Beautiful Goodbye

by Heather D'Agostino

  I stiffened at his words. “Last appointment? What happened?”

  “It’s not that big a deal. My doctor increased my dialysis, that’s all,” he murmured.

  “That’s bad, isn’t it?” I sniffed as I wiped my hand across my nose.

  “I wanna be honest with you. It’s not good, but I’m still here. They’re gonna find a match, Rach. I promise,” he tightened his hold on me and kissed the top of my head.

  “What’s involved in getting tested?” I burrowed into his chest.

  “Just a blood test,” his chest shook as his shoulders raised in a shrug.

  “Will you take me to see if I’m a match?” I tipped my head back so I could make contact with his eyes.

  “Sure,” he nodded.

  “Tomorrow,” I mumbled as I glanced down at my shirt that was stained with food, and cringed at what the rest of me must look like. My hair had to be a rat’s nest, and I’m sure I smelled.

  “It’s a date,” he pressed another kiss to my head before he turned and maneuvered us into a lying position. He yawned as he tucked my blankets around us, and we settled into a deep sleep.

  Chapter 16

  Rachel

  Over the course of the next several days, Ryan and I became even more inseparable than we were before. He’d pretty much laid everything out for me the night he showed up at Kasey’s, and now I was too scared to let him out of my sight. He was only working three days a week, and the others were spent recovering from the dialysis. His treatments made him tired, and most afternoons he went home and slept.

  I’d taken up residence at his place again, but this time I had taken clothes and my truck with me. We hadn’t agreed to me moving in, but I pretty much had. I was doing all the shopping, and taking care of Ryan. I honestly couldn’t believe he was still working. We’d had our first real argument the other night. I’d begged him to go on medical leave, but he insisted that he needed to work. It wasn’t for the money, but keeping busy kept his mind off his situation. I don’t really understand how anything could keep his mind off of it, but I stopped pushing. I didn’t want to spend all our time fighting.

  Ryan had told me just yesterday that I needed to stop worrying. He said I looked at him like he was dying. He chuckled when he said it too. I can’t fucking believe he thinks this is a joke. I’ve been trying not to get upset, but when I think about it too much I can’t help it. I’ve caught myself just staring at him wondering how long he has, if anyone has matched, if he’ll find the kidney he so desperately needs. It’s frustrating as hell, but he doesn’t seem to mind the waiting. He’s been waiting for over a year, and according to him a few more weeks won’t make much difference. The change in his treatment says otherwise though.

  Today I’m going with him to the hospital. I asked last night before we went to bed if I could go, and he actually said yes. I want to get tested to see if I’m a match. When I told Ryan he brushed me off like he thought I wasn’t serious, but I am. I know there are risks, and if I do this I’m limiting things that I’ll get out of life, but I think I’m here for a reason. I think he was meant to meet me. He’s helped me deal with the loss of the garage and what it meant to me, and I’m here to help with this.

  “You ready?” Ryan came to stand in the doorway. He was tugging on a baseball cap as he slipped his feet into a pair of leather flip-flops. His khaki shorts hung on his hips and the navy tee pulled tight across his chest. He looked good enough to eat. This illness did nothing to tarnish his looks. Aside from being tired all the time, he looked normal.

  “Just about,” I smiled as I stuffed my phone in my pocket. I had messaged Kasey and asked her how things went for her this morning. When I had told her all the details about Ryan, she had gone and gotten tested too. I all but sobbed into the phone when she told me. She was more of a sister than a best friend.

  “I can’t be late for this. I have an appointment,” he sighed as he stepped back and I breezed by.

  “I’m set now,” I pushed up onto my tiptoes and kissed his cheek as I smiled softly at him. I’d been kissing and hugging him a lot lately. Every moment was now plagued with ‘this could be the last time’ floating through my head.

  “Stop!” he narrowed his eyes as he followed me out his front door and locked up. “I’m fine. This is why I didn’t want to tell you. I knew you’d start looking at me like this. We’ve been through this,” he climbed in his Jeep and cranked the engine.

  I closed my eyes for a minute and took a few deep breaths before climbing into the passenger side. I had to remind myself that he’d been dealing with this much longer than me. He’d had time to accept the situation. I was still trying to understand it.

  “I’m sorry,” he shook his head at me as I settled into my seat. “It’s unfair of me to get upset with you, but this is why I didn’t want to tell you, Rachel. I told you about my brother. I told you how my family, the town, everyone I knew treated me. I don’t want to be known as the guy who’s dying, or your sick boyfriend. I want to be Ryan “the murse”,” he laughed at the mention of my nickname for him and I couldn’t help it… I did too. “Do you think you can do that? Think of me as Ryan?”

  Reluctantly I agreed, “Yeah, but you may have to kiss me more to help remind me.” I grinned as I rolled my head to the side to stare at him.

  “I think that could be arranged,” he smirked before pulling out onto the street and heading in the direction of the hospital.

  When we arrived at the dialysis unit, Ryan went one way as I went the other. I had to fill out several forms before I was taken into a small room, and left. It was plain white with just a chair in the corner. I slowly slinked over and sat down. The plainness gave off a depressing vibe, and I silently wondered how anyone could feel hope when they entered. An empty vial sat on the counter with an alcohol wipe and a capped syringe. I shuttered as I chewed my lower lip. Was all of this real? Was I really back here at the same hospital I’d sat at with my father as the unhooked him, and I said my final goodbyes? The memories made my heart ache and a single tear slipped down my cheek. I swiped at it as I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. I could do this. I had to.

  “Good morning Miss McKenzie,” a nurse stepped through the door causing me to jump, and my heart to race. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.” She smiled as she moved over in front of the counter where all the supplies had been laid out. “This is a great thing you’re doing here. I hope you know that.”

  I nodded as I swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat. “Yes,” it came out in a tiny whisper.

  “This won’t take long. Just a little bit of blood,” she smiled again as she turned toward me. She’d put on rubber gloves at this point, and was holding the alcohol swab between her fingers. She’d tied the rubber band around my arm, and was wiping the bend in my elbow as I took deep breaths. I did not like needles, but I’d do this for Ryan. “You ok?” she paused.

  “Un huh,” I nodded without looking at her. I was clamping down on my jaw so hard that it was starting to ache. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t. It was weird.

  “Deep breath and a little pinch,” she warned as she pressed the needle into my skin. I jumped slightly, and then relaxed as the vial filled. “All done,” she chirped as she removed the needle, and replaced it with a gauze square. She untied the rubber and placed a Band-Aid over the gauze before turning to toss her gloves in the biohazard container. “We’ll have the results in just a few days. Sit there and relax for a minute if you need to, and then meet me at the front desk. I’ll take you to Ryan then.” She smiled at me one last time before slipping out the door and leaving me there alone.

  My feet faltered slightly when the nurse led me to Ryan. He was sitting in what looked like a recliner. Machines were whirring around him, and an IV was hooked up to his arm. His eyes were closed as if he were sleeping, but as I moved closer he opened one and a smile began to form.

  “Hey,” he grinned at me like he hadn’t just seen me a half hour ago.<
br />
  “Hi,” I waved lamely as I shifted on my feet.

  “Come here,” he motioned and a few seconds later a chair appeared with an orderly. “It’s ok,” he sounded tired, and I nodded as I moved closer. I lowered myself onto the chair and fidgeted nervously as Ryan’s eyes closed again. “Relax. I’m fine,” he muttered as he shifted in the chair.

  “No, you’re not,” I mumbled as I shook my head.

  “Yes,” he opened his eyes and rolled his head in my direction as his free arm reached over and he grabbed my hand, “I am. I’m not going anywhere, Rach. I’m not ready to.”

  “I know,” I nodded as I squeezed his fingers tighter.

  We sat there talking about nothing in particular for the next four hours. The time moved quicker than I thought it would, and at one point, I forgot we were in a hospital. Bryce had stopped in and so had Jordan. I’m guessing they heard Ryan was there from one of the other nurses. Word seemed to travel fast in this hospital because they all knew I was with him, and that he’d finally told me about all of this. Cassie, Ryan’s dialysis nurse, had stopped in to let him know that they hadn’t found a match yet and before she left she gave us the one piece of information that Ryan insisted on not discussing. His parents.

  I found out from Cassie that Ryan’s doctors had told him the same thing. His mom or dad was his best bet in finding a match. They could donate the easiest too. There were paperwork and policies involved when you weren’t a blood relative. Since they were his parents, they could donate much easier. There was still a process, but it wasn’t as strict. Ryan was adamant though. He didn’t want to have anything to do with them. They’d broken that bond when they blamed him for his brother Josh’s death, and he wasn’t about to beg them for help. His words, not mine.

  When we left the hospital, we headed back to Ryan’s place. It was near dinnertime and he was tired. We were going to cook dinner together, and then watch a movie. We’d stopped at the store on the way home, and I’d grabbed the stuff to make grilled chicken and mixed vegetables.

  “Don’t you think you should at least call them?” I began placing the chicken in a glass dish.

  Ryan froze at his position beside me. “No,” he snapped. “I don’t.”

  “But they’re your parents,” I pushed. I could feel the anger radiating off him, but I couldn’t help pushing the issue. I thought about my dad, and how upset I would have been if I hadn’t been able to be there for him.

  “I’m already dead to them,” he scoffed as a self-deprecating laugh rolled out of him. “They don’t care.”

  “I’m sure they do,” I huffed as I abandoned the chicken and turned to face him.

  “So we’re doing this now, huh?” he tossed his hands in the air and sighed. I knew he was tired and frustrated that I wouldn’t let this drop, but they were his best chance and I couldn’t let that go. I needed to try.

  “I just don’t understand,” I growled as I waved my hands in the air. “They’re your parents. What type of parent doesn’t want to help their child? What parent would let their son die over something like this?”

  “You weren’t there when it happened. You didn’t see the way they looked at me; how they ignored me, for weeks!” his voice raised as his face reddened. “I tried to make things right with them. I begged them to forgive me, only they wouldn’t,” he was yelling at this point and advancing toward me. I’d abandoned the chicken and was slowly backing up until I felt my back hit the kitchen wall. “They don’t care!” he shouted as one of his fists slammed into the wall above my head, denting the drywall. “Fuck!” he growled.

  Before I could say anything else, he spun and stormed away from me. His feet thundered up the stairs and moments later, I heard the door to his bedroom slam shut. I jumped and cringed as something smashed against what I’m guessing was a wall. I heard whatever it was shatter, and that brought the tears. I cried for him as realization of what he’d kept bottled inside began to leak out. He’d met his capacity, and I’d caused him to overflow. Now I don’t think I was going to be able to stop it. The only ones who could were the ones he refused to talk to… his mom and dad, and it didn’t look like that would be happening any time soon.

  Chapter 17

  Rachel

  “Ry?” I knocked lightly on the bedroom door before slowly turning the knob, and stepping into the darkened room. The curtains were closed, and Ryan was draped across his bed lying on his stomach. The lamp that usually sits on the nightstand was shattered into pieces on the floor along with a picture that I hadn’t seen before. I carefully tiptoed around the mess as I attempted to pick it up. I didn’t want to wake him, and I wasn’t sure how he’d feel about me snooping.

  When I lifted the silver frame, two young boys were staring back at me. One was unmistakably Ryan. His sandy hair was messy, and he was dressed in only a pair of denim shorts. One hand was clutching a fishing pole while the other was ruffling the boy’s hair next to him. He stood about a head taller, and you could tell by their features that they were related. The younger of the two had to be Josh. He was wearing a t-shirt and holding up a stringer of fish for whomever was taking the photo to see.

  My chest tightened as I stared at the image. They looked happy and you could see the pride in their faces. I had wished when I was younger to have a sibling, but after watching the aftermath of losing one, I’m not sure who lucked out here. The glass was cracked right down the middle, splitting the photo in half. I traced it with my index finger as I walked across the room and placed the frame on the dresser. I knew he was hurting, but I wished just once he would let the walls down and let me in. I’d seen glimpses of what was inside, but every time I pushed for more, he shut me out.

  “I’m sorry,” his voice was garbled from sleep and I jumped at the sound of it. When I turned around, he had moved his head so he was facing me.

  “You don’t have to be sorry. I’m sorry I pushed you. It’s none of my business,” I glanced back at where the photo was sitting on the dresser before moving toward the bed. “I just,” I swallowed as I placed my palm on his back, “I care about you, and I think you should take every chance you have to get better.” I took a few deep breaths, preparing myself for the wrath he might unleash on me for bringing it up again.

  The muscles in his back tightened and I heard him suck in a breath. “Drop it, Rach. It’s not happening and I don’t want to talk about it anymore, ok?”

  “Fine,” I sighed as I leaned over and pressed a kiss to his cheek. I knew deep down that I couldn’t drop it, but if telling him I would was enough to move past whatever this was then I’d agree to it for now. “Are you hungry? You need to eat so you don’t have another episode with your sugar.”

  “Not really,” he mumbled as his eyes fluttered closed. “I’m just tired.”

  “How about I go fix us something, and bring it in here. We can eat in bed and then I’ll give you a backrub.” I leaned down and pressed a kiss to his shoulder as I ran my fingers through his hair. He sighed as his body relaxed farther into the mattress before he nodded slightly.

  “Ok,” he murmured and I kissed him one more time before sliding off the bed to go back to the abandoned chicken in the kitchen. The last thing I needed was Ryan passing out from low sugar, and I needed to come up with a plan. Despite what he wanted, his parents needed to know what was going on with him, and by the sound of things he never had any intention of telling them. They were his best bet at survival here, and I didn’t plan on giving that up without a fight.

  “You don’t have to come today if you don’t want to,” Ryan was sipping some coffee in the kitchen as I munched on my toast. Two days had passed, and I was no closer to convincing him to call his parents than I had been before. “They’re putting a port in today, and it might take a little longer.”

  “A port?” my head tipped to the side in confusion. Sometimes he forgot that I didn’t know all the lingo, and he spoke to me as if I were a colleague. “What’s that?”

  He chuckled lightly
and pushed his shirt up above his elbow. “You see this bruise,” he pointed at his arm, “and this one over here?” he lifted the other sleeve.

  I nodded, “Oh Ryan.” It looked painful, but he never complained.

  He shook his head at me. “It doesn’t hurt… yet. A port is kinda like a permanent IV. They insert it here,” he pointed to a spot along his collarbone. “When I go for treatment, they just hook me up. No more sticking me with needles,” he lifted a shoulder in a shrug.

  “Does it hurt when they put it in?” I watched him intently.

  “Only if they don’t know what they’re doing,” he chuckled. “I’ve been a practice dummy for new nurses before and med students.”

  “Ouch,” I giggled, “that doesn’t sound good.”

  “It’s not, but sometimes they’re cute,” he winked at me before turning to dump the remainder of his coffee down the drain.

  “Haha,” I grumbled as I rolled my eyes.

  “How about I pick up some takeout on my way home? It’ll be mealtime by then. We can curl up and watch a movie or something,” his wiggled his brows, causing me to laugh. It felt good. We hadn’t laughed in days, and for a moment I almost forgot about why he was going back to the hospital again.

  “Ok. I might hang out with Kasey for a little bit if you’re sure you don’t want me there,” I fidgeted in my seat. The truth was if I didn’t go with him, I could follow through on my plan. I was going to see Kasey, but it was just to pick her up. I had something much more important to do than hang out.

  “It’s not that I don’t want you there, Rach. It’s that it’s going to be boring. I have to stay longer today, and there’s nothing for you to do. I’ll probably listen to music and nap during my treatment, that’s all.” He sighed as he pushed off the counter and came over to stand in front of me. “I love having you with me. Do you understand that?” he reached for my hands, and when I took them, he pulled me up to stand in front of him. Our chests pressed together as he bent his neck down. His lips were right at my forehead as he leaned impossibly closer. “I always want you with me,” his breath brushed across my face as his voice turned into a whisper, “but I know this isn’t fun for you, and I’m not going anywhere today. I promise,” he kissed me lightly on the forehead before using his index finger to tip my chin up so he could look into my eyes. The edge of his mouth curled up on one side in a smirk before he kissed the tip of my nose, and then moved to my lips. It was soft, sweet, and full of promise. It almost made me feel guilty about what I’d planned to do. Almost, but not enough to keep me from doing it.