Life Is Not a Reality Show

by Kyle Richards

  “What?” I said, “But I thought it was good that my cheekbones are showing!”

  “No,” she said, “it’s a sign of aging.”

  Well, if it’s a sign of aging, then sign me up, because I looked like a jack-o’-lantern when I was sixteen! Now everyone wants to look like a jack-o’-lantern! Except me, apparently.

  I have friends who are only thirty years old who make a face and say, “Oh I have a line here, I’m going to put Botox in it.” Well, Portia has a line in her forehead when she makes that face! Should she have Botox? Is it really not okay to have laugh lines? We can’t look like we laughed at some point in our lives? Let’s not get out of control here.

  And there’s so much plastic surgery! So much bad plastic surgery! I know people who’ve had things done to their faces to the point they don’t look like themselves anymore—they end up more like Jim Carrey in The Mask! I just think, What have you done? It’s horrifying. And it doesn’t make anybody look younger. You look the same age but with work done. And when the work is so obvious, you might as well wear a sign on your head that says, “I’m insecure.”

  Kevyn Aucoin, the late, great famous makeup artist that I so admired, wrote in his book that a perfect face is a boring face. You don’t want to look like a Barbie. The women with the most beautiful, interesting faces always have some little quirk, something a tiny bit off.

  I look at my niece Paris, for example. She has such a gorgeous face; her bone structure is beautiful. And she has the nose that runs in our family, a little bit long at the tip. It’s similar to mine. If she were to ever get a nose job and end up with a little button, I think it would destroy her face. Or look at Jessica Simpson—that little bump on her nose makes her so pretty!

  Kathy, Kim, and I all have our mom’s nose. It always bothered me that it came down a little bit in front, especially when I smiled. So a few years ago, I finally got up the courage and had a nose job. I’d never been under in my life. I still have my tonsils and my wisdom teeth! Really, I’m a wimp. So I was scared of the whole idea of surgery. But after I’d gone through it, I thought, That was nothing!

  But I ended up really regretting it anyway. My doctor who did it is a great doctor, and my nose doesn’t look “done.” He did a good job. It’s just that while I got rid of the beaky part of my nose that came down, I was left with a little bump at the top. A bump I’d never had! So I did away with what I hated, but also ruined what I loved. It wasn’t worth it. Now, my better side is my right, when it used to be my left. Was it worth it? Hmm, not really.

  You can’t change one part of your nose, or your face, without changing some other part in the process. Now I know that. It just goes to show you that if it’s not an emergency are you sure you really want to go through all that?

  Implants are one thing I never wanted. I mean, sometimes I wish I had perfect boobs. Yes! But implants? No way. Not only because my mom died of breast cancer and it scares me to have something foreign in there, but because I think implants look ridiculous. Unless it is medically necessary, I’m sure your boobs look just fine.

  It’s a running joke that everyone in Beverly Hills has had a boob job, but it’s the fillers that I’m afraid are getting to be an epidemic of nightmare proportions. Even girls who have youthful, full faces are doing it. Such a shame. Everyone is plumping out their cheeks and puffing up their lips so much it’s like we have a bunch of chipmunks and blowfish walking around town.

  I have to tell you, back when they were using synthetic collagen instead of all the Restylane and Juvéderm and other line-fillers they have now, I went with a friend who wanted some for her lips. They asked her if she had done the test to make sure the collagen wouldn’t cause a bad reaction. She said, “Oh no, I don’t have the time or the patience for that.” So the doctor said she’d use something else instead that didn’t require any testing.

  They filled up her lips and when they were done, my friend said, “What’s in the filler?”

  “It’s collagen,” the doctor said, “it’s from a cadaver.”

  Oh my God! We both almost had a heart attack. How disgusting is that? My friend was flipping out. I kept telling her “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’s fine.” But I was thinking “Holy S*&T!” Thank God it wasn’t me.

  Even without cadavers, getting injections in my face causes me a lot of anxiety. I would not want to be the doctor shooting me up! I start hyperventilating. I’m afraid it’s going to my heart! I can’t feel my eyeball! I can’t breathe! Can you imagine if they find out one day that we’re all going to die from this? This would be one empty town, let me tell you. It would be two old men walking around alone and maybe a few dogs.

  So the moral of this story, as if you couldn’t tell, is: go easy! If you’re going to do something to your face, think minimal. Think moderate. A natural-looking face is a prettier face.

  First of all, don’t be rushing to do any of this when you are young! Appreciate your beauty. Later on, if you want to do something, remember, less is more. Please, for all our sakes, don’t overdo the filler! And don’t make the mistake of thinking surgery will make you look younger. It won’t. In the hands of a good surgeon it may make you look better—or not. That’s the risk you run when you go under the knife.

  Above all, try to embrace who you are and what you look like and the number of years you’ve racked up. Because really, it’s far preferable to looking in the mirror and finding a stranger staring back!

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  I don’t always use foundation. In the daytime I often just wear tinted sunblock, either Laura Mercier or Proactiv. They make you look like you have nothing on, yet they give enough coverage to even out your skin tone. Proactiv looks incredibly natural. When I want more coverage, Make Up For Ever has a liquid foundation that’s amazing, especially for filming. It’s called HD Foundation, and I’ve really found it to be the best one around. I put on my foundation last because the eye shadow sprinkles down on my face and I end up washing it off.

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  There’s Lipstick on Your Teeth

  One of the lip glosses I can’t live without is L’Oréal Infallible in Sunset, even though I’ve worn it on the red carpet a couple of times and people have said, “Oh Kyle, you have something on your teeth!” I love it so much I wear it anyway. I’ve heard of smearing Vaseline on your teeth to keep your lip gloss from smearing on them, but really, must I? Yuck. I’d rather just wipe the lipstick off.

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  My favorite blush in the entire world is called The Balm, and the shade I love is Hot Mama! You can buy it online or in boutique makeup stores like Sephora. It’s actually a shadow and blush all-in-one that comes in a powder. I’ve shown it to the makeup artists I’ve worked with, and they’ve all started using it themselves. I like cream blush because it looks so natural when you put it on, but I gave up on it because it comes off in about two minutes.

  I haven’t been wearing lipstick lately—I’m more into lip gloss. I have about fifty of them! My most beloved lip gloss ever is Trish McEvoy Irresistible. It’s really sparkly, looks nice in pictures, and stays on. But I don’t care who makes the lip gloss—or any of the makeup—as long as the colors are pretty. Some of my favorite lip glosses are inexpensive, like L’Oréal No. 8, Fairest Nude.

  Again, I want to emphasize: there is no need to pay a lot of money for this stuff!

  I like to wear bronzer, so I went into Saks one day and I said, “What’s your best bronzer?” The guy just gave it to me and I didn’t even ask him how much it was, though I certainly ask the prices of a lot of things. But really, how expensive could it be? And then I got the bill. Oh my God! It was $120! This tiny little compact. I was miserable. I was so embarrassed to go return it that I asked my sister to take it back for me! So then I went to the beauty supply store and got this bronzer the size of a grapefruit in a gorgeous color for $10. I thought, Yes, that’s more like it! I mean, how do they charge me $120 for a bronzer just because it has a cute compact? Are you kidding me?

&
nbsp; If you can locate a good beauty supply store near you, they will have a variety to choose from. Otherwise, look online to find sources that have a good selection and prices.

  As much as I love makeup, I go without it a lot. During the day, unless I have a work-related thing to do, or a birthday lunch, or something like that, I wear tinted sunblock and lip gloss and that’s it. I think it’s good to give your skin a break. If I have a big party at night, I just wear moisturizer all day, get in the shower and wash my face and then I have a clean canvas for my evening makeup. I think makeup always looks best the first time you apply it for that day. It never goes on as well or looks as good when you’ve had to take off a bunch of makeup first and start all over. So, if you have a special event in the evening or a late afternoon meeting, you might want to forgo wearing makeup earlier in the day and start with a fresh canvas before the event when you really want to look your best.

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  Face Time

  In season 1 of Real Housewives, in one episode I wanted Kim to have a makeover before she went on a big date. So I took her to my facialist, Carina. I don’t know if you saw it, but Carina puts this huge contraption on you that penetrates to the deep layers of the dermis and tightens your facial muscles.

  I think it truly does make my face feel much tighter and gives it a glow, especially when she adds microdermabrasion. But when you’ve got that contraption on, you look like Hannibal Lecter from The Silence of the Lambs! It’s crazy, and it never gets old laughing at it. Every time I go there I take a picture of myself with my Blackberry and start laughing, because I just cannot believe some of the things we do to get beautiful! It doesn’t hurt—it’s actually relaxing—and Carina is amazing. But it looks really scary!

  After that episode aired, people bombarded me with questions about that facial. And then so many people started going to her that she had to hire extra people to help her. Hey, with unemployment so high, I might as well send some more people her way, right? Ha! She’s at carinaskincare.com.

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  Because I have dark hair and dark eyebrows, it’s easier for me to get away without wearing makeup. When I was a blonde, it made me feel more washed out, because I didn’t have the framing effect of the hair and the brows. If you have light hair, you may want to supplement the sunblock and gloss with a swipe or two of mascara to give your face a little more definition.

  Of course it’s always easier to go barefaced if you have great skin. And having great skin has a lot to do with what you put into your body. I do believe that limiting junk food and eating healthily will benefit your skin. I took special vitamins for my hair, skin, and nails when I was in my twenties. I do recommend a good multivitamin. And don’t smoke! Look, I’m not a doctor, but most people who smoke tend to have drier skin and hair. One more reason to quit!

  Don’t get your hopes up too high about all the creams and potions and lotions you can buy to miraculously transform your skin. Take all the claims with a grain of salt. Nothing’s going to turn back the clock ten years; I’m sorry. Some products can make your skin look healthier and more vibrant, but it’s a matter of finding the right ones for you. Once again, there’s no substitute for trial and error. Skin is very individual, and what clears up one person’s acne can turn someone else’s entire face red and inflamed. Obviously your dermatologist can help, unless she’s intent on pushing some super-expensive line of products that she sells in her office. Maybe what she’s selling is great, but don’t be pressured into buying something you can’t afford, because there are effective, lesscostly alternatives.

  Same goes for the department store. I can’t believe young girls who will shell out a week’s salary for a little jar of face cream. Your skin care regimen does not have to be that expensive.

  And this will be familiar too: less is more, even when it comes to skin. My mother very much had a less-is-more approach. Talk about low maintenance—she used nothing but Nivea on her skin her whole life and didn’t have one wrinkle!

  These days there are so many kinds of skin products with all sorts of ingredients and supposed benefits. It’s temping to get a whole variety of them to target every possible flaw from every possible angle. But you have to be very careful piling on treatments. Some of them will cancel each other out and, worse, you could end up with really irritated skin. So don’t go overboard. I use a line called Verabella on my skin. I love their products so much I teamed up with them.

  Now I won’t spend $200 an ounce for a skin cream, but I do go to a higher price point for my skin care than I necessarily do for my makeup. Makeup is here today gone tonight, but your skin is forever. You can still get good products at a drugstore. Whatever your beauty budget is, I would make skin care a priority over face paint.

  * * *

  Vanity and… My Vanity

  Makeup is one of the most fun things about being a girl, isn’t it? Oh my God. After I get my hair done in the morning, or whenever, I like to sit on the counter in my bathroom with my feet in the sink. That way I can get really close to the mirror. I prop up a book I just love, Making Faces by Kevyn Aucoin, who was a genius. I flip through it and think, What am I going to look like for tonight? I cannot recommend the book more highly—not only for all the different looks, but for all his great tips.

  As you might imagine, all my makeup and tools and everything can take up a lot of space, and as you know, I’m not an organized person—whereas Mauricio is a neat freak. So when we renovated our new house, he had the bathroom designed so that the vanity would have the two sinks, one for each of us, and in the middle between them he had the marble counter cut out and lowered to create a space for my stuff, so it would be out of his way. It works better this way!

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  Browbeaten

  Recently I got a question on Twitter from someone who asked me, “Who does your brows?” I answered, “I do them myself.”

  So then someone else weighs in and sends a message like she’s outraged. “There is NO WAY you shape your eyebrows yourself. Why don’t you just be honest about it?”

  Uh, what could I say? The truth! “I am being honest about it,” I said. “I shape them myself. Really, it’s not that hard!”

  * * *

  Even though I do have several skin products, when I travel I pare it way down. Unless I’m going for longer than five days, I just take a heavy moisturizer. For longer trips, I pack all my products, but then I have to check them in my luggage, and I always worry they might be lost.

  I also bring a little spray bottle of Evian when I fly to spritz my face on the plane, to make my skin less dry. And another tip I learned from my sister Kathy: as soon as I get to the hotel, I lay out a hand towel on whatever space I have in the bathroom and line up all my beauty products so they look pretty and organized in a clear working space. I need a neat area to work in because, as I might have mentioned, I am not an organized person, and pulling myself together can be a lot of work sometimes. I need all the help I can get!

  One of my absolute rules is I never go to sleep with my makeup on. I don’t care how late or crazy my night is; that makeup is not staying on my face. During the day, all kinds of pollution ends up on your face. So if you don’t take your makeup off your skin absorbs all that and makes it look old or can cause it to break out. Get it all off there and give your pores a chance to breathe.

  I use Verabella cleanser to wash my face. I don’t want heavy soaps that make my skin feel stretched and dry. I like something that is gentle but does the job. And then I put on my gels and creams. My husband can never get used to how long it takes me to get into bed.

  * * *

  Sunbathing

  Getting real suntans is just not my thing anymore. I used to sunbathe years ago, and I love to be out in the sun, but I don’t like baking in it now. Recently I was in Cabo, in Mexico, and I thought I’d let my guard down and get a little color. But I ended up with a little sunspot on my cheek. I thought, That’s it. I’m never doing that again.
It’s fine to be out there relaxing in the shade, but why be working on a tan when you can just get a fake one and save your skin? I used to use tanning lotions by Clarins and Lancôme, and I still think they’re good, but now for convenience I just either have a girl come to my house to spray me—it takes under five minutes—or run up to the booth and get sprayed.

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  * * *

  My Must-Have Beauty Products

  Eye shadow: MAC (Satin Taupe), NARS (all colors)

  Mascara: L’Oréal Voluminous Full-Definition and Carbon Black Voluminous

  Eyeliner: Make Up For Ever waterproof liner for inside the eyelid, Hashmi Kajal kohl eyeliner (available on eBay)

  Eye Makeup Remover: Andrea EyeQ’s Makeup Remover Pads, Oil-Free and Ultra-Quick

  Concealer: Bobbi Brown (in Sand), Dermablend Professional Cover Creme

  Tinted Sun Block: Laura Mercier, Proactiv

  Foundation: Make Up For Ever HD Foundation

  Blush: The Balm

  Lip Gloss: Trish McEvoy, L’Oréal, MAC Viva Glam 5

  Lip Balm: Burt’s Bees

  Skin Care: Epicuren, Verabella

  Face Wash: Cetaphil, Verabella

  Toothpaste: Colgate whitening toothpaste

  Breath Mint: Altoids

  Body Lotion: St. Ives with Royal Jelly

  Sunless Tanner (bottle): Clarins, Lancôme

  * * *

  My nighttime routine drives my husband insane! By the time I get to bed, he’s been sound asleep for thirty minutes! He’s said to me, “You think you could shorten your routine a little bit?”