Hello, I Must be Going

by Charlotte Chandler

And your mother?

  GROUCHO

  She was busy. She was always busy trying to get us jobs. She gathered us all together. She was a great woman. My father was always faithful to her, until she died. Then he got himself another girl. But not at the funeral! He liked girls—we all liked girls. There were no fags in the Marx family.

  I

  Did your father enjoy being an extra in your films?

  GROUCHO

  No, but he got ten dollars, and he was trying to make one of the girls. He finally wound up with a dame.

  I

  Did you mind? You cared so much about your mother…

  GROUCHO

  No. She was dead, and he was lonely. He died at the Garden of Allah.

  I

  And your grandparents?

  GROUCHO

  My grandmother played the harp and yodeled. This was in Germany. My grandfather was a ventriloquist and a magician.

  I

  Did you learn any magic tricks?

  GROUCHO

  No. I don’t have any tricks. I have no talent at all. I can barely open a window.

  I

  Your grandfather lived to be a healthy 101.

  GROUCHO

  That I’m not worrying about. I won’t make that. But he did live a long, long time, and there was never anything wrong with him. Except he ate everything in the house. He was a big eater.

  I

  What was your boyhood in New York City like?

  GROUCHO

  I think I told you about Weatherall, didn’t I? I was an office boy on Pine Street. Offices were about the size of my bed. And I had to get to work at nine o’clock every morning. My job was, if Weatherall had any letters, to shove them into this thing there and turn the wheel and press them in a book. It pressed the letters. And I was getting three dollars a week.

  I

  What was the purpose of pressing the letters?

  GROUCHO

  I haven’t the faintest idea. He didn’t get many letters. I was supposed to be there at nine o’clock every morning. So I was there. And I had a bag of grapes. That was my lunch. And the next day I was there at nine o’clock, but Weatherall didn’t come in. So the next day, I came in at ten o’clock. Then I started getting in at eleven o’clock, and he still didn’t get in. So I was walking down Park Row. It was windy, and somebody’s hat blew off. I ran out in the middle of the street to grab the hat to bring it back. And it was Weatherall. I got fired. I was going to the ballpark that day. (Pause) Did I tell you about how we used to stand in front of the theatre three-sheeting after the show and pick up girls?

  I

  I don’t understand three-sheeting…

  GROUCHO

  We’d stand in front of the posters. It took three sheets to make a poster. So I picked up a girl one day, and she was pushing a baby carriage. I spoke to her, and I says, “You’re a very pretty girl. Are you married?” She says, “No, this is my sister’s baby.” She was lying; it was her baby. She took me to her apartment, and I was smoking a cigar. Suddenly, I hear the sound of footsteps. So I run to the closet, but I left the cigar laying there, on the couch. And the guy comes in. He’s about eight feet tall. He says, “There’s a man in here.” She says, “There is not.” “What is that cigar doing here?” He looks in the closet. “If I find the son of a bitch,” he said, “I’ll kill him.” And he felt in the closet, but there was a lot of clothes in there, and he didn’t feel me. The minute he went in the kitchen, I jumped out the window.

  I

  What floor were you on?

  GROUCHO

  The first. In Chicago, Gummo and I had a car together. It was $300. We each put in $150. And we didn’t know anything about automobiles. I knew one thing: the car had no brakes. And it had no horn. And it had no top to it. We had a couple of girls on the North Side of Chicago that we wanted to go to see. Every time that we wanted to go and see ’em, Zeppo would take the ignition out of the car. He knew a lot about a car. He could take the whole car apart and take all the different parts of the engine and put the whole thing together again. And we didn’t know anything about a car at all. So whenever we wanted to go to the North Side to meet these girls, Zeppo would take the ignition out. We’d have to go on the elevated every time we wanted to meet ’em, ’cause he was using the car. I had a Scripps-Booth at one time. Scripps-Booth, hyphenated. It was an automobile you never heard of. I paid $200 for it. And I had a thing on the door—if you pressed that, the door would open. I took a girl out one night, and accidentally she pressed that thing and she flew out of the car. Then I took another girl out. She was all dressed up. She had on a pink dress and lovely hat, and we went to the Majestic Theatre. When we came out it was raining. And when we got to her house, she was soaking wet. Her hat was ruined, her dress was ruined, and everything else was ruined. When I took her home, her father came to the door. He says, “If you ever come to this house again, I’ll kill ya!” So I never went back there. She was a beautiful girl. Now I don’t even remember her name. I was so scared, I was glad to get out of there. We played in a colored theatre in Chicago. I never told you this. It was called the Pekin. And Jack Johnson came to visit the theatre one night. He was gonna fight Jim Jeffries for the world’s championship, in which, incidentally, he knocked out Jeffries. And we used to do a song there. (Singing) “‘I’d like to be a friend of yours, and a little bit more. I’d like to see ya, and a little bit more.’” And we saw Johnson sitting in the box, and we had the parody arranged so Jeffries would knock out Johnson. But with Johnson in the box that night, we changed the lyric, making it Johnson knocking out Jeffries, which he actually did. All black audience. On State Street, Thirty-first and State. And he came backstage after the show, and we met him in the saloon. He had on a silk shirt—a handsome man. I told you about the three shirts, didn’t I?

  I

  Yes. But tell me again.

  GROUCHO

  Chico had picked up a girl. Chico was always picking up girls, picking up girls for all of us. And we were living in a boardinghouse in Brooklyn. It was gaslit; it didn’t have electricity. We could turn the gas very low so you couldn’t see who you were screwing, if you wanted to. So we had bought three silk shirts—silk shirts with a black stripe down each one. Harpo had one, and I had one, Chico had one. I was in bed sleeping when Chico comes into my room. He says, “You wanna get laid?” I says, “Yeah.” “Well, put on your silk shirt and come into my room.” Which I proceeded to do. And I laid her a couple of times. Then he went to Harpo’s room. He said, “You wanna get laid?” Harpo said, “Yes.” “Well, put on your silk shirt and go into my room. I have a girl in there.” So he went in there and laid her a couple of times. And then Chico came back and laid her again. And she didn’t know who we were, ’cause the gaslight was low, and we were all wearing the same silk shirts. And the next morning we were standing by the stage door of the Bushwick Theatre in Brooklyn when Chico introduced her to Harpo and me. (Pause) Did I ever tell you how I lost my virginity? It was in Montreal. You don’t forget a thing like that. She didn’t have a room, and she picked me up. I was sixteen years old. Before I left town I had gonorrhea. You know, they say that once you get gonorrhea you have it the rest of your life. It’s partly true. I didn’t know anything about girls. Chico lost his virginity to the first girl he met. Zeppo was big with the dames too. Harpo was the one that didn’t fool around much. He had a few dames. But Harpo only had three girls in his life that he was really stuck on, and they were all named Fleming. The last one, he married. Susan Fleming.

  I

  And for you, there’s Erin Fleming. Is that a coincidence?

  GROUCHO

  No. It’s no coincidence.

  I

  How would you describe Harpo in real life?

  GROUCHO

  Harpo was a beautiful man. He was shorter than I was. Not much, a couple of inches. He was always sitting down, playing the goddamn harp. And I hated the harp. I always walked out of the theatre when the harp came on. I’
d heard it for so many years, it drove me crazy. It’s not my favorite instrument, but I didn’t mind it because at least it was soft. Harpo used to work hard playing the harp. Because by this time he was very proud. There weren’t very many harp players in vaudeville, you know. Harpo worked hard and conscientiously, and Chico never did. Harpo’s harp’s in Israel now. I don’t know where Harpo is.

  I

  Do you think that you and Harpo were the most alike?

  GROUCHO

  And Gummo. Gummo and Helen, that’s a real love affair. They’ve been married over fifty years. Gummo was handsome when he was young.

  I

  What was Gummo’s part with the Marx Brothers?

  GROUCHO

  He played a Jew comedian. Gummo and I always roomed together when we were on the road. Harpo and Chico didn’t room together. Chico was always looking for dames and crap games, card games. Chico was a show-off when he played cards. If he was playing you, and he could beat you easily—let’s say he was playing for a thousand points, pinochle, whatever it was—he would say to the other one, “Look, this is too easy. You only have to make eight on the points, and I have to make a thousand.” On the other hand, Harpo was a very shrewd gambler. He was a very shrewd poker player. He used to play with Franklin P. Adams and Woollcott and George Kaufman, and people like that, and he always came home with the money. ’Cause he wasn’t a gambler; he played to win, that’s all. And Chico was a show-off. Zeppo was a good card player. Gin rummy, I think. He was a funny man, Zeppo. Very funny.

  I

  I think he’s still funny.

  GROUCHO

  Yeah. He’s a funny man. He went on once for me in Chicago, you know. When I had my appendix taken out. And he got great reviews.

  I

  You said it made you hurry and get well faster.

  GROUCHO

  I got out of the hospital as fast as I could.

  I

  It wasn’t like the understudy in Cocoanuts who had a nervous breakdown when he had to go on for you.

  GROUCHO

  That’s right. He went crazy. Not Zeppo. He could have been a very funny comedian. Zeppo likes you.

  I

  He was going to play cards when I saw him.

  GROUCHO

  That’s what broke up their marriage, you know. Barbara was living in the house that I owned in Palm Springs, and now she’s married to Sinatra. Beautiful girl. (Pause) Chico was a great pool player. We would go to some town, and he would play anybody in the town and beat him. He was a great pool player. But he got mixed up with gamblers. I know when we were playing in Detroit, he disappeared for a whole week. Harpo and I had to do the whole show without him.

  I

  You must have been very disturbed.

  GROUCHO

  You bet I was. He was gambling up in Windsor. Once Harpo and I decided we weren’t gonna make any more movies with him. We said, “When you get your salary, we’re gonna handle it for you.” And we had $200,000 saved. One day he came and he said, “I have to have the money, ’cause the gamblers are after me.” So we gave him the $200,000, ’cause they would have killed him. Chico was sick. He was a compulsive gambler, and you’re sick when you do that. But he had a great time.

  I

  You and Harpo thought ahead.

  GROUCHO

  We were both sensible. Chico died broke, but he had a great time.

  I

  Maybe that’s what’s important.

  GROUCHO

  It was Harpo I admired. He was steady. He married and had a good marriage and adopted four children and raised them well. I respected him. For Chico, the next best thing to gambling and winning was gambling and losing. Even when he lost, Chico enjoyed it. He said he had the pleasure of thinking he was going to win. And then, when it was over and he’d lost, he had the pleasure of thinking he was going to win the next time. Chico’s philosophy was, “It’s better to have lost and lost than never to have lost at all.” (Pause) Did I tell you about Harpo being locked in the room with the rats?

  I

  Not yet.

  GROUCHO

  I was very young. We used to go to the hookshops then. We were in a hookshop one night…as a matter of fact, we were always in hookshops. We were the hit of the hookshops. It was the only place you could get laid in a strange town. They didn’t want any actors. In a lot of towns they used to hide their daughters. We were in Cincinnati. In those days, the hookers used to come to the shows, and if they liked your act, they would send you a note backstage that you could come up and visit ’em if you wanted to. So we were a big hit in those places. Harpo and Chico both played the piano, and I sang.

  We went to one house where Harpo had apparently insulted one of the girls. So she invited him upstairs, and opened the door, and put him in a room there. There was nothing in it but a cot. He took off his clothes, and there came the squealing of rats from the other side of the room. So he started to throw his clothes at them to scare them away. And then one of the hookers opened the door and let him out, and he ran down a whole flight of stairs. When he got to the sidewalk, he looked upstairs, and there were these five hookers laughing at him.

  I

  How do you think Harpo insulted the girl?

  GROUCHO

  I don’t remember. ’Cause we were always very nice to the girls. Faulkner once said the ideal place to live was in a whorehouse. So he bought a house, and he rented the upstairs to these hookers. And he slept downstairs. It was good because they worked all night, and he worked all day writing. He was a great writer too. Have you ever read Beds?

  I

  Yes, I read it in bed. I located a copy of the original edition.

  GROUCHO

  It’s one of the funniest things I’ve written—that and a check for ten dollars. It’s a funny book about beds, various things that go on in beds. How we make love with the girls, or how they reject you, which they frequently do.

  I

  How did you feel about being rejected?

  GROUCHO

  I felt much better about being injected. Beds are more important than you think. We spend a lot of our lives in bed. I’ve had women put me to sleep by talking. They talk more than men, I think. In a lot of cases they have nothing to say. I like a woman to be a good listener, because I never stop talking.

  I

  Why do you suppose some women talk so much?

  GROUCHO

  They want to attract attention. It’s like putting perfume on, raising a big stink. Or getting all dressed up.

  I

  What kind of clothes do you like to see a woman wear?

  GROUCHO

  None, if possible. Well, it depends on the woman. If it’s a girl I was crazy about, I’d like to see her naked.

  I

  You say that sex and passion are behind you these days. Do other things become important and take the place of passion and sex?

  GROUCHO

  I don’t think of it at all now. I like to see a good-looking woman—that’s about as far as it goes.

  I

  When you were younger, was it something you thought about a lot?

  GROUCHO

  Well, not every minute. I could get a dame now and have her go down on me, but what good is it? If you’re not stuck on the girl, what good is it? Unless there’s love, what’s the point?

  I

  Some of the stories printed about you present a different picture.

  GROUCHO

  I guess I’d know better than they would what I’m interested in. They come and ask you questions, but they don’t listen to the answer. I’ll be glad when I can go into the store and buy a copy of your book about me.

  I

  I’ll be glad too. But you won’t have to buy it.

  GROUCHO

  I want to buy one for everyone I know. Are you gonna have it ready for Christmas?

  I

  Yes, but not this one.

  GROUCHO

  Why don’t you sell it in
January? Then it’s the book you can get when you bring back the Christmas present you didn’t want. I want to tell you a story, but I gotta go to the men’s room first.

  I

  Should I record that comment for posterity?

  GROUCHO

  “No matter how rich you are, occasionally you have to go to the can.” I said that once when I was talking to a women’s club. (Leaves and returns) I was going to tell you a story. No, I was going to tell you two stories. If I can think of ’em. One was in Chicago. There was a fortune-teller, a big black woman who told fortunes. My wife Ruth wanted to go. You paid five dollars. They passed around a hat, and you put in five dollars. First there were two great big colored fellows that came out dressed in some kind of uniforms with epaulets and all that stuff. They said, “Now Madam Zaza is gonna go and do her dream. And when she comes out, she’ll answer any question that you wanna ask her.” And they were burning incense all around, and it stunk like hell. I felt like vomiting. Well, anyhow, she emerged finally from this trance and says, “Now, I’ll answer any question that you wanna ask.” And I said, “What’s the capital of North Dakota?” And the two big colored fellows grabbed me and hustled me out of the place.

  I

  Do you remember the capital of North Dakota?

  GROUCHO

  Fargo, of course.

  I

  And what’s the other story. You said you had two stories.

  GROUCHO

  Wait until I think about it. I’m ready. There used to be a prizefighter, before your time. His name was Jack Root and he had been a heavyweight prizefighter who owned this theatre in Iowa. He was a real tough guy. So I used to rehearse the music for the show while the boys were home sleeping. ’Cause I was the only singer in the act. And I came in smoking a cigar. So he said, “That’ll cost you five dollars.” I said, “For what?” “You know it’s against the law to smoke a cigar in the theatre.” There had just been a big fire in Chicago, and two hundred people burned up. So I went to the boys, and I said, “I’m not gonna pay that five dollars.” It was Christmas. Chico was always the great conciliator, and he said to this guy, Jack Root, “We’ll put up five dollars if you put up five dollars, and we’ll throw it all in the Salvation Army pot.” So we did that, and we were getting $900 for the act. We had about twenty people in the act. So, we were leaving on the train at eleven o’clock, and it was nine-thirty. He paid all the money in pennies. All the $900. We had to get on the floor and count them, to see that we got the whole $900. We got on the train finally without scenery. As the train started, we were on the observation car. And Harpo said, “I hope that son of a bitch’s theatre burns to the ground.” The next morning we picked up the paper in Waterloo, and it was burned to the ground the night before.