Life Is Not a Reality Show

by Kyle Richards

  I say, “If you want me to look good, this is the way it goes! It’s work!” Ha-ha!

  I am not lazy about my manicures and pedicures, though. Whenever I see women who are really put-together, they always have one thing in common: nice manicures and pedicures. To me it’s such a shame when you see someone who looks very nice, you know, the clothes, the purse, the makeup—but then her nails are chipped. It just kills the whole deal.

  So I always make a point to keep my hands and nails looking as perfect as possible (though I otherwise don’t give my hands any attention, because they’re past hope. I did not get my mother’s hands; I got my father’s, and let’s just say I’ll never be a hand model. I have learned to accept the fact that I just don’t have nice hands. Period. End of story. Good hair, bad hands. Ha-ha!).

  I usually do my nails in a natural tone, unless I’m trying something out, but I have fun with the colors on my feet. For the summer, I’m into sparkly, bright colors and in the fall I like deep purples. I’m neurotic about getting germs so I take my own tools to the salon. But I don’t go to the salon all the time, as you know, and certainly not every time I have a chipped nail!

  Every woman should be able to do her own nails, and don’t tell me you can’t! I know it’s hard to do the right hand if you’re right-handed, and vice versa, but you just have to learn to do it yourself! DIY is a beautiful thing!

  CHAPTER 10

  Kyle Style

  I always say that I’m a juicy drummette—you know, the tiny but meaty part of a chicken drum. That’s me—I’m five feet three inches on a good day, I have big boobs, and I carry my weight in my stomach. I’m a drummette!

  People say, “You can’t be fat when you’re a size 4!” You’d be surprised. I have a small frame, but my weight goes up and down, and I can get chubby easily. I’m not saying I’m fat, just that I have my problem areas. I’ve always tended to gain weight around my middle, and by now, four kids later, we’re talking muffin top.

  When I say that everybody laughs and says, “Oh please, you don’t have a muffin top!!”

  Listen, you don’t know it because I won’t show it! That means I’m doing my job!

  I love fashion, but being stylish and well-dressed is about much more than picking the coolest things off the rack. As much as I adore clothes, handbags, shoes, jewelry, hats, and so on, I have to be selective—in fact, downright strategic—about what I wear because my body isn’t perfect by any means. Not everything looks good on me.

  I wasn’t into fashion when I was younger. I was kind of a tomboy, so I didn’t care so much about what I wore. But Madonna came on the scene when I was about fourteen, and that’s when I started playing with fashion. I had to have the lace and the gloves with the cut-off fingers, all that stuff. It was ridiculous! When the movie Flashdance came out, I had to have the sweatshirt with the neck cut at an angle and falling off my shoulder. I cut up every sweatshirt I owned!

  Then as I got a bit older, I took to copying what my sister Kathy did because I thought she had good style. But she dressed very mature for her age, wearing things like Chanel suits at twenty-five. That was elegant, but too mature for me, so I’d copy her but play with it. Maybe make the skirt shorter and wear a hat.

  I’ve learned a lot about fashion and style since then. And the older I get, the more I learn. But one principle above all stands the test of time. The absolute most important rule of style is: wear what looks best on your body.

  So simple and yet so many people do not seem to grasp it. Camouflage your flaws and highlight your assets. Cover your worst features and show your best. Simple.

  For example, I’m not going to put on a pair of really low-rise jeans that creates a monster muffin top that will knock your socks off! But I can get away with showing my legs.

  All through this book I’ve been emphasizing confidence, and I do believe that I’m a confident person. You may feel it’s a contradiction for me to criticize parts of my body—but I don’t. I can be a confident person and not like certain things about my body. I know my flaws. I don’t love them and am not gonna parade them around for all to see, but having some imperfections is just life. It’s part of accepting who you are and being confident anyway.

  My middle has always been my problem area. I’ve had four kids, and I’ve never had lipo or had my boobs done, and that’s just the way it is. I’m very grateful to Miracle Bras and Spanx! But I still have to be diligent about finding clothes that work with my body.

  Jeans are actually a perfect illustration of what I’m talking about—and what it takes to do what I’m talking about. The concept of dressing for your body is simple, but finding the garments to fill the bill often isn’t. With jeans, it’s like a science. You have to do a lot of research and probably try on a million pairs before you find a few styles that are exactly right for you. I have found three and only three brands of jeans that work for me: Paige, J Brand, and Adriano Goldschmied. When low-rise jeans were all the rage, it was terrible for me and my stomach, and now the higher-rise style is coming back to cover the muffin top—yay! Except that now the top part of the stomach is getting squished. See what I mean? It’s a complicated science! I’d love to wear boyfriend jeans, but they make me look like Humpty Dumpty—an egg with legs. I’m not going to fall into that trap!

  Flare legs are flattering on me because they balance my upper body. I have kind of big boobs for my size, and flares are good for someone who’s short and curvy. Skinny jeans look fantastic on someone who’s tall and thin. Occasionally I’ll wear them, always with heels, but I don’t think they’re my best look, and I always put a longer jacket over them.

  I don’t know what your body type is, so I can’t tell you exactly what will look best on you. Set out to discover what’s best for your body and stick with it.

  And if you find a pair of pants or something that makes you go, “God, this looks really good on me!” then of course buy it, but don’t stop there. Buy multiples! Try different colors of the same great piece. It’s like finding gold, so rake it in. If they’re good quality, then you’ll have something that makes you look hot forever.

  I recently found this pair of black Alice + Olivia pants that made my body look much better than it really is. Those pants made me look like I had work done on my body. So I went back and said, “I need them in gold, I need them in white…” They’re staples that I’ll wear and wear and wear. Another suggestion: when you find your perfect pair of jeans, buy at least two pairs, so you can wear one with heels and hem one to wear with flats.

  What all this means, then, is that if you’re serious about tracking down the most flattering styles for you, you’re going to have to pass up a lot of trends in the process. You may get lucky and a trend will work perfectly for you—boyfriend jeans may look totally hot on you—but as a general rule, chasing trends will distract you from your mission.

  I’m not big on buying trends, anyway, for the simple reason that trends don’t last. And if you do follow trends, then you end up with, oh, say, seven pairs of parachute pants in your closet that you won’t be able to give away! I like to buy classics that won’t look dated in six months. That’s especially true if I’m going to spend a lot of money on something. I want to know I’ll be able to wear it for years to come.

  * * *

  Body Beautiful

  I want to talk a little about diet and exercise—but just a little. Ha! I thought this would be a good place to do it, since I have been going on a bit about my flaws, my muffin top, my life as a drummette. One reason I can do that so openly—and laugh about it!—is that I just don’t think it’s such a big deal. We are human beings, not mannequins.

  Go back to the old-time movie stars, when movies were still in black and white. And even after that. When you look at those actresses, none of them was really skinny—and they were all gorgeous. Maybe they didn’t need Botox and fillers back then, because they weren’t starving themselves! Their faces were a little fuller because their bodies were a little fu
ller. And both their faces and bodies were beautiful!

  When I was younger, I was always hyper-focused on my body and whether it was the right size or looked the right way. I still am focused on my body, but I’m much more relaxed about it. Frankly, after four kids, I never want to see a bathing suit again. I can be really cocky in a dress, but a bathing suit—no way! If I’m invited to a pool party I always say, “Oh darn, I forgot to bring my suit!” Then if the hostess offers to lend me one I’m like, “No, thanks. I don’t like to borrow bathing suits. Cooties, you know.” Ha! And if I do have a bathing suit on, once I’m settled, I’m not getting up. One time I was at the beach with my family and someone said there was a tsunami warning. So I told Farrah’s boyfriend, Taylor, “If there’s a tsunami, you’re in charge of grabbing Sophia and Portia, because I’m not moving!”

  Thankfully, my daughters aren’t obsessed with things like that. They are accepting of themselves and happy with who they are. I am so grateful that my kids have never said, “Oh, I want to go on a diet.” When I see a really thin girl in a magazine or on a TV show, I make a point of saying, “That girl is too thin; that’s not attractive at all.” And it truly doesn’t appeal to me in the least. That is not how God meant for our bodies to be.

  I like for my kids to eat right and exercise, of course. It’s important for their health. But society puts way too much pressure on girls and women to be skinny. I’m not buying into it.

  I do watch my weight. But I don’t weigh myself. My closet gives me a reality check. It’s a drag when you walk in there and find out something you love doesn’t fit anymore. That’s when I know I’ve gotten carried away and need to pull in the reins a bit. If I can fit into my clothes from years ago, great. And, if I don’t look exactly the same as I used to? I can accept that too.

  I like to eat healthy things like grilled salmon and vegetables. If I’m trying to lose a few pounds and I’m out to eat, I’ll ask the restaurant to hold the potatoes and bring only veggies. I say it begrudgingly. And then waiting for my salad and broccoli I look at the basket of bread, and want to cry my eyes out.

  My whole family loves going out for sushi. At some point I started switching out the white rice for brown rice. I had heard for so long that eating white stuff like bread and potatoes was tantamount to putting glue in your stomach, so I finally said okay, okay! After I’ve really plumped up over the holidays you might even see me ordering sashimi instead of sushi, to avoid the rice altogether.

  But other than cutting back a bit on refined carbs, nothing too extreme. I’m not the type to have a salad for dinner with lemon, hold the oil. Forget it. If I’m having a salad I’m having it with good dressing! Besides, when you pick up a magazine and find out that some celebrity lost twelve pounds in a week by doing something along those lines, you have to know, come on, it’s not as simple as that. Who wants to live on a permanent diet anyway?

  Sometimes I give in to my cravings for things like cheeseburgers and fries from Fatburger. Yum. And my favorite treat is a hot chocolate-chip cookie with cold milk. Oh my God, my daughter is standing next to me right now smiling! Because she knows that’s our favorite. Pizza and root beer—that’s a good combo. I’m not much of a dessert person, but cupcakes do call my name. I do drink wine, but the sulfites in it bother me. When I go out and have something to drink, it’s usually a margarita, no salt.

  I keep healthy snacks in the house like string cheese and apples and raw, unsalted trail mix. And in the afternoon, I often satisfy my sweet tooth with a skinny caramel macchiato from Starbucks. And let’s face it—you gotta have chocolate. Don’t most women have to have chocolate in their lives? I keep frozen dark chocolate in my freezer at all times—a whole bunch of it, because there have been times where I would have betrayed my country for just one piece of chocolate. Ha! I’ll dig through drawers trying to find old scraps of candy from Halloween or Easter. So I need to have a supply on hand. And I’m pretty good about breaking off a little piece and eating it and stopping there.

  But it’s hard when you have kids. When I’m being bad I eat all of their leftovers. I cut off the crusts of their sandwiches and eat them! Anything they leave, it goes into my mouth. Sometimes I do it without even thinking. One day I was getting things out of the car and I found a french fry on the floorboard and I just popped it into my mouth. I thought, What is wrong with me? Ha-ha! I love tweeting things like that, to see people’s reactions. Half the people responded saying, “Ew, that’s disgusting!” The other half are like, been there, done that! Phew, I wasn’t the only weirdo out there!

  My attitude toward exercise is very similar to my attitude toward food. I used to go to a boot camp type of place three times a week and take yoga twice a week. My body was in the best shape ever, but that was before I had Portia, when the kids were in school all day—and before Real Housewives. I got off track, then I hired a trainer who helped me get back, but he hasn’t seen me for about a year! Since the show I’m just always on the go.

  On the go–right, that reminds me of those women who say that they stay fit just by running around chasing after their kids. They are so full of it! I run around and take my kids everywhere, but after Portia was born, it took me two years to lose the weight! A small child is not a workout. (Then again, who knows what I would be like if I wasn’t running around!)

  We set up a little gym in our new house, so I try to get up in the morning to get on the treadmill or the bike. But if it’s a choice between an extra hour of sleep or working out, usually the sleep wins. I really love to go outdoors and walk or hike. That’s when I feel the best. And for some reason, that’s what my body responds best to. Maybe it’s because that’s the activity I enjoy the most.

  I love trees, I love birds, and I live in the hills, so I can easily go out into the sunshine and move my body. It puts me in a great mood. Sometimes I go with a girlfriend and we walk together and talk. The other day I went with my husband and another couple we’re close to. It was a Saturday morning and the kids were all sleeping and we walked for about an hour. It was so fun. It was just the best way to start the day.

  That’s more than exercise; it’s a way to enjoy life and enjoy your world.

  And by the way, as I’m telling you all this I’m popping Cheez-Its into my mouth. Ha-ha!

  * * *

  When you view it from that perspective, you can justify spending some hard-earned money for certain items. Timeless, high-quality pieces can actually be investments. I have a beautiful pink Chanel blouse that my sister Kathy gave me at least ten years ago. And the other night I wore a Gucci jacket that belonged to my mom. I remember when she bought it—it was in 1979 when we were in New York with my sisters shopping. Chanel and Gucci are obviously very high-end and I don’t even know what they originally cost, but look at how many years they’ve been worn! If I’m contemplating buying a really costly item, I ask myself: “Can I give this to my kids one day?” (Not that they’re waiting for the actual transfer of goods—lately my girls have been stealing from my closet without even telling me!)

  My big-ticket purchases tend to be handbags and shoes, because they are the kind of staples you can wear with so many different outfits. To me they’re a perfect example of classic investment pieces. At least that’s the story I tell my husband and I’m stickin’ to it.

  I will also spend more for a really great jacket, because like shoes and handbags, jackets can be strong, versatile staples for a wardrobe. I do try to get them on sale, though. I saw a gorgeous Dolce & Gabbana blazer on my niece Nicky, and I wanted it so badly! She called me one day and said, “My blazer’s on sale right now at Neiman Marcus.” So I flew down there and bought it on sale. That was years ago, and I still wear it all the time. It’s a navy-and-white pinstripe, and I wear it with a white button-down shirt, with red heels, with black, whatever. I love it.

  You have to love what you buy. Especially when you’re putting down a lot of money. Because even if an item is on sale, there’s no point in spending even a dollar o
n something that you’re not going to use. My motto when I’m shopping and can’t decide on something is “When in doubt, do without.”

  Only buy something if it makes you feel beautiful and confident—not because someone says it looks good on you. Friends are well-meaning, but they’re not the ones who’ll be wearing the clothes. Ditto for husbands or boyfriends or sisters.

  I actually prefer to shop by myself. I’m the only one who can really determine whether something’s right for me, and other people can distract me from my goal. I know it’s fun to go shopping with a girlfriend, but for serious buying, you’re better on your own. I don’t even like it when a salesperson starts following me around asking if she can help. I want to say, “Please don’t talk to me! Because I’m really on a mission to find something that looks good on me!” Or when they say, “You’re going to love this.” How do you know? We’ve never even met!

  It pays to be ruthless about the things that are already hanging in your closet too. I recently went through my whole closet and got rid of everything that didn’t make me feel good. You really should do this on a pretty regular basis. I also try to stick to the rule that if I haven’t worn it in a year, it goes—unless it’s true vintage.

  You should also use this time to make any repairs on clothes. Often I’ll find a favorite jacket hanging there, out of action, when a quick trip to the tailor could put it back into circulation!

  I used to think, Well, at least I have a full closet. But in fact, once you can actually see what you have, it’s easier to find the pieces you really want to wear.

  It’s hard to get rid of things, I know. I’m not saying I just jump into my closet and, snap, in ten minutes I’ve got it all pared down. This is where a friend actually can be very helpful. When you’re teetering—“Oh, but I wore this to that party that was so fun and everyone said I looked so good. Do I have to give it up?”—your friend can be the hammer.