Angel Without

by Rhiannon Ayers

  “Help me understand,” she whispered hoarsely. Her gorgeous blue eyes had darkened even more as she looked up at him through her lashes, making them almost purple. He used his thumb to trace her cheek, her lower lip, as he continued his sensual explanation.

  “The submissive’s needs transcend all else,” he said again. “That means a Dom does nothing, nothing, without knowing for absolute certain it is what the sub actually wants. A Dom doesn’t whip a sub because the Dom likes pain, or wants to hurt the sub physically, he does it because the sub needs the pain to find release, to let go. It isn’t done for the Dom’s benefit, it’s done for the sub. A man who whips a woman because he likes hurting her isn’t a Dom—he’s a sadist, pure and simple. And any man calling himself a Dom who went into a club like the one where I met Sidri and Tatum would quickly find himself kicked out, if not outright arrested, for displaying such behavior in that environment. It goes against everything we are, period. No exceptions.”

  He rubbed the back of her hand while she thought about his explanation. “I guess that makes sense…for pain,” she said after a pause. “But what about…restraints? Why would you tie someone up unless you wanted to have more control over them?”

  He immediately sobered. If he didn’t explain this right, if he bumbled through it and confused her, he’d only end up convincing her he didn’t understand his own beliefs. Worse, what he was about to try and explain was actually part of her nature, not his. He knew what he knew because of experience dealing with subs, and because of Sidri and Tatum being so thorough in his education. That said, because he was a Dom and not a sub, he couldn’t personally understand what it truly meant to be submissive. He was nothing more than a walking, talking dictionary, about to give a clinical definition to someone who needed the emotional understanding to comprehend it.

  No pressure.

  Maddox licked his bottom lip as he gathered his thoughts. “First and foremost, you need to remember—to accept—that a true Dom does nothing without knowing it’s what the sub wants. So if being restrained wasn’t something you wanted for yourself, no true Dom would ever make you go through it. Please, angel, trust me on this, okay?”

  She gave him a halting nod, eyes still wary. Aching for her, Maddox cleared his throat and went on.

  “That said, you are right about there being an exchange of power—but it’s the other way around. The Dom doesn’t tie the sub up so he can have more power over her. He does it so the sub knows he’s in control.”

  “How is that different?”

  “Semantics,” he said with a tiny grin. She rolled her eyes, making him laugh. “I’m serious. You say the Dom restrains a sub because he wants control, which is true on the surface. But he doesn’t want control for himself—he wants it because his sub needs him to be in control in order to find release. By both definitions, the Dom is in control. But the underlying meaning, the part that actually matters to someone like you or me, is that the sub is the one choosing to be restrained, because that sub wants to give control to her Dom. If she didn’t, then she wouldn’t be submissive.”

  Amber smoothed the hair behind her ear with her free hand and regarded him thoughtfully. “So, what you’re saying is, I’m looking at it from the angle of it being a bad thing—the Dom wants control for himself, to feel powerful. But in reality, in a true D/s situation, it’s actually the sub who made the original decision, who chose to be restrained in order to hand control to her Dom.”

  He beamed. “Exactly. Does that make sense? Can you see the difference?”

  She nodded slowly. “Mostly. But…why would a sub want to be restrained at all?”

  “Remember what I just said, about a submissive’s nature being tied to physical motion? How a sub can’t be in control if they want to experience orgasm? There are a million different ways to express that need. For some, it may just be needing to be on the bottom, to be able to lie back and let your partner do most of the work. But for others, it goes deeper. And there are levels, degrees that apply to different kinds of submissives.”

  “Like what?”

  He raised an eyebrow at her. “Are you comfortable talking about your brother’s sex life? Because he’s a perfect example.”

  Her blush made his balls draw up. “As long as you don’t, you know, describe them having sex in crazy detail, I should be okay.”

  “Fair enough. You know your brother is a sub. He has particular needs, which led him to Sidri and Tatum. They are both Dominant, and both of them fall into the category of psychological Domination.” He caught her gaze. “That means they exert their control with words and emotions, not physical means. Your brother does not want to be restrained, does not want pain with his pleasure. Therefore, Sidri and Tatum will sometimes give him the illusion of restraints to force his mind to make the choice to follow their orders, but they will never restrain him in truth. That’s not what he wants, not what he needs, so they will never, ever ask it of him.”

  “How do you give the illusion of restraints?” she asked in a breathy whisper, her eyes flashing with sudden lust.

  “Will you trust me for a moment?”

  Her blue eyes widened, filling with shadows again, but she nodded. Maddox choked back the urge to kiss her, make her forget her fears by force of sheer sensual overload. She wasn’t ready. Not yet. Not until she could bring herself to believe, body and soul, that he had no intention of harming her.

  That thought in mind, Maddox rose from his barstool and circled the island. When he stood behind her chair, he carefully, slowly danced his fingers down both shoulders, down both arms, until he reached her wrists. Gently, letting her know she could pull away at any time, Maddox pulled her hands out and back, finally wrapping her small fingers around the vertical slats that supported the stool’s short backrest. He brought the heat of his body right up behind her, knowing her hands were tantalizingly close to his throbbing erection, but forced himself to focus. He left his fingers circled around her wrists, forming loose manacles.

  “Hypothetical situation,” he said in a soft rumble. “Say I ordered you to put your hands behind your back, grip the back of the barstool, just as I have you doing now. I could use true restraints to keep you in the position I’ve commanded. Some submissives require the real thing, because they want to be able to pull against those restraints. They want to know down to their toes that their Dom is totally in control because the restraints are there, keeping them from disobeying his orders. The physical restraints reinforce their desire to have their choices taken away for the duration of the encounter, allowing them to let go and stop worrying about mechanics. Restraining that kind of submissive isn’t done so the Dom feels more powerful. It’s done so the sub can feel free enough to let go.”

  She was trembling in his hold, obviously heavily identifying with his words. God, she was going to make him explode. Clearing his throat roughly, Maddox fought for control and went on.

  “Or, I could simply give you the order,” he told her in a soft, sexy whisper. He leaned down, put his lips next to her ear. “Put your hands behind your back, grip the back of the barstool. Don’t let go, or everything stops.” Then he removed his hands from around her wrists and took a half step back, so there was no chance of her accidentally touching him. Standing behind her, out of her sight while he spoke, would drive her wild.

  “My command is the illusion, Amber. There’s nothing holding you back but your own will. You have to choose, to make the choice to obey me, and not just once—throughout our time together, you would need to make that choice, over and over again. You’d have to constantly remember my command, be forced to consider it and decide whether or not to obey, again and again.

  “As Sidri is fond of saying, it’s actually much, much harder to keep still when you know nothing is holding you back but your own mind. A sub who prefers physical restraints wants to be able to pull against them, to feel the physical evidence of their Dom’s control. But a sub like your brother”—like you—“prefers the illusion, so
that he has no doubt whatsoever that everything that is happening to him is by his choice and his choice alone. A sub who wants to be restrained physically wants their choices taken away. A sub who prefers the illusion wants to make certain he has all his choices, at all times.”

  He watched Amber’s shoulders tighten, her knuckles going white around the slats. After a moment, he stepped forward, carefully pulled her fingers away. He walked around in front of her, gathered her hands again, and brought both to his lips for a gentle kiss. Smiling softly at her stunned look, Maddox drew the closest stool over and sat down next to her, keeping possession of one of her hands.

  “The biggest thing I need you to understand,” he said quietly, “is that you’re the one with all the power, angel. Nothing happens without your say-so. You have a choice, every time, no matter what. I never want to take your choices away—I want you to make the choice to be with me, over and over again. If you don’t want me to have control, then I won’t have it. It’s all up to you.

  “That’s why I asked for that second promise,” he said after a time. “I don’t want you to agree to do things simply because you think it’s what I want from you. So if I were to ask you to do something you truly did not want to experience, I would expect—no, demand—that you say no. I have no desire to force you into something that makes you uncomfortable, angel. No desire to force my will onto yours. All I want, all I need, is to know that you’re finding pleasure in what we do together.”

  Her eyes flashed with lust. “You’re so certain…we’ll be doing things together?” she said in a breathy voice.

  Maddox groaned. He stood, slowly, and brought her to her feet. Then he reached down and effortlessly lifted her straight up, finally settling her on the counter with himself between her splayed thighs. Her gasp shot lightning up his spine, but he made no effort to hide his reaction to her this time. She needed to see how much she affected him, needed to know just how much she turned him on. Needed to know he wouldn’t hide from her, for any reason.

  Gently, reverently, he let his hands drift up her thighs, feeling the soft black denim glide under his palms as her muscles tensed beneath his touch. He ran his fingertips along the waistband of her jeans, settling both hands around her tiny waist as he stared into her wide eyes.

  “I want you, angel,” he said huskily. “I want you, and if you’re willing to trust me, I promise I can teach you what being a sub really means. But you have to choose. Not just now. Every time. Every single time we’re together, you have to make the choice to be with me. To trust me. I will never, ever force you to do something that goes against your will. And I will never force you to accept my Dominance over you. It has to be your decision, your choice, every single time. Understand?”

  Her lips parted on a silent gasp, her eyes going that deep purple color once again. If that’s the color her eyes turned when she got aroused, he was going to make it his mission to see them like that as often as possible. Lust and a healthy bit of anticipation swirled in his lower belly as he waited for her answer.

  “Can you trust me?” he asked into the silence. “Can you trust me enough to choose me?”

  “What…what about Riley?”

  The question stopped him short for a moment. He let his hands drift back down to her thighs, regarding her thoughtfully. “What about him?”

  “Don’t you…want him, too?”

  Jesus, she really was going to kill him. Maddox cleared his throat, not bothering to hide the sudden interest her question sparked in him. “I do. Does that bother you?”

  She shook her head, and Maddox wanted to do a backflip followed by a thousand cartwheels, right there in her kitchen. Fuck, this was his fantasy come to life, right here, right now. Amber not only wanted Riley herself, she wanted to see him with Maddox, too. God, the things the three of them could do together…

  He shivered, his fingers tightening on her denim-clad thighs convulsively. “Is that what you want, angel?” he asked, voice growly as a rock star. “Do you want to see me and Riley together? Do you want to have the three of us together?”

  Please, please God, let her say yes!

  “Yes,” Amber whispered, making his heart turn over in his chest. She swallowed, hard. “If…if that’s okay with you.”

  Maddox groaned. “Angel, you still don’t understand, do you? You set the boundaries. You make the decisions for what’s allowed and what’s not. You have all the power here. It’s your job to tell me your fantasies—and my job to make them come true. So if having Riley in our bed is something you desire, then I will do everything in my power to make it happen.”

  Goosebumps rose on her arms, inspiring him to run his fingers up and down that silky soft skin. “Have you slept with men before?” she asked softly.

  He met her eyes, hiding nothing. “Yes. In fact, I haven’t slept with a woman in years. If you choose to be with me, you’ll be my first in a long, long time. I think I was waiting for you, angel.”

  Her blush made his mouth water, but he fought the urge to taste that sweet heat. “Why didn’t you…go after Riley? If you want him, I mean. Why wait?” Her gaze was openly curious.

  She was perceptive, that was for sure. Maddox sighed quietly. “A lot of reasons. I wanted him from the moment we met, but I could tell he’d never been interested in men before. For a long time, I managed to convince myself he would never be interested, that it would only hurt him if I showed how much I wanted him. After I got to know him, became friends with him, it became an excuse to not ruin the friendship. But, now that I think about it, I think I was really just trying to save myself the rejection. You know, if he wasn’t willing to admit he could want another man. I didn’t want to see disgust in his eyes, or watch him draw away from me.”

  “But…you don’t think he’ll do that for real, do you?” She looked so concerned, so sweetly worried, he wanted to wrap her in a bear hug and never let her go.

  Maddox ran his fingers through her feathery soft hair as he shook his head. “I don’t. But…it might take a little doing, to make him understand it’s okay for him to desire another man. Unfortunately, most men are too afraid of those labels we spoke about to admit their true feelings.” His eyes flashed with amusement. “One of the benefits of being in our world, angel? Boundaries only exist where you want them to exist. And, for both Dominants and submissives, the gender boundary is usually the first to go.”

  “He’s…like me, isn’t he?”

  Maddox nodded. “He is…but, I don’t think he knows there’s a name for it, or that it’s a perfectly natural sexual orientation. You’re good, you know that? I’ve never met someone who could tell, just at a glance. Except for Sid, of course, but even she didn’t pin Riley right from the get-go. How did you know?”

  “I wasn’t afraid of him,” she answered honestly, her cheeks heating just a little. “I wanted him, but I wasn’t afraid of him. He’s so big, so intimidating. But he didn’t scare me. Not the way…you did.” She looked down, but he was having none of it. Carefully, Maddox hooked a finger under her chin, pulling her face out of hiding.

  “Do I still frighten you, Amber? Tell me the truth.”

  “A little,” she answered, biting her lip. “But not…the same as before.”

  “How, then? I can’t stand to have you afraid of me, angel. It kills me. I don’t ever want to see you frightened, ever again.”

  She regarded him with suddenly serious eyes. “You said I should tell the truth…even if it hurts. But does that mean I should tell the truth, even if it might hurt you more than me?”

  “Yes,” he answered immediately, without the slightest hesitation. “Always.”

  She nodded, took in a deep breath. “You frighten me because…because I’m afraid I’ll become addicted to you. That I’ll get lost in you. And I’m afraid that I’ll fall for you, but you won’t feel the same. I don’t want to be your charity case, Maddox. I don’t want you to teach me about being a submissive only to have you wash your hands of me when you feel my e
ducation is complete.” Her eyes flashed like sapphires in the sun, taking his breath away. “I’d rather stay ignorant than go through that. I won’t do it.”

  “Amber,” he said softly, reaching up with both hands to cup her face, “that will never happen. I promise you that. That’s another thing about being a Dom, angel. No Dom takes a sub unless he has feelings for her. Not even in a club, where there are staff submissives. You can’t truly be a Dom, can’t truly fulfill the needs of your chosen sub, without having true feelings for her. I wouldn’t be here, now, asking you to let me teach you, if I didn’t already have feelings for you. That I can promise you with everything I am.”

  She looked into his eyes for a long time, searching his face for sincerity or deception. He hid nothing from her, letting her see just how much he desired her, just how much he wanted to bring her pleasure. When she finally let out a tiny sigh, finally gave him a nod of acceptance, Maddox’s knees went weak with relief. Carefully, making sure she was aware of his intentions, he bent and brought his lips to within a breath of hers.

  “I’m going to kiss you now,” he promised. “Like I’ve wanted to do since the moment I laid eyes on you. Will you choose to let me, Amber? Will you choose to be with me tonight?”

  He waited.

  A heartbeat. Two.

  Finally, after an agonizing eternity, Amber nodded. With a groan of pure need, he claimed her lips for the first time—though, if he had his way, it would definitely not be the last.

  Chapter 8

  Amber braced herself for the aggressive, overpowering kiss she knew was coming, thinking, Here goes nothing.

  Maddox was absolutely nothing like she’d expected him to be. She’d stopped comparing him to Brandon within the first few minutes, simply because it was like trying to compare a pebble to a mountain. Nothing he said, nothing he did, matched with her experience of a Dominant male. And yet he was so certain, so absolutely confident in his explanations, she knew he had to be telling the truth. Which meant that everything she’d ever believed, the very foundation of her perception of herself and what it meant to be a sexual submissive, was based on an outright lie.