PORN STARS... More Than Just Moans

by Joseph, Fabiola;L. Ramsey, Matthew

  *****

  After crying and bathing, Jamar ordered breakfast. We ate in silence as we both dove deeper into our own thoughts. After we were done, he put me in the bed and gave me an Ambien pill.

  “Sleep well Jazzy, then you’ll wake up, and we’ll figure where to go from here.”

  And as I drifted off into a well needed sleep, I thanked God that he was my friend.

  I don’t know how many hours or days I slept, but when I woke up, the room was completely dark. I could feel Jamar’s warm body next to me and I nestled into him. He truly was my knight, the prince that was there to save me. It didn’t matter that he was gay and unattainable, it just mattered that he cared and loved me without doubt. He was the brother I always wished I had. So I stayed in bed for another hour before the hunger pains started to kick in. I wanted to call down for room service but didn’t want to wake Jamar up. So I slid out of the bed and tip-toed my way to the living area. I walked over to the bar and looked for the menu the hotel provided but was stopped in my tracks. Jamar came walking out of the bathroom and scared the shit out of me.

  “Damn Jazzy, you could wake the dead up with that scream.”

  He was holding his ears while I held on to my heart.

  “What are you; I thought you were…wait.”

  If he was out here then who in the hell was in the bedroom? I was confused and it showed on my face.

  “I called him once you fell asleep. You’ve been sleeping for a day and a half; did you know that, out like a light?”

  Who gave a shit about how long I was sleeping, he knew I didn’t? He was smiling. As if he was waiting for me to freak out and go all Jasmine on him. I swallowed hard. Could it be; could it be HIM?

  “What, I mean, how did you get him to come? Isn’t he still mad, what did you say to him, what did he say? Wait…is that really him, Lanell?

  Jamar took my hand and led me over to the couch. My hands were shaking and a million thoughts ran through my head.

  “After you fell asleep I got your cell phone. I tried calling him from your cell but he wouldn’t pick up. So I called him from mine. At first he thought something was wrong, like you died or something----.”

  “So that’s how you got him to come out?” I asked impatiently.

  “No, are you crazy? Anyway, he wasn’t trying to hear nothing I was saying, but the more we spoke, the more he listened. I told him the truth he wasn’t trying to hear from you. I broke everything down and told him how you ended up living with Breeze. I also told him that shit didn’t seem right when it came to that fire, but that’s a whole other story.”

  “So what did you say to get him to come, you had to have said something more, something that touched him in some sort of way?”

  Jamar looked as if he was holding something back, like he knew I was about get mad or something.

  “Well I kind of told him how you were falling apart. You know, with the drinking and going crazy in the club. And when I told him about that Huffington guy well, he kind of went crazy.”

  “You told him about that?”

  My eyes were big and my mouth was open. It was as if I was watching a crazy movie and couldn’t believe what I was hearing and seeing.

  “I didn’t tell him his name; I just told him what went down.”

  I stayed quiet for a while. If Lanell was there, that had to mean something right? That had to mean that he still cared.

  “How did he look when he came in?” I asked as I reached for Jamar’s drink.

  “Calm, nervous, pissed, sad, and all kinds of other shit, he looked like he was also really worried.”

  Jamar said as I took one deep breath after the other. This was going to be the first time I saw him since Breeze’s house. I wasn’t sure how he was going to react, what he would say, or what was going to come out of my mouth.

  “If there’s one thing that I do know, it’s that he’s still in love with you. He flew here on the first flight he could find…that’s love.”

  There was sadness in Jamar’s voice when he said that. Maybe that Tyree shit bothered him more then he let on.

  “I love him too, even with all of my bad decisions, I love him.”

  I got back up and stood at the bedroom door. I put my hand on the doorknob and turned it slowly; I peeped in and saw him, still there, sleeping. I closed the door and went back over to Jamar.

  “What was that thing that I had to remind you about?”

  He made a disgusted face which raised my interest even more.

  “Breeze.”

  And that’s all he had to say. I sucked my teeth and threw my hands on my hips.

  “What?”

  “He came to my house; saw the boxes you left in my garage.”

  “Oh, shit.”

  “Oh, shit is right,” he said as he fixed himself another drink.

  “He came to my house acting all crazy, talking about he was going to hurt me if I was helping you with some grand scheme to leave him.”

  “Oh, my god, what did you do?”

  “Nothing, I played it cool. But he did kind of scare me. Not in the “ohhh, he’s gonna whip my ass” way. But in the “This motherfucker is off his rocker” way.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh, Breeze was really crazy. And what made it worse is that I didn’t even know about this. Breeze never brought it up.

  “I just wanted to let you know in case you had to think of something to say, if and when he brings it up.”

  “Did he call while I was asleep?” I asked as I looked around the room for my phone.

  “A million times, I turned your phone off after I spoke to Lanell. That shit was driving me crazy.”

  I turned on my phone and it seemed like Breeze called every other minute. I thought about calling him back just to let him know that I was in Vegas. But when I looked at the door that led to Lanell, I turned the phone back off and looked at the clock. It read 8:30. I hung out with Jamar and ordered dinner. I was hoping that Lanell would wake up and come out but he never did. Guess I was going to have to go in and face the sleeping lion.

  *****

  The room was still pitch black. I maneuvered my way around the room until I felt the bed. When I made it to my side, I just sat there, then after a few minutes I slipped my hand across the bed, it was empty. I started to panic, where was he? This would have been so much easier if he was still asleep. The light in the bathroom came on and I waited. I could hear every move he made, even over my pounding heartbeat. After he washed his hands, I waited, not breathing and terrified. When the door opened and he saw me, he just stood there. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking and that scared me.

  “How are you feeling?” he asked as he walked over to the chair by the bed. I pulled my legs up to my chest and rested my chin on my folded arms.

  “Better.”

  And then the silence came, neither of us finding the words to fix the situation.

  “So,” he said.

  “So,” I answered.

  “Jamar told me a lot of what happened and I still don’t know what to say,” he shifted in the chair and ran his hands through his long dreads.

  “I know that knowing the truth can’t fix the fact that the truth hurts, but all I am asking is that you let ME try and fix it.”

  I watched as he battled with himself. It’s seemed like the war that was brewing inside of him was too strong to contain within, it oozed and showed itself on his face, his body language, his everything. I got off of the bed and walked over to him. I got down on my knees in front of him and leaned onto his lap. That night, I pleaded, I explained, I tried my hardest to convince him, and I told the truth. I did everything that I could to get my point across.

  *****

  The next morning came too soon. Lanell and I had only slept four hours. We spoke about any and everything that had to do with us and our relationship. By the night’s end, I had a complete understanding of his family dynamic and he understood the many perils of my life, one of the many dangers included B
reeze.

  “So you told me that you’re moving out within a week or two of getting back to LA, right?” Lanell asked as I got dressed.

  “I’ll be out of there within a week. It’s not like I have much there, most of what I am keeping is at Jamar’s anyway.”

  We seemed like us again. We were smiling, talking, and touching again.

  “I am going to put in a call to Gina and ask her if she knows any good real estate agents. I’m tired of renting,” I told him as he came up behind me. The sweet smell of his coconut oil filled the air and I was in heaven again.

  “You may not have to do that.”

  I was hoping that he didn’t take what I just said as me trying to hint at him moving with me. I knew that we had a lot to work out. Hell, we were just getting over my bullshit.

  “Why do you say that?” I asked as I turned and faced him.

  “Do you remember how I used to stay out here after you would leave? Well, I was really looking for a house.”

  Again, my mouth was left open.

  “Why are you so surprised? Isn’t that where we were headed, at least that’s what I thought?”

  Oh, shit, I hoped my reaction didn’t deter him.

  “No, it’s not that, I just didn’t think that you would want to move so fast.”

  He laughed and kissed my cheek.

  “I’ve wanted you and only you since the first day I met you. I never thought that we were moving fast enough. And now that I have you again, I want to go full speed, well, just as long as we stay on the right path.”

  “Honey, this will be my only path from now on, promise, just me and you.”

  At breakfast, Lanell told Jamar about the house he was thinking of buying. We were so excited that he put in the call to his agent and before I headed to the Black Oasis, we took a drive over.

  “Damn, this house is even nice from the outside,” Jamar said as we pulled up to the gate. And if he liked the outside, we all loved the inside. It was so extravagant that I was scared to ask the price, but I did.

  “Well, it is a buyer’s market so you will be able to get it for a steal. The owners are asking for four but we may be able to talk them down to 3.5.”

  Okay, so both Lanell and his agent were drunk. I looked at Jamar and have him the “did this bitch just say 3.5 million dollars as if she were saying ten bucks” look.

  “So, do you like it?” Lanell asked.

  “I love it but the price is crazy.”

  “We’ll take it,” he told this agent, and just like that, we had a house.

  *****

  I was backstage waiting for Jamar to come back and tell me what he thought of the show. After a long day of rehearsal, I freaked my performance.

  “So, am I thee bitch, or am I thee bitch?” I asked as he came into my dressing room. He had seemed a little down the whole day and I wanted to make him smile.

  “You are definitely thee bitch. I am so proud of you girl. You rocked that shit; you have to show me some of your moves.”

  Jamar was all smiles but something was off. And no matter how many jokes I cracked, whatever was off, stayed off.

  *****

  Gina came by my dressing room and told us about some really big party. The owner of one of the biggest hotels in Vegas was having a huge bash and she thought that it would be a good idea if I went. She said that my name was really starting to circulate and if I wanted to make it big, I had to play with the big boys, and Anthony Rondell was one of the biggest. So as the boys headed back to the hotel to change, I got ready at the club, Vegas style. Two hours later, the limo was pulling up to a palatial estate. The security was tight and everyone there looked like money.

  “Who in the hell lives here?” Jamar asked as we looked around like “New Money”.

  “All I know is that he’s one of the richest black men out here in Vegas. Not too many black men own big ass hotels and casinos. Oh, my god, is that a fucking panther?” I asked with my mouth opened.

  “No girl, that’s not a panther, that’s two fucking panthers, this dude is crazy.”

  Lanell laughed at Jamar and me. We were acting as if we had never left our back yards, but a panther, that didn’t seem normal to me.

  “I can’t wait to see what he looks like, he must be some kind of crazy to have panthers in his backyard as if their house cats,” Jamar said as we watched the big cats.

  “I wouldn’t say crazy, just innovative.”

  We both turned around to see who was putting their foot right in the middle of our conversation.

  “Well, there’s nothing normal about a man keeping panthers in his backyard, ain’t normal at all.”

  As Jamar spoke, I had a feeling that he was speaking to the “Not normal” man who owned the house. Everything about him said “Vegas money”. He reeked of big money, a fast lifestyle, and he smelled like a major player. I wanted to tell Jamar to shut up, but in a sick way, I wanted to see “Big Money’s” reactions.

  “I don’t think he’s crazy at all. Have you ever taken the time to really watch a big cat?”

  He asked Jamar as he got close to him. Jamar shook his head no. I could tell that this stranger’s closeness was starting to make him uncomfortable, “Big Money” never backed away and kept getting closer and closer.

  “Turn around and look at them, go ahead, look.”

  He waited for Jamar to turn his attention back to the cats before moving closer and continuing.

  “Look at how strong they are, look at the strength that runs throughout their whole bodies. They don’t have to jump around and scream, “Hey, I’m a bad mothafucka; I’ll kill your ass.” No, they don’t have to do that. Why? Cause you already know. They are silent killers, they watch, they listen and they learn. They move when you move, and stand still when you’re still. They wait for you to look away, to fall asleep, for you to underestimate them before they strike. They always take your kindness for weakness, they will bite the hand that feeds them, and they will claw at their owner’s feet. They are panthers, true to form.”

  Lanell and I stood there waiting to see what Jamar would follow that statement with.

  “That’s exactly why people shouldn’t keep them as pets, why keep something close that can’t be trusted?”

  Jamar did have a good point there.

  “What makes them any different from anyone else we let into our lives?”

  He waited but Jamar had nothing to say.

  “I’ll tell you what the difference is; it’s the fact that they will never be anything else besides what they are. They don’t come into our homes like house cats; they don’t sleep in our bed, cuddle, make love, and say I love you only to betray you in the end. No, they come in as killers, deceivers, as themselves. Now, shame on you if you let yourself forget what they really are.”

  Damn, “Big Money” was one sexy man. The way he spoke, the way he moved, his body, his voice, his everything was on point. He was powerful in his stance, just like the panthers he spoke of. I stood there wondering if Jamar was thinking the same thing. And although he turned me on, something about his energy, the way he spoke, and the look in his eyes told me he was dangerous. He seemed like he gave a lot of shit and accepted none back. He seemed like he was speaking of both himself and the panthers. But I guess you had to be a real hard ass if you’re in his position.

  “I get what you’re saying and all but…with people; they can’t rip you to shreds. At least you have a fighting chance, at least---.”

  “People rip each other to shreds all the time. Sure you may have a fighting chance if it’s a physical attack but nothing can prepare you for a back handed emotional strike, well unless you learn to see people for what and who they really are…Like I do with my panthers.”

  And there it was, Mr. “Big Money” was the big boy I was supposed to play with. So as Jamar got himself together and took his foot out of his mouth, I extended my hand and introduced myself.

  “Yes, Jezebel, I was expecting you. I caught your show last m
onth, it was spectacular. I would love to sit down with you some time; I have an offer I’m sure will be hard to refuse. Now who are your friends?”

  His eyes went from Lanell back to Jamar. Something told me that they were both playing for the same team.

  “This is my fiancé, Lanell.”

  “Oh, yes…I know you. Love your work.”

  We all knew that he was talking about the porn actor LUST, and not Lanell. But then again, that’s all he knew of him, his “Work”.

  “And this is Jamar. He ---.”

  “Yes, yes, I know him as well, big fan. I recognized the three of you right away. I have always wanted to meet you. I’m Anthony Rondell, owner of The Brutus Temples, The Brutus Cascades, and The Brutus Gentlemen’s Clubs, have you all stayed at the hotel yet?”

  We all shook our heads no.

  “I will have one of my assistants put all three of you down for a free three nights stay in my best suites. Here’s my card, just call ahead before coming. Now, would you like to join me for a drink by that bar?” Anthony asked Jamar. And that was the last time I spoke to either of them that night. I wouldn’t see Jamar until the next morning, after his walk of shame.

  *****

  “Look at you, looking like last night’s hooker,” I joked as Jamar came walking into the suite as if he was floating on air.

  “Now, how are you going to explain yourself to your man?” I asked with a light chuckle.

  “My man? Now, how many times did he explain putting his dick into anyone else to me? NONE!”

  I watched as Lanell damn near spit out his orange juice. I guess our smut talk was almost too much for him to take.

  So as we ate our food and laughed at all of the crazy things we saw at the party the night before, Jamar’s cell phone rang. He excused himself from the table and took the call.