PORN STARS... More Than Just Moans

by Joseph, Fabiola;L. Ramsey, Matthew

  “So is it okay if I just go home until I feel better I know that I have to do the interview but as far as filming…can that wait?”

  “Sure thing, Jazzy, go ahead…I miss you, you know that, right?”

  I could have said and asked a lot of things in that moment but…why? He moved close enough to me to sniff my perfume and spoke as if his life depended on it.

  “I don’t have much regrets in my life but the way I treated you, well that’s my biggest one. I think about you all of the time, it’s like you’re haunting me.”

  I looked at him but still had nothing to say.

  “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry, for everything, I really am.”

  So much had gone down, so many things he’s said, so many things he’s done, or didn’t do, what else was left? With him, you never knew what was real, what was fake. He was an enigma, hard to figure out, impossible to understand, and unworthy of trust. Yet standing there, with his dick tucked between his legs, I felt something for him, for our time together, and for the lack of companionship that we both had.

  “Do you think that I could check in on you, while you’re off I mean. Just to make sure you’re okay?”

  I tried to fight the word that was racing up my throat. I tried to swallow it so that it wouldn’t surface. I even tried not breathing, hoping that I’d pass out before I let it out, but it was choking me. The desire to say it was debilitating to my willpower. So there we were, standing in the place where we stared, I gave up on Lanell and I, I gave up on love, and I gave up on the thought of starting a new life with him in Vegas. Maybe this is what was supposed to be, Breeze and me.

  “Sure.”

  *****

  The next week flew by without me noticing. I spent most of my days in bed. I watched old movies from the 90’s and puffed on the packages that I would have Blaze deliver. My cell phone stayed off and my home phone was unplugged. Breeze hadn’t come by and in a way, I was relieved. I thought that maybe I had made the wrong choice out of desperation. I knew that he was bad for me. Even though I was still nursing the fresh wounds Lanell left behind, a Breeze Band-Aid would just have covered it up, instead of healing it. I shut the world out and wanted it that way. I hadn’t told anyone what happened with Lanell, fearing that speaking it would somehow make it more real, as if it weren’t already. I wouldn’t allow myself to call him anymore either. I had all the information I needed, why make myself suffer even more? So as I watched Love Jones, Poetic Justice, The Best Man, Boomerang, Jason’s Lyric, and The Player’s Club over and over, I purposely removed any thought of Lanell from my smoke filled brain and replaced them with the movies that had inspired me to head to L.A. and pursue an acting career.

  Midway through my fourth run of Poetic Justice for the week, I heard a knock on the door. I looked at my stash and knew that it couldn’t have been Blaze, I had a fresh package. I threw on my robe and went to the door. I had just finished thanking god that Breeze never showed up but there he was. I thought about not opening the door, knowing that nothing good could have come out of him walking through it, but being alone in that apartment had me going crazy. My self-imposed seclusion was starting to wear on me and I needed someone, anyone there with me. I needed to be heard, seen, touched, loved, and I knew that Breeze would give me all of those things, even if his attention was short lived.

  “Hey Breeze, what took you so long?” I asked knowing that this would pump his head up. He needed to feel wanted just as badly as I did.

  “I have been calling both of your phones but couldn’t get you. So I called in and told my dad I would either be coming in late or not at all. How are you feeling? What have you been doing? I even asked Jamar and DeeDee if they heard from you and they both said no. Is something wrong, well besides the obvious?”

  I thought about opening up to him and letting him know how devastated I was over what happened with Lanell. Then I looked at him, remembered who I was dealing with and said “Hell No” to myself. He would have been too happy to hear about my misery. I pictured him praying for the day some shit like this happening, and I wasn’t giving him that satisfaction.

  “Nothing really, just laying low, trying to forget what your bitch did to me.”

  I got up and headed to my bedroom before he could even answer. I knew that he was hoping that I wouldn’t bring Tanya up but I really wasn’t over it yet. In some ways, I still wasn’t over how he acted in his father’s office. I knew that he was upset with me for cooling things off with him. I knew that he didn’t understand how I had the nerve to speak and act the way I did toward him. Especially, after helping me blow up, but what about the way he spoke and treated me? Did he think that because he was the son of the porn king that he could treat people like shit and make them jump to his every whim? Well, it may have taken me a while to get up from under his thumb but once I was out, I saw the light.

  I no longer had dreams of being Princess to the Prince he thought he was. I no longer dreamed of the day he would change, respect me and treat me as his equal, I knew that day was never going to come. Now I looked at him and saw him for who he really was. So going into anything with him no matter how small or big, I knew the deal. Fucking him, talking to him or even being in his company was plain and simple to me. It will be what it is and nothing more. No false hopes, no daydreaming about what is to come, and no lying to myself. That put us on an equal playing field, whether he knew it or not.

  “She’s not my bitch anymore, and she should have never been,” he said as he followed me into the bedroom. I sat on my bed and picked up a half smoked joint. I lit the end and took in a deep pull.

  “Now you see that, huh?” I asked with a smile on my face.

  “You should have been number one.”

  He was standing in the door way of my bedroom leaning to his right with his hands in his pocket. The funny thing about Breeze was that he was a good liar. He may not have felt that way about me a month ago but you would have never known it. Every word he spoke was coated with sugar and false truth on the outside. He made everything sound so sweet, as if certainty was his strong point. But deep down in the cracks of his words, there was something bitter. Poison laced filling ruined the sugary taste that would fade away as soon as you swallowed whatever bullshit he was feeding you.

  “Should have been me, would have been me, but you ruined that, want a puff?”

  I asked knowing that I was blowing him, the wrong way. He sat on my bed and I pushed play on the DVD remote.

  “I came up with one thing and I don’t believe I’m wrong, nobody, but nobody can make it out here alone.”

  I laughed as Janet recited the poem in Poetic Justice. Breeze was there, in my home for that reason alone, I didn’t want to be alone.

  We didn’t do much talking after that, small talk here and there about the movies we watched or about who was going to roll up next. We laughed, and even cuddled as we watched one movie after the next. It was nice having him there, being the old Breeze I fell in love with in the beginning. All of the pretentious crap that he carried around was left behind as I laid in the arms of the real man, the man he tried so desperately to hide.

  *****

  I felt him next to me, taking a minute to remember who he was, his hands traveling up my legs, sending chills up my spine. Smelling him reminded me of his name, sending flashes to my brain of our day that past. It was three in the morning and I was still nestled in his arms, lying there feeling his breath on my neck and his hardness against my ass. His skin was cool like the breeze that blew through my vents. His heartbeat was almost loud enough to hear, as its rapid rhythm played a lost lovers’ tune of regrets. The television was on but the screen was blank, radiating a light blue light that shadowed our bodies.

  I wished that I could have turned around and saw the love of my life. The man with his dreads sweeping his shoulders and his gray eyes glowing like a cat in darkness. But I couldn’t, so I stayed with my back to Breeze resting as if I had never woken up, f
eeling like there was still something missing. I waited until I felt his hand in my shorts before putting my hand onto his, letting him know that I was no longer asleep.

  “You feel so good, Jazzy, so warm, so soft; I couldn’t help it. I had to touch you.”

  His voice dripped honey on my battered soul. It was the kind of words I needed to hear, the medicine I needed to take, and the distraction from the empty spot in my chest.

  “Turn off the TV,” I told him and waited until he did so before turning around. The darkness provided me with the illusion I needed. I could pretend that he was the one, the only one I needed and wanted. As I faced him and looked into the blank spot where his face would have been, I felt his cool lips on top of mine. They were soft and smooth. His mouth still tasted the same; fresh, clean, almost sweet. He still kissed the same, lightly sucking on my bottom lip, slipping his tongue gracefully against mine reminding me of his skills. Before I knew it, he was between my legs tugging at my shorts, once off; he gripped each side of my thong and pulled it down. I closed my legs tightly which threw him off.

  “I don’t think I should, I mean, I don’t know if I can yet.”

  He prompted me to relax and open my legs. He slid his body on top of mine and went back to my lips, moving down to my neck and back up.

  “We don’t have to fuck, just let me feel you.”

  A kiss

  “Taste you.”

  Another kiss.

  “Have you my way.”

  A kiss again.

  “Have you anyway I can without hurting you.”

  I savored his flavor. It was as if his deviousness added sweet molasses to his skills. He moved slowly, pleasing me with just his hands and mouth. Laying there, not even knowing when I had become completely naked, he took my nipple into his mouth and made me yearn for more. Like a garment filled with static, my hands now clung to his body and roamed his back, his chest, his hair, and his throbbing dick. We were submerged in lust, wanting each other for all of the wrong reasons. Our bodies danced to the Devil’s music as we rediscovered each other’s flavor.

  “Damn, you taste good,” he said as he nursed on my clit like a new born puppy who had found his mother’s tit. I screamed, and threw my head back and forth as if my brain was fighting my body. My hips shook violently as I reached my sexual peek. I pushed his face in deeper, almost trying to bury it, as if I was trying to hide who he was. I threw my hips into his lips, wanting him to stop and keep going all at once.

  “That’s right, Jazzy, let it out, baby; let it out.”

  He went back to sucking and now had me trying to run, I couldn’t take anymore but that didn’t stop him. He was trying to prove a point. He wanted to remind me that he was a good lover and that he still had the magic touch.

  *****

  I didn’t know how to feel the next morning. I knew that my actions the night before were not out of love or even because I liked Breeze. He was my seat filler, my man of the moment, the one who could fill that burning spot where my heart used to be. I lay there, quietly, no wanting to wake up and see him in the light, not wanting him being there to be real. I laid there not moving, hardly breathing, hoping that if I never woke up, he would get the hint and leave. After an hour of not hearing anything I opened my eyes and looked at the other side of the bed. It was empty and after sitting up and waiting a few more minutes, I realized that no one was in my apartment but me.

  I took in a deep breath, laid back down and relaxed. It felt good to be alone again. I had space to think and be myself. I reached over and picked up one of the rolled blunts that we never got to and lit up. I tried to figure out what exactly I was doing. Why did I tell Breeze he could come over, and furthermore, why did I open the door? Did I really hate being alone that much, or was it that I had to have a man at all times? When did this happen, where was I at when this change took place? As the smoke surged through my brain, more and more questions ran through it. The head was good as hell that Breeze laid on me but I didn’t need it. I wasn’t starving for head. It’s not as if I needed to cum, as if I hadn’t in years, so what the fuck was that shit about?

  Then something started to happen. The more I smoked, the more I started to reason with what I thought was the truth. Fuck him, I told myself. Lanell never gave a shit about me. He was still fucking his wife. God only knows the number of lies he probably told me. What was he going to do, stay married and continue to fuck me when it was convenient for him? Fuck that shit, I wasn’t going to be his bitch on the side, I wasn’t going to be his side piece. Not when I thought that I was going to be his one and only. Not after he had told me how much he loved me and how we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. NO, FUCK THAT!

  Why was I sitting at home worrying about him, as if he was even thinking about me? How many times was I going to let people into my life just to hurt me? When would my skin thicken, when would I learn? I had to stop setting myself up for disappointments. At least with Breeze, I told myself. At least with him, I knew what it was. I knew how to play his game now, I knew the rules, so I knew how to play to win, game on.

  *****

  I took a long hot shower and lotioned my body. I didn’t feel like putting any clothes on, so I opted for a fishnet cover-up that I brought to L.A. with me. I slipped on a cute pink thong with no bra. I called Blaze and asked him to stop by and didn’t bother to change, he wouldn’t have cared less if I opened the door naked. As I waited for him, I changed my sheets, picked up around the house and, and rocked the Miguel CD. “You could be my piece, click clack, click clack, tell 'em all get back, 'cause we shootin', we shootin’ 'em down.” That was my jam of the week and I blasted it as I turned the volume on my radio as far as it could go. As I rolled my last blunt and lit it, my cell phone which had been turned back on only moments before rang.

  “Where are you?” I asked as I strained to hear Blaze.

  “Behind the door, open up.”

  I hung up and opened the door. I let him in then walked over and turned the music down.

  “I hope you weren’t out there too long, it’s one of those days where I need music. Do you ever get like that? I know for some its movies, weed, alcohol, but for me, when I get in this mood, I need music, the beats, the words, you feel me?”

  He looked at me as if he was trying to figure out if I was okay. I smiled as he let his own slip out of his lips.

  “Yeah, I feel you; I thought that I was the only one like that. I could just sit in my house, blast music, smoke, and fuck,” he said as I handed him his own product. He took a few long pulls before handing it back to me.

  “You always gotta put dick in the mix, do you really like fucking that much?” I asked as I waited for his answer. I didn’t know much about him but what I did know was that he loved to fuck, at work, at home, in the streets, in the sheets; it didn’t matter, as long as he got it.

  “Even more; dick, weed, and money make my world go round.”

  At least he was honest.

  “Do you want something to drink?” I asked as I got up and pulled a wine cooler from my fridge.

  “I don’t want to interrupt whatever you were doing,” he said as he pulled his top grade weed from his back pack.

  “I wasn’t doing anything, just chillin’, I wouldn’t mind the company,” I said as I handed him a wine cooler. He laughed as he stood up and headed to my kitchen.

  “I would love to chill but I ain’t drinking this shit,” he said as he replaced the cooler with a beer. I guess being a bottom hadn’t softened him up enough to enjoy a fruity drink.

  Blazed stayed about two hours and we had a blast. We smoke a blunt or two from his different strain of smoke. Some with orange hairs, some looked blue, and the other looked as if it had crushed diamonds on it. Needless to say, I WAS FUCKED UP. We talked about porn, movies, Fantasy Pictures and the people who worked there. We spoke about music and the different sounds out there that came out of different countries. He loved Samba, Reggae, Rap, and list went on. I couldn’
t believe how well versed he was in music. I could have talked to him for hours without getting bored. But as we laughed and dug deep into each other’s minds, he got a call for another delivery. I was sad to see him go but understood. I bought an ounce of what he called Glitter and walked him to the door.

  “You cool as shit, you know that?” he asked as we stood at my door.

  “I know,” I answered with a smile.

  “Who knew we had so much in common. I gotta try and make it out to your spot to check out that CD collection. You know I’m coming over with blank CD’s to copy all of your shit right?”

  “No problem,” he said as he laughed.

  “By the way, you killin’ it in that top, boo. You got some really nice titties, all nice and perky. And that ass…if you had a dick…I would be all over you.”

  I laughed so hard that I turned red.

  “You are so nasty, what is wrong with you? You would be all over this? I bet you would,” I said as I unlocked the door.

  “I ain’t even lying to you, if you had a big dick between your legs…it would be on,” he said as he grabbed what I knew to be his huge dick. I shook my head and laughed some more. This boy was a trip. No wonder Jamar liked him so much.

  *****

  By six that evening my stomach was growling, all it had in it was smoke and wine coolers. I went to my kitchen and looked at the many take-out menus. I was ready to eat anything, but couldn’t decide. I thought about Chinese food, Italian, Greek, Indian, and even Jamaican. They all sounded good but after fifteen minutes of not being able to make up my mind, I said fuck it, I was gonna hit up a drive thru and the corner store for snacks. I grabbed my keys, walked a makeshift straight line to test my sobriety, and headed for the door. As I opened it to step out, Breeze’s body stopped me.

  “Where are you going in such a hurry?” he asked as I bumped into him.

  “Going out to get a bite to eat, wanna come?” I asked half way annoyed and half way happy to see him.