invited to attend.”

  “You’re moving up in the world,” Jocelyn said, and instantly wished she’d kept quiet. Major John Andre was the head of the British Security Services in North America and had a reputation for being fiercely intelligent, incredibly cunning, and ruthlessly charming, but being a maidservant, Jocelyn wouldn’t know that. She did know, however, that he was a very handsome man, having met him once when he’d come to dine with Major Radcliffe, and a perceptive one. He’d watched her from beneath hooded lids as she served at table and had even asked her a few questions about her family and past employment. His gaze had never left her face as she replied, her expression calm, her voice even. She may have been quivering with terror inside, but she didn’t think he’d known that. He had complimented her on her looks and thanked her for staying up late to look after the men who’d chosen to linger over their port.

  “Hardly,” Jared said as he followed her inside. “I was only invited as a courtesy to Major Radcliffe. I think he wants me there.”

  “Why?”

  “Probably to keep me away from you,” Jared replied.

  “Is he that concerned about impropriety under his roof?” Jocelyn asked, arching one eyebrow. Did the major think her relationship with Jared had taken a less-than-respectable leap? She’d done nothing inappropriate, other than allow a handsome man to kiss her. She was a grown woman, for God’s sake, entitled to a few chaste kisses.

  “The major is a meticulous man, disciplined and correct in his habits. You and I are a complication he can’t control, and that rankles him.”

  He can control it, Jocelyn thought. He can simply request another aide-de-camp.

  “He can replace me, of course,” Jared said, as if he’d read her thoughts, “but he
can’t forbid me to see you. You are free to choose who you spend your time with.”

  “He can dismiss me,” Jocelyn pointed out.

  “I don’t think he will,” Jared replied thoughtfully. “I imagine he thinks he’s looking out for you.”

  “Perhaps he is,” Jocelyn said playfully. “How am I to know you can be trusted?”

  “You can trust me with your life,” Jared said, his brows knitting together as his expression grew serious. “Jocelyn, I would do anything to keep you safe.”

  She nodded, overcome by emotion. No one had ever said anything like that to her, not even her father or brother. “You’re a good man, Jared.”

  “I’m really not, but you make me want to be better.”

  He held the door open for her, and she stepped inside, wishing the major wasn’t so averse to opening the windows. It was hot and muggy and smelled of the haddock Mrs. Johnson had prepared for the major’s supper.

  “Goodnight, Jared,” Jocelyn whispered.

  “Goodnight,” he said, and kissed her softly on the lips. “For the first time in my life, I’m looking forward to Christmas.”

  “Don’t get your hopes up,” Jocelyn said, but her smile told him otherwise.

  Chapter 60

  March 2018

  London

  Having stayed long enough to visit with Chrissy and meet baby Max, who had a shock of black hair and a stubborn chin identical to Logan’s, Quinn and Jude were ready to leave. Quinn was glad to see that after that brief wobble at the beginning, Logan had taken charge of the situation and was already making plans for taking Max home and hiring a baby nurse for the first few weeks to teach him and Rafe how to care for Max properly and help with the night feedings. He hadn’t mentioned what Chrissy’s role in Max’s life would be, and Quinn didn’t ask. Presumably, everything would work itself out in time.

  “Do you want to come by?” Quinn asked Jude once they walked out of the hospital into the crisp evening.

  “No. I’ll just go to Mum’s, get out of this uniform, and enjoy some peace and quiet for a few hours. It’s been a long time since I’ve been completely alone. I see fish and chips and a beer or two in my immediate future.”