The Heart's Command

by Rachel Lee

  Brie came and sat next to him, her hip against his as they faced the looming wall of wind and rain, the lightning and thunder that were already beginning to rumble warningly. The first bluish-gray squall was approaching, a curtain of rain so heavy they could barely see through it.

  Easing his arm around her, Niall smiled down at her. "Ready for our walk into hell together?"

  She smiled bravely and tucked her arm around his waist. "We've already been to hell, Niall. This is nothing in comparison. I felt like I died the day our baby was lost." She searched his dark, hard face as he stared down at her. "I was afraid to see you again. Now my fears seem silly. But the night I learned we'd be flying this mission together, I felt scared. I wasn't sure how you'd react to me."

  "I felt shaky, too," he admitted, trying his best to keep communicating with her. Niall was finding that opening up his feelings to Brie wasn't so hard, after all. But then, with hell bearing down on them, he had an added impetus to talk.

  The wind slammed against them, strong and powerful. The raft spun drunkenly around. Froth filled the air momentarily, leaving white, foamy splotches all over their weather suits. The squall was approaching. They'd be pummeled with a deluge of rain within the next few minutes.

  "When I got assigned to this station a month ago, I didn't know you were here," Brie admitted, resting her cheek against his shoulder. How good it was to be held by him once again! She felt his strong arm squeeze her gently and continue to hold her close. Sighing, she slid her other arm around his torso and closed her eyes.

  "And when you did," he asked, humor in his husky voice, "what did you do? Ask for a transfer?"

  She laughed shortly, the sound strained. The wind began tearing at them, riffling her short hair. The first drops splattered across them. In a few minutes, they'd have to put their helmets on once again. "I thought about it. I know the higher-ups in the Coast Guard didn't realize what they'd done. It was no one's fault."

  "But you stayed," Niall said, moving his mouth very near her ear. He inhaled Brie's scent. It was always so clean and feminine to him, like a mysterious flower fragrance so evocative it never failed to arouse Mm. Strands of her copper hair pressed against his lower lip. They were just as silken as he recalled.

  "Yes..." His warm breath trailed over her ear and cheek. Brie absorbed the sensation like a starving animal. The intimacy Niall established with her was natural and good. Her heart soared with unexpected joy. They were riding toward their death, and he was holding her.

  The rain began in earnest, along with the whipping, pummeling wind. They put on their helmets. Niall drew Brie fully into his arms and snuggled closer. With their heads pressed together, they lay on the bottom of the raft, feeling the jerky up and down movements as they were sucked into the fearsome wall of the storm.

  The wind rose. It howled and then ebbed away. And then it struck again, bringing horizontal chilling rain. Niall lifted his hand and placed it behind Brie's head. He wanted somehow to protect her from the icy, nee-dlelike droplets deluging them. The raft was rising and falling more quickly, bobbing like a cork. Waves were now four to six feet in height, rough and bullying.

  "Why did you stay?" Niall placed his lips near her ear. "You could have asked for a transfer. They'd have given it to you under the circumstances, Brie?" His heart pounded as he anticipated her answer. He felt her arms momentarily tighten around his torso. He knew she was scared. So was he.

  Shutting her eyes, Brie felt the cold water begin to leak under the collar of her weather suit even though Niall was trying to protect her from the onslaught. Inwardly, she was shaking in fear. Fear of what would come to both of them: a wall of water and maybe then-death warrant.

  "I...I stayed, Niall, because I hoped...oh, God, I hoped that somehow I could find the courage to come to you and talk. Just talk." There, it was out. Finally. It felt as if a huge weight had just lifted off her quaking shoulders. The wind was howling like a banshee now, the rain so thick she couldn't see anything beyond the bobbing raft.

  "When I heard you were at the station, I got scared, too, Brie," Niall confided. Moving his hand, he cupped the collar of her weather suit to try and prevent more water from running down the opening. He didn't want Brie chilled because she couldn't take much more hypothermia. This time, if she got wet and damp inside the suit, he might not be able to warm her up. Ever.

  "And then," he admitted, giving a short laugh filled with derision, "as the days went by, and there was no word from you, I figured you were going to ignore me. At first, I felt okay...relieved about that. But then..." His mouth flattened and he bowed his head as the rain slammed into him. Water dripped down his face, off his nose and chin. "I wanted to see you, Brie. You have no idea of the hell I went through daily after rinding out you were assigned here. Every morning I woke up thinking about you. My dreams at night...well, they were about the good times, the laughter, the joy we shared before our marriage soured. I'd wake up in the morning aching for you to be at my side. I wanted to roll over and find you sleeping on your left side, like you always did. I wanted to slide my arms around you and pull you near me...and love you. Show you how damn much I still loved you and needed you...."

  Brie clung to Niall after hearing his low, emotional words. "Oh, Niall..."

  "It's the truth, Brie. I swear to God it is. I was just trying to get up enough courage to go over to your bungalow in Princeville, knock on your door and ask if we could start over. If there was a chance for us again. But I was a coward. I blew it. And now..." He lifted his eyes and saw the squall moving in. Right behind it were black and grey bands of clouds moving quickly in a counterclockwise motion. The clouds resembled skeletal fingers—the hand of death? "Now it's too late.... Damn, I'm sorry, Brie. I ran from you...after losing our baby, because I didn't know what else to do. When that black ops mission from Perseus came up, I volunteered for it. Frankly, I was relieved to get the assignment." He squeezed her hard and pressed a kiss to her damp cheek. "I had to bury myself in something dangerous—something that would take my mind off you, off our loss...."

  Choking, Brie looked up. Darkness was falling. She could barely see Niall's glistening, rain-soaked features. His eyes were burning with a fierce love as he looked down at her, however. The taut line of his mouth spoke of his suffering over the loss of her and their baby. Lifting her cold, wet hand, she slid her shaking fingers across his bearded cheek.

  "Oh, Niall.. .I never stopped loving you, either, darling. Not ever. That's why I could never have a relationship with another man. Those two years I felt like a ghost wandering the land... alone and so terribly gutted with grief. I not only lost our baby, but I lost you, too. I wondered what I'd done to deserve all of this. I thought I'd loved you with all my heart, my soul, but it wasn't enough...."

  Catching her hand, he pressed a hot, hungry kiss against her palm. The raft bobbed violently and spun around as the first really turbulent waves struck them. The rain was lessening again, but still stinging and cold against his flesh. Wind shrieked, then ebbed, then howled at them again, as if warning of what was to come.

  But at that instant, Niall's heart was centered on the woman in his arms. As he lifted his lips from her wet palm, he clasped her fingers gently. Turning, he gazed deeply into her wide, tear-filled eyes. Brie's lips were parted, pulled down in torment and guilt. He leaned down, his mouth near her cheek.

  "Listen to me, Brie. No matter what happens now, you need to know that my leaving had nothing to do with you. It was me. I ran. No matter how I tried to avoid it, I guess I was like my father, after all. He ran when my mother became pregnant with me. He ran from responsibility. He couldn't stay in the heat of the kitchen, the crisis, and take it like a mature, responsible human being." His voice became hoarse. "And I pulled the same thing on you. Only I did it because we lost a baby. I had so many hopes pinned on that child, Brie. I wanted to be the father my dad had never been to me. I had all these dreams about how I'd be a great father to our son. I dreamed about it almost every ni
ght. I was so happy. But I never shared any of that with you, Brie. None of it, and I'm sorry I didn't. I've learned a huge lesson out of this, but it's too late."

  Niall closed his eyes and held her tighter as the raft began to heave and buck down. The waves were growing steadily worse. Froth slammed into them as the wind whipped it off the top of each crest. Already the bottom of the raft contalned inches of water. Niall took in a ragged, painful breath. "I realized too late that I should have come clean with you, Brie. I should have talked about my hopes, dreams and wishes for us, for our baby and his future. But I didn't. And after we lost him, through no fault of yours, I just fell apart. I was crazy with grief. I couldn't talk. I was afraid to say anything because I was so grief-stricken that I feared I'd burst into tears and start sobbing in front of you. I knew you didn't need your man crying like a wimp at that time."

  "Oh, Niall...no!" Brie whispered brokenly. "We could have cried together, darling. We could have held one another and cried over our mutual loss. That would have comforted me. It could have helped you, too."

  "You'd never seen me cry, Brie. Not ever. How could I do it then, at the worst time in our lives, just when you needed me the most?"

  "You crazy fool," she sobbed, throwing her arms around his neck and holding him tightly, "you got this all wrong! If you had cried, I wouldn't have thought you weak or a wimp. Just the opposite! A real man can let down and cry, Niall. He can show his emotions when he needs to. No woman in her right mind is going to say you're weak for doing that. Oh, I hate what this society has done to men and women! I hate that it has branded you with the idea that you're not allowed to feel. That you can't cry. That it's somehow not manly or brave to show your feelings." Sobbing in anger, Brie said, "Niall, cry with me. Fight with me. Yell with me. Make up with me. Always show your feelings. Don't withhold them from me anymore. I can handle your emotions. What I can't handle is your silence. Your running away without telling me why."

  "I understand now, sweetheart. I do...." But it was too late and Niall knew it. The raft was wobbling, riding up one wave, tippling for a moment, then sliding down into the next trough. The darkness was nearly complete. Lifting his head, he studied Brie's upturned face, branding the moment of it into his mind, heart and soul, because he feared it was going to be the last view he'd ever have of her. Her eyes were so wide and fraught with pain and love for him. He saw it all and reveled with joy over the unexpected gift that had come out of this tragedy. Stroking his hand awkwardly across her head, feeling her hair wet and thick beneath his shaking fingers, he tried to smile down at her.

  "Whatever happens, darlin'," he told her, "I love you. Just remember that, okay?" He kept caressing her cheek. Kept smiling down at her because more than anything, Niall wanted Brie to know that she was and always had been the most important person in his life—ever.

  Stunned by his huskily spoken words Brie drowned in his warm, stormy gray eyes. That cocky Irish smile of Niall's was her undoing. As his hand moved in trembling strokes across her head, as if to soothe and calm her, she managed a wobbly smile in return.

  "I never stopped loving you, Niall." Her voice broke with unshed tears. "Not ever, darling...and when we drown out here tonight, I'll hold you until the last breath of air leaves my body. And when we find ourselves on the other side, we can reach out for one another. We can walk the Rainbow Bridge as one. We'll never be apart again...."

  His heart aching with sadness, frustration and need, Niall absorbed every shaking word Brie spoke. How he'd loved her view of life, thanks to her Native American heritage. There was no hell in her belief system; only goodness and hope waited on the other side after one died. Easing his arms from around her, he framed her face, his mouth inches from hers.

  With tears flooding his eyes, Niall whispered, "I've loved you with every cell of my being, Brie. I'll always love you, not matter what happens. You're mine, sweetheart. You always were and always will be, whether you knew it or not...." And he leaned down and pressed his mouth hotly against her parted lips.

  Brie moaned as his mouth hungrily met hers. This was a kiss of greeting—and a kiss of farewell. It was a kiss to make up for those two painful years of separation. As his mouth rocked against hers, Brie tightened her arms around him and clung as tightly as she could. Her breasts pushed against his chest. Their hearts pounded together in a primal rhythm only lovers could feel and exult in.

  Brie's lips were soft, inviting, the kiss haunting, breaking his heart, lifting his soul and plunging him into an abyss of regret over things that would never be. And yet, he reveled in the outrageous joy of finding her once again. The sweetness of her mouth, her punctuated breath against his cheek, the fervent welcome she gave him all lifted Niall's heart on sunlit wings.

  As the storm raged around them, lifting the raft and slamming it down in ever deepening troughs, salty froth flew across them, like foam from a rabid dog's mouth. As Niall kissed her, he breathed his breath into her mouth and dragged hers into his body. Their lips were hungry, searching and needy. As he pressed his hand down her long, strong spine to capture her wide, flaring hips against him, the aching need to love her, to claim her once more, surged through Niall like a tidal wave. Truly loving her was impossible under the circumstances, and as he slowly, reluctantly released her soft, wet mouth and looked deeply into her half-closed eyes, which were burning with need for him, he was speechless. No words could express how he felt in this moment out of time. Only the anguish, joy and hope in Brie's eyes told him how she felt about him. He saw the regrets in her gaze. The hope for a future. And the realization that there was no future to hope for. What he saw most clearly, though, was her love for him. Brie loved him. She'd never stopped loving him. The horrible guilt and regrets of two years dissolved as he held her closely in his arms and absorbed her warm, loving gaze.

  "If I had one wish," he told her huskily, his voice cracking, "it would be to take you in my arms, love you until you fainted with pleasure, and then know you carried our next child in your body."

  Unable to talk, Brie smiled at him sadly. As night descended, Niall's shadowed face became almost invisible. The rain was beginning again. The roar of the wind was stronger, the movements of the raft more violent. "If I had one wish, darling," she whispered against his ear, her hands framing his wet face, "it would be to carry your child again. A child made from pure love. Our love..."

  A sob wracked Niall. He didn't try to stop it this time. Whispering her name brokenly, he swept Brie into his arms and held her so tightly that he thought he might crack her ribs. Burying his helmeted head next to hers, his face pressed against that strong shoulder that had carried so many heavy burdens by herself, he cried. The sounds tearing out of him were feral, as if a wild animal had been released from deep within. Brie's womanly arms, warm and strong held him close. Held him with all her strength, caring and love.

  There was no shame in crying, he discovered as he clung to her, the sobs coming from his dark, guilty soul over the loss of their baby, the loss of any future with Brie. The primitive animal sounds of his grief were torn from him as the hurricane raged unchecked around them.

  The raft was filling with water. The tears streaming down his face mingled with the ocean's salt spray. And through it all, Brie held him, rocked him gently and eased his grief, his pain. And the awful two years of hell finally were given voice, and left him once and for all.

  As his sobs lessened, Niall felt a sense of cleanness. He was amazed. There was a new strength, a new resolve, a new hope filling him now. His mind was so much mush, but the brilliant illumination of his heart, the inner glow of his untrammeled emotions, freed for the first time in his life, left him feeling stronger than ever before. As he sat there with Brie holding him, Niall began to understand, finally, that crying wasn't bad. In fact, he'd never felt better—lighter or happier. So this was what women had known all along that men had denied: that crying was an incredible freeing of feelings and pain. It was a natural purging and cleansing of what felt bad wit
hin him, and the release gave his heart and soul a new, brilliant life. It also gave Niall a fierce hope he'd never had before.

  As he lifted his head, kissed her wet brow, he looked up. Was he seeing things? Light was shining through the storm.

  "Brie? Do you see that?" he asked, pointing through the maelstrom. "Am I hallucinating?"

  Brie twisted around, her gaze following where Niall was pointing. She saw a light flashing on and off. It came and went, because of the waves lifting them up and dropping them again.

  "Oh, my God, Niall! That's a Coast Guard ship!"

  Gasping, he stared into the night. When the raft slid down into a trough, the light disappeared. Would it be there when they were lifted upward again? His heart pounded with dread, with hope. He gripped Brie by the shoulders. Breath suspended, he felt her tense beside him. He couldn't be making this up. It had to be a Coast Guard cutter!

  As the raft surged upward, Niall cried out, "It's them! It's an SAR vessel!" He quickly fumbled with his flashlight, turned it on and waved it frantically above their heads.

  Brie sobbed. A cutter! The Coast Guard had sent a cutter into this horrible hurricane to hunt for them. The vessel probably had equipment on board to pick up the radio signals being beamed from their vests.

  Sure enough, the light grew stronger. She pulled out her flashlight and began waving it, too. Joy surged through Brie. They were going to be rescued!

  "Oh, Niall!" she cried. "We're saved!"

  Laughing wildly, he gripped her shoulder as he waved the flashlight. "We are! Sweetheart, we're going to be fine. We're gonna live through this!" He looked at her in wonder. He could barely see Brie's expression in the dim illumination coming from their flashlights. But he could see that the hope was there. Her eyes were filled with joy.

  Somehow, the universe had granted them a second chance. As he watched the light from the cutter growing stronger by the minute, he grasped the fact that rescue was coming. The crew had spotted them and had a solid fix on their position. It would be only a matter of time and they'd be safe. Safe!