Hello, I Must be Going

by Charlotte Chandler

  I

  Sometimes the stories you tell conflict with some other stories you have told. Which version should I believe, the first version, or the latest?

  GROUCHO

  Both. I’m a liar.

  I

  Did you and your brothers share a common sense of humor?

  GROUCHO

  It wasn’t common. We each had our own. We all had a good sense of humor.

  I

  Did you ever not agree on what was funny?

  GROUCHO

  No. We got along fine. We didn’t quarrel.

  I

  What do you feel was the real turning point in your career?

  GROUCHO

  That was I’ll Say She Is, which we did before I knew Kaufman or Ryskind. We took the play because Chico had talked a guy in Philadelphia who owned a couple of coal mines and a pretzel factory into putting up the money. Also the guy was stuck on one of the girls in the chorus, who Harpo was also laying, which he didn’t know. Originally the play was called The Thrill Girl, but we got together a lot of old scenery and changed the name. I’ll Say She Is was a big success in Philadelphia. It was a real stinker, but now we felt we were ready for the big time, so we took it to New York, where Woollcott liked it. It was really hot that summer in Philadelphia, but the hot weather only makes a difference when you’re as old as I am now.

  Harding died that summer, and they asked me to make a speech about it during the intermission. It was raining that day, and the theatre had a tin roof, and the rain beat down on the roof while I was talking. I remember that because it was so eerie. You remember when I went to do the Mike Douglas show in Philadelphia? You didn’t come, but I went to the theatre, and it was changed. But it still had the tin roof.

  I

  Did you always know you were going to be successful?

  GROUCHO

  No. Chico did. And he did the least work in the act. But he said, “We won’t always be playing these dumps.” And Chico got the guy who owned the coal mine to put up the money for us to become big time.

  I

  You told me Chico also persuaded Irving Thalberg to hire you at M-G-M after your Paramount contract expired.

  GROUCHO

  Yes, he did. Chico was a smooth character. He would be talking long distance on the phone to one dame and having his hat blown by another at the same time. Or else he’d be off in a crap game somewhere. Chico was a lost soul.

  I

  Before you went with Thalberg, you considered making pictures with Samuel Goldwyn.

  GROUCHO

  We’d been negotiating between Sam Goldwyn and Thalberg, and he says, “Look, if Thalberg wants you, go to him, because he has more talent in one finger than I have in my whole body.”

  I

  I know you have great respect for Irving Thalberg.

  GROUCHO

  I think he was a great producer. Sam Wood was the director, but Thalberg came every morning and looked at the rushes for every scene we shot. And if he didn’t like them, he’d make Sam Wood shoot them over again. He was the Boss. I remember the first time we met him. I met him with Chico. This was one day Chico wasn’t in a crap game or chasing some broad. Chico played bridge with Thalberg, and had gotten into a gambling debt with him. He talked Thalberg into hiring us to get him out of hock. That’s how we got our contract.

  I

  What do you remember about Humorisk, the first movie you made?

  GROUCHO

  Never saw it. We only made two reels over at Fort Lee, and Jo Swerling worked on it. But we were playing at the Palace Theatre at the time, and we used to run over to Weehawken and do a scene. We did two reels, which didn’t make any sense at all. It was just trying to be funny. And that’s all. It disappeared. I don’t know who has it. No film of that around.

  I

  There’s a rumor that someone left it on the subway…

  GROUCHO

  Not true.

  I

  You told me no one directed it.

  GROUCHO

  No. Because there was nothing to direct.

  I

  Who paid for it?

  GROUCHO

  We did. We wanted to be movie actors. We wanted to be in the movies. And we thought this was a good way to get into the movies. So, we made two reels of this. And then we stopped.

  I

  Do you have a favorite Marx Brothers film?

  GROUCHO

  I liked the war picture [Duck Soup] and Horse Feathers, and I liked parts of Animal Crackers. But I guess my favorite is A Night at the Opera.

  I

  Why is it your favorite?

  GROUCHO

  The best made. It has great scenes in it—great funny scenes.

  I

  What are some of the scenes you particularly like?

  GROUCHO

  Well, certainly the scene in the stateroom where I’m meeting this lady, Mrs. Claypool, and when she arrives at the room, fourteen people come out. I’m having a rendezvous with her. You can’t do that with fourteen people! I also liked the contract scene—that was a fine scene. Good Kaufman and Ryskind.

  I

  What other scenes from your movies did you particularly like?

  GROUCHO

  Well, there are those two scenes at the beginning of Animal Crackers where Chico’s a musician. And the scene with Zeppo where I’m a lawyer dictating a letter to Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, and McCormick. I take a swing at him. That was great. Not only that—we had an imitation of Lunt and Fontanne, and a show that they were doing at that particular time, while we were doing Animal Crackers.

  I

  Strange Interlude.

  GROUCHO

  Yes. They were playing it on the square across the street, while we were doing it on the stage as a kidding scene where I was making love to two women—Rittenhouse and another woman.

  I

  You knew Bert Kalmar and Harry Ruby before Animal Crackers…

  GROUCHO

  Yes, I knew Kalmar and Ruby when I was in vaudeville. Ruby was a song plugger at Waterson, Berlin, and Snyder. I had gone there to learn a song, and Ruby was a song plugger then. And Kalmar always wanted to be a magician. Later on, when we toured during the First World War, Ruby played the piano and I sang and Kalmar did magic. We played in one place that was a federal prison. There were a lot of people there who were deserters from the Army. And it was a great audience. They were in there and couldn’t get out. They couldn’t walk out on us. Kalmar originally was an acrobat, and then he got into show business. Ruby wrote the music and Kalmar wrote the lyrics. Kalmar died many years ago. I must tell you a story about Ruby.

  We were doing Animal Crackers, and we decided, as each one’s birthday arrived, we would give him a bathrobe. So, Kaufman got a bathrobe, the four boys each got bathrobes. When the time came to give Ruby a bathrobe, we had decided not to give any more bathrobes. So we said we’re tired of giving bathrobes. We didn’t see any reason why we should give Ruby a bathrobe, but he had always chipped in for our bathrobes. So when we did Animal Crackers, we had a scene with a trunk. It was as big as this couch. And one night the top of this thing opens up, and there’s Ruby standing there and saying, “Where is my bathrobe?” It had nothing to do with the show.

  I

  What did you think about his doing that?

  GROUCHO

  I thought it was very funny. I laughed. To see a strange man come out of a piece of African furniture and ask, “Where is my bathrobe?”

  I

  Did he get his bathrobe?

  GROUCHO

  Yes. You’re too young to remember Walter Huston, but he had this berth under me on the train when we we were traveling in vaudeville, and he was laying this girl. Well, I had a lot of coat hangers in the upper berth—which you had in those days to hang your clothes on—and I kept throwing the coat hangers down on him while he was laying her. I always remind his son, John Huston, about it.

  I
r />   Life on trains apparently used to be more colorful.

  GROUCHO

  All sorts of things happened. Once there was this magic act, and there were six men in the act. All Chinese. And Chico had been up in the upper berth and had an affair with some hooker, or whatever she was, on the train. Then he invited all the Chinese to climb up this ladder to the upper berth, and they all laid her.

  I

  All together?

  GROUCHO

  No, one after the other. As the one came down, the next one went up the ladder.

  I

  All of this really happened on trains?

  GROUCHO

  Yeah! We were actors, and we used to pick out a lot of stuff. Our shows helped. We did a big act with W. C. Fields, and we had twenty girls in the act. It was a school act. And there was quite some humping went on there! And we used to ride motorcycles from town to town, too. With four girls on each one—two in the back and two in the front. The four of us had motorcycles.

  I

  How did you manage your luggage? There couldn’t have been much room left on the motorcycle with you and two girls in front and two in back.

  GROUCHO

  We sent our luggage by train.

  I

  How long did you travel this way?

  GROUCHO

  Through the whole interstates tour. That was Montgomery, Alabama, and Birmingham, Alabama, and Fort Worth, Dallas, and San Antonio. And two other cities. At one time Harpo and I had a race. To see who could ride the motorcycle the fastest. I had an Indian motorcycle, and Harpo had a Henderson. And we’re racing along this country road, and we hit a mule. And killed it. We got away from there as fast as we could. This was when we were playing small towns. I was about twenty. We had a cap tied right to your head so it wouldn’t blow off. And goggles. We were crazy about motorcycles and later on became crazy about automobiles. A motorcycle cost about $150.

  I

  That was a lot of money then.

  GROUCHO

  But look at the money we saved in traveling. And we loved the motorcycles. It was exciting.

  I

  You didn’t have your mustache in those days, or your famous walk, or the eyebrows…

  GROUCHO

  I had eyebrows. I didn’t have a mustache. I hardly needed to shave. When I was the teacher I wore a white wig, I looked like I was a hundred years old. The act was called Mr. Green’s Reception. When it started off, I was the teacher and there were the kids in the classroom. Then it was ten years later, and they had all come back to see me. It got to be very dramatic. We had a bowl on the stage with lemonade, and Harpo would stick his whole head in the bowl. Harpo liked lemonade. Harpo loved children. We were doing the football picture. There’s a little girl, that high. She’s five years old. And the cutest little girl I ever saw. Harpo was crazy about her. And he offered her parents $50,000 if they would let him take this little girl. Of course, they wouldn’t do it. But it turns out to be Shirley Temple.

  I

  You were quoted once as saying, “We always played to ourselves rather than the audience.”

  GROUCHO

  No, you’ve got it wrong. We always played with ourselves.

  I

  There must have been times when you had personal problems and had to go onstage when you didn’t feel like it. What if you had a bad cold?

  GROUCHO

  When I was out there, I didn’t feel it. When you’re onstage, that’s all you’re thinking about.

  I

  Were you ever nervous before going on?

  GROUCHO

  I was never nervous, because I knew I was better than the audience. You have to feel that way or you can’t get up there and do what you have to do. The first time Harpo went on, he shit in his pants. I missed a few shows, but not many. That one time, Zeppo had to go on for me, and he did well. Zeppo did all of us at one time or another. But of course he couldn’t play the harp or piano.

  I

  Do you mind not being up there in the spotlight anymore?

  GROUCHO

  No, I had it long enough.

  I

  If you were younger, is there a particular part you’d like to play?

  GROUCHO

  Rip Van Winkle. I think it would make a great show.

  I

  If you were older, is there a particular part you’d like to play?

  GROUCHO

  Yes. Rip Van Winkle.

  I

  Betty [Comden] and Adolph [Green] told me that you found Gypsy for them, even though they didn’t do it, and that you have a great eye for discovering potentially successful shows, as well as performers. For yourself, would you consider a small but interesting part in a dramatic film, not a comedy, if such an offer came along?

  GROUCHO

  I don’t know. It would depend on the part and if the hours were short. I’m a better judge when it’s comedy.

  I

  Was there ever a part that you would have liked to play that you didn’t play?

  GROUCHO

  I would have liked to play in My Fair Lady.

  I

  The Rex Harrison part?

  GROUCHO

  I wouldn’t have been a good Liza Doolittle. And I would have liked to play in The Matchmaker. I was asked to, but I sent the play back to them and told them it needed work. Ruth Gordon played it—took it to England. She wanted me to go along. It was a damned good play.

  I

  Are you happiest when you’re working?

  GROUCHO

  It depends. I was happy working with Bill Cosby. It was all ad-libbed. We had a few signs there, but the guy kept mixing up the signs. I had a lot of fun with Cosby. He’s a very funny man. Sure, I enjoy working and want to work. It gives me a chance to sing and to talk about many things, and it’s great.

  I

  You wouldn’t like to be retired completely?

  GROUCHO

  I could get along. I’d get a massage and take a walk and go see Nunnally and see That’s Entertainment again with Erin. I’ve seen it three times. It’s great. But I’m not gonna retire.

  I

  Would you say you enjoy performing more than anything else?

  GROUCHO

  No, I wouldn’t say that. I like girls better.

  I

  What do you think makes things funny?

  GROUCHO

  That’s an impossible question to answer. I do a show, and I talk, and some of the things are funny. It’s easier to make people cry than it is to make them laugh.

  I

  Lina Wertmüller told me the same thing.

  GROUCHO

  It’s true.

  I

  You have a funny inflection in your voice. Do you sound funny to yourself?

  GROUCHO

  Yes.

  I

  Did it surprise you when audiences laughed at something you didn’t think was that funny?

  GROUCHO

  Yes. You try different things, and if one thing doesn’t go, you take it out and try something else until you get something that the audience laughs at. If you keep talking long enough, you say something funny.

  I

  You do. That doesn’t happen for everyone. Did you have the experience of telling a joke that the audiences loved, and you didn’t know why it was so funny?

  GROUCHO

  Yes. There’s only one answer to an audience. If they like it, keep it. If they don’t laugh, take it out and try another one. That’s why we took A Night at the Opera and A Day at the Races on the road and tried them out before we made movies of them. There used to be an act in show business called the Klein Brothers. One was a comedian and one was a straight man. The comedian would say something that didn’t make any sense at all, and the straight man would say, “What in the world are they laughing at?” And the comedian would say, “What do you care, as long as they’re laughing?”

  I

  Do you ever feel badly when people don’t laugh at y
our jokes?

  GROUCHO

  Everything you say can’t be funny. I once did an interview with Sid Perelman for a London paper, and I think it was the dullest interview ever done with two men who were supposed to be funny.

  I

  Why?

  GROUCHO

  Because we were trying to outpunch each other. It’s not funny to see people trying too hard. I don’t like comedians who press. Did you ever hear of Robert Benchley?

  I

  Of course.

  GROUCHO

  Benchley was a wonderful man. He became a real big drinker. And I loved him, as I loved a lot of men. I like what Benchley used to say. He said to me once, “I realized I wasn’t funny, but I’d been doing it for fifteen years, and I was so successful I couldn’t stop.” He went up to Harvard—this was after he’d graduated, many years later. He said he had a wonderful time there watching the football game except for an occasional heart attack. He was one of the few humorists I ever met that laughed at other comedians’ jokes.

  I

  You always appreciate other comedians’ jokes when they are funny.

  GROUCHO

  People have no respect for comedy. They think it’s easy. But very few people have made a living doing comedy.

  I

  Do you think it’s extremely difficult for even the very talented, or do you think being funny comes easily to some?

  GROUCHO

  It wasn’t difficult for me to be funny.

  I

  Did you ever worry about being funny? Woody Allen said he worries about it.

  GROUCHO

  He doesn’t need to. He’s a genius. I worried when I got wiped out in the stock market in ’29. People were jumping out of windows.

  I

  Are you ever sorry about any of your jokes that are taken the wrong way, when someone seems to be personally hurt by your style?

  GROUCHO

  No. I don’t think so. They always remember what you said. That’s what’s important.

  I