Dear Tori

by Renee Fowler

  It was scary good.

  Noah really does know everything about me. He knows my body inside and out. He has mementos of our time together permanently etched on his body, and he loves me.

  He loves me.

  For some reason the thought makes me smile, and it definitely shouldn’t. I’ve only known him a couple of weeks, although he’s known me much longer.

  But he really doesn’t know me, I remind myself, because I’m not the same girl he fell in love with.

  God, this is confusing.

  That pretty well sums up how I’m feeling. Confused, and inexplicably missing Noah, although I barely said goodbye to him a handful of hours ago, and more than a little creeped out by all the talk about impregnating me last night, and utterly baffled by why I liked it so much.

  My thoughts are a mess all morning while I work. Maggie asks me more than a few times if something is wrong, and all I can do is shake my head. What can I even say? How would I begin to describe any of this?

  After the morning chores, Maggie retreats to the hothouse to attend to the tomatoes, and I stay out near the main barn, content to putter around. Eventually she ducks her head in to check on me, and tells me she’s going to run and get Brandon from school.

  I’m in such a weird mood, I almost want to call Abby and cancel this playdate, but Brandon is looking forward to it. Because we live out in the middle of nowhere, the only interaction he has with other kids is at school, and I remember all too well what that was like growing up.

  My stomach rumbles, reminding me that I skipped right past lunch. I’m on my way back towards the house when I spot a familiar figure striding in my direction.

  I have the sudden and inexplicable urge to turn and run in the opposite direction. I don’t want to face him. Not today. Not with the mood I’m already in.

  “I knocked at the house, but no one answered.”

  “What are you doing here?” I demand.

  Christian shoves his hands in his pockets, and stares down at the ground, then back up at me. “I needed to see you.”

  “Why?” I can’t believe how angry I am. Just the sight of him in his stupid suit pisses me off. Why is he dressed like that? It’s hot as hell out, and who comes to a farm dressed in a suit? “We already said everything we needed to say over the phone.”

  “After two years, you break up with me over the phone?”

  “After two years, you couldn’t even come stand beside me at my dad’s funeral?”

  “I’m sorry. If I could go back and do things different, I would.”

  I shake my head at him. Both of us standing there know that’s not true, and there’s probably a very good reason he waited this long to come see me in person. I’m guessing that merger finally went through. Christian figured I could wait until the truly important things in his life were taken care of.

  “Tell me what I can do to fix this,” Christian pleads.

  “I don’t even know why you’d want to.” My shoulders slump, and I let out a long sigh. “Christian, I’m with somebody.”

  “Who?”

  “Does it matter? It’s not like you would even know him.”

  His nostrils flare like a bull. “Try me.”

  I start to move past him. I refuse to stand out in a field, with the sun beating down on us, while he gives me the third degree. “I’m sorry you came all this way, but—”

  “Is it Noah?”

  Freezing in my tracks, I turn around slow. “How did you know that?”

  “Why him?” Christian demands. “Can you answer me that? What the hell is it about him?”

  “Are you spying on me?”

  “Do you have any idea everything I did for you?”

  “Christian, I left behind all the crap you bought me. The only thing I took was that car, and you can have it back.”

  “That was a birthday gift. It’s yours.”

  I honestly think the only reason he bought it for me in the first place is the sight of my dented hatchback in the driveway embarrassed him. “Well, I don’t want that car, not if you think it gives you the right to keep tabs on me. That’s creepy, Christian. It’s really creepy and weird.”

  He rolls his eyes. “Have you ever stopped to wonder why I left school in New York to become a stock broker in Florida of all places? Has that ever once crossed your stupid brain?”

  I throw my hands up in the air. “I dunno, Christian. Why don’t you tell me, since I’m obviously too stupid to comprehend it.”

  “I didn’t mean that,” he says quickly.

  “Sure you did. You’ve always treated me like I’m an idiot, and I guess maybe I am for sticking it out with you for that long.”

  “Victoria, you’re being—”

  “Ridiculous, and emotional, and irrational. I get it. I’ve heard that from you enough times.” I turn back around and stalk towards the house.

  I get as far as the back porch before Christian’s hands clamp down on my shoulders. He whirls me around to face him. “I gave up so much to be with you again.”

  I swat his hand away angrily when he tries to touch my face. “Again?”

  “Darling, I’ve known you for years. You just don’t remember me. We were in love once.”

  “W-What? You’re lying.”

  “I can prove it.” Christian pulls out his phone. He taps on the touchscreen a few times, inputting his security code, and swipes across. When he holds it up for me to see, I am confronted with a picture of a much younger me, standing besides a much younger Christian. My hair is fashioned in tight ringlets over one shoulder. I’m wearing a teal dress, and he’s wearing a suit with accents to match.

  “Was this a prom picture or… what the hell.” I pant shallow breaths as the depths of his deception sinks in. “You lied to me the whole time! Why would you do this?”

  “Your father thought—”

  “Jesus christ. I moved all the way down there to get away from everyone that knew me from before, and you followed me? And my own dad knew?”

  “Tori, calm down.”

  “Calm down? Every single person in my life has been screwing with my head, and lying to me, and you want me to calm down!” I throw the phone at him. It thunks against his chest, and tumbles to the ground. “You need to leave, right now. I don’t ever want to see you again.”

  Christian wraps his arms around me in a tight, restricting hug. “Darling, it was for your own good.”

  “My own good?” The whole world feels upside down as I start to sob.

  When I first met Christian, or when I thought I first met him, he came into the coffee shop where I worked every day for weeks until I finally agreed to go out with him. I could never really get why he was so determined to get to know me. Most guys would’ve given up after being blown off a dozen times, but not him.

  Maybe I really should’ve figured it out before now.

  “So you were my boyfriend?” I ask.

  “Yes,” he says close to my ear.

  “Then who the hell is Noah?” I start to shake my head. All those letters, and Maggie remembers us being together. “No. Noah was my boyfriend.”

  “You were mine first. We were perfect together. Everything was perfect, then… I don’t know what happened.”

  “If you don’t know, then I don’t know.”

  Christian’s grip around my shoulders tightens to just shy of pain. “Noah is what happened, and he’s all wrong for you. You have to see that.”

  “Get off me!” I shake free of his grasp, and stagger towards the back steps. Feeling unsteady, I sink down onto the stoop and hug my knees.

  Christian crouches in front of me. He tries to take my hands, but I fling them away. “Noah has been involved with drug trafficking.”

  “That’s not true,” I blurt out.

  “It absolutely is. He’s been incarcerated, and—”

  “You’re lying.”

  “Why would I lie to you about this?”

  “You’ve lied to me about everything else!”<
br />
  “He’s dangerous, and not someone you can trust,” Christian says.

  “I can’t trust you either. You’ve lied to me for two whole years.”

  “I didn’t lie,” he says carefully. “I just left out a few minor details.”

  “Minor details?” I laugh. “Were you ever going to tell me the truth?”

  He nods slowly. “I planned on telling you after the wedding.”

  My mouth gapes. “I can’t believe you. Christian, please leave me alone.”

  “That’s the real reason I didn’t come with you to your father’s funeral. I knew someone would recognize me and say something. I didn’t want to overwhelm you during what was already an awful time. Darling—”

  “I’m not your darling. I’m not your anything. I need you to leave right now.”

  When Christian doesn’t move, I tug off one of my dirty boots caked with mud and cow shit and hurl it at him. He quickly side steps out of the way.

  “This isn’t where you belong,” he says.

  “This is exactly where I belong. Maggie needs me.”

  “Your father didn’t want this life for you.”

  “Well, it’s the life I’ve got.”

  “And he definitely didn’t want you with that degenerate Noah Stone.”

  “My dad’s not here anymore, and… Christian, this whole thing is crazy. How old were we? How long were we even together?”

  “Not long,” he admits. “And I know we were young, but we remained friends right up until your accident. Then you cut me out of your life, along with everyone else.”

  “Exactly. I cut you out of my life for a very good reason.”

  “And what reason was that?”

  “I wanted a fresh start. I didn’t want people comparing me to the person I used to be.” Which is what Christian was doing the whole time, I realize. No wonder he always made me feel not good enough, and less than, and stupid. Compared to the person I used to be, I’m all those things. “Everything I said to you over the phone still stands. You’d be better off with someone else. Now I’d appreciate if you leave.”

  “Tori, we had everything planned out.”

  How old could we have possibly been when we made these supposed plans? “That’s insane.”

  “What’s insane about it? We were perfect for each other.”

  I climb unsteadily to my feet. “Christian, if you don’t leave, I’m calling the police.”

  He smirks, and he’s probably thinking the exact same thing as me. How long would it even take me to dial the number? Reaching down, I tug off my remaining boot, and shake it at him menacingly. He holds his hands out. “I’m leaving, but I’ll be in town with my family for a while. We need to sit down and talk soon.”

  “We don’t have anything left to talk about.”

  Christian takes a pointed look all around, then fixes his eyes back on me. “There’s more left to discuss than you realize.”

  ***

  I’m still sitting in that exact same spot, holding one boot, and staring at the other, when Maggie pokes her head out the back screen door. “Was that Chris I just saw leaving?”

  Chris. I have plenty of memories of someone named Chris scribbled up in my notebooks. God, I really am dumb. Chris. Christian. Whatever name he chooses to go by, just thinking about how he deceived me has my blood boiling.

  “Did you know?” I snap at Maggie.

  “Know what?”

  “That Christian was Chris. That he grew up here too. Why didn’t someone tell me?”

  “I figured you knew,” she says cautiously. “Tori, what’s wrong?”

  I suck in a long breath and try to calm down. It’s not like Maggie and I were close up until recently. I almost never visited home, and we didn’t sit around talking on the phone. This isn’t her fault.

  “Nothing’s wrong.” I stagger up to my feet, and snatch up my discarded boot from the ground, then dump both by the door before continuing inside.

  I march upstairs, and stomp to my room. I snatch up those notebooks from their spot in my closet, and flick through the pages. Chris. Chris. Chris. He’s in here plenty, but there’s no mention of him being my boyfriend. We were friends. We were on student council together, and the debate team. I was valedictorian of our graduating class, and he was salutatorian. I wrote about us practicing our speeches together. We took a trip to the state capital with a group to compete in something called Mathletes. What the hell is a mathlete? Whatever it is, I guess I was one, and so was Chris.

  I’m so tired of trying to figure out who I was, and who I am. Reconciling the two is impossible, and I’m plain sick of it.

  Crying wildly, I sit in the middle of my bedroom floor, and rip the pages out of those notebooks violently. I shred each sheet like confetti.

  There’s a sane part of me remaining that realizes I really am being ridiculous, emotional, and irrational, just like Christian always accused. Destroying these bits of my past isn’t going to do a thing to fix my life in the present.

  By the time I’m finished, my room is a disaster, and I feel like a petulant child. Scrambling around on hands and knees, I quickly clean up the evidence of my meltdown and rush to get changed. Abby is going to be here any minute with her daughter.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Tori

  Abby’s five year old daughter is named Riley. She has her mother’s red hair, blue eyes, and freckles, and Brandon is thrilled to show her around the farm. She seems especially taken with the newest calf that my brother named Nidorina, which I’m pretty sure is another Pokemon.

  “This place is exactly the same,” Abby comments, as we round back towards the house. “Well, not exactly. I guess that greenhouse is new.”

  “You came here before?”

  She nods and smiles. “Sorry. Is it weird? Should I not mention stuff like that?”

  I shake my head quickly, although it is a bit weird. “It’s okay.”

  Inside we get changed into bathing suits. Back outside, beneath the shade of the back porch, Abby carefully applies copious amounts of sunscreen to her daughter, and I ask the children if they’d like to ride in the wagon out to the larger of the two ponds. Of course they say yes, and Abby sits on the small bench seat in the back with them while I steer us along the rutted, dirt path.

  “I don’t know if she’s ever gonna want to leave,” Abby says as the kids run ahead towards the dock that juts out from the muddy shore.

  “Can she swim?” I ask, watching Riley fling herself into the water.

  “Like a fish,” Abby assures me.

  By the time we’re settling ourselves at the end of the dock to let our feet dangle in the water, Brandon and Riley happily paddle around each other. They’re batting around an inflated beach ball that got left behind the last time I took my brother down here for a dip.

  “We took her to a place kind of like this last year, but it had a little petting zoo and pumpkin patch set up. By the way she acted, you’d think we were at Disney World.”

  I laugh. “That sounds fun.”

  Abby’s face grows animated. “We had to drive like an hour away to get there, and it was crazy busy. There’s no other places like that around these parts. You could do something like that here.”

  “Maybe,” I say with a small shrug. With just Maggie and me to handle everything, we’re already overwhelmed. I’m not sure how we could manage anything else at the moment. “So are you married?” I ask.

  Abby nods. “Almost seven years. I married Luke, who I guess you don’t remember.”

  “He went to high school with us?”

  “Uh huh.” Abby smiles warmly down at the gold band on her finger. “We’ve been together since we were sixteen, so going on ten years.”

  “Congratulations.”

  “We started dating around the same time as you and Noah, but I guess you don’t remember him either.”

  “I… uh. A little. We’ve actually been seeing each other again, sort of.”

  Abby lets out
a loud squeal that dissolves into a long, tinkling laugh. “You two were so in love.”

  “Were we?”

  She nods enthusiastically. “You were crazy for each other. I can’t believe you forgot about Noah.”

  All I can do is shrug. It’s not like I have a choice in what I can remember. “It seems like we were so different.”

  “You were,” she agrees. “But opposites attract right?”

  “That’s what they say anyway.” I force a smile, and clear my throat quietly. “Do you remember Christian… er, Chris, I guess?”

  “Yeah, you two were buds.”

  “And we dated?”

  Abby scrunches up her face. “For a little while, our freshman year.” She starts to laugh again. “He always followed you around like a little lost puppy dog. It was kind of pathetic. Rachel hated it.”

  “Rachel was my friend. She was my best friend, right?” I ask. I’m pretty sure the Rachel I wrote about is the same one I remember from middle school, but it’s hard to say for sure.

  Nibbling on her thumbnail, Abby looks out towards the kids playing along the edge of the pond. “Yeah, but you two sort of had a falling out over Chris, after they were together for a while.”

  “They were dating?”

  Abby nods.

  My stomach pretzels. “Did I… I didn’t do something, did I?”

  “No. No, you only had eyes for Noah, but I guess Chris still had a little crush on you, and Rachel was… you know. Jealous? It was all a bit complicated.”

  “It sounds like a soap opera.”

  Abby lets out a loud, throaty laugh. “Well, it was high school.”

  Yeah, it was, but I only have movies and TV to go off of. Those years are a huge gaping hole. My first hand experience of high school is a complete mystery. “What’s Rachel doing now?”

  “She’s a photojournalist. She travels all over the world the last I heard.”

  “Wow.”

  “And Chris is some fancy pants business guy, just like his dad.”

  I turn my head and roll my eyes. The recent revelation about Christian is still too fresh and raw to speak out loud. The whole thing makes me feel like an imbecile.