Beautiful Goodbye

by Heather D'Agostino

  “So, what’s he hiding?” Kasey teased.

  “Nothing,” I shrugged as I started for the stairs. I’d planned to go up to the bedroom and get dressed, but Kasey had other plans.

  “Oh, I’m sure there’s something,” Kasey rolled her eyes. “He’s not perfect, you just haven’t found it yet.” She stood from the couch and darted toward the kitchen. “I’m betting if you looked, you could find it.” Before I could stop her, Kasey began pulling open drawers. “Come on,” she motioned toward me. “Now’s your chance to snoop, and if we find something, you can blame it on me.” She giggled as she tugged open a drawer full of takeout menus. “Well, he doesn’t like to cook,” she lifted one and laughed.

  “I didn’t need to look in there to tell you that,” I shook my head. “It’s not just a ‘doesn’t like to’ it’s a ‘can’t’.”

  “Can’t?” she turned to face me.

  “Yeah. He burns water,” I giggled as I grabbed the menu from her, stuffed it back in the drawer, and shoved it closed. “Come on. I’m gonna get dressed. Stop snooping.”

  “Not a chance,” she laughed as she rushed up the steps ahead of me. I clutched the towel at my breasts with one hand as the other grabbed the bag of clothes. I tried to stop her, but she rushed into the bathroom as soon as we reached the top of the steps.

  “Please, Kase,” I whined. “I don’t want to snoop. It’s none of my business,” I tossed the bag through the bedroom doorway and then turned to go after her. She was standing in front of Ryan’s medicine cabinet when I stepped through the door.

  “Jackpot!” she pumped her arm in the air.

  “Kase!” I gasped. “No!” I went to close it, but she put her hand up and stopped me.

  “What’s all this?” she murmured as she reached for an orange prescription bottle.

  “He’s diabetic,” I rolled my eyes as I took it from her and placed it back where it was without even reading the label. “Now, stop,” I closed the cabinet and turned her to face the door before shoving her out into the hall. “I love you Kase, but this is none of our business.”

  “Fine,” she groaned. “You suck the fun out of everything.”

  “Maybe so, but I like things the way they are,” I turned her toward the steps. “Wait for me in the living room. I’ll be down in like ten minutes.”

  “Whatever,” she shook her head. “Hurry up.”

  The entire ride to the mall was spent with Kasey nagging me about Ryan. She kept insisting that he was hiding something. I didn’t know what, seeing as he’d told me about his family and the diabetes. He’d been letting me stay at his place for a week now. If he was hiding something, I would think that he’d want me out of there as fast as possible.

  After purchasing several pairs of panties and a couple of bras, we had lunch in the food court, and then decided to stop by the grocery store. I wanted to cook dinner for Ryan as a surprise. He was working all day today, and I knew he’d be tired when he got home. Having a nice dinner and then me for dessert would be the perfect end to the long day.

  “I still think you’re crazy for not taking advantage of the fact that you have free range of his house,” Kasey scolded as she helped me carry bags into Ryan’s. After setting them on the counter, she claimed she needed to use the bathroom before leaving.

  I waved her off thinking nothing of it as I started pulling groceries out of the bags and placing them on the counter. I had the makings for low carb lasagna and a salad along with a bottle of wine. Ryan had texted me an hour ago saying he’d be home in a bit, and I wanted to have everything started so I could relax with him.

  I was just starting to mix the salad when Kasey came back. “You need to see this.” Her voice sounded a little panicked, and when I lifted my head, I froze. There she was with her cell in one hand staring at the screen while her other hand was holding an orange prescription bottle.

  “What are you doing?” I hissed. “That is none of our business!”

  “He’s sick, Rachel,” her face was turning whiter by the minute. It was like she stumbled into something that she wished she hadn’t, and she didn’t know how to get back out of it. “Did you know about that?” she swallowed.

  “Know what?” I still stood with my hands in the salad bowl, frozen in place.

  “That he was sick,” her eyes held pity.

  “He has diabetes. That’s treatable,” I rolled my eyes at her.

  “This isn’t for diabetes,” she held the bottle up, “I looked it up. This is some serious stuff here, Rach. It says here,” she turned her phone to face me, “that you take this when you’re in kidney failure.”

  Right at that moment I heard the lock to the front door click. It creaked open just as Ryan stepped through. It was as if time stopped. I was stuck in the moment. I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe; I couldn’t even make sense of where I was.

  “Hey,” he smiled, but it fell when he saw the exchange between Kasey and me. “What’s going on? He stepped closer, and I think it finally registered to him that Kasey was holding something. His eyes dipped to where her hand was hanging by her side still clutching the pill bottle. His throat bobbed as he swallowed.

  “Is it true?” I didn’t even recognize my own voice it was so strangled.

  “Rach,” he sighed.

  “Are you sick?” I finally released the salad and took a few steps to the side. Kasey had been slowly backing up toward the front door. She placed the bottle on the table where Ryan usually tossed his keys before making her exit. If I wasn’t in shock I would have made her wait for me, but as it was I couldn’t really make sense of anything.

  “Rach,” Ryan moved closer. His eyes were sad, resigned almost. It was as if he saw this coming and was just accepting it.

  “Are you?” my voice was stronger this time, and I began shaking my head from side to side as I slowly moved away from him.

  “Yes,” he whispered. “I didn’t want you to find out like this.”

  “You didn’t want me find out at all,” I cried. “You know about my dad. You know what I’ve been through. How could you hide this from me?” I began speeding up, already planning my exit. This was a mistake. Getting close to him was a mistake. I should have never let him in, never let my guard down. I let him into my heart, and now he was going to destroy it.

  “We need to talk about this,” he moved toward me, but I was faster.

  “No!” I shook my head again. “I can’t do this. I can’t say goodbye again. I won’t.” I quickly turned and raced down his front steps catching Kasey just as she was getting ready to back out of her parking space.

  “Rachel, wait!” he called as he rushed after me, stopping in his open doorway. I shook my head and climbed into Kasey’s car without looking up at him. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t let him break me, only it was too late. He already had.

  Chapter 15

  Rachel

  “Do you plan on staying there forever?” Kasey sighed as she rounded the end of the couch and sat on the coffee table, facing me. “He called again.”

  “I don’t want to talk to him,” I mumbled as I craned my neck to see around her. I’ve lost count on how many days I’ve been lying here. I’ve cried so much that I can barely open my eyes. They’re red and puffy, and I’m still wearing what I came home in. I’ve seen every episode of House Hunters that’s been on this season, and now I’m working on Flip or Flop. The days have blurred together, and if it wasn’t for Kasey, I don’t think I’d be eating either.

  “You need to talk to him,” she reached out to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear, but I balked and frowned at her.

  “Can you move? I can’t see with you sitting there,” I scowled as I lifted my arm and attempted to push her to the side.

  “Rach,” she sighed again.

  “Not now,” I rolled over putting my back to her since she it didn’t appear that she was going anywhere. “I don’t want to talk to him.”

  “Can you at least take a shower? You’re starting to s
mell,” the floor squeaked as she stood and walked away. “If he shows up at the door again I’m not turning him away,” she called as she walked left. Those words right there did it. The tears that I thought were gone from me came rushing back. As they leaked from my eyes, I reached down and pulled the blanket that was covering me over my head. I wanted to close out the world. I couldn’t deal with this, and facing Ryan meant I was admitting that I cared. I was going to lose him, and my heart couldn’t take that. The tears meant that he meant something to me, and watching him die was just something that I couldn’t do.

  Ryan

  I’ve called her every day since she ran away from me. I’ve stopped by Kasey’s place twice. She won’t see me, won’t talk to me; she doesn’t even acknowledge that I exist. I went to the doctor yesterday for my monthly check in. It wasn’t good, but based on the way I’ve been feeling, I kinda expected it. My kidneys are shutting down. The little bit of function that was there, it is pretty much nonexistent now. I’ve been more tired lately, and my sugar has been all over the place. Doc says that he needs to increase my treatments, and I have to cut back on work.

  Yesterday, I had the day off. After going to dialysis, I spent the afternoon with Jamie. He hasn’t been doing well, but spending time with him helps lift my spirits. That kid is amazing. As he laid there in bed, in pain, he continued to smile and laugh at me as he kicked my butt in Mario Kart. My life didn’t seem so bad after visiting him. According to his mom, the doctors are going to let him leave later in the week. The treatments stopping working, and she wants him to be at home for what’s left of his time on this Earth. I can’t say that I blame her, but I’m gonna miss the kid.

  My boss has cut my shifts back, and I found out the other day that the hospital staff have all signed up to get tested to see if they match me. No one but Marla knew about this, and when I told her about my latest checkup, she insisted that I let her tell the staff. It was awkward at first, but the support has been immeasurable. I just wish Rachel would talk to me. I didn’t plan on hiding this from her forever. I knew I’d have to tell her, but I wanted us to be in a good place when I did. We weren’t solid enough for me to rock the boat, and now I think the boat is sinking and I can’t seem to bail the water out fast enough.

  “You should stop by her place again,” Bryce lowered himself in the chair beside where I was lying. I was in for my treatment today, and he’d come down to get checked to see if he matched.

  “I’ve already done that,” I mumbled as I closed my eyes. I was tired. The more treatments I had, the more tired I became. They drained me, and lately all I wanted to do was sleep on treatment days.

  “So do it again,” his voice was more insistent. “Since when do you give up on anything that easy?”

  “Since she ran away,” I opened one eye and the moment I saw his expression, I closed it back. “I don’t want your pity, man.”

  “It’s not pity, it’s compassion,” he chuckled. “You should know this. I learned it from you.” He smacked my leg lightly. “How long you down here for today?”

  “I’ve got about thirty more minutes, but I have to rest after. I can’t drive right away. I get light headed,” I grumbled.

  “I can drive you.”

  “No thanks,” I muttered.

  “You’re going to go home and sulk, aren’t you?”

  “I do not sulk,” I cracked my eye back open.

  “You do too,” Jordan’s voice sounded from the doorway to the unit. “Hey babe,” she waved at Bryce before turning her back on us.

  “What is she doing down here?” I tried to lift my head, but the room began to spin so I laid back against the pillow on the chair I was reclined in.

  “Getting tested. Duh!” He lightly pushed on my shoulder. “I told her what Marla was doing on our floor, and she passed on the message on hers.”

  “So now the entire hospital knows about this,” I sighed as I shook my head. “I’m not helpless.”

  “No one said you were, but we all care about you. If one of us can help, we want to. Finding a live match is the best way,” his eyes softened as he stared at me and for a moment I saw Bryce’s softer side.

  “All done,” Jordan came skipping around the corner, and wrapped her arms around Bryce’s neck. “I’ve still got three more hours on my shift, so I’ll see ya later,” she leaned down and placed a quick kiss to his cheek before turning to rush out the door.

  “Thanks,” I called after her. She lifted her hand in acknowledgment, but didn’t turn around.

  “My break is almost over too. I gotta get going man,” he clapped his hand down on my shoulder. “Go see your girl. You’re bound to wear her down eventually.”

  “Yeah, maybe,” I mumbled as I let my eyes flutter closed.

  As Bryce stood to leave, Cassie came over and unhooked me. She gave me the look that said stay where you are and rest before walking away and leaving me there. “See ya around,” I murmured as Bryce walked away.

  As I drove to Kasey’s, I kept telling myself it was a bad idea. I’d already tried this, and she’d ignored me but for some reason, I kept going. It was late afternoon when I got there, and the sun was just starting to set, causing the sky to fill with an orange and purple glow. This was my favorite part of the day, and when I parked in front of the small apartment building, I just sat there staring up at the sky. Summer was in full swing, and the sounds that accompanied it were comforting. Crickets were starting to chirp and lightning bugs pelted the air. Porch lights were beginning to flick on as kids were being called indoors for dinner. I felt a pang in my chest as thoughts of never experiencing this tumbled around in my head.

  I turned off the ignition before shaking my head to clear it, then climbed from the Jeep and headed toward the door. I promised myself on the way here that if she wouldn’t see me today, I would stop bothering her. Today would be the last time I’d do this.

  Rachel

  I was awoken by a knock on the door. I laid there for a minute hoping Kasey would answer it so I didn’t have to get up, but as the pounding started up again, I noticed she wasn’t coming. I growled in frustration as I shoved the blanket off my body and stood. I glanced down and cringed at my appearance. My clothes hadn’t been changed in days, and I’m sure I smelled. I shrugged. Who the hell cared?

  The pounding started up again, so I began shuffling toward the door. “I’m coming!” I shouted as the pounding persisted. When I reached the door I twisted the lock, and tugged it open without looking to see who was standing on the other side. If I’d looked, I probably wouldn’t have opened the door because there standing in a pair of shorts and a tee was Ryan.

  He looked terrible. His ball cap was tugged down, and his chin was tipped toward his chest. His shoulders were slumped forward, and when his eyes connected with mine, they looked hollow.

  “Hey,” he whispered.

  I crossed my arms over my chest as I shook my head. I could feel my lower lip trembling as I fought to hold back the tears that seemed to be racing to the surface.

  “Please talk to me,” he reached out to cup my jaw and his thumb traced over my cheekbone.

  “There’s nothing to say,” I stepped back and attempted to close the door. I didn’t want to do this. I couldn’t.

  “No!” he snapped as he rushed far enough forward to wedge himself in the doorway. His hand gripped the door as he stepped closer, and his chest brushed up against mine. I shivered at the contact, but quickly stepped away.

  “I can’t do this,” my voice sounded so tiny I couldn’t believe it was coming from me. “I can’t.” His hand released the door as he stepped closer. Both hands cupped my face as he leaned in and pressed his forehead to mine.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “Please don’t push me away, Rachel. I love you, I love you so much that I was afraid you’d do this if I told you.” I pinched my eyes shut as his words pierced me. He loved me? I didn’t think we’d gotten that far yet. Did I love him? I knew I felt something, but I wasn’t sure
if it was love. I craved him, and wanted to be around him all the time, but love?

  “You love me?” I whispered, “then why did you lie to me?”

  “I was trying to protect you, baby,” his breath wafted across my face, and I sagged closer to his body. My eyes closed as I let his nearness comfort me. All these days I’d been pushing him away; trying to forget him and protect my heart from something that was surely going to shattered, but I couldn’t do it anymore. I think deep down I loved him too.

  “I love you too,” I sobbed as I rocked up onto my tiptoes and pressed my lips to his. His arms wrapped around me, banding me to him as he moved us farther into the apartment. I tried, but I couldn’t hold back the sobs that began to rack my body. Tears fell freely down my cheeks as he attempted to soothe me.

  “It’ll be ok. I promise,” he coaxed as he cupped the back of my head and held it to his chest. “I’m not ready to go anywhere yet.”

  “You’re gonna leave me anyway,” I cried as I wrapped my arms around his middle. The soft cotton of his shirt comforted me as I soaked his chest with my tears. “My dad wasn’t ready either. It doesn’t matter how bad you want to stay, in the end you don’t control that.”

  “Well I’m trying to,” he turned and lowered us onto the couch, pulling me into his lap in the process. “The entire hospital is trying to help,” he snuggled me into his chest as his voice lowered before continuing. “The nurses have all been getting tested to see if they match. My boss has been on a mission since my last appointment.”