Every Serengeti Sunrise

by Rula Sinara

  Maddie set her mug down and wiped her face with the hem of her shirt.

  “Why don’t you ever say it? Why is it so easy for you to criticize and question me instead?”

  “I’ve never been good with words the way you are. That’s a gift you inherited from Zoe. And trust me, I’m better now than I was before I met Hope, but sometimes I just forget to change the way I talk when I’m with family. As a marine I learned to go above and beyond and to expect no less from anyone else. The thing is, Mads, you set the bar high. I’m sorry if I’ve spoken too harshly or hurt you in any way.”

  She wanted to completely fall apart. All the stress and fatigue and heartbreak threatened to breach the dam she’d built, but she needed to hold it together. Maybe that was something she’d inherited from her dad. Staying in control...at least until she reached the privacy of her apartment in Philly. She’d already let one too many tears fall. She didn’t want Philip to see her upset. She didn’t want to ruin his day. And she didn’t want to further upset her parents. Not on her last night here.

  She leaned against his shoulder and he put his arm around her.

  “Thanks, Dad. I’m sorry that I didn’t see things from your perspective.”

  “Two sides to everything, right?”

  “Yeah.” Boy was there. Two sides or more. She couldn’t help but think of all that had happened with Haki and Pippa.

  Roosevelt came running up to Ben and propped his paws on his lap. He dropped a wet tennis ball in his lap and wagged his tail. Philip dropped to the grass and sat there catching his breath.

  “He was supposed to bring that to me. The traitor.”

  Ben scratched Roosevelt behind the ears, then held up the ball.

  “Mutiny!” Philip called out. Roosevelt barked and Ben threw the ball.

  “Looks like you have a new friend, too,” Maddie said. She had a feeling Roosevelt was going to be as good for her dad as he’d be for Philip. “I’m gonna miss you guys when I leave.”

  “You still have some time, don’t you?”

  She picked up her mug and cradled it.

  “In some ways, you were right to worry about me not being careful. I made a mistake. I’m not comfortable getting into it right now,” she quickly added. “Trust me on this. I did what I could to make things right and I think things will get back to normal a lot faster if I’m not here.”

  “But—”

  “Dad. I’ve got this. Trust me.”

  He pressed his lips together and looked her in the eyes, then finally nodded.

  “I do.”

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  HE SHOULD HAVE known he’d find her here.

  Haki had scoured the area and all Pippa’s favorite places for spying on wildlife and capturing them with her camera, but there’d been no sign of her. And here she was, much closer to home than he’d expected, parked under the same grove of trees that had marked so many changes in her life. Pippa once told him that this was the spot where Anna and Jack had taken her when she was only four to explain that Jack was her father. It was where Pippa had first told Haki that her love for him went beyond friendship. It was where they’d shared their first kiss. And now, he hoped it would be the place where she’d agree to give him a chance to regain her trust. To make things right.

  Changes. Turning points.

  He parked his jeep right behind hers but she didn’t even spare him a glance. She couldn’t ignore him forever. Not unless one of them left Busara. He closed his eyes and rubbed at his brow, trying to erase all that had happened since Maddie’s arrival. Trying to wipe away all that had changed between him and Pippa...and Maddie. He was destined to be with Pippa. That’s all there was to it. God, he hoped he hadn’t completely destroyed that innocent, open-hearted love of life and people that made Pippa so special—the spark that lifted everyone’s spirits whenever she entered a room. Maybe things between them would never be quite the same again, but he’d do whatever he had to do to make their life together better.

  She looked away from him when he climbed onto the passenger seat next to her. At least she hadn’t driven off. That was something.

  “You’ve avoided me for three days now, Pip. We need to talk. If you still don’t want to talk to me, at least hear me out.”

  He tucked her hair back with his fingers and gently lifted her chin. Her eyes were puffy from crying and she brushed his hand away.

  “Hear what, Haki? You muddling through damage control? You saying that you’re sorry? You think a simple apology will make things right again?”

  She sounded drained and defeated. He took a deep breath and shook his head.

  “No, I don’t. I know it’s not enough. It doesn’t even come close, but I don’t know where else to start. Pippa, I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I don’t deserve you. I’ve betrayed you and I’ll never forgive myself for that. The fact that I hurt you keeps me up at night, and all I can think about is trying to earn your trust back. Even if it takes the rest of our lives.”

  “The rest of our lives?” Her brow furrowed and she turned her gaze beyond the horizon.

  “I shouldn’t assume. I’m just saying that—” he said.

  “You’re right. You shouldn’t assume. I figured you’d find me here. It took everything in me not to drive away when you showed up. But the thing is, I’ve been going through every memory I have of us over and over and I keep coming to the same conclusion. That if things were right between us, this wouldn’t have happened. We wouldn’t be falling apart right now.”

  “We don’t have to fall apart. I take full responsibility for what happened. Maddie loves you. She’d never intentionally hurt you. You don’t have to forgive me, but I hope you eventually forgive her. She’s your family. Your friend. What happened at the lookout between Maddie and me was nothing more than a mistake.”

  “No.” Her voice broke and she covered her mouth as she finally looked at him. “That’s the thing. I don’t think it was. I think it was inevitable. Deep down, in a very selfish part of me that I’m feeling really ashamed of right now, I’ve always known there was something special between you two.”

  “You’re one of the least selfish people I know and you’re the last person on earth who should be feeling ashamed right now. Leave that to me.”

  “You don’t understand. Even growing up, I could tell you had a thing for her. The way you’d look at her. The things you’d do to get her attention, even if I was standing right in front of you. And she was clueless. She didn’t care back then. But I did. Her last year here before college, I realized that if I didn’t let you know how I felt, I’d lose you. You’d tell her how you felt before she left. I couldn’t let it happen. I didn’t want this inexplicable thing between you to be real. I loved you. I still do. We were supposed to be together, always. I’ve never pictured any other future than one with you, continuing our lives here at Busara surrounded by loved ones. I did everything I could to be right for you. And everything was fine after Maddie went back to the States. We finally became a couple. Except a part of you kept holding back, whether you were conscious of it or not. I sensed it, though I tried to ignore it. You talked about marriage whenever I brought it up, but always put off that next step. I just wasn’t good enough.”

  Her words speared him. Killed him. He shifted closer and took her in his arms, holding her until her breathing steadied and she stopped trembling. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried. Even with Bakhari’s death he’d channeled his emotions into anger and purpose. He’d stayed in control and tried to make things right. But this...this death of what he and Pippa had, seeing her in pain and knowing that he’d caused it...this was more than he could handle. He was worthless. Evil. A criminal, just like the man who’d attacked his mother had been. That man whose blood coursed through him.

  Haki held her tight against his chest and
let his own tears fall against her hair. He pressed his lips to the top of her head and breathed in the scent of mango and morning dew and everything that was Pippa.

  “Please don’t say that, Pip. The worst punishment you could inflict on me would be to think you’re not good enough. There isn’t a word that describes just how amazing you are. Not even all the power, beauty and abundance of the Serengeti is enough to capture how loving and incredible you are. I do love you, Pip. I don’t think there’s ever been a day where you haven’t inspired me by simply being you.”

  She pulled away and got out of the jeep, slamming the door behind her. What just happened? What had he said wrong? Haki hurried after her as she stormed past his vehicle.

  “Wait. Where are you going?” She was headed into the middle of nowhere. Busara was in the opposite direction. She turned on her heel and glared at him like a buffalo ready to charge.

  “You’re saying all of that out of guilt. More lies!” she yelled.

  “I was being sincere!”

  “Why can’t you just be honest with me?” she pressed.

  “Pippa, I am being honest. What I said was the truth.”

  “The truth is that I’m the ‘let’s just be friends’ girl. The truth is your love for Maddie is greater!”

  “The truth is my love for Maddie is different!”

  The air stilled.

  He took a step back and ran his hands over his face. He hadn’t meant to say that. The words were out before he could stop them. This was supposed to be an apology. He was supposed to be getting their lives back on track and instead everything was spiraling downward.

  Pippa stared at him, her face suddenly void of emotion. He didn’t dare step closer.

  “I’m sorry.” Haki’s jaw ached and his head pounded. He couldn’t think straight. He had no strategy, no common sense, no direction. She’d checkmated him. Forced him to admit that he loved Maddie.

  “I’m sorry, too. I so wanted Maddie to already have someone in her life when I heard she was returning to Kenya. I shouldn’t have had to feel like our relationship needed a buffer. I deserved to feel confident in what we had, and part of me did. The one thing I never doubted—the one thing that reassured me—was that I could trust you. Both of you. The minute Maddie and I stepped off the helicopter when she first arrived at Busara, I knew she still had a way of stirring something in your soul that I’d never quite reached. And this time I could see it all over her face. She was feeling it, too. But I told myself it was okay. That it was nothing more than nostalgia or cold feet on your part. That she’d eventually return home and our lives would get back to normal. That you loved me enough. And I reminded myself that, no matter what, I could trust you.”

  Haki didn’t say anything. He had no defense. He’d let her down in the worst way possible. He couldn’t take back what had happened. Pippa had every right to tear into him, and if he had any shred of honor left, he’d stand there and let her.

  “You, Haki. The one person who knows me better than anyone else in this world. The one person I’d trust with my life. The one person I can truly be myself around. I could teeter at the edge of the earth and you’d never let me fall. I trusted you.” Her last words were barely a whisper, as if meant for herself alone, but they bored through him just the same.

  He had let her fall. He’d failed her.

  She walked over to her jeep and leaned against the side with her arms folded. He hesitated, then followed.

  They stood there, silent, tortured by the everyday sounds of bird calls, branches rustling and the distant, pleading cry of an elephant separated from its family. This was home to both of them. They were born and raised here. Their families lived here. What Haki had done didn’t just affect the two of them. It affected everyone. Their everyday lives would never be the same again.

  “What can I do, Pip? What do you want?”

  “I don’t know anymore. I’m feeling a little lost.”

  He nodded.

  “Me, too.”

  Haki scanned the area. They knew every bush, boulder and tree. Either of them could walk back to the house blindfolded. Busara wasn’t only a sanctuary for elephants. It had become theirs, too. Maybe too much of one. A cocoon. He’d confided to Maddie the urge to branch out and start his own clinic. Didn’t Pippa feel the need to break free and spread her wings? Being comfortable wasn’t always a good thing.

  “Our life here is important,” Pippa said, as if she’d heard his thoughts. “What our families have accomplished here is phenomenal. The spirit of Busara is nothing short of magical. All those orphaned animals...they’re as much a part of us as they are of Kenya. This place has been my purpose in life. Our purpose.”

  That was the problem. She hadn’t made that choice. She was born into it, yet it was how she defined herself. He rubbed the back of his neck. There had to be a way of getting her to see that without making her defensive.

  “Busara is more than that,” he started. “It’s an all-encompassing family commitment. One that I back and support with my life. You know I share your passion for the animals we save. But sometimes I feel like our lives have become so entwined in the big picture that our individual dreams and goals have gotten lost in it all. And maybe it’s the wrong thing to say right now, but I think we’ve gotten lost in it all, too—going with the flow, falling into step with the expectations set out for us. Making everyone happy. Pip, I see that now. This isn’t just about Maddie. You and I, we’ve been hanging on to comfort...to the familiar. We’ve been each other’s crutch instead of facing ourselves and trying to figure out our path in life. Who we’d be if none of this existed.”

  “Don’t assume that I don’t know what I want in life.”

  Hadn’t she just said that she didn’t know what she wanted? That she felt lost? Haki pinched the bridge of his nose.

  “I’m not trying to presume anything or offend you. I just mean that I’ve always wondered if us being together was holding you back. You’ve been breaking rules and challenging boundaries since the day you were born. I’ve always loved and admired that about you. You’ll pull out all the stops when it comes to helping others, but I never see you doing that for yourself. When it comes to you, you hold back. I don’t think you realize just how strong you are, even without all this. You have more fire in you than any of us. I just wish you’d let some of it burn for yourself.”

  A tear escaped the corner of her eye and she quickly dried it, then climbed back into her driver’s seat. Haki stood next to her door.

  “Are we ever going to be okay, you and me?” he asked.

  Pippa kept her eyes on a kettle of vultures circling the tall grasses in the distance.

  “I can’t fault you for loving Maddie or for following your heart. What I’m not sure I’ll be able to get past is the fact that you weren’t honest with me. You made a fool out of me, and I’m having a really hard time with that. And I’ve always truly loved Maddie. But the betrayal... I just feel numb right now. I’m not ready to hear her out and, honestly, I need you to give me some space, too. You and Maddie are the last two people on earth I want to be around right now.”

  Could he blame her? At least she let him speak his piece. It hadn’t fixed things, but it had to be enough for now.

  “I’ll leave Busara,” he said. “I’ve been wanting to go back to vet school to specialize. I’ll be in Nairobi and you can stay here. I won’t be in the way. And maybe I’ll build that clinic afterward and you won’t have to worry about seeing me every day...or at all.”

  She started her engine and rested her hands on the wheel.

  “What about Maddie?”

  “Maddie has a life in America. A future with her here just isn’t realistic or possible. Especially after all that’s happened. I don’t deserve her forgiveness any more than yours. I’ve cost her something she considered priceless. Your f
riendship. I wish I had the power to give that back to the two of you, but all I can do is get out of your way. I’ve hurt you both. I’ve hurt our families. Just please believe that I never meant to hurt you, Pip. I’ve always cherished our bond. You’re an important part of my life and always will be. That’s not going to change.”

  The corners of her mouth creased in a sorrowful smile.

  “It already has,” she said, before shifting gears and driving away.

  Haki watched her trail of dust get smaller.

  She was right. Nothing would ever be the same again. Not with Pippa, nor Maddie.

  Some wounds were just too deep to recover from.

  * * *

  HAKI STOOD AS tall as possible under the weight of their dark stares. All four men, like a firing squad. The sweat trickling down his back had nothing to do with the sun burning down on Busara. The leaves on trees were ominously still and even Mosi had the sense to keep away.

  “I know what you all are thinking,” he said, looking at his father, Ben, Jack and Mac. Kill him, for one thing. He deserved it. Jack cocked a brow as if he could hear Haki’s thoughts.

  “Do you?” Ben’s eyes narrowed in a dare. Maddie’s father had every right to want to kill him. Haki had let things get too far. He should have held back his feelings for her. He should have somehow drawn up a shield or cut the invisible rope that seemed to bind them together across space and time and all planes of existence. He should have been strong enough to stop what seemed inevitable and impossible. He scrubbed a hand across his face and tried to clear the hoarseness from his voice.