Ivory

by Hadley Quinn

  “Can we go back to my room to finish this?” I asked Ree.

  She nodded and immediately headed that way. As I passed my piano, I paused in contemplation. I seriously felt my father’s presence at that moment, and whether people believed in that sort of thing or not, I did. My entire body felt warm, like it was being enveloped with his love and support from all over.

  I set my hands on the keys and lingered for a few seconds. My little girl’s voice echoed in my head instantly, “Play, Daddy, play me a song!” The love in my heart swelled so much that I placed my hand over my chest like I needed to hold it inside. I never felt that Anna begrudged me my time away. She always told me how much she loved me; she was literally the muse behind all my music back then.

  I’m not sure how long I’d been standing at the piano, but when I joined Ree in the bedroom, she was sitting on the bed waiting for me. I felt confused and still at a loss for words… I didn’t know what direction I needed to go with this conversation. But the bottom line was that I knew in my heart that this was something worth fighting for. I needed to be honest with her but it was hard for me. I didn’t want it to backfire.

  I felt that warm feeling wash over me again and I had my answer. If my father weren’t already dead, I joked with myself that I might want to kill him right about now. This was the hardest thing for me to do and I was seriously taking a leap of faith because of him.

  “There is nothing fictitious about my music, despite what you may have heard,” I began.

  I knew that many “experts” had picked apart my lyrics and decidedly come up with all kinds of theories about the meaning behind them. In interviews, I was asked their significance all the time. Sometimes I was a bit evasive about anything personal or in-depth, but I would always share the general concept.

  However, I never had bared my soul about my solo album yet. That was an entirely different part of my life and I kept it all to myself, allowing listeners to interpret my songs however they wanted. Music was beautiful that way. When you can share one thing as a human race but apply it to your unique situation so many different ways?

  Our emotions were an incredible driving force.

  “I don’t care what people have said about your music, Jude,” she answered quietly. “I love your words and I cherish them in here,” she patted her chest. “How I relate to them is different from the next person.”

  I nodded in agreement.

  “I never meant to insult your work,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry. I only meant that…I’m trying to wrap my head around some of this, you know?”

  “Maybe if you helped me understand…”

  She placed her hand on the bed, instructing me to sit. I did and waited for her to continue.

  “Do you want to know what song I was listening to when I decided my life was not going the direction I wanted it to go?”

  Yes, I had always wanted to know that but never pressed the issue in case it was too personal.

  I only nodded.

  “ ‘Angel At My Door,” she answered.

  I felt a tug at my heart automatically.

  “That song wasn’t about your wife, was it,” she stated.

  Very slowly, I confirmed with a shake of my head. Most people thought that song was about Lily, so I was a bit surprised. It was the last song I added to the record, like a last minute half court shot to win the game. It turned out to be my favorite song on that album and I played it at every performance.

  “It was actually written after your dad died, wasn’t it?” she asked.

  “Yes,” I answered. “I’d been working on that album for six months, still trying to decide if I wanted to produce it or not. Aaron was a bit disappointed it was so…melancholy…but after my dad died, I felt compelled to write ‘Angel At My Door’ and drop it in the album on the day we recorded.”

  “I always felt that song was about your dad,” she spoke almost reverently. “It made me think of my dad. He’d done so much for me in my life and I barely realized it. And that night, after they took Livvy away and I was left alone… God, I felt so damn alone… I was having really bad thoughts about my life and who I was, what I was doing… Then that song came on the TV. I don’t know why it caught my attention, but I listened to it. And I guess since I was thinking about my dad being there for me no matter what…I kind of adopted that song for myself.”

  Hearing people reference your music while taking you through their own personal struggle was one of the most powerful things you can experience.

  “I loved you for that, Jude,” she whispered as she tried not to cry. But the tears came again anyway and she let them flow. “I loved you for giving me that; for giving me the strength to recognize what I needed in my life, what I needed to do.”

  “That was all you, Ree. You did that, babe. It was time and you knew it.”

  “But your words stirred me to action. Without a doubt, I understood every lyric in that song like it was…like it was meant for me. I know many people can feel that from music, but it saved my life, Jude. You saved my life and I love you for that.”

  I leaned forward onto my knees, allowing the moment to envelope my soul and tutor me with whatever was necessary. It was how I wrote my music. I just let it happen and allowed it to pour from every corner of my heart and soul. I was trying to understand why she regarded me as something separate from my music, though. What made her think she couldn’t feel the same way about me in person?

  “So how is it that you view me and my music as two different things?” I asked.

  She didn’t answer right away, but she took my hand in hers and held it against her chest like she treasured just the idea of being able to hold me. I could feel that from her without a doubt, and it ripped through all of my defenses and knocked them to the ground.

  “I feel like I’m living a dream,” she whispered. “I feel like my hero has rescued me in the flesh, not just figuratively or through his music. This is real life and I’m right in the middle of it. It’s hard for me because… I got to know you in person and found out that you’re not only everything I needed you to be, but so much more. I was scared to believe that because… I don’t want to lose you, Jude. I can’t even…I can’t even understand how I’m able to admit that to you. All of my reservations… I just can’t have them anymore.”

  Finally she’d given me something solid I could work with and I completely understood. Her risks, my risks…they may be different, but the fact that we were both taking them actually put us on equal ground.

  “There’s one more thing,” she added quietly. “It has to do with…with other people, fans, feeling the same way about you. Because it’s true, Jude. Do you know how many women have you in their thoughts and dreams; how many wish they could be with you—”

  I cut her off with my hand in the air. “No, that’s not fair. I can’t be responsible for every person that wishes they were close to me. It’s not possible. People see what they want to see when it comes to celebrities, but it doesn’t mean there’s automatic compatibility. It needs to be mutual. I have no interest in any of those people. Yes I appreciate and respect them for their support, but they haven’t entered my life with a significant purpose. Not like you have,” I emphasized.

  She bowed her head slightly. “I’m definitely not going to downplay how awesome I am—”

  I saw her trying to bite back a smile and it made me laugh.

  “—But I’m just laying it all out there. I literally was one of those people, Jude, but it was your music I fell in love with, not this,” she waved her hand to indicate me as a physical person. “What I mean is, having met you and everything and-and this,” she waved her hands at me again, “being completely sexy and irresistible like that…”

  Pretty sure my ego grew a few feet with that one and it was hard not to smile again.

  “I am a bit anxious about it all,” she sighed.

  “So am I,” I admitted. “So much, it’s hard to open up to you sometimes because I don’t want to b
e the fool.”

  She blinked a few times. “You really feel that way?”

  “That I could make a fool of myself? Hell yeah.”

  With a chuckle, she shook her head. “Hmm, I guess I was only concerned with respecting your reservations about moving on. I didn’t want to push you into something you weren’t ready for.”

  “It’s not that. It’s just…just the idea of being susceptible to…deception.”

  She slowly nodded her understanding. “You don’t trust me.”

  “Didn’t at first, but that’s just basic caution,” I corrected.

  “I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you, Jude. I swear on everything holy. I am a vault, you can trust in that.”

  She’d never given me reason to not trust her—it really wasn’t anything personal—but venturing through new territory with someone was automatic grounds for caution. And I’d been burned before, which was why I was trying to take things slow.

  I stood and pulled Ree up to stand with me. I wrapped my arms around her and held her close, and she returned the embrace. I think we’d hashed out a lot of the veiled concerns between the two of us.

  “Verbal contract will do,” I kissed the side of her head. “I won’t make you sign my secrets in your blood.” She laughed and squeezed me tighter, and just like that, I felt liberated from a heap of doubt.

  I didn’t fail to realize that I hadn’t told her how much I loved her in return.

  24

  It didn’t take long before tabloids took my “new relationship” and ran with it. I expected it, and I’d warned Ree in advanced, to which she said, “They can write whatever the hell they want.”

  I was glad to hear that from her, but the past seemed to remind me that it was always one thing to say and another thing to actually deal with it. Lily didn’t mind the intrusive media at the beginning, but it didn’t take long before the gossip got to her. She never got upset over general news about she and I—like what city we were in or an event we were at together—but if it was an insult about her, like something she was wearing or supposedly did or said, she had a difficult time with it. I didn’t doubt Ree’s ability to shake off some of the stupid rumors—she had quite the backbone—but I worried that something might hurt her sooner or later.

  “Ivory Miller.”

  Her name brought me back to reality, particularly the male voice that had spoken it. We’d been sitting at a back table at The Urchin¸ just the two of us. It was a Wednesday afternoon, not very busy, and it was rare that we were actually out in the restaurant eating together.

  I looked over this guy that had approached the table—slim, tattooed, rough-appearing yet somewhat good looking I suppose—and even though Luke had been nearby and put himself between us, the man didn’t seem to be interested in me at all.

  Ree seemed to know who he was, though. She paused as she looked up at him from where she sat, but I couldn’t read the expression on her face.

  “Do you want Luke to send him away?” I asked quietly as I pushed my near-empty plate away from me.

  She glanced at me, paused again, and then shook her head. “Um, no, but… I should go talk to him. Excuse me for a minute.”

  She moved past Luke and motioned for the other guy to follow her.

  I didn’t like it. There was something strange about the whole thing and I was getting an uncomfortable vibe. One subtle glance at Luke was all it took and he went into stealth mode to investigate.

  From where I sat, I could see that Ree had led this guy over to the bar. She sat next to him on a stool and they went straight into conversation.

  “Excuse me, um…?”

  I glanced up at a woman that was possibly in her early twenties. She was smiling, and since I was now alone, I knew I was an easy target for fans. I didn’t mind signing autographs in public, but when I was trying to spend time with friends or business associates, Luke never let anyone bother me.

  “Hello,” I greeted. “What can I do for you?”

  “Could I get a picture with you?” she asked.

  Nodding, I stood so we could get into “selfie mode.” She snapped the photo, told me thank you, and just left without another word. Fans were all different. Some were too afraid to talk to me, but others would stand there and share their life story if they could.

  Like the next guy that approached me. And since I was still by myself in the back corner of the restaurant, there became a bit of a line for people to approach me. I didn’t mind, but I was trying to see what the hell that guy with Ree was up to. In between meet ‘n’ greets and photos, I could only see them periodically.

  Right now the guy looked upset, and it was all I could do to keep smiling for photos and hellos with the customers that wanted to meet me. A couple of times a week this happened—never when I was with Ree because I wouldn’t allow it—but whenever I chose to walk through the restaurant to make myself accessible. I felt it was the major appeal to the place; I much preferred a personable atmosphere like this rather than a mobbing after a huge arena show.

  Finally the guy left the bar and I saw Luke subtly follow him out. I knew he was going to follow where he went or see what car he got in, and gather whatever information he could from there. I couldn’t wait to hear the details on this dude, but for the time being, I needed to escape my crowd to find Ree. She was nowhere to be seen and I became worried. I even looked through the office and the private lounge, and still couldn’t find her.

  As I was passing the kitchen, she finally came out of the employee restroom and bumped right into me. She looked rattled, and it even seemed like she’d been crying. I didn’t say a word and just slid my arm around her, leading her out the back to my SUV. We’d made a few changes to the back lot of the parking structure and I could now get in and out of my vehicle without anyone having access to it.

  When we were in the car, I only asked if she was okay. She was still carefully wiping at her eyes to check for mascara smudges, but she nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine,” she answered softly.

  I wasn’t going to press, but there were two thoughts going through my head. The first was that someone had made her upset and I wanted to know why, and the second was that someone had made her upset and I needed to know if damage control was necessary because of my career.

  Yes, that was always a side concern. Even though I couldn’t control every bit of negative publicity, I would try for the sake of the people I loved. If something was going on in Ree’s life, I wanted to protect her from the media if I could.

  “That was Alex,” she told me. “He’s Livvy’s brother.”

  I nodded, remembering her roommate that had died from an overdose. “And what did he want?”

  She sighed, and because of the look on her face along with her hesitation, I could only assume that he was a junkie that wanted something from Ree and it worried me instantly.

  “He, um, well…” She paused before she turned to look at me. “He wants money. Well, he said I owe him money.”

  “And do you?”

  She bit her lower lip. “Yes, I guess I might. But…the circumstances are…”

  “They’re what, Ree? Just tell me, okay? I want to help you out.”

  “No,” she shook her head. “I don’t want your help, Jude. I can handle this—”

  “How much?”

  “You’re not getting involved in this,” she growled at me.

  “Too bad, I am involved because you and I are involved,” I motioned between us. “What you go through I go through. It’s as simple as that. Now tell me what’s going on, please.”

  “I knew this was a bad idea,” she whispered, glancing away from me.

  “What was a bad idea?”

  She sighed. “You and me. I don’t want this, Jude,” she rubbed her hands over her face. “I’m a former coke addict, remember? Do you really want that hanging over your career? I can’t do this to you. I love you too much.”

  I had to pause because of those words. She could say them to me fre
ely but I’d yet to cross that bridge. I knew it hurt her, and I could only imagine how I would feel if the tables were turned. There were just a few more steps I needed to take first, and there was no way I was going to rush it.

  “I don’t really care about what happened in the past, Ivory. I care that you got through it and you’re here now. With me. That’s what I care about. I’m proud of you for overcoming that and I will stand by your side no matter what people say about it. Am I making myself clear? How much does he want?”

  She looked at me with tears in her eyes. “Five hundred bucks. He requested a grand but we settled on half. It’s just a guess; I don’t know how much his shit was worth.”

  “What do you mean? Drugs?”

  “No,” she shook her head and then sighed. “A few weeks after Liv died, Alex suddenly cared about some of the stuff he’d left in our apartment. He lived there too but was rarely around. He’d been MIA for a while so I didn’t think I’d ever see him again. I got rid of everything in that apartment when I moved back with my dad. I just wanted to start over.”

  “You sold his stuff?”

  “No, just gave it away to a women’s shelter and thrift shops. I’m meeting up with him tomorrow, I’ll give him what he thinks he’s owed, and that’s that.”

  “Why did he look upset when you guys were talking?”

  She gave me a curious look.

  “Yes I was watching,” I shrugged. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

  Shaking her head, she answered, “I told him I was hesitant to give him the money because I knew what he was going to spend it on.”

  I slowly nodded. “So he’s a cokehead.”

  “Unfortunately, yes.”

  “You’re not responsible for someone else’s choices.”

  “No, but I want to help him. I offered to pay for him to go to rehab,” she said quietly.

  I was surprised to hear that at first, but after a few seconds of mulling it over, I felt it was typical of Ree. She was very pro-recovery since her own rehab. I knew she volunteered at drug counseling facilities, even though she’d never told me that herself.