Beautiful Goodbye

by Heather D'Agostino

  He slowly spun on his heel before giving a relieved nod and quickly jogging up my front steps. “Thank you,” he pursed his lips together as he brushed by me, and into my house.

  “We were eating dinner. You can talk while I eat, then your time’s up,” I gave a quick jerk of my head before closing the door, and going back to my spot at the table.

  “You have a nice place,” my father lowered himself into the chair directly to my right. Rachel was quietly eating in the seat across from me. She was refusing to make eye contact, but the corner of her mouth was curving up as if she were trying to hold back a smile. It made sense. She’d done this, and although she was happy that her plan was working, I think she was scared of how I’d react.

  “I really don’t feel like doing the whole father/son thing right now. I’m tired, so just say whatever you came here to say and leave,” I picked my fork back up and took another bite of my salad.

  “Fair enough,” his head bobbed as he leaned back in the chair and crossed one foot up onto his knee. “I’m sorry,” he paused and rubbed his knuckles along his jaw. “I’m sorry for not being the father you’ve deserved over the past nine years.”

  “Oh, that’s rich,” I rolled my eyes and scoffed. “Sorry? That’s the best you can do? You’ve put me through hell. You treated me like I didn’t exist. You didn’t even let me sit with the family at his funeral, Dad,” I slapped the table, causing it to shake. “Why now? Because I’m sick?”

  “I can’t lose another son. Not when I can do something to stop it,” his lip quivered and for a moment I thought he might cry, but he sniffed and cleared his throat, burying whatever emotion was trying to get out.

  “So I’m your son now? What? Something big happening at work? Need to look good for the bosses? What?” I was so angry, but the hurt was so much worse. I’d never gotten the one thing that I wanted from him… forgiveness. He’d never once told me that it wasn’t my fault; that he knew it was an accident. He never once hugged me, or told me that it would be ok.

  He reached out across the table and clasped my forearm tightly, “I love you, and I’m sorry for not being the father that you deserved. I want to make it right,” he swallowed. “I’ll be a donor for you, and then maybe we can fix all the other stuff. I need you to live for me to be able to do that though.”

  “Does Mom know you’re here?” I cocked my head to the side.

  The hope on his face fell as guilt filled its place. “No. I told her I was running into the office.”

  “That’s what I thought,” I shook my head in disgust. “Of course she wouldn’t know. The great Maryanne Mitchell can’t have her son ruining her reputation and all,” I shouted as I flung my arm in the air.

  “I’ll deal with your mother. Please,” he begged. “Please let me help you.”

  The feelings of need, want, and desire all mixed with the anger and resentment I’d kept bottled up inside. The emotions were all fighting for dominance, but when I looked over and saw the hope on Rachel’s face, I knew I needed to bury the anger. If not for myself, than at least for her.

  Rachel

  I watched as the two of them squared off at the table. Ryan’s jaw was flexing as he ground his teeth together in anger, and David just sat there staring. As I watched them, I knew where Ryan got his stubbornness from. Neither seemed to be willing to back down, and then finally I saw David break.

  “I need to go,” he murmured as he pushed back from the table. “Call me when you come to your senses,” he pulled a business card from his pants pocket and slid it across the table with his index finger.

  Ryan refused to even acknowledge him, but I smiled. “Thank you, Mr. Mitchell,” I whispered as David rounded the table and strode toward the front door. Ryan sat unmoving as his father left. He didn’t even make eye contact. He just sat and stared at the table. When the door clicked shut, his head fell forward and sagged between his shoulders before he released a deep breath.

  “I know you’re trying to help, but please don’t do whatever you did today to cause that.” When he uttered the word that he stabbed his finger in the air, and snapped his eyes in my direction. “You don’t know the shit storm you just stirred up,” he growled before picking up his sandwich and resumed eating.

  “I was just trying to help,” I mumbled feebly.

  “I know,” he sighed as he wiped his mouth, “but help from them doesn’t come without a price. When my mother finds out that he was here… let’s just say you don’t want to be around for that scene.”

  “Are you going to at least call him?” she begged.

  I didn’t want to, but I knew I needed to. He could save me from all of this. One simple procedure and I’d be good as new. I’d get the life back that I had before. Rachel and I could be happy, but did I deserve that? Happiness? Could I take the chance that my father really did want to help, and that his love for me would out-weigh his grief?

  “He can save your life Ryan,” she scooted closer and covered my hands with hers. Squeezing them, she tugged to get my attention. “Think about what Josh would want. He’d want you to live. To be happy. To love. I love you. Please do this. Do this for me.”

  “I don’t want to talk about this right now,” he muttered as he pulled his hands away and grabbed the container he salad was in to throw away. He shoved back from the table, tossed it in the trash, and then stormed off toward the stairs, leaving me there alone in the kitchen.

  I sat there for quite some time just staring off into space. I understood why he was mad, sort of. I’d gone behind his back and to the one person that he was the angriest with, his parents. I’d hoped that he’d see my deception as an act of love, and he’d overlook the lie. I guess I was wrong though because when I finally decided to go upstairs, I found the bedroom door locked.

  “Ryan,” I knocked softly and then jiggled the knob. No sound came from the other side so I knocked again. “Please let me in. We need to talk about this.” I let my head fall against the door as I jiggled the knob again.

  Finally, I heard shuffling on the other side. “I think you should go back to Kasey’s,” his voice was void of emotion.

  “You don’t mean that,” I whispered. “Open the door so we can talk.”

  “I’m really tired, Rach, and I’m afraid if we talk I’m going to say something that I don’t really mean. You should go back to Kasey’s tonight. I need some time right now to process all this, and I can’t do that with you here.”

  “Ryan?” my lip trembled as I placed my palm flat on the door, imagining him on the other side doing the same thing. “Please don’t do this. I’m sorry.”

  “I’m sorry too. Goodnight, Rach. Lock the door on your way out,” his voice trailed off like he was moving away from the door.

  I stood there in silence in the dark hallway trying to make myself move. I was too stunned to do anything, though. The light that was peeking under the door went out, taking away the little bit of light I had, and plunging me into total darkness. I turned, took the three paces it took to get to the top of the steps, lowered myself to a sitting position, and cried. I cried for the boy who’d been ignored for most of his adult life. I cried for the father who missed out on the wonderful man his son had become. I cried for the mother who was so bitter she couldn’t see past her own grief, and cried for what could have been for us. Ryan was the type of man my father wanted for me. He loved with all his heart, and put everyone else in his life first. Now he just needed to put himself first.

  After drying my tears, I stumbled in the darkness down the stairs and out the front door. After checking to make sure the lock caught, I called Kasey and waited. If I had any hope of fixing whatever was going on in Ryan’s head, I needed to give him the space he needed. He was the one who had to decide where to go from here. I couldn’t force him to take his father’s offer, but I also couldn’t be here when he said no. If he was going to turn down his chance at life, I had to be as far from him as possible. I couldn’t go through another goodbye like my da
d’s.

  Chapter 20

  Rachel

  Kasey and I didn’t talk the entire ride to her place, and when we arrived, I went straight to the bedroom I’d been using and cried myself to sleep. I didn’t want to admit that Ryan might not take his father’s offer. When he’d shown up last night, I felt hope for the first time in a long time. I hadn’t felt that happiness since I’d met Ryan, and now his stubbornness was going to take it all away.

  Kasey’s been in this room several times this morning, but I have no desire to do anything other than sleep. I’ve shut out the outside world, and don’t really want to be part of this new reality. I feel kinda lost. At least when I was trying to help Ryan I felt like I had a purpose. It was nice. After the garage closed, I didn’t know what I’d do with my time. I’ve spent so much time helping him that I almost forgot that I don’t have a job. Ryan had suggested last week that I start my own towing business. I still have the truck, and I could work for myself again just providing tows to whoever needs them in the surrounding towns. I haven’t really looked into it. I guess it would work, but right now I’m not really motivated to do anything.

  “Rach?” I could hear Kasey calling down the hallway. I think that’s her way of warning me that she’s coming, because lately she just walks in, whether my door is closed or not. “You need to make up with him. I can’t watch you do this to yourself,” she marched in with a cup of coffee in her hand.

  “He wanted space. He hasn’t called,” I glanced off in the distance as I took the mug from her.

  “Get up!” she pushed at the bed. “We’re going to see what his problem is. Call him,” she tossed my phone on the bed beside me.

  “No!” I growled as my head swung in her direction.

  “I’m not watching you give up. I know you love him, and he loves you. I don’t understand why the two of you are punishing yourselves. If he doesn’t get a kidney, then he’s on borrowed time. Why would he want to use that time fighting?” she stood and stormed over to the chair in the corner of the room. She picked up a t-shirt I had draped over it the night before, and flung it at me. “Get dressed or I’m making you go over there like that,” her eyes darted down to the cami and panties I was wearing. “On second thought, he might like that better.”

  “Kase!” I shrieked as I glanced down at myself.

  “What? Don’t tell me that he doesn’t enjoy looking at you in something like that, or maybe even a lot less,” she giggled as she moved to the door. “Now, get dressed. We’re leaving in twenty minutes,” she wagged her finger before disappearing, leaving me sitting there stunned.

  When we pulled up to the front of Ryan’s house, his Jeep wasn’t in its usual parking spot. The white BMW from the Mitchell’s house was there instead. I narrowed my eyes as I stared at it for moment before pushing my door open and climbing out. The sun was bright in the summer sky, and I cupped my hand above my eyes to block some of the harsh sunlight as I scanned the yard.

  “This is all your fault,” her voice rang through the air, piercing me when it met my ears. I spun in the direction it came from, only to come face-to-face with Maryanne Mitchell. Her hair was tied back in the same style as the last time I saw her, and she was wearing a pair of slacks and a navy blouse. Her cheeks were tinged with pink. I couldn’t tell if the heat or anger had caused it.

  “E e ex excuse m me? I stuttered as I stepped back and stumbled before catching myself on the car door.

  “They’re at the hospital,” she fumed as she stared me down. “He came out here because of you. He left before I even woke up. He’s here because you made him feel guilty!” she lifted her hand as if she were going to slap me, but balled it into a fist as she tamped down the anger.

  “I don’t understand,” I watched her. She was so mad that her words were coming out jumbled. I assumed she was upset with Ryan or her husband, but I was coming in late to the situation, and she was assuming I knew more than I actually did.

  “David got up at the crack of dawn today. He left a note apologizing for going behind my back. He said he’d be at the hospital, and would need me to pick him up this evening because he wouldn’t be able to drive,” she spoke slowly as if she thought I wouldn’t understand her any other way as she moved closer, pausing about three feet in front of me.

  “So why are you here?” I shook my head as I wrinkled my brow.

  “I was waiting for you. I knew you were behind this. Everything was fine until you came along!” she growled as she stabbed her finger in the air in my direction. “You show up, and then he goes against everything we agreed to. He’s risking his life!” she shrieked louder.

  “He’s saving your son!” I fired right back.

  “I don’t’ have a son,” she huffed.

  “Yes, you do!” I moved closer. I was pissed at this point. I don’t understand how a mother could be so heartless. “He’s a wonderful man. He loves with all his heart. He puts everyone else first, and only thinks of himself after the fact. He works hard, and doesn’t give up on anything or anyone. He’s honest and trusting. He loves me, and despite how you treat him, he loves you too. How can you be mad at your husband for wanting to help his only living son?” Tears streamed down my face as I watched her. No smile. No frown. No reaction whatsoever to any of the words I’d thrown at her. “How can you let him die when you have the solution he needs?”

  “It’s his fault,” her lip trembled as she shook her head. “It’s his fault that Josh died. He was driving when he shouldn’t have been. He should have called us for a ride.”

  “It was an accident, and he was just a kid.” I sighed as I turned to go back to my door. Kasey was still in the car, and nodded when I stopped to face Mrs. Mitchell once again. “You have to forgive him. Don’t lose him too,” with that I climbed back in the car and shut my door. I needed to get to the hospital, and I needed to get there now.

  Ryan

  It was five a.m. when the beeper went off. At first I thought I was dreaming, then I thought I must be hearing things. I’d rubbed the sleep from my eyes and rolled over to see the light flashing on it. I carried it everywhere with me. It was my connection to United Network for Organ Sharing. The hospital gave it to me when I moved up on the list. I have to keep it with me at all times, and if a kidney becomes available that matches me, that’s how they let me know.

  I never thought the thing would actually go off, but now it’s buzzing in my hand and I’m shaking in disbelief. I called the hospital thinking it might be a mistake, but was informed that Dr. Leeds was prepping for surgery, and they needed me to get there as soon as possible. I quickly jumped in the shower, tossed on some clothes, packed an overnight bag, and took off. My brain was a little scattered and it didn’t even phase me that I hadn’t called Rachel.

  When I arrived at the hospital, I sat in the parking garage for a few moments and prayed. I didn’t know how I was getting this kidney, but I wanted to send up a prayer for the family that was losing someone that I was going to benefit from. What was going to be a good day for me, was a bad day for someone else.

  After a few moments, I took several deep breaths and made my way inside. From the moment I approached the check-in desk, to being rolled down the hall on a gurney, time flew by. I’d been poked, prodded, and shaved, and now I was just waiting. “You’re going to feel a little woozy. Don’t fight it, just relax,” one of the nurses in the hallway began pushing something into my IV. I nodded as the world faded away into darkness.

  “Ryan?” her voice was soft as I struggled to open my eyes. “Hey,” she smiled at me and squeezed my hand that was resting on my stomach. I blinked a few times as my vision cleared before I smiled back. My side ached, and when I tried to shift in the bed, a slight pain shot through me. It was a natural reaction to grimace, and Rachel pushed the red call button on my bed immediately.

  “When did you get here?” I forced the words out. My throat felt scratchy, and Rachel seemed to be able to read my mind because she held a cup with a straw out for
me to get a drink.

  “I came over to your house this morning. Your mom told me,” she cringed as if she spilled a secret. I guess my expression showed shock because she barreled on. “Your dad donated. He’s in recovery down the hall. Everything’s fine, and you’re going to be ok,” she smiled again and her eyes welled with tears. “I’m sorry,” she sobbed. “I’m sorry I got in the middle of all this. I just… I love you…and I can’t lose you,” she buried her face in the sheets near my side as her arms wrapped around me.

  “Say it again,” I whispered.

  “I can’t lose you,” her voice was muffled as she stayed face down in the covers.

  “No, the other part,” I lifted my hand and ran my fingers through her hair.

  Her head lifted, and red puffy eyes met mine. “I love you Ryan. I love you so much. I know we haven’t known each other long, but I feel like we can get through anything now.” She tugged her lower lip between her teeth and bit down.

  “I know. I love you too,” I tried to sit up, but my incision hurt and caused me to give up and relax into the pillows. She laughed lightly at my frustration before slowly standing and leaning over the bed. “You need to rest,” she murmured as she leaned in and pressed her mouth to mine. “You can tell me how sorry you are about last night in a few days when you can actually make it up to me,” she mumbled against my lips.

  “You can count on it,” I chuckled and then hissed at the pain.

  A nurse came in and pushed some pain meds into my IV, causing my eye lids to grow heavy. The last thing I saw was the nurse slipping out the door to my room, and my mother standing in the distance. I wasn’t sure if what I was seeing was real, or if it was drugs.

  Rachel