Parents in Training

by Barbara McMahon

  “My parents weren’t like that.”

  “They still are, Annalise. When was the last time they went on a vacation that wasn’t to the cottage? Have they ever been to Paris or Rome? Gone white-water rafting down the Colorado or skiing in Aspen?”

  “They don’t want to do that.”

  “Or there is no money and time to do that. Maybe they’re just better at hiding their frustrations than my old man. He let it all hang out.”

  “We would not be like that, Dominic. You are nothing like your father. Circumstances are totally different. You make a great income. I have my own career, which has done well the last few years. We can afford to do what we want. We don’t need to sacrifice things for the sake of tight financial circumstances.”

  He took a healthy drink of his coffee, tossing the remainder into the sink and putting his mug on the counter.

  “What you don’t know, and what I didn’t tell you, is that I’ve been in this situation before,” he said slowly. He hated talking about the past. But maybe it would help her understand.

  She looked at him in confusion.

  “What situation?”

  “Expecting a baby.”

  Annalise stared. She couldn’t believe what she’d heard. “You have a child somewhere?” There was a pause, then she jumped up. “We’ve known each other for more than six years. Been married five. And this is the first I’m hearing about it?” She looked stunned.

  “No. I don’t have a child. The baby was stillborn.”

  “Oh, how awful.” That explained a lot, Annalise thought. He was afraid their child would be born dead.

  “Our baby won’t be born like that,” she said gently, still reeling from the information. How could he have fathered another child and never told her? What of the baby’s mother?

  “You don’t know how our baby will be born. Phyllis had a normal pregnancy. We thought everything was going along fine. But she went into labor two weeks early and the baby never drew a breath.”

  “Phyllis?” she repeated. The other woman had a name—of course. Annalise could hardly think.

  “My wife. Ex-wife. First wife.”

  CHAPTER TWO

  ANNALISE felt the blood pounding through her veins. Dominic was saying he’d had a wife before her. And she had never known a thing about it. He’d loved someone else. Fathered a child. And never mentioned a word. Would she have gone to her grave not knowing about that part of her husband’s past if she hadn’t become pregnant?

  “You never told me you were married before,” she said. She sat back down, wanting to weep. Then anger took hold. “How could you never tell me about such an important part of your past? I’m your wife. I haven’t kept anything important from you. Where’s the honesty needed in marriage? Don’t you think that’s something that should have been talked about at the onset? What happened?”

  He paced across the room and back, frowning. “I never said anything because I’ve put it all behind me. I married Phyllis because it was the right thing to do—to give the baby a name and a father. I did it for her, too. We were high-school sweethearts. But I had plans to leave town and move on. For eight interminable months, I thought I was stuck, with no future except a life like my father’s. When we didn’t have the baby, we had nothing to hold us together. We divorced before I was twenty. I saved up and headed for college. My original plan, delayed a couple of years. You know I’m older than you, but that we graduated the same time. Now you know why.”

  “Married and divorced before you were twenty? Why not say something? You told me back then the reason you were late starting college was that you needed to work to save enough to attend,” she said slowly, thinking back to those early days. Should she have picked up on some clue? How could he not have told her something this big in his past?

  “That was true. All I had saved by my high-school graduation went to get Phyllis and me an apartment. For months, I thought I was doomed to repeat the life my father had—growing to resent the baby and Phyllis as I was stuck in some dead-end job in the mill town that was the one place I’d wanted to leave.”

  “Would you have?” she asked, caught up by the story, trying to picture a younger Dominic with some nebulous woman. She knew what the town looked like, but he didn’t seem the type to be content there for his entire life.

  “Probably.”

  “Probably not. You aren’t your father. You set a goal and go for it. Look how fast you’ve gone up in the company. How much you know about all the various aspects of computer problems.”

  “It never came to the test,” he said.

  “Because the baby died?”

  He nodded and turned to gaze out the window. He couldn’t face her when he said, “And I’ve had to live with that guilt ever since.”

  Annalise frowned. “Why? You didn’t cause its death. You said it was stillborn.”

  He ran his hand through his hair and shook his head. “Intellectually, I know that. But it was a shock. My first reaction was relief—I could be free. Then I felt guilty for feeling that way. But Phyllis and I found we had little in common once we lived together. It was different when we were dating. The reality was unexpected. She was as glad as I was to get out of the marriage. I know you can’t think a baby dead, but that’s how I felt. That somehow my anger and resentment at not wanting the child caused its death. I should not have felt that way. What father doesn’t want his child? My father excepted, of course. And then—me.”

  “So that’s why you feel that way about our baby,” she said, crossing her hands over her stomach in a protective manner. She had hardly gotten used to the idea, but already she felt she wanted to protect the growing life inside her.

  “No! I do not wish this baby dead. I did not wish the other baby dead. I just wished for freedom. All I wanted then and now was to live life the way I planned. We have a great life. We entertain a wide group of friends. We take off on short notice to travel all over the world. Vacation wherever we wish, whenever we wish. We’ve built our life together. I don’t want to lose it. To lose us.”

  “And that’s what you fear if a baby’s born?”

  He closed his eyes. “I don’t know,” he said at last.

  Annalise was reeling from the discovery that her husband had hidden a first marriage from her for as long as she’d known him. She’d thought they were a team. That it was the two of them against the world. Now she wasn’t sure about anything anymore. What kind of marriage was based on secrets? She had been open about her past—not that she had anything of this proportion to reveal. Still, she expected honesty from her husband. Now his first marriage had come to light.

  She’d known having a baby would change things, but she’d never considered this. “What other secrets do you have?” she asked.

  He looked at her, anguish in his expression. “I should have told you. But it never seemed the right time. And then it just wasn’t important. We moved here, got our careers going, and I moved on.”

  “So fear of not being able to do whatever you wish keeps you from wanting children?”

  “That makes it sound cold and selfish. Maybe it is. But I’ve seen what having a child does to people. I know how my father was. That’s the kind of parenting I know. I don’t want to be like that.”

  “Lots of families have children. The parents are happy. The children enrich their lives. You do not have to be like your father.”

  “And children keep other people in dead-end jobs, living from paycheck to paycheck with nothing to look forward to. Kids get them caught up in the treadmill of dreary routine, substandard housing, losing hope for any kind of a different future.”

  “But that’s not you or me. We’re young, we have good jobs, and so far, we have done all we wanted to do.” She tried to reason with Dominic again, to get him to understand that their future would be different.

  She rubbed her stomach slowly. She felt sad for a baby whose parents weren’t deliriously happy at its coming. She hoped this baby knew nothing of what wa
s going on.

  He frowned, following the movement of her hand for a moment. “Maybe thought waves are more powerful than people think. I wished a hundred times or more that Phyllis had not gotten pregnant. Then the baby was born dead.”

  “It’s sad. But you can’t think an outcome like that. Even if Phyllis had thought that, it wouldn’t have resulted in a stillborn baby.”

  “I’ll never get over the guilt,” he said softly.

  He looked out the window again. “I’ve been called about another assignment—this time to Hong Kong. It’ll give us a chance to think things over.”

  “Think what over? Whether you want it or not, we’re going to be parents. No matter what you think or say now, you are going to be a father. I guess it’s up to you to decide exactly what kind of father you’ll be!”

  She turned and walked to the bedroom. She didn’t know whether to cry or smash something. She grabbed her tote and packed a couple of outfits and sleepwear. She was going to Lianne’s. Her twin would give her some advice and comfort. How could Dominic have kept his first marriage secret? She felt a pang at the thought of him being another woman’s husband. Living a life she’d never even known about. They’d had an apartment together. Made a baby together. Tears threatened. Damn, he should have told her before they married about his past.

  What had the other woman been like? Had the loss of their baby been so great neither could get over it? He’d made a baby with someone else. The thought caused a new twist of pain.

  She was not going to lose her baby. Maybe she hadn’t wanted one to begin with, but the idea was growing. She’d have another grandchild for her parents. She and her twin would have babies the same age. Maybe they wouldn’t be as close as she and Lianne were, but they’d be first cousins, sharing a lot.

  How could Dominic be so pigheaded as not to even consider changing his attitude when she was expecting a child? She would love this baby if only because it was part of Dominic. He could wish it away as much as he wanted. Fear of being a father was no excuse. She’d never been a mother before. She’d do the best she could and hope it was enough. That was all any parent could do.

  She went to the front door. Dominic was leaning against the doorjamb to the kitchen, watching her without saying a word.

  “I’m going to Lianne’s.”

  “I’ll be leaving soon. I’ll call you from Hong Kong.”

  She wanted to make a grand exit and say something scathing like, Don’t bother. But she was afraid if she opened her mouth she’d burst into tears. Staring at him, she saw a phantom woman hovering beside him. Someone else who had kissed him, slept with him. Had a baby with him. The hurt was overwhelming.

  She shook her head and left.

  Blinking back tears, she made the drive to Lianne and Tray’s condo in record time. She sat in the car for a moment, trying to gain control. She left the tote in the car. If Dominic was leaving, she could return home later. But first she wanted to see her sister.

  When Lianne opened the door, Annalise tried to smile, but she burst into tears instead.

  “What’s wrong?” Lianne asked, hugging her sister. “Whatever has happened?”

  “Dominic doesn’t want the baby,” Annalise wailed.

  “My baby?” Lianne asked.

  “No—ours.”

  Dominic finished packing and headed for the living room. He’d pack his laptop and then be ready to leave. The routine was established; he could do it without thinking.

  He had seen the stunned hurt in Annalise’s eyes when he’d told her of his first marriage. The image haunted him. All these years, he’d thought he’d put that so far behind him it would never rise up again. Now it was out for all to see, and his guilt had not diminished one iota. How could any man wish away a baby? Wasn’t that telling enough? Who could want to be around a person like that? He was just like his old man. Worse. And he hated the idea.

  No matter how hard anyone worked, they never escaped the past. Now events were repeating themselves. His wife was expecting a baby, and it was the last thing he’d ever thought they’d have.

  His father had been a bitter old man long before his time. Dominic remembered his mother had tried hard to please him, but nothing she’d done had succeeded. Dominic had loved his mother, but he felt sad thinking of all she’d missed out of life by having a baby so young, and then living with a resentful man who complained about their circumstances.

  Dominic had worked hard to make a different life for himself. At the cost of his lost baby. He rubbed his hands across his face. When they had returned from the baby’s brief funeral service, Phyllis had told him she didn’t want to stay married. It had saved him asking her for a divorce. Once again he’d felt the taste of freedom—and the guilt at having things turn out that way. Even now, more than ten years later, he could feel the gnawing guilt.

  Time to shove those memories away. He had a plane to catch. He wished he could have changed things for Annalise. But he was only human, and the thought of a baby scared him to death. Maybe he’d think differently once the idea seeped in. But for now, he wanted out.

  Even out of his marriage? He’d almost implied that. Did he mean it?

  Marriage to Annalise had proved to be a wondrous thing. They liked the same foods and restaurants. She enjoyed the theater, symphony and traveling—all new to him when he’d come to Washington for college. They had so much in common—from books and movies to their tastes in furnishings. He looked around the living room, remembering the purchase of every item. Nothing like the floral prints her mother had throughout the O’Mallory family home. Their place was sleek and modern—like Annalise herself.

  Having a baby—even being pregnant—would change her. Phyllis had been fun enough when they’d been dating. But, once pregnant, her entire existence had revolved around that state. He couldn’t go through that again. Couldn’t bear to see Annalise change before his eyes.

  He couldn’t believe the past was repeating itself.

  Lianne pulled Annalise over to the sofa.

  Tray came out from the back of the flat.

  “Annalise—I didn’t know you were coming over,” he said. Taking a closer look, he raised his eyebrows in silent question to his wife.

  “We’re having a bit of a crisis. Be a love and find something to do,” Lianne said.

  “Right. Think I have something to do at the office.” Tray bade them goodbye and left.

  “Astute man,” Annalise said, blotting her eyes with the tissue her twin had provided, wishing her husband had been as astute. She was mixed up about this pregnancy, and she needed his support, not to be stunned by news of his past.

  “He’s wonderful. But you’ve always thought Dominic was, as well,” Lianne said, rubbing her back.

  “Before today,” Annalise said. “Or last night. He was horrid when I said I was pregnant.”

  “And you’re just now telling me!” Lianne exclaimed. “That’s great news. I’m thrilled for you both!”

  “Don’t be.” Annalise explained everything.

  “He’s still in shock over the news. But he will come back,” she ended. “Don’t you think?”

  “Of course he will. You two make a great team. And the news takes a while to process. But I can’t believe he was married before and never told you. I’m more than a bit surprised by that,” Lianne said.

  “You are? Imagine how I feel. All this time, I thought I knew the man, and now he springs this on me. Why not before we were married? Why not the first time he met me? He could have said something like I’m just back in the dating game from a divorce.”

  “What did he say? What reasons did he give for not telling you before?”

  “I didn’t ask. I was too surprised by it all. Darn it, it makes me so angry to think he kept something this important a secret. What does that say about our relationship?”

  Lianne thought for a moment. “I think once he realizes what he sounds like, he’ll be back so fast your head will spin. Nothing is like it was all those
years ago. He’s crazy about you. The two of you always seemed as if you were in a world of your own—outsiders beware.”

  Annalise shook her head. “Not anymore. I don’t know how to get over this. I feel as if he’s a complete stranger. We’ve lived together for five years, and never once did it come up. He deliberately kept it from me.”

  “It’s early yet. Give yourself some time. And you’ve got to try and think of it from Dominic’s

  point of view.”

  “Which I already know.”

  “Not necessarily. He was unhappy in that marriage, that’s for sure. Maybe he wanted to be a carefree college kid like everyone else. There probably weren’t too many twenty-year-old college students who already had a divorce behind them. I could see him not spreading that around,” Lianne said thoughtfully.

  “He wouldn’t have been spreading it around to tell me—especially when we began to discuss marriage.”

  “I don’t know. What you had together sounds so fresh and free—unlike his first marriage. I could see him wanting to pretend life was as it was, not as it had been.”

  “Maybe.” Could Lianne be right?

  “Ask him. I bet he says he wanted to forget the past and forge a new life.”

  “Which he did. But now circumstances are similar, and he’s freaked. I didn’t expect to get pregnant. I sure didn’t plan on it. He’s blaming me.”

  Lianne shrugged. “Do you realize we are pregnant together? Good grief, sis—everyone will think it’s because we’re twins.”

  “Maybe it is. Maybe I felt your longing. The birth control failed. Who knows why now, after five years of marriage, the method failed? Dominic asked if it were a twin thing.”

  “So now it’s my fault?” Lianne asked with a twinkle.

  “No fault. I’m going to have a baby!” Annalise said. Slowly she began to smile. “A part of me and Dominic. How could anyone not be happy about that?”

  “Dominic needs to talk to Tray. That man is so delighted you’d think we invented the concept of children.”