A Right to Remain

by Beth Rinyu

  She moved closer and rubbed her hand up and down my arm. “It’s okay, Quinn, sometimes you just have to get it out, no matter where you are.”

  I shook my head and raked my hand through my hair. “Should it be easier for me because I’m a man and didn’t give birth to him?” She shook her head and gave me a sympathetic gaze. “Because it’s like my feelings don’t exist. Everyone keeps telling me how I need to be sensitive to Sara’s feelings. What about mine? He was my baby too. It hurt me just as badly as Sara to watch him suffer for those few days he was here.” I looked up at the sky, trying my hardest not to cry in front of her.

  She moved closer to me, and I sucked in the scent of her sweet perfume. Her warm soft hand moved down my cheek. “Quinn, your feelings matter a lot. It’s okay to be upset, and it’s okay to cry.” Her thumb moved under my eye and wiped away a tear. “We all deal with grief differently, but don’t ever feel as if your feelings don’t matter. When you get to thinking that way, call me. Okay? I promise I will be there to listen for however long you need me to. Your feelings matter to me, Quinn.”

  “Thanks, Lacey,” I whispered.

  “Anytime.” She took me a little off guard when she moved closer and hugged me tightly. I lifted my arms and hugged her back. It felt so good to be holding her in my arms. There was just something about Lacey that was so genuine. Maybe it was because of everything she had been through herself that allowed her to relate to other people’s pain so well. I wasn’t sure exactly what it was, but it was definitely something. As her gentle hand moved up my back and she hugged me tighter, I finally felt as if my voice was heard and my feelings really did matter to someone.

  ***

  My eyes peeled open to the bright sunlight peeking through the window. I was so out of it that it took me a while to realize I was on Lacey’s couch. I sat up and rubbed my eyes, looking around for any sign of Lacey or Gus.

  “Hey, sleepyhead!” Lacey exclaimed as she and Gus came in from their morning walk. Gus jumped on the couch and greeted me with kisses.

  “I don’t even remember falling asleep last night.”

  “Well, let’s see...we were about five minutes into the movie and you were out for the count. I tried waking you up, but you weren’t having it.”

  I raked my hand through my hair. “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be. It’s fine.”

  I began to fold the blanket up that was covering me, and she stopped me.

  “I got that.”

  She walked over to the coffee pot and poured me a cup. “Thanks,” I said as she handed it to me. I took a sip and gathered my thoughts. “I was thinking about going to the cemetery today.”

  She looked at me thoughtfully and smiled. “Good.”

  “Yeah. I think that visit is long overdue.” I decided to switch gears and lighten the mood a bit. “So why aren’t you out shopping?”

  “Oh, I loathe shopping on Black Friday.”

  I shook my head and laughed. She was the polar opposite of Sara who would set the alarm to three a.m., falling for the made up sales the stores advertised. I never understood the reasoning behind it. She would always look at me like I was crazy when I would question it.

  “Well, I better go take a shower and be on my way before I lose my nerve.”

  “There’s nothing to be nervous about, Quinn. You’re going to visit your child. A child you created, and even though you didn’t know him for very long, a child you loved with all your heart, and I’m sure if he had been given the opportunity, he would have loved you with all of his.”

  “I know.” I loved how she helped to put everything into perspective. I threw back the rest of my coffee and headed upstairs to shower. There was a plethora of text messages that had come through after I fell asleep last night. My sister, my chief, my dad, and Sara. I looked them all over before taking extra time with the one from Sara.

  Happy Thanksgiving. Can you please call me so we can talk?

  When was she going to realize there was nothing left to talk about? I was finally feeling halfway decent after hanging out with Lacey all day yesterday. I wasn’t going to ruin that by calling Sara and dealing with the inevitable.

  After taking a quick shower and getting dressed, I was on my way for my overdue visit. The gray November day was so fitting of the way I was feeling inside as I walked up the hill to his grave. I looked around at the different dates etched on the headstones, all with many years between their birth and death. Then there was my son’s. Five days. He only had five days on this earth. Five days of pain and suffering. It just didn’t seem fair. I took a deep breath when I reached his gravesite that was lined with teddy bears thanks to my mother and sister who would visit frequently. Maybe I was a terrible person. What kind of father doesn’t even come to visit his child’s grave? I bent down and etched my fingers over his name Andrew James Lavery. Such a strong name for a strong little boy who fought with all he had. “Hey, buddy. I’m sorry this is the first time I’ve come to visit you, but I think about you every single day. I hope you know how much I love you, and I will never forget you as long as I live. You will always be in my heart.” I swallowed hard, chasing away the baseball-sized lump that was in my throat. “I know you’re in a better place now. Lacey says you’re an angel, and I really want to believe that.” I wiped my cheek with the back of my hand, taking a seat on the ground and sitting in silence. Lacey was right, there was nothing to be nervous about. I closed my eyes and was filled with an inner peace I hadn’t felt in a very long time. It was one that was reserved for just me and my boy.

  Chapter 16

  Lacey

  “Two more weeks until Christmas break. How did this happen so quickly?” Julia asked as we were finishing up dinner.

  “I don’t know. It’s crazy how quickly time is flying by.”

  “So, are you heading back up to Boston for Christmas?”

  I took a sip of water before shaking my head. “I really have no reason to go back there for Christmas.” Even though Julia tried her hardest to find out about my life prior to coming here, I was very limited with the information I gave out. All she knew was my husband had passed away.

  “Well, don’t you still have family up there?”

  “No, I don’t.”

  Her eyes widened in disbelief. “Well, what about Adam?” She smiled.

  “Oh, no. Adam does his own thing with his family on holidays.”

  “Really? Because he said he wasn’t doing much of anything this year.”

  I creased my eyebrows in confusion. “How do you know?”

  Her smile grew wider. “We’ve been getting to know each other through private messages on Facebook.”

  “Oh…h-he never mentioned that to me.”

  She shrugged. “Well, it’s not that big of a deal, but…you never know.”

  I nodded, trying not to show I was bothered by it. Why would Adam encourage that? It wasn’t like he didn’t have women falling all over him at home. Why would he start up an online friendship with one who was miles away? My heart began to race, wondering how much he had told her about me. I knew how prying Julia could be, and I hoped Adam didn’t fall into that trap and leak any of my past to her.

  “Well, I don’t want to sound like a Debbie Downer but Adam is a player, Julia. I love him to death, but I wouldn’t set him up with any of my girlfriends because I know how he is.”

  “People can change.” She raised her eyebrow and threw in the money for her portion of the bill. “I’d take him for even just one night.” She giggled.

  I laughed as well, hoping to cover my discomfort over this new relationship that was forming. If he were to slip to Julia, the whole school would know my story within a matter of minutes. I took my phone from my purse and laid it on the table while I fumbled through my wallet for my money. My phone beeped with a text message as I was deep in thought, trying to figure out the tip.

  “Who’s Quinn?” Julia asked. I lifted my head and directed my attention to my phone, finding a text m
essage from Quinn letting me know he had let Gus out, and he was up at his place hanging with him. Julia looked down at the table deep in thought before lowering her jaw. “Oh my God! Quinn Lavery?” she shrieked.

  “Shhh…” I requested upon seeing the people next to us turning their heads to stare at her over her outburst.

  “Sorry,” she whispered. “But was that text from Quinn Lavery?” I was flabbergasted over her blatant nosiness.

  I let out a deep breath, not wanting to get into this with her, but I knew I had no other choice. “Yeah, he—”

  “Oh my God!” she shouted once again. “Are you seeing him? Lacey, he is so freakin’ hot!”

  “No, no, no! I’m not seeing him. I’m renting his place from him, and he lives upstairs. He was letting me know he let my dog out for me.”

  “And?”

  “And. That’s it.”

  “Lacey, come on! I want the scoop! I had such a crush on him back in the day!”

  “There is no scoop, Julia. I hardly know anything about him.” I totally lied. She didn’t need to know I had considered him as my one and only true friend. I would never break Quinn’s confidence by telling anyone what we talked about, especially not Julia.

  I threw my money in the check bill and stood up, hoping she would switch topics. “I don’t get you,” she continued as we walked out of the restaurant. “You’re surrounded by these handsome men, and it doesn’t even faze you. If Quinn Lavery lived upstairs from me, I would be having him take care of me as well as my dog.”

  I rolled my eyes, picking up the pace to get to my Jeep. “He’s married, Julia.”

  “Umm…hello? His wife is a bitch who cheated on him, and based on what we had seen that night a few months ago in this very parking lot, it looks like he’s over it.”

  I wanted so badly to tell her to mind her own business, but I remained composed. “Well, Julia, things aren’t always as they seem. So you really shouldn’t go around making assumptions like that.”

  She waved her hand in a dismissing manner before saying our goodbyes and getting in our cars. Sometimes she could be so infuriating. I pulled up Adam in my contacts and put him on speaker phone as I pulled out of the restaurant.

  “Hey, Lace, what’s up?” he answered right away.

  “Not much. I heard you made a new friend.”

  “Umm…do you care to enlighten me?”

  “Julia.”

  He was quiet for a second, seeming like he was trying to gather his thoughts. “Oh, that chick you work with?”

  “Yes.”

  “I wouldn’t say we’re friends. More like she stalks me on Facebook.”

  “Well, listen, Adam. Whatever you guys are doing on there, please don’t tell her anything about me. She likes to talk…a lot, and I really don’t need everyone at work knowing about my past. I’m trying to put all that behind me.”

  “Okay, and what makes you think I would ever say anything to her about that?” His voice rose in defense.

  “I’m not saying you would. I just don’t want anything to slip to her. I know how meddlesome she can be.”

  He expelled an annoyed breath. “Really, Lacey? Maybe you should be a little less worried about me saying something and a little more worried about your boyfriend saying something.”

  “My boyfriend?”

  “Yeah. The guy you’re so freely spilling your guts to.”

  “He is not my boyfriend, Adam. He’s a friend, and it’s not for you to worry about who I choose to divulge my past to. That’s my business and my business only,” I snapped.

  “I’m sorry, Lacey. It’s been a long day. You have my word. I won’t say anything to her.”

  I sucked in my bottom lip, still feeling a little uneasy over his newfound friendship with Julia. “Fine, Adam. I’m tired too, and I just got home, so I’m gonna head inside and go to bed.”

  “Okay. Good night, Lacey.”

  “Yeah. Good night.”

  I hung up the phone, analyzing the conversation that had just occurred in my head. Adam was my last tie to my old life, and for a while I hung onto that thread because I still wanted some connection to Aaron. The stronger I was becoming, the more I felt like I was able to cut that cord and still keep Aaron in my heart forever. I had been dragging my feet with signing over the business because I knew it was Aaron’s pride and joy, but I felt as if the time had come to finally break free. How I had wished my therapist was closer. It was times like this I needed her to tell me it was okay to let go and move on. I scanned through my emails, searching for the one my therapist had sent me with the information of a local support group. I had been putting off checking it out, but I was now putting it at the top of my list of things to do.

  ***

  “Hi, I’m Lacey.” I didn’t even recognize the meekness in my own voice as I stepped inside of the community room of the little church a few towns over from where I lived.

  “Hi, Lacey, I’m Camille.” A petite attractive woman who looked to be in her fifties extended her hand to me.

  “I’m sorry, I know I’m late. I kind of got lost.”

  “No worries. Come and have a seat.” I sat down at the table and she sat opposite me. “I’m glad you reached out to us. Let me tell you a little bit about our group and then you can tell me a little bit about yourself. Typically we meet up the second Saturday of the month and every Tuesday night. You can come as much as you want or as little as you want. And then, of course, you can always call or email anytime you need to, and one of us will be back in touch with you immediately. We like to keep everything we discuss in our meetings confidential and if you’re more comfortable with the one-on-one setting, we’re happy to do that as well. None of us are licensed counselors. We’re a group of women who have all been through the same thing and are here to support each other.” Her gentle gaze met mine. She nodded as if she was reading my thoughts. “Yes, Lacey…I was a victim too.”

  “I just…I just never talked to anyone else who has been through it. I kind of feel like a freak of nature.”

  “I know exactly how you feel, honey. You feel damaged, dirty, unworthy of love.” My eyes filled with tears over her words and how she was touching upon exactly how I was feeling. I wiped the tear that was rolling down my face. “You’re not any of those things, Lacey. The person who did this to you is. How long ago did it happen?”

  “Two years ago,” I whispered.

  “It’s still so new. Mine was over thirty years ago and even though I’ve long moved on, it’s still with me. Can I ask you how it happened? Was it someone you knew?”

  I shook my head and closed my eyes, trying to muster up the courage to tell this story once again. After a lot of tears and even more tissues, I was able to get my whole story out to Camille.

  She reached over the table and took my hand in hers. Her light blue eyes were calm and soothing. “Oh, Lacey, I am so very sorry.”

  I nodded as I dabbed my eyes with the tissue. “How did you find the courage to move on? I mean, there are days I feel really good, and I think I could do it. Then there are others where it takes everything inside of me just to get out of bed.”

  She sighed. “You just do. There’s really no methodology. It’s just a matter of time. You’re not only trying to get over your rape, but you are also still grieving the loss of your husband, and that’s a lot for one person to take in, but you’re doing it.” She gave me a warm smile, staring straight ahead with tears in her eyes. “I was twenty-two and had just gotten engaged to my husband. We were at a party at the lake and had gotten into a little fight. My parents’ house was only a short way up the road, so I decided to walk home, figuring it would help to clear my head.” She took a deep breath before continuing. “A couple of the summer boys were there, drunk as could be. They were the over-privileged kids who lived in the city or some other far off place during the winter and would spend their summers at their vacation homes on the lake.” She clarified. “I ignored their obnoxious comments they were making and s
tarted to head home. I didn’t know one of them was following me with more on his mind than the usual catcalls that were so typical of those guys when they were drunk.”

  “Is that when he—”

  She nodded. “He waited until I was passing by a wooded area and grabbed me.”

  “Did he get arrested?”

  She shook her head and my eyes widened. “I never said anything to anyone, not even my fiancé, whom I’ve been married to for over thirty years now. The guy who did it came from money. Lots of it. Even though they would only vacation here in the summer, they were well connected with the local police, the mayor, and council people. All of the summer people were because they were the ones with all the money. We had both been drinking, so I knew it would be my word against his.”

  “So he got away with it?”

  “He did.” A lone teardrop ran down her cheek. “And I allowed it to happen because of my own guilt and shame. I went on with life like nothing ever happened. At least that’s how it appeared to everyone on the outside, but on the inside I was a mess. Then a month later, I found out I was pregnant.”

  “Was it his?” I whispered.

  “I don’t know. I didn’t want to know. I just wanted to believe it was my fiancé’s. We were married two months later, and as far as he and everyone else knew, it was his baby. I wanted to believe it was my husband’s. Then once my son was born it didn’t matter. He was so beautiful and so innocent and it helped to erase those painful memories. My husband was so in love with him that I couldn’t believe anything other than him being his father. So in a strange way, my baby helped to heal me. That’s what I mean when I say there is no method to healing. Sometimes it’s a person, sometimes it’s a place, and sometimes it’s just time.”

  “So, you never told anyone in your family?”

  “No. Maybe it was wrong to do that…I don’t know, but I feel like it was what I needed to do at the time to help me cope.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I totally get that. I’ve found myself coping much better since I moved away. I’m making new friends—” I stopped myself. “Actually, a friend.”