PORN STARS... More Than Just Moans

by Joseph, Fabiola;L. Ramsey, Matthew

  Everything I enjoy reminds me of you

  I want to forget you but what can I do?

  What happened to you, I thought you were my boo?

  I dreamt of us while you looked for something new

  I tried hard to make it work with you and me

  As the days went on it became clear to see

  You weren’t into me, as you appeared to be

  You feed me nothing but lies being untrue

  Silly you, thinking I don’t have a clue

  I just need some time to think this through

  I’m not sure what I want to do to you

  After Ebony I hoped you would change and see

  Basically how much you truly meant to me

  Do you want to know what I find so strange?

  How the things you know will suddenly change

  And everything you know is rearranged

  Like I never thought one could have me tamed

  Next thing I knew you were the one I claimed

  I was blinded by love while you were lame

  Using me as a player in your game

  All your games and lies made me go insane

  I hope you know you’re the one to blame

  For my broken heart though it beats the same

  It’s sad to think there was nothing behind your kiss

  You and only you has ever hurt me like this.

  Just as I was finishing my blunt and poem Tyree walked in the kitchen yawning and rubbing his eyes as if he was still trying to wake up.

  “What’s up sexy? What are you doing?”

  “Nothing just writing.”

  “Writing? Writing what?”

  “A poem.”

  “Oh, word. I didn’t even know you liked poetry. Is it about me?” he asked with such arrogance as if he already knew it was about him, and then stared at me with a huge ass grin on his face.

  “You and only you,” I replied in a happy tone but it should’ve sounded sarcastic because in reality I wanted to cuss him out.

  “I’m hungry. What are you fixing for dinner?”

  “I’m not feeling that good so you might have to order us something.”

  “Okay, I can do that, but what’s wrong with you?”

  “I’m a little hung over. I hung out with Jasmine and DeeDee last night.”

  “I bet you had fun. What did Jasmine have to talk about? Didn’t she just get back from Vegas?”

  “I mean it was fun, but the night didn’t go exactly how I thought it would go.”

  “Why not, what happened?”

  “We just hung out, and got fucked up. I thought we were going to go out or something. Anyway Jasmine went to a few places with Lanell. It looks like those two are pretty serious now. He’s opening up a club in Vegas for her. Oh, yeah, she took a few pictures and videos with her cell phone and showed them to us. They were very interesting. I think you would’ve been shocked if you saw them.”

  “Oh, for real?” he answered as he half listened to what I was saying because he was too busy looking in the refrigerator.

  I didn’t bother responding since I realized I lost his interest, in more ways than one.

  “So, J, you really aren’t cooking anything tonight? Come on man, I’m starving over here.”

  “Nope, go ahead and order us something.”

  “Come on baby, please. I’m in the mood for some steak, potatoes, and carrots for some reason.”

  Was he fucking serious? He had some nerve.

  “YOU TRIFLING ASS NO GOOD MOTHERFUCKA, HOW ABOUT YOU CALL THAT BITCH IN SANTA BARBARA AND HAVE HER FIX YOU SOME FUCKING STEAK BECAUSE I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOUR SORRY ASS AGAIN!” I screamed as I threw the notebook at his head, distracting him long enough so I could stab him in the neck with my pen. As blood squirted out, I grabbed his head and put in the freezer and slammed the door closed over and over and over again.

  “SOOOOO?”

  Damn, I did it again, blacked out picturing what I would love to do to those people who I’ve loved the most but been hurt by the most. They have really made me lose myself in a sense, and think evil things that I have never thought of. Anyone who knew me in the past would tell you I’d never even cussed someone out let alone physically hurt someone, but I guess sometimes the Devil gets the best of all of us. I looked back up from daydreaming and realized he was still waiting to see if I was actually going to cook for him.

  “How about this, I’ll call in the order, and then throw some clothes on, drive you down to The Steak House and you can run inside and pick it up since I’m not feeling that good to eat there?”

  “But, baby, it’ll be cold by the time we get back.”

  “Stop sounding like you’re begging, Tyree, it’s not a good look on you. You can eat in YOUR car on the drive back, get back here, smoke, and then heat the rest up later. Think about it, it’s not rocket science.”

  Okay, so my acting skills need major improvement, since I was pretending to be nice, but snapping on him. The more I think about it the more I get disgusted with his dumbass and wonder how I was stupid enough to fall for such a loser.

  “Good idea boo, I’ll get ready now and grab my wallet.”

  Too easy! That was the start of my revenge.

  Once we got back I rolled up, smoked, and ate all at the same time, I know I’m ass backward but I wanted to get away from him as soon as possible. I wished I never smoked that night because I started thinking about everything he did behind my back; filming a porno with Domingo even though I asked him not too, fucking my best friend on numerous occasions, in my house no less, and now getting some bitch pregnant. At first I started to shake my head and laugh to myself because I was in shock all over again, and had to laugh from crying. I kept looking at him like you don’t care about anyone but yourself. Then, I started to get pissed. I wanted to punch him in the face so bad but every time I balled up my fist, I couldn’t do it. That just made me even madder. I started shaking and I got really cold, freezing cold to the point that my teeth were jittering. I had no idea what was happening but the more I dwelled on it the more I shook. My chest started hurting and getting tight, so my initial reaction was that I let this motherfucka cause me to have a heart attack. I put my food down on the coffee table and raised my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them to ball up and try to warm myself up. When Tyree tried to pass me the blunt he could tell something was wrong right away because I saw it in his eyes.

  “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?”

  “I don’t know. I’m freezing all of a sudden and my chest hurts; I think I’m having a heart attack.”

  If I wasn’t disgusted before, I was now because he moved closer to me and put his arms around me. Then, he started moving them up and down quickly, as if he was trying to warm me up. I wanted to scream “GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF OF ME, LIAR”, but I decided to jump up. I ran to the bathroom because I remembered someone telling me once that if you take a shower it will bring your high down. I figured what the hell, since I was obviously either too high and having a panic attack or I was having a heart attack. I stripped down and got in the shower for the second time within a few hours, but even though the water was warm I was still freezing and couldn’t stop shaking, it was actually getting worse. I quickly jumped out the shower and almost fell, my legs split apart and one hand was on the wall and the other was on the sink as I caught my balance. I shook that off, thinking how fucked up that would’ve been and dried off, ran to our bedroom butt naked, jumped on the bed, and got under the sheets and comforter as fast as I could. After ten minutes I started to warm up but my chest was still killing me. No matter how I moved or tried to lay I felt a sharp pain so I just stayed still. I must’ve freaked Tyree out because he finished the blunt before he came in the bedroom to check on me.

  “Damn, J, what’s wrong? You’re tripping tonight?”

  “I don’t know but it’s freaking me out.”

  “Do you want me to call 911?”

  “And tell them w
hat? I was getting high and now my chest hurts? Get the fuck out of here.”

  “Damn, I was just making a suggestion.”

  I didn’t say anything else I just held my chest and closed my eyes. I never expected Tyree to crawl in bed beside me and hold me. I wanted to push him off of me, but I won’t lie and say it didn’t feel good to know he was concerned, even if it was only for that moment. Plus I was so scared that if I made any sudden movements, I would really cause myself to have a heart attack and die high as fuck butt ass naked, not a good look. Anyway the more I thought about it the more nervous I got. I almost started to cry but my pride wouldn’t let me do that in front of Tyree, so I started praying to God instead.

  I made a promise if He helped me I would never smoke again. I’ll be one hundred percent, at that moment I had full intentions on holding up my end of the bargain, but a true weed head can only hold out for so long. I needed to think about something else besides my heart beating faster than it ever had before, but I couldn’t stay focused on a single thought. My mind was racing my heart beat to see who could move the fastest. I had never experienced anything like it. I was having 20 different thoughts a minute. Till the day I die I’ll never forget what happened next because afterwards I was ashamed, embarrassed, and a few tears actually crept down my cheeks.

  “Tyree, take off your clothes,” I said in a panic.

  “Say what?”

  I could hear the confusion in his voice.

  “You heard me, take off your clothes and fuck me.”

  “Are you sure you should be having sex right now?”

  “I don’t give a fuck. I need to take my mind off of having a heart attack before I scare myself to the point that I actually have one. Feel my chest.”

  He put his hand on my chest and again I could tell I was freaking him out. Tyree did what I said, and grabbed the Vaseline off the dresser before getting back in bed. I positioned my body so I was lying on my left side, that way he could lay behind me. I think he was worried about hurting me because normally he’d bang me out but that particular time he slowly slid inside me, moving in and out with slow smooth strokes. Surprisingly it worked. I was able to relax long enough so that as soon as he finished, and I knew that he couldn’t see the tears fall down my face, I laid there and fell asleep.

  When I woke up later that night or early in the morning depending on how you look at it my chest was still a little sore and I was scared to move a certain way, but since I wasn’t high, I wasn’t freaking out anymore. I realized I was just having a panic attack. Tyree was out in the living room doing his thing, getting high and playing video games.

  “Yo, do you feel better now?”

  “My chest still feels kind of tight, but I’m okay.”

  “Man, this weed had you tripping tonight baby, you were praying and talking to God begging Him to make the pain go away. I would offer you some, but I heard your promise and I don’t want you to have another bad trip.”

  I laughed to myself because I couldn’t believe I actually did that.

  “It’s cool, I’m good.”

  I left him alone because I still couldn’t believe what happened let alone that I had sex with him again. He was considerate enough though to put my food in the microwave. So I heated it up and ate it in the kitchen alone.

  The next few days were okay. I avoided Tyree as much as possible. At work we had to film a few scenes together but luckily they were all threesomes. Tyree and I were the tops so we didn’t have to interact with each other; the bottoms got all the attention. After work I found other things to do to take up my time. I went to the movies alone a lot, I hung out with DeeDee a few times or I just chilled out by the pool by myself thinking and plotting.

  Jasmine was sweet enough to call and check up on me every day. So when she called and asked me to go with her for support at an upcoming appearance I couldn’t turn her down. I needed to see her and wanted to get out of the house so it was perfect timing. The club was okay, but it was a straight club. So, I wasn’t getting the attention I craved. I got a couple of looks and had to wonder, I bet he’s DL and thinks I’m hot, or he’s a fan but too scared to approach me because he’s with his boys. The funny thing about that was I caught one of his boys checking me out too. I knew after a couple of drinks I’d break the ice and speak. I kept Jasmine company while she changed into her revealing, but sexy outfit. I watched her fix her hair and do her makeup before finally rubbing lotion all over her body.

  A couple of minutes before show time I went back out in the club so I could get a front row seat. There was no doubt in my mind that she could dance but I wanted to know what all the fuss was about. As soon as the lights dimmed the men started whistling and hollering as if they were all hard and ready. I didn’t expect her to perform multiple songs and kill them all, but I guess when you’re that good you get a rush out of being on stage in front of a big crowd. It didn’t hurt that they were constantly throwing money on the stage, and putting it on her. I was getting into it and cheering her on “GO GET IT, GET IT GO” until I noticed she was getting up close and personal with a man on the other side of the stage.

  The way she was getting down and giving him basically his own private show, while bumping and grinning all up in his face, made my curiosity get the best of me. I had to get up and walk over to see who was fine enough to grab her attention, but I quickly stopped in my tracks and gasped when I realized it was Breeze, our boss for God’s sake. I had to wonder what the fuck was wrong with her. Lanell just brought her a club and now she’s turning on her previous lover, if that’s what you want to call him. I wouldn’t dare, but then again maybe she wanted to show him what he was missing out on, either way I was disgusted with both of our recent actions.

  After her performance I stood to the side and got a different perspective of the meet and greet. I watched as she signed pictures, talked to fans, and took pictures. It was nice to see what it looks like from the side lines and it made me appreciate my career even more.

  *****

  I was doing so good holding up my end of the deal I made with God until later that night when we got back to Jasmine’s condo, damn peer pressure is a bitch, or a friend named Jasmine.

  “Please tell me you saw that fine ass motherfucka get in line three times. His ass was thirsty, he kept whispering in my ear, “I’d eat your pussy for days.”

  “Eww, not with that foul mouth; did you see those gold teeth or were they just yellow? I couldn’t tell from where I was standing.”

  “So you did see him. He was fine, but damnnn, his grill was fucked. YUCK!”

  “What was up with that dude in the fur coat as hot as it was out tonight? Please don’t tell me he was a pimp. I hope you didn’t look him in the eyes, because he might think he owns you now.”

  “I know right, I signed his picture and pushed it to the side real quick so he knew to keep it moving, but hold up he gave me something for you.”

  “FOR ME?”

  Jasmine jumped up laughing and talking to herself “I can’t believe I forgot this” as she grabbed her purse. She pulled out something then ran over and flicked it at me, but since my ass couldn’t catch, it fell on the floor beside me. I noticed as I was picking it up that it was his business card, he really was a pimp.

  “There you go lover, maybe he can help you out on your “side jobs,” she said while moving her fingers as if they were quotations.

  “BITCH, fuck you. I don’t need no motherfucking pimp when I am the pimp; them hoes pay me. Plus, I’m as sweet and good as Now and Laters. While you were doing your thing I figured why not get some now, and got this boy’s number so I could get some ass later. How you like me now?”

  I failed to mention the rest of that night. I knew those dudes were cruising me. Behind a club isn’t my place of choice, but with my truck keys in Jasmine’s purse locked up and dealing with a dude who’s scared his boys will walk up in the bathroom looking for him, you gotta do what the scary cat, or should I say alley cat suggests.


  “Jamar, please don’t tell me my plus one fucked someone in the club.”

  “Calm down girl, I didn’t.”

  “Oh, okay, good, cuz I was about to say.” I cut her off before she could finish.

  “I just got my dick sucked behind the club. I had to satisfy my fan while you were almost done greeting yours.”

  We both started to laugh as she shook her head. I’m pretty sure she and millions of others got it in at a place, or two that she or they aren’t so proud of it either.

  I decided since we were having so much fun laughing and talking about her show that I’d stay the night again, instead of going home and having to sleep in the same bed as that asshole.

  Chapter 31

  “I know you can fight and all, but DeeDee,

  that bitch is like Mike Tyson on crack.”

  The next few days at Breeze’s house weren’t so bad. I had forgotten how lovely his place was. He had his home rid of anything that had to do with Tanya and as a surprise; pictures of me had taken the places where hers used to hang. The biggest of them being above the fire place and in the master bedroom Portraits standing taller than two men and wider than three people standing with their arms spread out. It was a nice touch even though I wasn’t planning on staying too long.

  “What time are you going in today?” Breeze asked as he stepped out of the shower.

  “I’m not sure.”

  I knew where he was going but wasn’t going to meet him half way.

  “Why don’t you ride in with me?”

  I knew it, and I knew why he wanted me to go into work with him. He was all about the show, wanting to show them that he had won, again, and the prize was me.

  “No, you have to go in way too early, my shoot is at three.”

  I tried leaving the bathroom before he made up a reason why I would have to go in earlier than my call time. I still hadn’t called Jamar or DeeDee to tell them that I was now living with Breeze. I was looking forward to seeing them because I thought that telling them in person would allow me to better explain the how, what, and why’s.