PORN STARS... More Than Just Moans

by Joseph, Fabiola;L. Ramsey, Matthew

  “Let me go in and put my things down, then we can go anywhere you want.”

  I hadn’t noticed the suitcase in his hand until he asked to go into my apartment. What in the hell was this dude thinking? I let him in and sat down. Fuck the food; I wanted to know why he was packed and coming to my house.

  “Going somewhere?” I asked as I nodded my head toward his suitcase.

  “What do you feel like eating?”

  Was he joking, why hadn’t he answered my question?

  “Are you going on a trip, why are you packed?”

  He didn’t answer. Instead he walked to the kitchen and asked if I still kept the menus in the same spot.

  “Sure am.”

  He came back out with the same ones I had been looking at earlier.

  “Pick one.”

  I just looked at him without moving.

  “For real Jazzy, pick one, any one.”

  Breeze spread the menus out like a fan on the coffee table and waited for my choice. Again I was having a hard time making up my mind but picked one up anyway. I could have gone for some good oxtail or curry chicken right about then. He picked up the menu and smiled.

  “Good, I could stand a good tan, got a bathing suit?”

  I looked at him as if he was crazy. I was hungry, not in the mood for tanning, the beach, or a pool. He walked to my room and went into my closet. When he came back out, I was standing at the foot of my bed waiting for him.

  “What are you doing with my suitcase?”

  “Packing.”

  “Packing, why?”

  “Because you want Jamaican food tonight.”

  “So what, what does that have to do with packing?” I asked as he went through my drawers.

  “The best place to get Jamaican food is in Jamaica, so that’s where we’re going.”

  He had lost his mind. Who did things like this? Who in their right mind would just get up and plan a trip like that without even asking the other person? I couldn’t help but smile. To be the prince of porn; what a life.

  “And what would have happened if I chose Greek or Italian food?”

  He looked up from neatly folding a shirt and said, “Guess we would be going to Greece, or Italy.”

  And that’s how he got me all over again. Only Breeze would do such a thing. Granted we were going to be flying on his father’s private jet, but still, he planned it. He thought of it, and he knew that I wouldn’t say no. His arrogance once again turned me on. I changed clothes, helped him pack my things, and was out of there within the hour. The flight had us new again, as if nothing from the past ever happened. And as we sipped on Champagne and ate fresh, sweet strawberries and chocolate, I forgave him for all that he had done. Every time Lanell tried to creep into my brain, I tried flushing him out, unsuccessfully.

  *****

  We landed in Ocho Rios, Jamaica and headed for the Sandals Plantation Resort where Breeze had booked the Governor General’s oceanfront suite. It was breath taking and having a butler was a plus. I went out on the patio and took in the view and the night air. It was all so beautiful, I felt like I was in a dream.

  “Does this make you smile, baby?”

  Breeze had joined me on the patio and wrapped his arms around me kissing my neck.

  “So very happy, how did you pull this off?” I asked as I watched the waves roll in.

  “There isn’t anything money can’t buy.”

  I got a chill up my spin. He was definitely right about that. And I was starting to think that I was one of those things his cash would keep around.

  “It’s late, why don’t you jump in the shower and I’ll join you in a minute?”

  I turned around to leave without even looking at him. We were in the right place, at the right time, and something was still not right. I undressed and turned on the shower. I went into it with a weird feeling, not even knowing why. I stood under the hot water trying to figure myself out. I was so confused. I wanted to forget him, stop him from invading my mind, I wanted him erased from my memories, but he was still there lingering, leaving his imprint on every thought that popped up.

  Why couldn’t I stop thinking about him? He was a fake, an illusion, a mirage. His love did not exist, it was never mine for the taking, and it was never mine to be had. I kept telling myself these things in hope that these feelings would go away, but they didn’t. Tears, out of nowhere, stared to form. I missed him so, and for some reason, standing on that patio looking at that water, dropped all these thoughts on me. I wished that I were there with him; I wanted Lanell to have been the one to walk out there and kiss my neck. I managed to stop myself from crying out loud. I just let my tears fuse with the water that came out of the shower head and pretended that they would wash away the yearning for Lanell with the soap I rubbed against my skin.

  “Damn, baby, what are you trying to do, burn your skin off?” Breeze joked as he slipped in behind me. I slipped my head under the pouring water so that he wouldn’t see my tears. I smiled at him and faked my way through our sex session in the shower.

  The next day was okay. I still wasn’t feeling any better but I put on a good show for Breeze. We got massages at the spa and dined on delicious food. I indulged on the top shelf liquor as often as I could. It helped me deal with my fickle mind and the absence of the man I really loved.

  “You better slow down, Jazzy, you don’t want to get too fucked up,” Breeze said lightly. I ignored him and downed the rest of my drink.

  “Just having a little fun honey, nothing to worry about, I know how to hold my liquor.

  We were on the beach working on our tans while I pretended to read a book and get drunk. I wasn’t very talkative and he could tell that something was bothering me.

  “Are you okay, baby, is there something wrong?”

  Again, I put on my poker face, smiling and bullshitting my way through our conversation.

  “Hell no, I’m in paradise, what else could a girl ask for?”

  I took off my shades and looked him dead in the eye as I lied to him.

  “Well, there might be a few more things that I could give you, that you may want,” Breeze said with a sly smile on his face. Okay, he had me interested, what else could he offer?

  “And that is?”

  I waited as he took his time to tell me.

  “Well, I was talking to this guy, a friend of mine---.”

  “Yeahhhh.”

  I was running out of patience.

  “Well, he’s a writer for that show…Roommates, you know the one that’s a huge hit for CBS?”

  I was all ears and he knew it.

  “Yeah, yeah, I know the show, what about it?”

  My eyes were big and if I wasn’t careful, I’m sure my tongue would have been hanging out of my mouth. That’s how excited I was at the prospect of his news.

  “Well, they are looking for a girl for that actor on there, what’s his name…Rob, I think? Anyway, his character on the show is supposed to start dating a porn star and he told me that the director was looking for a real one, an adult film star that is.”

  My mouth was dry and my heart was racing. Was he saying what I thought he was saying?

  “Well, he told the director that he was a friend of mine and that maybe I could help him by placing one on my starlets in his show. But I told him that I didn’t think that anyone would be interested. I mean, who wants to be on a sitcom when they are already doing porn?”

  Was he out of his fucking mind? I looked over at the beer bottle I was using as a chaser and thought about breaking it and slicing his neck wide the fuck open.

  “Why would you tell him that, I would have done it?” I said almost breathlessly.

  “Calm down baby, I’m only joking. Of course I told him about you. They thought that your look would fit right in with the other actors. You’ll have to go in for a test read and if you’re good, you got the job.”

  It took me a while to get over his little joke but when I did, I jumped right into his arms and
kissed him passionately, this time it was real.

  “Oh, my god, Breeze, thank you so much. That’s all I’ve ever really wanted to do. That’s why I moved out to LA, HOLY SHIT,” I screamed as I pictured myself on the set.

  “There is one more thing I wanted to ask you.”

  “What’s that?” I asked as I gave him another kiss.

  “I was thinking that maybe when we got back, maybe you would want to move in with me.”

  Silence filled the air. Now why did he have to go and ask me that right after he gave me such good news? What was I supposed to say? Umm, I know that you just did this really nice thing for me, not to mention this trip and all, but…no thanks?

  “Why would you want me to move in, you just ended things with Tanya?” I asked as I got off of him. He looked out at the ocean and I watched as his jaw clinched.

  “I’m in love with you Jazzy, always have been. Now that she’s gone, I just want to make things right with us. Treat you the way I should have.”

  Too bad I wasn’t feeling the same way. What we were, in that moment was cool. But moving in?

  “You’re a top star at Fantasy Pictures, Jazzy, you should be living like one. Not in some little apartment, with mediocre furniture, driving a fucking Lexus, fuck that. I wanna give you everything you should have, and more.”

  I listened as he went on and on about why moving in with him was the right move for me to make. Sure he was offering me the world, but what about the world I was building for myself in Vegas. I still wanted out of the porn game, and I wanted to get out of whatever this was I had with him.

  “I don’t want to do porn forever, Breeze. That has never been my dream, it was just convenient. I want to still go to Vegas to dance, and perform.”

  “So what, you can still do that, I’ll just be with you. You don’t have to be in porn to be with me. I want you, not the porn star, well, maybe in the bedroom,” he joked as he moved closer to me.

  “Just think about, would you do that for me?”

  I told him that I would, but I knew that what he was asking would never happen. He went to the bar to refill our drinks. As I watched him take out his cell phone and make a call, I realized that I didn’t love him anymore, hell I didn’t even like him most of the time. He was just there, there to occupy my time, and that was it. Were there moments I let my mind drift back to what we had, the good times, yes? But it wasn’t enough. Thoughts weren’t enough to keep me anymore. So I spent the next two days thinking about the show. That’s really what kept me going until I got back home. I watched the ocean and pictured myself on the small screen, not doing porn, but really acting.

  *****

  I couldn’t wait to get back home. I needed to be alone, to think about things. I needed to call my friends and tell them all that had happened and ask them for their thoughts. Maybe I was missing something; maybe I wasn’t seeing the big picture.

  “I really enjoyed being with you Jazzy, it was just like old times. Making love, sleeping next to you, walking up with you in my arms, I miss that, you know?”

  Again, his words pulled me from my thoughts and again I played his game.

  “Oh, yeah, me too, it’s been a long time you know, too long.”

  I felt bad, lying to him like that, but what was the truth between us, and what were the lies? I was on an emotional rollercoaster that would not stop.

  “Is that your building?” Breeze asked as I watched the flame blazing out the window above my apartment.

  “What the fuck, oh, shit, that’s right above me; stop the car, STOP THE CAR.”

  I jumped out and raced toward my building. Cops and fire fighters were outside and they stopped me from going in.

  “I live there, that’s my apartment just below that window,” I said as I pointed to my bedroom window.

  “You can’t go in there, the ceiling collapsed and your living room is now on fire. You might as well go to a hotel if you can; it’ll be days, if not weeks, before anyone will be able to go back in there.”

  I stood there hopelessly watching everything I owned go up in flames. What was I going to do, where was I going to go? My whole life was in that apartment.

  “What did they say? What happened?” Breeze asked once he parked his car and walked over to me.

  “He just said that it’s going to be a while until I’ll be able to get in there. What am I going to do Breeze? All of my things are gone, everything. Things I came from Baltimore with, things I’ve had since I was in Puerto Rico, they’re all gone,” I said as I started to break down. I didn’t care about my clothes or expensive purses. I was thinking about the things that had been in my family since before I was born, things that reminded me of my mother, before her downfall. And things that I held on to because of my dad, things that he had given me or that reminded me of him. And now, they were all gone, burned to ashes from what I could tell.

  “My offer is still on the table Jazzy. If you come with me, you will want for nothing, I will give you everything. Even if it’s just for now, move in with me. I’ll understand if you change your mind later, but for now, give it a chance.”

  I stood there for ten minutes thinking. I had enough money to rent another place tomorrow if I wanted to. I also had friends who would take me in at a drop of a dime. But I wasn’t going to go over Jamar’s house. He had way too much going on. Plus that asshole was there. And DeeDee had Ebony staying with her, so I sure as hell wasn’t going there. Okay, so what if I did rent a place until I left, would Breeze be mad, would he take the show opportunity from me?

  I looked at him and instantly remembered who I was dealing with, of course he would. He may have been offering me the world on a diamond platter, but I also knew that his diamond platter came with strings attached. It all could be taken from me if he didn’t get his way. FUCKKKKKKKKKK, I guess I had to do it. As I walked to his car, with him smiling from ear to ear, I knew that this would only be temporary. I would do the show, pack my shit, and leave without looking back.

  Chapter 30

  “You and Only You”

  The next day was horrible, not only was I hung over but I had to go home where I was bound to see Tyree. I knew before I left Jasmine’s place I was going to act like nothing happened. I was pissed and wanted to hurt Tyree as much as he hurt me, but I didn’t know exactly how, seeing that he was heartless. I just had to play it by ear, and be careful seeing that we sleep in the same bed four days a week. All I could hear in my head was Dru Hill singing, Somebody’s Sleeping in my Bed and I came to realize I had no idea who that somebody was. I pulled in the drive way and saw his truck and instantly felt sick to my stomach. I parked the car, turned off the ignition, and just stayed in the car until the ninety degree weather made me sweat and feel sticky.

  Now it was time to face the music. I got a little excited when I walked in the house and didn’t smell any weed burning That meant one of two things; he caught a cab somewhere, since it was still difficult for him to drive with his cast on or he stayed up all night playing video games and was sleeping the day away. I was as quiet as I could be when I peeked my head around the corner just enough to look in the living room. The first thing I noticed was that the television and PlayStation were still on. Then I darted my eyes to the couch, and there that lying bastard was, passed out with one leg hanging over the top of the couch, and his good arm hanging off while amazingly still holding on to the controller.

  I started to turn everything off but quickly turned around once it occurred to me that I might wake him up by doing so. I did however manage to pick up the baggie of weed off the coffee table without even making a sound. My mouth had a nasty taste in it and even though I was going to smoke the rest of the day and all night, the first thing I needed to do was get my mouthwash and electric toothbrush ASAP. After my pearly whites were fresh and clean just the way I like them, I kicked off my Dior Homme leather high top sneakers, stripped out of my jeans, boxers, wife beater, and blue polo shirt and left everything on the floor. I turned
the water on as hot as I could take it so the bathroom would get hot and steamy, because what I really wished I had at that moment was a sauna.

  The weirdest thing happened, which I’ll never forget, I was so horny I masturbated thinking about the hot times Tyree and I had in the shower, but as soon as I relieved myself I felt ashamed and disgusted. I just stood there and cried. I cried so long that the water turned cold. After I dried off I looked in the mirror, and my eyes were still watery and blood shot, and I hadn’t even smoked yet. I couldn’t believe it was actually over, at least to me it was over.

  What do you do when the future you planned for you and the love of your life is no longer an option? You move on, right? Well, that’s exactly what I had planned to do, as soon as I got my revenge. At first I started with small things like taking a lot of the weed and hiding it for myself every time we re-upped, just so he’d have to keep buying it. I also continuously asked him to pick me up some new shirts, jeans, and cologne when I knew he was at the mall. I even researched stores in Santa Barbara that sold brand name sunglasses and had him buy me a thirty five hundred dollar pair the next time he was out of town.

  He started to catch on and said, “Hold up, J, you’re been asking for a lot here lately. I need, I mean, we need to start saving money because you never know what’s going to happen in the future. We can’t be porn stars forever. I didn’t bother to ask him why because every responsible person should save money when their expecting a child, so I lied and said I’d put the money in his account as soon as he got back to L.A. That was then, this is now, but I failed to mention the first time I saw him after finding out the truth.

  I was in the kitchen getting my mind right and needed to get some things off my chest, but since I couldn’t tell Tyree how I felt yet, I just wrote it down.

  You and Only You. From: Krave To: Konceited

  Your face continues to haunt me in my dreams

  You’re trapped in my memory bank so it seems