A Right to Remain

by Beth Rinyu

  “And is this new friend a male?” A slight smile adorned her face.

  “Yeah, it is, but it’s not like that…at least I don’t think so. He’s got his own set of problems, and we’re just there for each other.”

  “Have you told him anything about your past?”

  “I did. It just seemed so easy to get the words out to him. The best part of all was he didn’t look at me like a fragile piece of glass. Instead, he’s helped me become stronger.”

  “That’s good. That’s what you need right now. You need to feel stronger so you can move on.”

  I nodded and stared down at the table. “I just…I just feel like if I move on, then I’m saying goodbye to my husband, and I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”

  “When you say moving on, are you talking about getting in a physical relationship with another man or with life in general?”

  “Both, I guess. I really haven’t thought much about starting a sexual relationship with anyone. It scares me to death. I don’t look at sex the same way anymore.”

  “What he did to you wasn’t sex. Rape is an act of violence not sex. Don’t mistake the two. You just need to find the right person to help you overcome that so you change your way of thinking.”

  I sighed. “Yeah, maybe.”

  “It will come in time, Lacey, and just because you’re letting go of the past doesn’t mean you’re letting go of the love you have for your husband. I’m sure that’s what he would have wanted for you.”

  Just about an hour ago, this woman was a complete stranger to me, but now here I was talking to her like an old friend. “Camille?”

  “Hmm...”

  “Do you ever wish you had told your family about what had happened to you?”

  “Why do you think I do this, Lacey?” She reached over the table and took my hand. “To give others the courage I didn’t have.”

  I nodded and gave her a sympathetic smile. “It really helps to know I’m not alone.”

  “No, you are not, and I hope we see you around here again.”

  “You will for sure.”

  When Aaron died, I looked for signs. Signs to let me know he was still watching over me. I knew without a doubt that he had bought Quinn into my life, and as I sat across from Camille, feeling so at ease, I had a feeling that she was part of his plan as well.

  Chapter 17

  Quinn

  “So, tell me again, why is this easier than going to the farmers’ market and buying a tree that’s already cut down?” Lacey asked as we traipsed through the woods looking for the perfect Christmas tree for her.

  “Lacey, where is your sense of adventure? Didn’t you used to do this as a kid?”

  “No…my grandmother had an artificial one that she would take down from the attic each year, reeking of mothballs.”

  “Did you live with your grandparents?”

  “Grandmother. My grandfather died before I was born.” She never really talked much about her life growing up, and I wondered if it was because she didn’t have the best of childhoods. “My mother had me when she was sixteen. I never knew my dad. I’m not even sure if my mom knew who he was. She was, umm…pretty bad into the partying scene. My grandmother tried her best to help her, sending her to rehab more times than I can remember. When I started high school, she finally seemed to be getting her act together. She had gotten a good job, hadn’t been using and then one day when she was supposed to be at work, my grandmother got the call. I’ll never forget the shrill scream that came from within her. I knew right away. I was only fourteen years old and I knew she had overdosed.”

  “Oh man, Lacey, I have no words.” This poor girl had been plagued with tragedy her entire life.

  “Yeah, well, the funny thing was, I never really considered her a mother. Maybe a friend or a big sister. It was my grandmother who took care of me and did everything she possibly could for me until the day she died. I have happy memories of Christmas thanks to her, even if they included nylon Christmas trees that smelled like mothballs.” She giggled. “She always made the best of what little we had, and I loved her for that.”

  I came to a stop and stared down at her.

  “Umm…is everything okay? You’re not gonna chop my head off with that axe, are you?” she teased.

  A chuckle burst from my chest. “It’s just…” She creased her eyebrows, waiting for me to finish. “You’re pretty amazing. The way you keep your head up after everything you’ve been through.”

  A strand of her hair blew in the breeze. She pushed it behind her ear and shrugged her shoulders. “What else can you do?” Pausing briefly, she continued, “When I met Aaron, he promised me my happily ever after. He gave me my happily…just not my ever after.” Her body shivered, and she moved her hands into her pockets.

  “Are you cold?” I asked.

  “A little.”

  I looked up at the six-foot pine tree a few feet from where we were standing and raised my eyebrow. “Well, what do you think of that one?”

  Her hands went up in the air, and she laughed. “Don’t ask me. I like nylon needles, remember?”

  We strode over to get a better look at it. “I think this is the one, Lacey.”

  The corners of her mouth turned down as she examined it. “Call me crazy, but why are we going to kill this perfectly healthy tree? It seems like a sin to chop down this beautiful tree just to bring it inside to decorate and then throw it out in a few weeks.”

  I stared at her blankly. I couldn’t believe she was actually making me feel compassion for a tree.

  “You know I’m right, don’t you?” she asked with a raise of her eyebrow.

  “Fine.” I shrugged in defeat. “Then let’s go to the farmers’ market and get you one.”

  “But, Quinn, those were all chopped down too.”

  I threw my head back and laughed. “Yeah, but we weren’t the ones who did the chopping. They’re gonna die anyway, so you may as well give them one last hoorah and let them be a Christmas tree.” I shook my head and ran my hand down the side of my face.

  “What’s the matter?”

  “I can’t even believe you got me thinking this way…I feel like a tree hugger.”

  “Nothing wrong with that, Quinn. It proves you have a good heart and compassion for living things.”

  She took me a little off guard when she grabbed my hand in hers. “Sorry, do you mind? I forgot my gloves and the pockets in this stupid coat are useless for keeping hands warm.”

  “Not at all…I’m a tree hugger, remember?”

  She shook her head and smiled. A smile that was so beautiful it made me smile in return.

  ***

  We stopped off at the farmers’ market and found the perfect tree and then it was off to Walmart where Lacey spent what seemed like hours looking for decorations. It was all worth it when I stood back and looked at the beautifully decorated tree in the corner of her living room. “We do good work.” She high-fived me.

  “Yeah, it looks great.”

  “Are you hungry?” she asked.

  “Starving.”

  “Chinese?”

  “Sounds good.”

  “Okay, let me get the menu.”

  My phone rang just as she walked off to the kitchen. “Hey, Mom, what’s up?”

  “Ummm…I don’t know. Have you forgotten you were supposed to be over here for dinner for your birthday?”

  “Oh shit! Umm…” I totally forgot about those plans. I knew I couldn’t blow off my mother like that, but I was having such a great time with Lacey and I didn’t want to leave. “I’ll…umm…be there in a few.”

  “Okay.” The disappointment was evident in her sigh.

  “Everything okay?” Lacey asked, returning from the kitchen with the menu in her hand.

  “Lacey...I totally forgot I made plans to go to my parents’ for dinner for my birthday.”

  Her eyes bulged. “Oh, Quinn, is today your birthday?”

  I shook my head. “No, it’s tomorro
w, but my dad is leaving for a business trip, and my sister won’t be around either. So my mother planned it for today. I’m so sorry, Lacey.”

  “What the heck are you sorry for? Go!” She smiled.

  I raked my brain over what to do. “Hey, do you want to come?”

  “Oh…umm…thanks so much for the invite, Quinn, but—” She sucked in her bottom lip and looked over at the tree. “I’ve gotta put the finishing touches on the tree.” Her smile didn’t reach her eyes.

  “Okay.” I was hesitant to leave, and she sensed it.

  “Go! Have a great time.”

  Without even thinking, I leaned over and brushed her cheek with a kiss. “See ya, Lacey.”

  “See ya,” she whispered, placing her hand on her cheek where my lips had just been.

  ***

  The entire ride to my parents’ house was filled with thoughts of Lacey. The need to be around her more and more was strong. She made me happy. I didn’t feel like I needed to drink to deal with life when she was there. I could just be me…problems and all.

  I stepped inside my parents’ house and was greeted by my three-year-old nephew. “Hey, buddy!” I picked him up and gave him a hug, ignoring his runny nose and the fact he was a walking germ magnet.

  “Well, well, well! So nice of you to show up,” my sister, Laura, teased.

  “Yeah, I know. I got kind of busy with things today.”

  “With things or with someone?” She laughed, pulling it together when my mother walked into the room.

  “Hi, honey! It’s so nice to see your handsome face,” my mother greeted, holding my niece, Maddie.

  “She’s getting big!” I said, looking down at her sleeping, feeling that familiar ache every time I would see a baby.

  Laura gave me a sympathetic smile and wrapped her arm around me just as my father came walking down the stairs. “Well! Look who it is!”

  “Man, you guys are acting like you haven’t seen me in years.” I took off my coat and threw it on the couch.

  “Well, it sure seems like it,” my father responded.

  My mother handed Laura the baby when the doorbell rang. “What? David doesn’t just walk in anymore?” I joked.

  “Oh, that’s not David. He’s been in Chicago on business for the past few days, and he just texted me to tell me his plane has been delayed. Oh, and he told me to tell you happy birthday, by the way.”

  Laura and I both turned around when we heard my mother coming up behind us clearing her throat. “Look who’s here, Quinn,” she said with a nervous edge to her voice.

  I was speechless and so was my sister as I stood there staring into Sara’s cold blue eyes. “Happy birthday,” she said rather meekly.

  I was beyond pissed. I couldn’t believe my mother set this whole thing up, knowing how I felt. Judging by the death glare Laura was giving her, I had a feeling she thought the same way. “Hi, Laura, how are you?”

  “I’m doing well, Sara.” She tried being as cordial as possible. “Mom, let’s go in the kitchen and check on dinner.”

  My father looked at my mother as well, giving her a disapproving gaze, following behind them.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked once they had all cleared the room.

  “Umm…coming to dinner for your birthday.”

  I threw my head back and bit back the retort on the verge of escaping. “Why?”

  “Because your mother invited me, and I really want to talk to you.”

  “Sara, there’s nothing to talk about that hasn’t already been said. You chose what you wanted and now it’s time to move on.”

  “But that’s the thing…I’m not sure of what I want.”

  “You’re unbelievable!” I shouted. “Are you still seeing him, Sara?” Her silence answered my question. “Then you made your choice. In fact, it’s not even up to you anymore. I made my choice.”

  She stared up at the ceiling and shook her head. “Does this have anything to do with the girl Hillary and Todd saw you with at the diner?”

  Of course that got back to her. I was surprised it took this long. “Who I choose to hang out with is no longer your business.”

  “Well, don’t look down on me when you’re out doing the same thing.”

  My anger was rising as I moved closer to her. “I’m not doing the same thing. I never fuckin’ cheated on you, but if it makes you feel better to think I did the same thing then fuckin’ think it.” I grabbed my coat from the couch. There was no way I was having dinner there.

  “Quinn, where are you going?” my mother asked as she stepped into the living room.

  “Leaving,” I replied.

  “But it’s your birthday.” I could hear the sadness in her voice, but I didn’t care. I was so pissed at her for going behind my back and doing this. “Quinn, please don’t go,” she pleaded as I reached the front door.

  “Mom, stop!” my sister demanded as I slammed the door behind me.

  I got in my truck, not knowing what to do. I wanted to talk to Lacey so badly, but I was sick of always burdening her with all of my problems that seemed so insignificant in comparison to hers. So, instead of turning to her for advice, I did the next best thing, heading to the bar to drink away the memory of tonight.

  Chapter 18

  Lacey

  I sat down on the couch with a cup of tea and just the lights of my Christmas tree. My place felt so warm and cozy. I was so glad I had let Quinn talk me into putting up a tree this year. I hadn’t celebrated Christmas in the last two years, so this was a big step for me. I smiled, thinking about today and the great time we had. I loved spending time with him. He made me happy. He made me feel whole again. I had been spending a lot of time with the support group and was even planning on stopping in for their Christmas party tomorrow. I identified so much with the girls there, especially Camille.

  My stomach dropped when Gus lifted his head from a dead sleep and began to growl. I was hoping it was Quinn coming home, but I knew it was out of character for Gus to growl when Quinn would pull in the driveway. I looked down at my phone and was surprised to see it was after midnight and he still wasn’t back yet. Gus slowly got up with his ears back and a hunched over posture. His eyes were settled upon the door with a typical Border Collie stare. Another low growl escaped him, followed by a loud defensive bark.

  “Gus, what’s the matter?” My entire body was trembling as Gus’ barks became louder and fiercer.

  I ran in the kitchen and grabbed a knife from the butcher block, huddling in the corner while Gus scratched at the door to get outside. Tears rolled down my face and the familiar cold sweat enveloped my body as I buried my face in my knees, praying he would stop. I was paralyzed in fear, not even remembering if I had locked the front door after last letting Gus back inside earlier in the night. I watched as he ran from the window to the door for what seemed like forever, trying his hardest to get outside. My eyes squeezed together when I heard the rattle of the doorknob, hugging my knees tightly as memories of that night came to the forefront of my mind. “No, no, no,” I whispered over and over again, gripping the knife in my hand.

  “Hey, Lacey.” My breath came out in relieved pants at the sound of Quinn’s voice. He leaned down next to me and carefully removed the knife from my hand. “What’s the matter?” He pushed a strand of my hair that was sticking to my tear-stained face behind my ear. “I heard Gus barking like a maniac when I pulled in the driveway and wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

  “I-I don’t know. He heard something outside and started to growl and…” A sob racked my body. The strong scent of alcohol permeated from him, but I didn’t care. I nuzzled my head into his chest as he sat down on the floor next to me and held me until I cried myself to sleep.

  Quinn placed me down gently in my bed and was just about to cover me when I slowly opened my eyes. “I’m so sorry, Quinn.” My voice was hoarse from crying.

  “For what?” He took a seat on the edge of my bed.

  “For being an emotiona
l wreck. I thought I was getting better. The nightmares stopped, and I was feeling so much stronger…and then this had to happen.”

  “You have nothing to be sorry about, Lacey. I completely understand. If it makes you feel any better, I think it was probably some deer out there he was barking at. There was a bunch of them at the end of the driveway when I pulled in. I’ll go look around out there when I go upstairs just to double-check.”

  “No!” My voice rose in panic, remembering what happened to Aaron on that horrible night when he went to check. I sat up and began to tremble once again. “No, Quinn, please don’t…please don’t.” I threw my arms around him.

  “Lacey, calm down,” he whispered, gently rubbing my back. “Lie down,” he coaxed.

  “Please don’t go,” I pleaded, moving over as I lay down to make room for him. His brows were pinched deep in thought before fulfilling my request, lying down next to me and pulling me close as I was lulled into a deep sleep. That night there weren’t any nightmares, just the sound of Quinn’s heartbeat pressed against my ear and the safety of his strong muscular arms wrapped around my body.

  ***

  “Hi, Camille!” I greeted her as she walked through the doors of the church hall. “I didn’t think you were coming.”

  “Oh, I had to take care of some things at home. I really need to be on a tropical island with blue water and handsome men waiting on me hand and foot.”

  “Let me know if such a place exists and I’ll go with you,” Suzanne, one of the other girls from the group, chimed in as she passed by.

  “Everything okay?” I asked.

  “Yeah, just family drama.”

  In a way I felt lucky for not having to deal with any of that, but also envied those who had it because at least it meant they had a family. I nodded, pretending to relate to what she was going through. She grabbed a cup of coffee and took a seat. “So what are your plans for Christmas, Lacey? Are you going home to visit family?”

  “Oh, umm…no.” I had to come up with something quickly. I didn’t want her to know that my pathetic self would be spending it with just my dog. “I’m spending it with some friends.” I cleared my throat, hoping I was convincing enough. “What about you?”