Ivory

by Hadley Quinn

  I turned around to find her in the doorway, leaning against the frame with her arms crossed over her chest. Obviously Ben had said something to her, but I hoped he hadn’t sent her in to change my mind.

  “Tidal?” I asked for clarification, even though I didn’t need to. “I’ve bent over backwards for them before; I don’t need to again.”

  She entered the room a bit further but I met her halfway. “So…you just wanted to show ‘em who’s boss?” she partially smiled.

  Shaking my head, I answered, “No, I have a milkshake date with a beautiful woman. There’s no way I would pass that up.”

  “Jude, that can wait if you want to have an inter—”

  “No, it can’t wait,” I interrupted. “Are you ready to go?”

  She eyed me for a few seconds before nodding. “Yes, always ready for you.”

  I took her hand and led her to meet Luke at the back door. These days I couldn’t exactly sit inside Hillman’s without it being known, so now I had a tab I kept with the café and they’d have it ready to go when we pulled up. Ree never seemed to mind. In fact, she claimed it was more fun that way, especially when Luke drove us because she liked to mess with him big time.

  “Mmm, that feels sooooo good in my throat, Jude,” she moaned while in the back seat with me. She was actually drinking her red velvet milkshake, but I heard Luke scoff from the driver’s seat.

  “Can you give me a break?” he complained. “Please?”

  I was amused, and generally I would stay out of their banter but I couldn’t help adding, “I love it when you put your cold, wet tongue—”

  “Shut the fuck up,” Luke growled as he drove. Instead of hanging a left for The Urchin, he kept driving. “I’m dumping your asses off at your apartment.”

  Ree and I just looked at each other. It hadn’t been the plan, but I wasn’t going to object.

  And neither did she.

  22

  Just give me a general date, man,” Aaron groaned. He sighed as he put his hands behind his head and leaned back against my couch.

  “Fine, January 15th—”

  He looked extremely pleased.

  “—Of next year,” I added.

  “Come on, Jude,” he sighed.

  I leaned forward onto my knees from where I sat across from him. “You know I don’t need you, right?”

  He gave me another frustrated sigh.

  “I’m just saying, Aaron, either work with me my way or not at all. Maybe I’m not the right client for you anymore. You consider that yet?”

  “Every fucking day.”

  I smiled but added a shrug. “Then let’s part ways, my friend. No hard feelings. Go represent someone who needs you more than I do. You’re a great manager, no doubt, and I appreciate that you’ve held out for me but…maybe it’s been long enough. You definitely get my recommendation if you need it.”

  He shook his head. “I don’t.”

  I knew that would be his answer, and I knew he didn’t need me either. I meant it more that I would have his back if he ever required it. “I’m saying I’m on your side, Aaron.”

  “I know. And I’m on yours. Whatever side that is.”

  I studied him for a few seconds. This guy had been with me since my band’s second album. He’d been there every step of the way for four more albums, and also when my life fell apart four years ago. I really didn’t want to break off our business friendship, but I didn’t want to hold him back.

  “I want small time,” I finally shrugged. “I don’t want the big shows, man. I don’t want the hectic schedules and the demands.”

  “You handle pressure better than anyone I know.”

  “Maybe you only see that on the outside. Or…maybe I do handle it well but don’t want to anymore.”

  He frowned instead of responding verbally. He knew every bit of media nightmare I’d gone through in the past few years, and probably heard more garbage said about me than even I had.

  “I’m proud of you, Jude,” he ultimately replied. “I really am. I thought I knew what was best for you, I guess. I felt like you were wasting your talent, wasting what you built for yourself all these years. I didn’t want you to throw it all away.”

  I truly believed he meant that. It was why he pushed me, but never too far. “What I built collapsed in a matter of seconds four years ago. I’ve had to rebuild, Aaron. I’m still rebuilding.”

  He slowly nodded while pressing his fingertips together in thought. “Yeah, I’m beginning to see that.” He stood from the couch as he exhaled. “I’m sure that has something to do with the mysterious woman that James Donaldson wrote about recently?”

  I couldn’t help but smile. “Everything to do with that.”

  He returned the smile as he headed for the door to let himself out. “Let me know if I can help with anything, Jude.”

  “Sure thing. Thanks for everything, Aaron.”

  He only nodded as he shut the door behind him.

  I sat alone with my thoughts for a few seconds until I heard a sound from the hall. Ree had come from my bedroom and sat down on the couch next to me. She’d been spending more and more time at my apartment, and since Aaron had come a bit earlier than expected so he could catch another flight, I’d just left her asleep in my room.

  “Sorry if we woke you,” I told her. I pulled her legs across my lap so I could feel her bare skin.

  She adjusted her sleep shorts to be modest, just in case Wes came out of his room unexpectedly. “I was awake when you got out of bed.” That’s all she said as her eyes looked past me toward the door. She seemed contemplative, so I waited for her to add more. When she didn’t, I followed her eyes and realized she was staring at the framed photo on the wall of Lily and Annalise. It was the only photo I had of Lily on my walls, and it hung there out of respect.

  “They were both so gorgeous,” Ree finally said.

  I didn’t know what to say other than to agree. Lily was blonde, blue-eyed, and had the perfect smile. She’d been a cheerleader all through high school and college, and despite the basic stereotype, was very intelligent. She studied business at Columbia, which eventually landed her a job as an assistant in my father’s public relations team in New York. Her heart was never really set on the business world—that had been her father’s influence—so when we started dating, she expressed interest in planting roots in Illinois since that was where her mom was.

  It all seemed to work out so easily.

  “Did you and your wife have a good relationship?” Ree asked. She seemed hesitant with the inquiry, but I was willing to answer whatever she wanted to know.

  “For the most part,” I nodded. “We dated for about five months before we got married. Annalise was born seven months later,” I added with a telling smile.

  Ree raised her eyebrows with understanding. “Did that have anything to do with you two getting married?”

  “Well…yes and no. I didn’t think I married her just for that reason. I don’t know. It’s hard to say.”

  “So you loved her?”

  I didn’t have to think about an answer, just how I wanted to word it. “I loved a lot of things about her. We had our ups and downs, though. Especially after Anna was born. Lily had post-partum depression, and even though I was home for the entire first year, I guess it wasn’t enough. After I recorded album number four with my band, obviously a tour was expected of us. Lily had made arrangements to meet me in a few different cities throughout the tour, but toward the end, she started canceling every other time. It got to be too much for her.”

  “Do you resent her for that?” Ree asked.

  It was a question that took me by surprise, to be truthful. But I thought it over for a few seconds, trying to feel an honest answer. “Yeah, it bothered me. I just wanted to see my little girl, and it wasn’t four cities in one week for them like it was for me. It was just twice a month. But when the tour was over, I had six months straight to be home with my family. I wrote and produced another album with the
band shortly after that, and then was set to tour again for the next year.”

  “And she didn’t want you to go?”

  I wasn’t sure where the questions were coming from but I answered, “She never said anything until the night, uh, the night she died. I didn’t realize there was a problem. During the first tour of our marriage, she told me it wore her out after having a baby. She never said anything about being opposed to me traveling. I think it was because while we were dating, I had a very candid talk with her about my lifestyle, and I asked her repeatedly if it was something she could seriously handle. She promised me right and left that we could make it work. We never expected Anna, but Lily insisted it would work. I think she’d been set on following through with that promise to me, but it ended up not being one she could keep.”

  I almost felt like Ree was asking me these questions to get to a more important point, but maybe she was just curious. I could understand that, especially if the roles were reversed and she had been married and lost her husband and child. It was only natural to get all of those thoughts and feelings out in the open.

  I took her hand in mine and specifically asked, “Is there a particular reason you want to know these things?”

  She pursed her lips, glanced at the photo again, and then looked at me. “I heard your conversation with Aaron. I wasn’t eavesdropping, I could just hear you guys from the bedroom.”

  I shrugged. I couldn’t think of any reason why it mattered. There was nothing I said to Aaron that needed to be kept from her. “And?”

  She took a deep breath and slowly released it. “You said something about…rebuilding…and a mystery woman…”

  “Yes, I meant you,” I smiled.

  She smiled too but it looked strained.

  “What’s going on, Ree?”

  “Nothing,” she shook her head. “I just…I just want to know where we stand, I guess. I don’t want to be presumptuous and I don’t want to be aloof… I just want to know.”

  Understandable. I was in the same boat in regards to her.

  “Am I just a stepping stone, Jude?” she asked.

  The question took me completely by surprise. I was still as a statue at first, stunned by the accusation, but once the thought settled, I shook my head. “No, not at all. Is that how you feel?”

  With a sigh, she slightly shook her head but answered, “I don’t know. I’m worried that that’s the case, but I don’t necessarily feel that from you. I’m just concerned for your situation, but at the same time, I don’t want to get burned too.”

  “You’re worried I’m not over my wife?” I asked flat out.

  She bobbed her head tentatively. “Maybe.”

  I wasn’t sure how to explain my life with Lily. I felt like my marital issues with her at the beginning were normal and completely typical of couples in our position. But I also didn’t want to sound completely callous if I told Ree the honest-to-God truth. I didn’t want to cast a negative light on my relationship with Lily, and ultimately Anna’s existence, too.

  I needed to be careful with what I shared because Ivory Miller was giving me some questionable vibes right now.

  “I loved Lily, yes,” I told Ree. “But I wasn’t in love with her when we got married. I believe my love grew for her with Anna’s birth, but I never felt that deep love that I feel should be felt between two people.”

  Ree slowly nodded her head. “So you were in a relationship that was just kind of…set in your lap?”

  Putting it that way sounded awful, and even though my dad had said something similar to that, I didn’t like to think of it that way.

  “I think everything happens for a reason,” I responded. “But I made a choice and I don’t regret it. I felt it was the right thing to do.”

  “You felt like your love for Lily would gradually get better? Was that what you hoped for? Were you trying for that? Did you want to be with her?”

  God, these particular questions… These were things I’d asked myself a dozen times over the years. I knew the answers without a doubt, but I was afraid that explaining myself wouldn’t come across the right way.

  “I believe in making things work, yes,” I nodded.

  “Because of Annalise.”

  I didn’t answer, so Ree took that as a yes.

  “So you felt obligated to be with Lily?” she asked. “Was it because of the media? Your position as a public figure? You didn’t want to make waves for everyone to see?”

  “It was a delicate situation,” I answered.

  “Delicate? Like…what do you mean, Jude? You didn’t want people to know you married her because you got her pregnant?”

  I had no idea why she was getting so heated about my past. It in no way reflected who I was now. Did it? Was she judging me based on my decisions years ago?

  “I’m trying to understand why you’re so upset,” I said. “Can you help me understand?”

  With a heavy sigh, Ree stood from the couch. “I’m not upset. I’m just trying to find my place with you.”

  “What exactly do you mean? You don’t have to try. You’re already in my life, okay? I don’t know what else to say about that. I mean… I care about you and… I love—love being with you.”

  I faltered. I know I did. But I wasn’t ready to start talking about loving Ree. I couldn’t right now. She still had me upside down and inside out. I wasn’t ready to expose my vulnerabilities to her when I wasn’t sure how committed she was to whatever it was we had.

  She seemed to know I was holding back but I wasn’t sure what to say. If she was disappointed in me, it was nothing I could fix. I couldn’t help where I’d come from and my state of mind when it came to another relationship.

  But I did love Ree. I knew that I did. I just wasn’t ready to tell her that to her face.

  “I do have to try, Jude,” she told me, her face drawn with sadness and disenchantment.

  I hated seeing that. Fucking. Hated. It. But I also felt like I was being accused of doing something wrong and I didn’t like being put in that position.

  “What exactly is your issue, Ree? Come on, just spit it out, okay? I can’t read your mind. Hell, I can’t even comprehend half the things you’re saying right now.”

  She gave me a look that said you’re a dumbass. Okay, maybe that’s not what it said, but she was still disappointed in me for some reason and if felt just as awful.

  Maybe I was a dumbass.

  I took a deep breath and counted to five as I let it out.

  “Remember our talk about having patience with one another?” I asked softly.

  I didn’t want to fight with her, but I did want to know what the hell was going on right now. I guess it’s true that most guys are fucking clueless and have no idea when there’s a problem. I didn’t want to be that majority right now; I wanted to be the exception this time. I thought I was caring and thoughtful with Lily back then, but I apparently didn’t have a damn clue what was going on with her. Either that, or I’d been avoiding the truth for far too long.

  “You need to talk to me, Ree,” I whispered. “I can’t read your thoughts. I need for you to be open with me, sweetheart. Please. I need that.”

  “You need to take your own advice and do the same,” she countered evenly, slowly nodding her head. “Because here’s the deal, Jude. Straight up, no bullshit, okay?”

  I nodded. “Okay. Give it to me.”

  She shrugged. “You want me to be open? I love you. I truly do. And there’s not a single doubt in my mind.”

  23

  Well that was unexpected, and even though it gave me some insight, I was still confused as to why she was acting so standoff-ish right now. My chest felt tight, but in a good way. Hearing those words meant the world to me and my heart was full. However, the look on her face still seemed to be asking me for answers.

  “I’m not in love with Lily,” I felt obligated to clear up. “Or the idea of her, even. I miss things about her, and I feel horrible for what happened and the terms we we
re on when it did, and I will never in my fucking life get images of that night out of my head… but most of all I feel guilty. I let them down, especially my little girl, and that’s what I hate myself for, okay? I’m still working on it, Ree. It’s not something that I’m just going to be magically okay with one day.”

  “I know that,” she whispered, closing the distance between us.

  She wrapped her arms around me and held me tight. I have to admit it felt amazing. And after hearing that she loved me, I felt some of her support mend me a little bit and I was leaning toward opening up to her more. But…

  “I do love you, Jude,” she sighed. “But I was first in love with you two years ago. Do you understand what I mean?” She pulled back to study me, her green eyes shimmering with moisture against her tan face. “I fell in love with your music,” she barely whispered. “How am I supposed to separate that from what we have now?”

  I felt a physical blow from that bit of honesty, and it took me a few seconds to come up with a response. She had stepped back a bit and was now holding my hands between us, waiting for me to say something. How do you respond to something like that? She was in love with my music but not me as a person? How the fuck did that make sense? My music was me. Everything about my life was in my music. My blood, guts and sweat were in my music. My heart and soul had purged every ounce of life experience that I had for my music.

  “Why the fuck would you have to separate that?” I blurted out. “Why is there a difference? My music is me. All of it!”

  She nodded, and I was surprised to see tears stream down her face. After swallowing, she looked at me and said, “If that’s really true, then that’s what scares the shit out of me, Jude.”

  I guess Wes had to wake up eventually, and right then was the moment he chose to make an appearance. He kind of glanced from one of us to the other as he headed for the kitchen in his underwear, waving us off to just ignore him.

  We stood there in silence until he grabbed a banana and a granola bar, and then headed back to his room. I knew the guy couldn’t hold off on eating when he was hungry and wondered how long he’d been in his room waiting for us to leave.