Gorgeous Chaos

by T. K. Leigh

  “Hi, everyone.” Olivia looked out over the audience and found Alexander’s eyes. “I’m not going to talk much tonight. Just one quick song and I’m out of here. I just need to sing this to let someone know how much their inability to tell the truth has hurt me.”

  A lone tear fell from her eye. “This is I Was Gonna Marry You by Tristan Prettyman.”

  “WHAT?!” Alexander said loudly. Several people in the bar turned to look at him, including Kiera and Mo.

  What the fuck? Kiera mouthed to Alexander as Olivia started to play the opening measures on the piano.

  Alexander sat at the bar, listening to Olivia sing, trying to process the words coming out of her mouth. She looked like an empty shell sitting on that stage. There was only pain. And he caused that. Again.

  Olivia knew the song was a bold choice, but she needed Alexander to feel her suffering…to know that locking away the secrets of her past destroyed her. And maybe he needed to think that she no longer wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. She didn’t know if that was true, but maybe it could be. How could she still want to marry someone who had lied to her? That kept her true identity a secret from her? She had put her trust in him and he betrayed that. He held all the answers to the questions she had struggled with her entire life, and he kept them from her.

  She almost didn’t care about knowing the truth anymore. Did it really matter? Maybe the last thing she needed to do was talk to Alexander and get answers. He always had an uncanny ability to make her understand why he did certain things. She would run back into his arms like she always did. But, this time, he hurt her far worse than he ever had before.

  Alexander listened to Olivia sing, her sweet voice ringing through the bar as she played the gentle melody on the piano. He knew that he had lost her, not just in the lyrics she sang, but in the way she stared at him. She was gone. He still had so much he wanted to say to her. He just didn’t know if he could say the words she needed to hear, her father’s warning constantly ringing in his ears.

  Olivia finished the last verse, her chin trembling as she thought how empty her life would be without Alexander in it. Tears streaming down her face, she shook her head as the final chord sounded through the bar, the audience remaining oddly silent. She stood up and her eyes met Alexander’s. She tore her gaze from his and looked down at her left hand, her breathing ragged from the heavy sobs overtaking her body. Grabbing the ring, she started to slide it off her finger, locking eyes with Alexander once more.

  His chin quivered. “No. Please.” His deep voice echoed through the bar. “Olivia, love. I beg you.” He reached his hand toward her from across the large space, but his feet remained frozen in place.

  The audience looked back and forth between Olivia and Alexander, watching the drama unfold.

  “Please,” he begged once more. “I can’t lose you again.”

  Olivia wanted to take that ring off. It felt as if it was scorching her skin, constantly reminding her that their entire relationship was based on deception. “I’m not sure I was ever yours to lose,” she whispered through her tears, staring at him as she slid her ring back into place, keeping it on. She bolted off the stage and ran to the table, grabbing her purse, not saying a word to anyone. Cam jumped up from his chair and followed her out of the bar.

  She practically ran down the sidewalk, her sobs heavy, not caring how many people gave her strange looks. She entered the unlock code through her tear-stained eyes and got behind the wheel of her car, her cries making her entire body shake. She knew, at some point, she would take off the ring. She just wasn’t ready for that yet.

  Seeing Alexander again made her entire body ache. She hated looking into those green eyes that she saw every night. It hurt that she wasn't worth the truth to him, and she wanted nothing more than to leave and never return to Boston. The city that once held so many fond memories, now only held heartache and pain at every turn.

  She looked over the steering wheel, almost hoping to see Alexander come running out of the bar to talk to her. To tell her how sorry he was. To say that he was a fool for destroying their relationship. To promise that he would make it up to her. But that never happened so Olivia cried even harder.

  Cam walked up to the driver’s side door and opened it, helping her out.

  “Oh, Cam,” she cried into his chest, hugging him with all her strength as she trembled from her sobs.

  “Come on, Libby. You’re in no condition to be driving.” He helped her over to the passenger side before getting behind the wheel and turning on the GPS, punching in Olivia’s address. During the short drive back to her house, the crying didn’t stop. It only got worse. Cam wondered if she would ever return from this, and what it would take to get her to bounce back.

  As he held her that night after she finally drifted off to sleep, he pleaded with her, “Please, Libby. Come back to me.”

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  CONSTANT

  “LIBBY, YOU NEED TO talk about it,” Cam said in a feeble attempt to get Olivia to open up about what happened. “Especially considering the meltdown you had last night at Open Mic.” He walked from the kitchen to where she sat in her reading nook by the bay windows overlooking the street. “I can help you work through this, and not as a therapist.” He grasped her hands in his, kneeling in front of her. “As a friend, Libby. A friend who is so fucking worried about you right now.” His face was awash with concern.

  Olivia sighed, staring out the window and meeting Alexander’s eyes. She was glad he looked exactly how she felt. Empty. Broken. Shattered. “Well, I guess I should start at the beginning.” She got up and made her way to the couch, Cam joining her. She immediately lay down and placed her bare feet in his lap.

  The familiarity he felt with her made him grin. “That’s a pretty good place to start.” He grabbed some lotion and began rubbing her feet, hoping that the comforting gesture would help her be forthcoming. It worked.

  Over the next several hours, Olivia proceeded to tell Cam everything she could think of, even if he already knew some of it. How her parents were killed in a car accident when she was six. How she had nightmares about the crash nearly every night. How the dreams became more vivid once she met Alexander. How she dreamed that her father made it out of the car alive. How, in her dreams, she overheard a conversation between her father and uncle saying that they needed to fake both of their deaths. How she was raised by her uncle. How the man she thought was her uncle was really Alexander’s father. How Alexander and she were childhood friends. And how Alexander knew her true identity back in August, but never told her. He had lied to her since then, in the guise of trying to protect her from some unknown threat.

  “So, if most of your dreams were true, do you know if your father is still alive?”

  That hadn’t even crossed her mind. She was so upset with Alexander lying to her that she never even thought about anything else. “I don’t know. It was just a dream.”

  “Was it, though?” he asked urgently. “Our brains try to protect us, Olivia. You were in an accident that, apparently, caused you to suffer from memory loss. Usually, after such an event, you’d be surrounded by people from your past and you’d eventually come to remember everything again, but that didn’t happen. You were taken away from everyone and went to boarding school with sporadic contact from a family friend you were made to believe was your uncle. You never had the chance to regain your memory. But those memories were still there in your brain somewhere, desperately wanting to get out. Once you saw Alexander years later, your brain was trying to tell you something and help you remember.”

  “Do you think my father could still be alive?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t want to get your hopes up, but it’s a question you need to ask him.”

  She looked at Cam, wide-eyed at the suggestion that she speak to Alexander.

  “Libby, I’m not stupid. As much as I would love for you to forget all about him, I know that won’t ever happen. You’ll never love anyone li
ke you love him. I know that now.”

  Olivia processed his words before grabbing her iPad, searching through her music library.

  “What are you doing?” Cam asked, a quizzical look on his face.

  “That just reminds me of a song,” she explained, finding the tune she was looking for and streaming it to her speakers.

  “You’re too much.” He shook his head and listened to the soulful blues song reverberating throughout Olivia’s home. “But seriously, Libby. You need to talk to him at some point. He holds all the answers to your questions. You need to give him a chance to explain everything. You need closure, and he’s the only way you’ll get it.”

  She sighed, her eyes still glued to the iPad in front of her while she looked up chord progressions online. “I just need time. I’m not ready yet. Part of me doesn’t want to know because, if my dreams are true, then Alexander knew my life was in danger and he kept me in the dark about everything.”

  “I’ll give you time. But you need to do this.”

  “I know,” she agreed before looking into Cam's kind eyes…eyes that never lied to her. “Will you stay just a little longer? Please? I don’t want you to leave me just yet.” She reached across the couch and grabbed his hand. “You’re the only person I feel I can talk to who will give me a straight answer.”

  “What about Kiera and Mo?”

  “I love them both dearly, and they’re good about calling my bullshit, but there’s something about talking to you that I don’t get when I talk to them.”

  A smile crossed Cam’s face, his dimples popping. “I’ll stay for as long as you want me to, Libby.”

  “Thank you.” She squeezed his hand.

  That night, as she lounged on the couch with Cam, she glanced outside, tears welling in her eyes when she noticed Alexander sitting in the driver’s seat of the SUV. Slowly getting up from the couch, she grabbed her glass of wine and sat in the window. She stared at Alexander for nearly two hours, tears falling down both of their faces. She wanted him to come up to her door and say something…anything. But he didn’t.

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  “TAKE ME TO MISS Adler’s,” Alexander slurred after climbing into his SUV the following Wednesday evening. He had just had more than a few drinks with his brother, finally telling Tyler the whole story about what happened between him and Olivia. Of course, he left out a few details, like her father still being alive. No one could know that.

  “Yes, sir,” Martin said.

  As the SUV pulled up in front of the brownstone on Commonwealth Avenue, he saw Olivia and Cam through the window snuggled up on the couch together. He was infuriated to still see him there with her after over a week had passed. His blood spiked with anger at the thought of someone else being there to comfort his Olivia. Grabbing his cell phone in a moment of weakness, he dialed her number, knowing that it probably wasn’t the best idea for him to call her in his inebriated state. He watched with furrowed brows to see if she would answer her cell phone.

  Inside her house, Olivia heard her phone ring. She slowly raised herself off the couch and made her way over to the kitchen island, a sad expression on her face when she glanced down at her phone. Her lower lip began to tremble when she saw those green eyes staring back at her from the screen. Every night that he sat outside her house and simply stared at her, she felt her heart break a little bit more. She was shattered, and each day that passed was another reminder of his inability to tell her the truth.

  Answering the phone, there was no response on the other end. She sat down in the bay window with the phone glued to her ear, willing Alexander to say something. Apart from his gentle breathing, the line was eerily quiet.

  “I learned a new song today, Alex,” she said, cutting through the thick silence. “It reminds me of you. And me. All songs seem to remind me of you in some way. Mama always said that music is the best solution to any problem.” She lowered her voice. “But you probably already know that. Anyway, that’s what I’ve been doing…locking myself away in my music room, playing music. Mostly blues because that’s how I feel without you.

  “I should be so angry with you. And I am, Alex. I’m so furious with you. I’m sitting here questioning everyone in my life. I don’t know what’s real and what’s not. I’ve been lied to my entire life. Hell, I don’t even know what my real name is.” She took a deep breath and put her hand up to the glass in front of her. “But through it all, through all the soul searching and all the questions, I’ve realized that the one thing I do know is that I need more time to figure everything out.”

  Olivia heard Alexander let out a small cry. She locked eyes with the man sitting in the SUV, tears flowing freely from both their eyes. For the first time, she not only saw the Alexander she had gotten to know over the past several months, but she also saw the scared little boy who pulled her from the car when she was a young girl, saving her life. And she realized that he had continued to save her life on a daily basis. With everything going on, he was her constant…the one person she could depend on. The one person who had loved her throughout her entire life. Olivia dropped her voice, realizing that Alexander was family. The only family she had left. “I’ll never love anyone as much I love you, Alexander.”

  “So you still love me?” he asked, his voice full of hope.

  Olivia’s heart fell to the pit of her stomach. It had been nearly a week since she had heard his voice…his gentle voice that had told her how he had searched for her his entire life. The voice that was the calm in the storm of her life. Letting out a soft cry, she met his eyes through the glass. “I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you.”

  Alexander held the phone to his ear for a moment before realizing she had hung up. He looked at the window and met her tear-filled eyes. His face flashed red with anger when he saw Cam come up behind her and put his arms around her, leading her away from the window and toward the couch.

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  “OKAY, ENOUGH OF THIS bullshit, Libby!” Cam exclaimed the following day as he worked at his laptop, watching her scroll through the Google image search results for Alexander. The gossip magazines had been speculating about a possible break-up for the past week and it was still a hot news story.

  “Suck it, Cam,” she hissed, rolling her eyes.

  “I’m not going to put up with it anymore. What is it going to take to get you to stop feeling sorry for yourself and talk to me? You’ve turned Kiera and Mo away every time they’ve come to check on you. They care about you and are worried. You’re wasting away again, and it’s not good for you, Libby. You need to talk to them about what’s going on. Let them in.”

  “What do I say to them?”

  “Tell them the truth. They’re your friends,” he replied, walking over to the couch and grabbing her iPad out of her hands, forcing her to talk to him.

  “Yeah, but they’ll probably just say that I made everything up in my mind so I could push Alexander away. The last thing I was looking for was a reason to leave him. I was so looking forward to marrying him.” She furrowed her brow, the vein in her forehead popping like it always did when she was nervous.

  “Libby, don’t underestimate your friends.” He grabbed her hands, savoring the feel of her soft flesh on his. “They’ll always be your biggest cheering section if they’re worth it. And if they give you trouble, I’ll be here for you, supporting you.” He dropped his gaze from hers, staring at her small hands enclosed in his. “Just like I always will.”

  His eyes returned to hers, her breathing increasing as she listened to his affectionate words. The atmosphere in the room suddenly became heated. Cam could feel his heart rate pick up when he noticed Olivia’s expression change from one of anxiety to almost one of desire, her eyes flaming with lust. He leaned in slowly and gently brushed his lips against hers, softly at first as if asking if she was okay with it.

  Olivia was unsure about how to react. She had always found Cam attractive and, for the past week, he was the only one she felt that she could depend on.
But she knew his feelings for her were stronger than hers were. She didn’t want to lead him on, but it felt so good to be kissed and loved by someone. Getting lost in the moment, she closed her eyes and deepened the kiss, pulling Cam on top of her as their tongues tangled. Olivia wrapped her legs around his waist, reveling in the feeling of closeness she had missed the past week that she had been away from Alexander.

  Snapping back to reality, Cam pulled out of the kiss, looking down at Olivia.

  “Don’t stop. Please,” she begged.

  “Libby…” He sat back up, running his hands through his hair. “We shouldn’t…”

  She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before looking into his eyes. “Oh, Cam,” she exhaled, realizing what she was about to do and how much she would have regretted it afterwards. “You’re right. I wish I could love you. I really do. You’d be so easy to love.”

  He sighed, shaking his head. “You can’t say stuff like that to me, Libby. I wish you could love me, too, but I know that’ll never happen.” He was starting to think that he needed to get out of Boston before he became so attached to Olivia that he would never get over her.

  “Well, I guess I’m going to talk to Kiera and Mo,” she said, bringing Cam back from his thoughts.

  Smiling, he handed Olivia her phone. “Invite them over.”

  “Fine,” she huffed.

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  “WHAT THE FUCKITY-FUCK, LIBBY?” Kiera asked when Olivia answered the door a few hours later.

  “Nice to see you, too, Kiera.” She stepped back and allowed Kiera and Mo inside. “You both remember Cam?”

  “He’s still here? Are you telling me that you left Alexander for Cam? I knew there was a reason he was with you at Open Mic!” Kiera fumed before turning to Cam. “What the fuck are you thinking? I know you have a thing for her, but she was supposed to get married!”