Angel Without

by Rhiannon Ayers

  Amber blinked back the burn of tears, throat choked with emotion as she stared into Maddox’s sincere gray eyes. In the past twenty-four hours, she’d been made to feel more wanted, more accepted, than she’d ever been in her whole life. She never even realized things could be different, that there were people out there who actively showed their regard for one another. She’d been raised to hide her emotions at all times, unless showing them would be of direct benefit to herself or her father. She wasn’t used to people complimenting her for no reason, wasn’t used to feeling like her presence alone was enough to make her valuable.

  Obviously noting her sudden discomfort, Maddox smiled and changed the subject. “So, what happened with Riley earlier?”

  “What do you mean?” she grated, voice rough with her swirling emotions.

  A half smile quirked his lips. “He high-tailed it out your front door like his ass was on fire. Did you yell at him or something? Or did Sidri? Lord knows, the guy is absolutely terrified of her.”

  Amber laughed. “No, nobody yelled at him. I didn’t even know he did that. He seemed fine when he left.”

  Maddox shook his head. “Typical Riley antics, then. I swear that man does goofy things just to make me question his sanity.”

  “Allen said you had a crush on him,” Amber blurted—then turned beet-red, completely mortified at herself. Christ, had she no tact? She hunched her shoulders, prepared to face a tirade, but Maddox surprised her with a laugh.

  “He did, did he?” When she looked up, he flashed her a wink. “I’ll have to whomp him for that. Guys shouldn’t gossip behind other guys’ backs. Goes against the Bro Code.”

  Amber licked her lips. “So…is it true? Do you have a crush on him? Are you gay?”

  Maddox regarded her in silence for a long time. So long, in fact, she began to wonder if she’d crossed the line after all, if she’d touched on some taboo without knowing it. She was just starting to fidget, just starting to get really uncomfortable, when Maddox let out a soft breath.

  “I wish I could lie to you,” he said softly, sincerely. She met his open gaze, astonished at the sadness she heard in his tone. “I know that would make you more comfortable, knowing I was gay. But I’m not, Amber. You need to know that. I won’t have you basing your assumptions about me on a lie.”

  Despite her best efforts, Amber drew back a little. Maddox saw it, closed his eyes as if sudden pain washed through his body. He started to push back his stool, started rising to his feet. “I should go…”

  “Don’t,” Amber said instantly. He paused, and she met his eyes squarely. “Please, don’t leave.”

  He stared at her, searching her face. She didn’t know what he found there, but eventually, he nodded and lowered himself back down again. Amber took a deep breath, let it out slowly.

  “So, if you aren’t gay, why does my brother think you have a crush on Riley?”

  Maddox’s silver eyes flashed. “Because I do.”

  She frowned. “I don’t understand.”

  He leaned forward, resting his elbows on the edge of the counter between them. “Why does there have to be a label, Amber?” he asked with one eyebrow raised, a sardonic look on his face. “Why do I have to stuff myself into some little box with a neat little label over it? I know exactly who and what I am, and I don’t need a particular word to describe myself to other people. Why should I?”

  “I’ve never…thought about it like that before.”

  His shoulders hitched in a small shrug. “Most people don’t. But then, most people aren’t comfortable enough with themselves and their sexuality to understand that labels are meant for other people to use against them, rather than to define themselves. If more people were willing to let themselves go with the flow, if more people were willing to just trust their instincts without worrying about how others would define their behavior, we’d have a whole lot fewer crazy people in the world, that’s for sure.”

  She giggled again, earning a sweet smile from Maddox. She cleared her throat. “That’s…an interesting point of view. I don’t think many people would understand it.”

  His silver eyes went soft, full of understanding. “The same way most people wouldn’t understand the world of D/s?”

  Amber shivered, hearing him say those words. As she just stared at him in shock, Maddox closed his eyes a moment, then pinned her in place with his hard gray stare.

  “Let’s talk about the elephant in the room,” he said quietly. “I think it will make things easier, for both of us. Let’s start with, how long have you known you were a sub?”

  Her mouth worked up and down, but no sound came out. Christ on a pogo stick, she’d never discussed this out loud with anyone before. Ever. Not even Brandon—it was understood, something they were both aware of, but not something they spoke about directly. In fact, before being reunited with Allen and seeing the way his two Doms treated him, she hadn’t even been aware that a D/s relationship could extend outside the bedroom. Her only experience came from her interactions with Brandon, and her internet research sessions. And just from what she’d encountered over the last day, she knew her experience with the real thing was less than zero. Yet here Maddox was, offering to shed some light on the subject, if only she could find her voice—and her courage.

  Shaking, both inside and outside, Amber shared a secret she’d never told anyone in her entire life. “Since I was a little girl,” she whispered, tears pooling behind her eyes as the memories came rushing back. “I found a magazine in my brother Robbie’s room. It had pictures of women, all tied up. I looked at those pictures, and instead of being freaked out, I wanted to be them—I wanted to be tied up like that, wanted men to look at me like those men in the pictures were looking at those women. I didn’t know what it meant. I ran out of Robbie’s room, pretended I hadn’t seen those images. But I did, and they haunted me.”

  Her throat closed, and she spoke in a tight whisper. “It wasn’t until years later that I got up the courage to ask Robbie about it. I went to his room, dug out the magazine, and confronted him. I tried to make it sound like I thought it was sick, because I knew he’d tell me the truth if he was feeling defensive. He told me…”

  She paused, swallowing back bile. Maddox reached across the island, threaded their fingers together. She looked up at him gratefully, unafraid of him for the very first time.

  “Robbie told me he was a Dom, and that he’d always known I was a sub. And if I wanted to explore that part of myself, he had a friend who would be more than willing to teach me. He’s the one who introduced me to…to Brandon.” She closed her eyes, tears squeezing out despite her best efforts to stem them.

  “Brandon…hurt me. I thought he was teaching me what it meant to be a sub. But now…now I’m not so sure.”

  Chapter 7

  Maddox sat at Amber’s kitchen island, her tiny hand clasped in his, and thought, If I ever meet this Brandon character, I’ll rip his fucking face off.

  It took effort, but he managed to clear his expression before Amber opened her eyes. He knew without a doubt that if he did anything to frighten her now, when she was just starting to open up to him, he’d lose her forever. So he stomped down the rage boiling inside him, plastering a look of honest concern on his face and hoping she couldn’t see through to the anger underneath. When those gorgeous blue eyes focused on him at last, Maddox smiled softly.

  “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to,” he assured her sincerely. “Whatever you choose to share, I will listen.”

  She nodded, biting her lower lip as she looked down at their clasped hands. Maddox rubbed his thumb across the back of hers, marveling at how tiny she was. She was like a delicate little flower, all soft curves and feathered edges, but with a stem made up of tempered steel. Her strength utterly floored him, especially since she seemed so unaware of it. It took guts to invite a man you were terrified of to sit down to a meal with you. Took guts to look him in the eye and ask questions about his personal life. And it
took nerves of steel to sit across from him and share some of your deepest, darkest secrets without flinching.

  He’d called her “angel” earlier just as an off-hand endearment, but now he was wondering if she wasn’t an angel in truth.

  Amber took a deep breath, let it out slowly. “Brandon was…well, I thought he was a Dom. He certainly enjoyed…having power over me. And I enjoyed it, too. At first. But then…” She shivered violently, and Maddox wanted to do nothing more than take her in his arms and comfort her. But he didn’t, knowing that if he moved right now, she’d take it as a threat.

  “Three years ago,” Amber whispered, “I let him…tie me up. Like those women I’d seen in the magazine, the one that started it all for me. And he…hurt me. For hours. I begged and begged for him to stop, begged and begged for him to let me go. But he wouldn’t. He liked having ultimate control. Liked it that I could beg and scream and still couldn’t get away from him. He beat me black-and-blue. Got off on it over and over again.

  “I was so sickened, so disgusted, when he finally let me go. Not just at him—at me. For having wanted that in the first place. For being a submissive and needing a Dom’s control at all. I hated him, and I hated me. All I knew for certain was that I could never, ever let it happen to me again.”

  A tear tracked down her cheek, and Maddox couldn’t help wiping it off. Her watery blue eyes regarded him solemnly. “I broke up with him immediately. Refused all contact. At first, he wouldn’t let it go. Wouldn’t let me go. He said I’d asked for it, that I knew what I was going to get when he tied me up. He said I belonged to him, and I had no right to walk away until he was finished using me. It took my father getting involved to get the bastard to stop coming around. I was only with him for a couple of months. But he still haunts me. Every single day.”

  “I’m sorry,” Maddox said quietly, aching for her on so many levels. “I’m sorry you had to go through that. But Amber? Brandon wasn’t a Dom. He couldn’t be, and still do what he did to you. Do you realize that? Do you understand?”

  She bit her lip again, making him want to soothe it with his tongue. Commanding his aching cock to behave, he concentrated on her answer. It was a long time coming, but when it finally did come, it gave him just a little more hope.

  “I know,” she whispered breathily, blue eyes flashing. “I mean, I didn’t know at the time. But after meeting Sidri and Tatum…after meeting you…” Her shiver sent chills down Maddox’s own spine, and he bit back a curse.

  Thank God. Thank God, she doesn’t see me the same way she saw that bastard. Thank God for small favors.

  He cleared his throat, but she spoke before he could find his voice.

  “I don’t understand why, though,” she admitted, her brows drawing down in a concerned frown. “I always thought…all Doms would be like him. That you all just wanted to have control over a sub and make yourselves feel powerful. But Allen doesn’t act like he feels demeaned or controlled, and I can’t see Sidri or Tatum willingly allowing anything to hurt him. And you…” She trailed off with a little shudder. “You don’t strike me like that, either. But I don’t know why. I don’t know how all of you can be Doms and yet…not be like Brandon. What am I missing?”

  Holy fuck. This was his shot, the chance he’d been waiting for. Not only was she starting to trust him, she was practically begging him to take her as his submissive. Suddenly lightheaded from all the blood rushing to his cock, Maddox fought for control, fought the urge to pounce and claim. She wasn’t his. Not yet.

  Not until she chose to be.

  “I can teach you, if you truly want to learn,” he told her honestly. “But, there are a few things I need you to promise me first.”

  Fear flashed in her beautiful blue eyes. Maddox schooled himself to patience, forcing himself to wait for her answer, despite the overwhelming urge to take her in his arms. This was the first step toward building trust—she needed to know her decisions counted, right from the beginning. Otherwise, she would never trust his intentions, never trust him when he said he cared about her thoughts and feelings. It was a fine line, the very line that defined Dominant from submissive, and it was a line that was far, far too easy to mistake for something else entirely. So he waited, keeping his expression open and welcoming, praying she would find the courage to trust him, just a little bit more.

  Amber licked her lips again, swallowed hard. Then she whispered, “What promises?”

  Maddox kept up his slow massage of her hand, never taking his eyes off hers. “First, you will promise never to lie to me. Even if it hurts, even if the answer embarrasses you, you must tell me the truth at all times. In return, I promise to do the same. There can be no trust between us if we’re both wondering what the other is hiding. Can you do that?”

  She was silent for a moment, considering. When she finally nodded, Maddox’s heart soared. He let out a silent sigh and continued. “Good. Second, I need you to promise me you will never do something against your own desires just because you think it’s something I want from you.”

  She cocked her head, obviously confused. “What? But I thought…”

  He interrupted her immediately. “Wrong. You thought wrong, Amber. You and Brandon both got it wrong, right from the start. Being submissive doesn’t mean giving up your dignity, angel. And being Dominant doesn’t mean you want to control your submissive’s every thought and action. In point of fact, it’s the exact opposite.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t understand. I thought…I thought that’s what it meant, to be a sub. What it meant to be a Dom.”

  “Not even close.”

  “Then…what does it mean?”

  He sighed. “I’ll explain it to you the same way Sidri explained it to me.” He paused for a smile. “That woman has a way with words,” he said with a chuckle, earning a soft smile from Amber that hit him right in the balls. He bit back a curse, reaching under the table to adjust himself before continuing.

  “There are a million different ways to express submission or Dominance. So many, in fact, that it is very rare to find two submissives with the same needs, or even two Doms. Every person is unique. That said, there is a core understanding that does apply to every single one of us, and it comes down to physical motion.”

  At her curious look, he gave her a soft smile. “Being Dominant means needing to be in control of the motion during sex.” He paused, noting the shiver that washed down her spine as he said the word. He bit back a groan. “Understand, I said needing to be in control—not wanting.”

  “What’s the difference?”

  He met her gaze squarely. “Exactly what it sounds like. I’m a Dom, Amber. For me, that means that in order to find satisfaction, in order to reach orgasm, I need to be in control of the motion. I can’t get relief unless and until I am in control of the physical motion—how fast, how hard, how deep.” He watched the blush staining her cheeks, desperately wanted to lick and suck his way down her chest, just to see if the skin was as hot as it looked. He cleared his throat, but his next words still came out loaded with lust.

  “It means you could ride me all night long, angel. You could be on top of me all night long, riding for all you were worth, and I still wouldn’t be able to come. I just can’t. I have to be on top, have to be in control of the actual physical motion, in order to find release. It’s how I’m built. How Sidri and Tatum are both built. And that is, at the very core of its definition, what it means to be a Dom. Everything else is secondary.”

  She licked those lips again, her blue eyes shining impossibly bright. “So…what does it mean for a sub, then?”

  “The exact opposite,” he replied quietly. “For a true submissive, it means you can’t be in control of the motion. In order to reach orgasm, you need to have your partner take care of that part. Otherwise, if you find yourself having to worry about the mechanics of things, the whens and whys and hows, you can’t let go enough to release. Which means that even if you did ride me all night long, you wouldn’t be able to
come, either.”

  She shivered again, and he bit back yet another groan. Christ, this woman was going to be the death of him. Time to spice things up a bit more.

  “Of course, that doesn’t apply to self-stimulation,” he rumbled, allowing his gaze to sweep over her. Amber’s cheeks turned bright pink. “It only applies to being with a partner. In point of fact, a sub who ends up with a man who isn’t Dominant enough is more likely to prefer masturbation. You can always get yourself off, right?”

  Amber’s mouth worked up and down, her eyes darkening with desire. Maddox cursed himself, knowing he’d be fantasizing about her touching herself all night long.

  “So, those are the basic definitions,” he went on, throat raspy. “For most people, there really isn’t that much of a separation between the two—they can be either in control or not, as the situation calls for it. It’s only for those of us who find they actually need control—or truly need their partner to take it from them—that the true demarcation begins. After that, it depends on the individual, what each wants and needs. And, for a Dom, that means meeting the sub’s wants and needs on every level possible.” He stopped and made sure he had her complete attention. “Do you understand what I’m saying, angel?”

  She shook her head, and his heart went out to her for the umpteenth time that day. He reached up a hand, slowly smoothed her bangs away from her forehead. She shuddered under his touch, but didn’t pull away.

  “For a Dom, the sub’s needs transcend all else,” he explained quietly, projecting as much confidence and sincerity as he possessed into his voice. “When a true Dom chooses a submissive, he does so because that sub needs something from him, which he in turn knows he can give. Everything a Dom is, everything a Dom does, is for the sub’s benefit—not his own.

  “That’s why Brandon wasn’t a Dom, angel. He couldn’t be, and still do what he did to you. Tying you up simply to have more power over you, hurting you for his own pleasure, goes against everything that makes a Dom what he is.”