Envious

by Cheryl Douglas

  ***

  Katie sounded distant when Chris called an hour later. Lee had said their talk went well, that he’d given Katie his blessing. If that was true, why didn’t she sound happy to hear from him? When the silence stretched on a little too long, he asked, “Everything okay?”

  “Um, yeah. Sorry, I was just getting some work done. I’m wrapping up these last couple of courses this week. Then I’ll have to worry about studying for exams. That, with the business, and the divorce…” She sighed. “It’s just a lot to deal with.”

  “Maybe a change of scenery would do you good.” When she didn’t question him, Chris knew Lee must have mentioned the weekend getaway.

  “I appreciate the offer, but—”

  “You can’t go, or you don’t want to?” In Chris’s mind, there was a big difference. The last thing he wanted was to push her, but he didn’t want to lose the ground they’d gained by letting her retreat just because she was afraid to face her feelings for him.

  “I really should stay home. The sooner I plow through this, the more time I’ll have to study for my exams. All of our plans for the business hinge on me passing, right? I wouldn’t want to disappoint you.”

  “You could never disappoint me. Don’t you know that by now?”

  “That’s sweet.”

  He could tell she was wavering. She wanted to go, but she didn’t trust herself to make the right decision. “I’d hate like hell to miss out on time with Bianca this weekend. If I can’t talk you and Hannah into coming with me, I can’t take her either. I need someone to watch her while I check out the site. It’s not exactly safe to have her running around a truck yard.”

  “Where do you have to go?”

  “Tulsa.”

  “Hmmm…”

  “So what do you say? You wanna be my co-pilot? It might be kinda fun.” He knew the four of them would have a blast together, but he didn’t want to come on too strong and make her feel as though he was backing her into a corner.

  “Sure, why not?”

  “Great! I’ll swing by and pick Bianca up after work. We can head out Friday night, drive a few hours, and stop at a hotel once the girls fall asleep. We should be able to make Tulsa by noon.”

  “Uh, a hotel?”

  He chuckled. “Two rooms. I’ll bunk with Bianca and you with Hannah.”

  “I knew that. I just—”

  “Wanted to make sure. I get it.” He smiled. At least she was agreeing to go with him. He hoped before long they would be sharing a bed.

  Chapter Ten

  Bianca and Hannah chattered happily in the backseat, totally oblivious to the tension in the front seat. The road trip had sounded like a good idea when Lee suggested it, but what if spending so much time together so soon, with a couple of kids thrown into the mix, was a recipe for disaster? Maybe by the end of this weekend, Katie would say thanks, but no thanks.

  “So how’s the studying going?” Chris asked, desperate to break their uncomfortable silence. They’d been driving for over an hour, and he’d grown weary of making small talk just to hear his own voice.

  “It’s going okay,” Katie said, looking out the window. “It’ll be nice to get the final exams out of the way, though.”

  “Yeah, I remember what that was like.” It seemed like just yesterday he’d been pulling all-nighters to cram for exams. Some days he felt as though he’d gone from being a sleep-deprived graduate student to a divorced father in the blink of an eye.

  “I still can’t believe you got through that many years of school.” Katie shuddered. “I don’t think I could ever do it.”

  “School was fun for me,” Chris said, knowing he must sound like a boring brainiac. “It was always a new challenge. I liked that.”

  “It’s always been nothing but stress for me.”

  Like Lee, Chris worried about how Katie was handling all the new stress in her life. A pending divorce, being a single parent, final exams, and the prospect of a new business all happening at once would be a lot for anyone to handle. For a recovering addict, it could be disastrous. “How’re you handling that?” He hoped he sounded casual instead of concerned.

  Katie glanced over her shoulder to make sure the girls were engrossed in their game. “If you’re asking me if I’ve been tempted to stray, the answer is a resounding no. The first time I looked into my baby girl’s eyes, I vowed I’d stay on the straight and narrow. I’ve never even been tempted to get off course.”

  Chris hoped his sigh of relief wasn’t audible. “I’m glad to hear that. I’d hate to think I’m adding to your stress with this business though. If you need to take some more time to think about whether you’re really ready for this kind of commitment, I’m cool with that.”

  Katie looked him in the eye for the first time since they’d pulled out of her driveway. He realized she was having reservations about more than just the business. She was second guessing her decision to see him. According to Lee, their talk had gone well, so if Lee wasn’t the reason she’d changed her mind, Chris knew he must be the reason.

  “Girls, it’s time to turn off the game and get some shut-eye,” Katie said, reaching for the children’s tablet.

  “Does that mean I don hafta brush my teeth tonight, daddy?” Bianca asked.

  Chris gave her the evil eye in the rearview mirror as he pulled up to a red light. Instead of recognizing it as a warning, Bianca giggled. “What do you think, little lady? Would your mama let you go to sleep without brushing your teeth first?”

  She shook her head, making her chin-length curls bounce. “Na uh.”

  “That’s what I thought,” Chris said, smirking. “Go to sleep. We’ll wake you up when we get to the hotel.” It was well after eight, so Chris knew it wouldn’t be long before both girls were sound asleep. Maybe that would give him the opportunity to find out what was bothering Katie.

  Sure enough, within ten minutes, both girls were asleep. Katie smiled when she looked at them. “They look so angelic.”

  “Hannah’s so sweet to Bianca,” Chris said quietly. “She treats her just like a—” He stopped himself short of saying little sister. If Katie was already having doubts about them, a comment like that would only fuel the problem.

  “Hannah’s always wanted a baby sister,” Katie said as though she could read his mind. “She’s asking me all the time why she can’t have one.”

  “What’d you tell her?” Chris asked, stealing a glimpse at her profile.

  She looked sad, and it broke his heart. Didn’t she know he would bust his butt to give her anything and everything she’d ever wanted? All she had to do was say the word. Katie had had a tough life growing up and that experience had made her believe she didn’t deserve much better, but he wanted to show her that her life could be amazing if she would trust him with her heart.

  “I told her it wasn’t the right time. I guess now that day will never come.”

  “You don’t know that.” He took a risk and reached for her hand. He held his breath until he was satisfied she wouldn’t pull away. “Your life doesn’t have to end just because your marriage is.” She didn’t respond. “Are you going to tell me what’s bothering you, or do I have to guess?”

  “I’ve just been thinking about some of the things Lee said to me last night.”

  “He said your talk went well. You don’t agree?”

  “It did.” She released a shaky sigh. “I mean, we agreed that we both want the other to be happy. I guess that’s something, right?”

  “Yeah.” But Chris was more interested in what Lee had said about Katie dating him. “You know how ugly divorces can get. It’s nice when things can remain civil, especially when there are kids involved.”

  “I guess it’s easy to let go when you were never really holding on all that tight.”

  “Are you talking about you or Lee?”

  She shrugged. “Both of us. I married Lee because I didn’t want to deal with my addiction alone. I was afraid of relapsing. I stayed married to him because it
felt safer than being alone. To tell you the truth, I’m still afraid of being alone, but that’s no reason to jump into another relationship right away.”

  Chris’s gut clenched. He’d seen that coming since she got in the car. The rigid set of her slight shoulders and the ticking in her jaw told him she was as tense as he’d ever seen her. She’d intended to deliver bad news and was obviously dreading it, but not half as much as he was. “You’re saying you don’t think you’re ready to start seeing me?”

  “I don’t know if I’m ready to start seeing anyone,” she said, squeezing his hand. “Believe me, it’s not you. It’s—”

  “Don’t say it,” he said, withdrawing his hand. He wrapped it around the steering wheel instead. He had no interest in holding her hand if that was as far as it would ever go. “I get it.”

  “The last thing I want is to hurt you.”

  He was determined not to let his frustration show, but he couldn’t deny the effort was taxing. “You mind telling me what happened to change your mind? You seemed into me in my office, and the other night at dinner I thought we had a great time. Was I just imagining that?”

  “No.” She curled her hand around his forearm. “I did have a great time. I always have a great time with you. You’re sweet and kind and funny and—”

  “Would you just stop?” he asked between clenched teeth. “I don’t need you to try to make me feel better. You’re not the first woman who’s given me the ‘friends’ speech. I’ll survive.” It hadn’t happened since he’d had his braces taken off in tenth grade, but he hadn’t forgotten what it felt like to love a girl who didn’t feel the same way.

  “I’m so sorry,” she whispered, clasping her hands in her lap.

  “Why’d you even bother coming if you felt this way?” Spending the next two days with her knowing he couldn’t touch her would be torture.

  “Hannah overheard me talking to my sister about it. She was so excited to spend time with Bianca, and I didn’t want to disappoint her. Besides, I’d like to think we can still be friends. You’re an important part of my life. If we’re going to be business partners… Are we still going to be business partners?”

  Chris was an expert at separating his business and personal relationships. He had to be since he worked with his stubborn old man every day. “If you want to, I’m still in.”

  “I do want to,” she said quietly. “But I’ll understand if you need to back out.”

  At the next stoplight, he looked her in the eye. “You won’t give me a chance to prove it to you, but I’ll never let you down. My word is my bond. If I say I’m going to do something, I do it. If I say I’m going to love you forever, you’ll have my heart until I draw my last breath.”

  ***

  Katie couldn’t get Chris’s words out of her head. Was she being a fool to shut him down without giving him a chance? It had been almost a week since they’d returned from Tulsa. Chris had emailed her a few times to give her a status update on their business plans, but he’d never stopped by or attempted to call. While she hated to admit it, she missed him.

  Katie took Hannah to Cassidy’s for her weekly semi-private swimming lesson with Shyanne. While they were occupied with their instructor, Katie enjoyed a glass of sweet tea with her mother and sister.

  “So how’d things go in Oklahoma?” Liz asked, sipping of her drink.

  Katie eyed her mother before shooting her sister a dirty look. “Funny, I don’t remember telling you about that, mama. How’d you hear about it? As if I didn’t know.”

  “If your sister didn’t fill me in on what was happening in your life, I wouldn’t even have known your husband moved out,” Liz said, giving her daughter a sharp look. “You wanna tell me why you didn’t think I deserved to know that little tidbit?”

  Katie winced. “I’m sorry. I know I should have told you, but everything happened so fast.”

  “How do you feel about it?” Liz reached for Katie’s hand. “I mean, really?”

  “I’m okay. Which I guess says it all. I shouldn’t be okay. My husband, the father of my child, walked out on me. I should be a mess.”

  “Not if you have a hot man like Chris to take your mind off your troubles.” Cassidy grinned.

  “Have you been told to mind your own business yet today?” Katie asked, glaring at Cassidy.

  Cassidy shrugged. “I figured I’m already in trouble. Why not go all in?”

  “How would you like to go in”—Katie inclined her head toward the Olympic-sized swimming pool—“head first?”

  “Fine,” Cassidy said, sliding her fingers across her lips. “I won’t say another word about a certain sexy—”

  “Shut up!” Katie blushed when the young swimming instructor frowned at her.

  “That’s enough, girls.” Liz rolled her eyes. “I swear you two are worse than the kids sometimes.”

  “I’m going to go in and call Drake,” Cassidy said, swinging her legs over the side of the lounge. “He wasn’t sure if he would be home in time for dinner tonight, and it should be just about ready. You wanna stay, Katie?”

  “Thanks, but I started dinner in the slow cooker before I left the house.”

  “Look at you,” Cassidy said, grinning. “Using a slow cooker. I remember when you needed help boiling water.”

  Katie smiled in spite of her foul mood. She would get the last word in. “And I remember a time when you couldn’t afford a Happy Meal. Times sure have changed, haven’t they, sis?” Cassidy slipped her large round shades down over her eyes and purposefully nudged Katie’s feet as she walked past.

  “I don’t know why you girls seem to get off on giving each other such a hard time,” Liz said, watching her granddaughters in the pool. “You’ve been like that ever since you were their age. I thought you would’ve outgrown it by now.”

  “Cass knows I love her.”

  “Is there any truth to what she said about Chris? Are y’all seeing each other?”

  “No.” Katie tried to ignore the twinge of disappointment. She’d been the one to decide that was for the best. She had no business questioning her decision.

  “Why do I get the feeling you’re not too happy about that?” Liz’s silver eyebrows shot up. “Please tell me he’s not the reason your husband left you.”

  “No!” Katie lowered her voice when the swim instructor shot her another look. “How can you even ask me that? You think I’d mess around on Lee? With his best friend?”

  “No, I don’t think you’d do that.” Liz sighed. “But the heart wants want it wants, doll. Sometimes we can’t help ourselves.”

  “As long as I have free will and a conscience, I think I can control myself, mother.” Liz was “mother” when Katie was annoyed, which happened a lot. Liz claimed because Katie was the baby, she felt the need to protect her. Katie suspected her mother just felt guilty for being an absentee parent while she was growing up.

  “Does Lee know you and Chris have feelings for each other?” Liz tilted her head so she could watch Katie’s reaction.

  “I just said we weren’t seeing each other.”

  “But that doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings for him.”

  Deciding it was pointless to argue, since she was certain she’d look guilty as sin if she tried, Katie said, “Lee and I have talked about it. He encouraged me to give it a shot with Chris, but only if I’m sure I’m looking for more than a brief affair.” Her cheeks burned when she realized what she’d said. She and her mother had never discussed sex, and that certainly didn’t seem like the time to start. Katie reached for the rainbow-striped towel on the bottom of her lounger. “It’s almost time for the girls to get out of the pool. I should help them.”

  Liz reached for her daughter’s arm. “The lesson doesn’t end for another ten minutes. That’s plenty of time for you to tell me why you’re running scared.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “You’re afraid of taking a chance on Chris. Why?”

  “It’s too soon.” Katie didn’t
understand why she was the only one who thought so. What happened to waiting a respectable amount of time after her husband walked out to begin dating? Katie knew some women would use their husband’s best friends to get even, but their situation wasn’t like that. She cared about Lee, and she had too much respect for Chris to use him that way.

  “Says who?” Liz sprayed another layer of sunscreen on her legs. “Girl, don’t make the mistake of caring what anyone else says or thinks about you. You need to follow your heart.”

  “I have a little girl to consider. She’s trying to adjust to her daddy not being there all the time. The last thing she needs is to have some other man hanging around.”

  “It seems Chris was always hanging out at your house when Lee was living there. I’m sure Hannah’s gotten used to having him around.”

  Katie would never admit it to her mother, but just last night, Hannah had asked why Chris never came around anymore and said she missed him. She wasn’t the only one. Katie had found herself wandering to the front window after she tucked Hannah in, pulling back the curtains to find out if there was a light on across the street. There wasn’t. Not even when she took one last look before bed. He was probably out on a date, she thought miserably.

  “Honey, I know you’re trying to do right by your girl. I admire you for it. I wish I could say I did right by you and your sister when you were that age.”

  Katie knew her mother regretted the choices she’d made, but Katie didn’t hold it against her anymore. She knew Liz had been sick, just like she was when she’d been popping pills. “We’ve all moved on. It’s time to stop beating yourself up for the things you can’t change.”

  “I know Cassidy and I have moved on, but have you?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Your sister learned to love herself, and she’s found a man who loves her. I’ve learned to forgive myself, and I’m working on loving myself a little more every day,” Liz said.