The Kiss List (Love List)

by Sonya Weiss

  “Do…do you have any idea what you robbed me of?” The day his brother had wrecked his life flooded back, and Max just couldn’t deal with the waterfall of emotions. He had to get out of there.

  He walked out of the house and drove aimlessly, a headache pounding at his temples, heartbreak pounding in his chest. He hit the steering wheel with the palm of his hand as he slowed for a stoplight. When the light changed, he drove along the back roads, thinking. The town—no, the entire world—was out of focus. Nothing looked right anymore.

  He drove around for a while, then went home, called Haley, and told her something had come up. He blew off her questions and concerns and went to bed, needing to shut out the scene he’d just lived through.

  But though he tried, sleep hid from him. Finally, he gave up and headed to Bowman’s early, hoping that work would purge his brain of the thoughts tormenting him. Throughout the night, he’d been plagued by images of Haley, imagining her pregnant with another man’s baby. Her laughing with someone else. Loving someone else.

  He’d already learned that love could be unkind. He’d never expected his brother to betray him. They’d been so close before. Would Haley do something like that to him? His stomach tightened so much at the thought that it nearly doubled him over.

  He went through the day on autopilot and managed to get the deliveries assignment just so he could avoid Haley. Lunch was sawdust, and he finally threw away the sandwich unfinished. By the time quitting time loomed, he knew what he had to do that night.

  The bitter sting of love cut too deep. He could never, ever go through that again. Especially not with Haley. Where Hugh and Annalise had wrecked his life, Haley had the power to destroy him. He’d never be able to put himself back together if he went through that again.

  And he was still bitter—so bitter—it ate at him like an acid. He wasn’t free. Wasn’t whole. He couldn’t bring that into a relationship where it could eventually hurt Haley. No. For both their sakes, he had to call it quits.

  He arrived at Haley’s father’s house a few minutes later and rang the doorbell.

  She opened the door, and she looked so beautiful—and, wow, it was hard to think straight with that pain squeezing his heart.

  “Hey! Where were you all day? Every time I turned around at work, you were gone.”

  “I…I had a lot on my mind.”

  Concern etched across her face. “Max, what happened?”

  “I ran into Hugh and Annalise at Wynne’s house.”

  “Oh, Max.” She stepped out onto the porch and reached to hug him.

  He backed away. “I can’t do this. Us. I’ll break your heart, or you’ll break mine, and I just…can’t.”

  Her breathing quickened, and she shook her head. “You can’t run away, Max. You showed me that, remember? Let the heartache hurt as you deal with it, and then let it go so you can embrace the good stuff. That’s what you said.”

  “I was wrong. I don’t want to hurt you, Haley.”

  “You already have if you don’t trust what we could have,” she said, tears welling in her eyes. “You don’t believe what we feel for each other can conquer what you’ve been through.”

  The image of Haley with someone else popped into his mind again. “I just can’t trust it.”

  She reeled back a step. Her mouth opened, then closed. “So that’s it? You’re just going to give up? Max, we’re good together. If you let yourself see the truth, you’ll realize that.”

  “I’m sorry. I want to be what you need, but there’s not enough left of me to do that.” He swallowed. “I’m too broken, and I can’t risk any more damage.”

  With that, Max forced himself to walk away. Each step that took him farther from Haley tore a piece of his heart, leaving it behind. He stopped at the door of his car and looked back at her.

  “I will always love you, Haley.”

  She shook her head, the tears that had welled now falling down her cheeks. “Love doesn’t run. It helps you stay and fight for what you believe in. For what you want. You taught me that.” She lifted her chin and crossed her arms. “You’re the reason I talked to Dad. You told me to get everything out in the open. You need to do the same with your family.”

  “I can’t.” He kept picturing Hugh and Annalise together, followed by Haley and some mystery guy.

  Miserable and angry with Hugh and himself, Max got into the car and backed out of the driveway. This time, he headed for the interstate and drove, hoping he could quiet the hurt. He drove until the sun finally rose, then found a park where he sat and thought about all the events that had led him there. He was more miserable than he’d ever been, and he knew that part of that was due to trying to hold on to the stuff eating him up inside.

  He had to go back.

  He thought about his sister and how quickly he’d left her house. She’d worry about him, and he needed to make sure she knew he was okay. He started the car and drove back home.

  When he reached the center of town, he saw Craig’s truck parked outside the hardware store. By now he’d probably heard what went down between him and Haley. He got out and went inside.

  When Craig saw him, he waved him over. “Thought I’d use this to make a sign at the end of the driveway leading into Bowman’s. What do you think?”

  Max picked up the two small pieces of wood. “There’s not enough here to make anything.”

  “But I’m going to glue them together and, see? Two broken pieces can work.” Craig said goodbye to the guy behind the counter. “C’mon, Max, let’s take a walk.”

  Here it comes. Craig is going to tell me to stay away from Haley. He’s going to say I need to find another job. Not that he’d blame the older man. He was just looking out for his daughter.

  They walked down the center of Main Street. “There used to be a lot of deep holes from water seeping into the cracks; then temperatures dropped, and that water froze.”

  “Yeah, I remember. The freezing busted up the road. The county kept making small fixes and blowing off repaving the entire street.”

  “Yep.” Craig adjusted his cap and shot Max a look. “The county ignored that the problem went deeper. Then you remember old man Anderson’s fertilizer truck hit a hole, the filling caved in, his truck tipped over, and that…stuff…went everywhere.”

  “Stunk up the whole area,” Max said, wondering what Craig’s point was in reminiscing.

  Craig nodded. “The county couldn’t get out here fast enough to fix everything then because that truck spill could have interfered with the tourist season. They did the work they needed to do to protect the town’s future.”

  “What are you trying to say, Craig?”

  “I’m saying that those holes in you that you’re letting freeze over are going to create a big stink in your life. If not now, then in the future. Best just to go ahead and fix what’s eating you.”

  The heaviness in Max’s heart expanded. “Haley told you, huh?”

  Craig stopped walking to face Max. “She mentioned a little. You want to talk about it?”

  Max told him about Hugh and Annalise returning.

  “Huh,” Craig said. “I didn’t realize that Annalise and Haley were twins.”

  Max frowned. “They’re not.”

  “Exactly. Not in looks, temperament, or actions. Haley wouldn’t do that to someone.”

  “Annalise is only part of my struggle. I can’t just insta-forgive my brother or forget what I’ve been through. So what if I try with Haley and mess everything up? She becomes collateral damage because of me.”

  “I’ve known you all your life, Max, and you’re not a careless man. I think you’d try with everything in you. Give yourself permission to love despite the blow you were dealt. Be okay with failure and just get back up each time you think you fall short.” Craig led the way to one of the benches outside the barber shop and sat. />
  “What if I make Haley miserable?”

  Craig laughed. “Obviously she’d never tell you exactly what she thought about that.”

  Max laughed, but Craig’s words made him think. Was it possible that he could find a way to deal with his past and embrace the future?

  Yes. He had to. Because he didn’t want to live his life without Haley. Love was worth the risk. He trusted her enough to take that risk.

  But he’d have to do whatever it took to win her back. He hoped it wasn’t too late.

  Chapter Sixteen

  She hadn’t seen Max in a week. Rumor had it he’d driven out of town the night he’d dumped her, but he’d returned and still hadn’t managed to cross her path. He must be taking great pains to avoid her. She’d forced herself to go on like nothing had happened.

  “You should go talk to him,” Suzie said, pausing from working on writing out her wedding vows.

  To Haley’s shock, when the gossip about Max had reached Suzie, her cousin had flown home. Maybe deep down, under all Suzie’s unkind actions, she cared.

  “I’m not going to talk to him right now.”

  Suzie reached across the table and put her hand on Haley’s forearm. “Getting to spend time with my fiancé helped me open up to him, and I fell in love with him. That showed me it’s okay to believe in love, to want the fairy tale. All couples have their ups and downs. Trust me on this and go after Max.”

  That was fine for Suzie, but Haley wasn’t going to chase after Max. He needed to come to the realization on his own that he had to heal and that she wasn’t like Annalise or Hugh. If he loved her—and she wasn’t sure she believed that he did—he should be able to see that she was someone he could trust. She deserved that, and he needed to not hold her accountable for the wounds others had given him. She wouldn’t put up with that.

  “Do you need help with your vows?” Haley asked in a bid to change the subject.

  “No, I’ve got it. Thank you for all you’ve done to help with the wedding.”

  Haley narrowed her eyes. “You’re different.”

  Suzie laughed. “I realized that I can be myself, and Eddie loves me as is and doesn’t care what his family thinks. I don’t have to try and be perfect.”

  “I’m happy for you,” Haley said.

  “I’ve been such a brat to you,” Suzie said. “I’m sorry.”

  Haley gave her cousin a hug, then went to get ready for work.

  She worked that day and the next, trying to forget about Max.

  She spent time with her friends and her father, and pretended all was well with her heart.

  When at work, she’d see Max at a distance, but she didn’t approach him. Finally, after a week of him not making a move—of radio silence—the heartbreak sank in. She and Max were done. He obviously didn’t truly love her.

  The humiliation of the viral video and her ex-boyfriend’s actions had hurt her, but nothing compared to this. It felt like someone had speared her heart through and lifted it right out of her chest.

  Two days before Christmas, her father approached her at work just as she was finishing up. “I’m going to need you to stay late tonight.”

  Haley rubbed the back of her neck. “Okay. I’ll need to call Piper and Roxy to cancel my plans with them.”

  “Thanks, honey.” Whistling, her dad headed back toward his office.

  She sent her friends a quick text and turned back to her work. Hours passed before a voice broke her concentration.

  “Haley?”

  She stilled at the sound of Max’s voice, then looked up. He looked good, like he wasn’t miserable at all. She had to glance away. “What do you want?”

  “Do you remember when I said men could be stupid? I was right about that, and this involves me groveling.”

  Haley’s head snapped up.

  “In case it escaped your notice, I had some struggle with trust.”

  She nodded. “I know it was never truly about me.” Leaning forward, she turned off the power to her machine.

  “But?” he prompted.

  “You walked away, and that hurt me. You didn’t even give us a chance.”

  “I know. I was wrong, and you were right. I had to deal with some things I didn’t want to deal with.” He sighed. “My brother. Annalise.”

  Her eyes widened. “You talked to them?”

  “I spoke to my brother. It’s a small one but it is a step forward. I’ve been carrying the weight of that betrayal around, and it nearly destroyed me. I almost let it cost me you.” He paused when she didn’t respond. “At least, I hope it’s an almost.”

  She supposed he was missing their friendship. “I don’t know, Max. I just don’t know.” He’d been so quick to walk away. He certainly could do it again.

  He swallowed. “I haven’t assumed I could just apologize for not trusting that my love was strong enough to overcome my trust issues. I hoped that I…that we might still have a chance.” He pressed a hand against his chest as if his heart was racing hard. Then he held out his hand.

  Haley debated but only for a second before she put her hand in his. “Fine. I accept your groveling. I guess all friendships have their ups and downs.”

  He stumbled a step and stared down at her. “Friends?”

  “Friends,” she said, though she wanted more so badly she ached from the longing.

  She walked with him through the warehouse and out the back door. Row after row of trees were strung with Christmas lights. Small scrolls of paper tied with red ribbons adorned hundreds of the branches.

  “What’s this?” Haley asked.

  “Take one.”

  Haley pulled one from the closest branch and unrolled it. At the top, the words “Max’s Kiss List” were written. She opened another one, then another. The only name on each of them was hers.

  “My list of everything important begins and ends with you. I swear if you give me a second chance, I’ll always show you that.”

  “Max…I don’t…what are you saying?”

  “I love you, Haley. I love your spirit and I love your awful jokes and I love the weird way you dance and—”

  She put her fingers against his lips. “You really love me?”

  “Yes.” He smiled and leaned his forehead against hers. “And I know I’ll say or do something stupid and we’ll argue and we’ll both think we’re right, but please, please say you’ll give me a chance again to be yours.”

  “I love you too.” Haley’s heart swelled, and she pulled back to look deep into his eyes. “I do not dance weird,” she whispered.

  Max laughed and then sobered just as quickly. “I swear I’ll do my best to never hurt you again. Let me be your kiss-list guy.”

  She wagged the scroll at him. “Your name is the only one on my list from this moment forward.” Haley wrapped her arms around his waist. She kissed him with the joy of newly discovered love and the promise of hope for the future. When they finally separated, she said, “I’m thinking this is going to be the best Christmas I’ve had in a long time.”

  “Me too,” Max said. “I’m also thinking we should work on that gift your dad mentioned.”

  “Grandkids?” she guessed.

  “It’s the least we could do. It is almost Christmas.”

  “Well, in the spirit of giving…”

  Max threw back his head and laughed. “Haley Bowman, I love you to the moon and back.”

  That suited Haley just fine.

  Epilogue

  Valentine’s Day

  Haley nudged Max as Suzie approached them when the reception was ending and the guests had begun to leave. Suzie hugged her. “Thank you for everything.” She smiled at Max. “I’m glad you’re Haley’s plus one.”

  “Nope.” Max reached into the pocket of his jacket and took out the place card with his name on it. He share
d it with Suzie.

  Her cousin laughed, then said, “I believe that.” She gave Haley another quick hug, then went to talk to some of Eddie’s relatives.

  “What does Suzie believe?” Haley asked.

  Max showed her his card. Beneath his name, he’d written, Soul mate. Then he glanced at Craig. “Do you need us to take you home first?”

  “Nope. I’m catching a ride with Celeste.”

  Haley frowned at the weird expression on her dad’s face. Like he was fighting not to cry.

  “Dad? Are you okay?”

  “Yep.” He shook Max’s hand and then quickly walked over to the table where Celeste waited for him.

  “First Suzie gave me a weird look, then my dad. Why is everyone acting so strange?”

  “Beats me.” Max guided them through the parking lot and to his car. Haley settled against the seat and nudged her high heels off. She wiggled her toes and, when Max got in beside her, said, “It was a beautiful ceremony, but I’m so glad the pressure from the wedding is off.”

  “It was nice,” Max said quietly.

  Haley studied his profile. He’d been kind of quiet today. Almost subdued. Her heart skipped a beat, and she couldn’t help wondering if he was dealing with trust issues again. The time between Christmas and now had been amazing. They’d had a beautiful night welcoming in the New Year and had spent many days snuggling in front of a fire through January. She’d gotten the paperwork started for Max to be a partner in the company. Everything was so perfect that Max’s quietness scared her. “Do we need to talk?”

  “Yes.”

  Oh no. Her mouth went dry.

  He drove to Bowman’s, and as soon as he parked beside the building, Haley took off her seat belt and started to get out. He put his hand on her arm. “Wait.”

  Max climbed out and popped open the trunk. When he returned, he was carrying a small laptop. “I hope it has enough of a charge. Can’t believe I forgot that part.”

  “Max, what is going on?”

  He took out a jump drive and plugged it into the side of the computer. “I’m sorry in advance if this makes you cry.” He passed the computer to her.