Counting Goodbyes

by Whitney Cannavina

  “No, I get it. You don’t have to defend yourself. I would do the same for my friends.” Pausing, I contemplate if I should push for more answers. “So, who broke Beau’s heart?”

  I hadn’t realized how quickly we arrived back home before we pass through town and continue on.

  “I’m going to let him tell that story. Besides, we’re almost at the party. Let’s not drag it down with a sad story.” Nodding my head, I know Austin is right in not telling me. I’ll just wait for Beau to divulge his secrets.

  Turning down a dirt road that was easily hidden by a bunch of willowy trees, I wonder once again, how anyone ever finds anything out here with barely visible road signs. The road seems to go on forever with bumps rocking the truck side to side flinging me around like a ragdoll. Austin snickers at me and once again, I try to throw a scowl his way only to fall in a fit of giggles.

  “This is in no way funny but laughing seems to be contagious with you.” Pointing my finger at Austin, I try to look serious as I hold back from laughing. It’s no use though because I instantly burst out an ungodly snort before cracking up.

  “It’s a little funny or else you wouldn’t be laughing.” Trying to hide my smile with a glare, I lose the battle and choose to look away instead to hide my grin.

  “Ok, we’re here.” Austin looks at me for a moment, before looking out towards the field of partygoers. Following his line of sight, I notice as the trees break way into an open field where partygoers dance and mingle in front of a bonfire.

  “Wow. I am definitely not in California anymore.” Parties that I had been to before moving here were at other kid’s homes where we were packed in a house or tiny back yard like sardines. There was never a bonfire or a feeling of mellow fun like there is here. Yes, kids have drinks in their hands, some dirty dancing to a song I can’t quite hear, and being crazy, but they are all having fun, like a big large family reunion. There are a few odd balls, but for the most part everyone seems to get along, mingling with every group, in a generally relaxed atmosphere. Besides, we are all here for the same thing, to celebrate a win for the football team

  “Welcome to Texas.” Austin climbs down from his throne, comes around to my side of the cab and helps me down. The butterflies are more like giant bats as they flap and attack my stomach with nervous anticipation.

  Austin takes my hand easily in his and leads the way to the crowd of partygoers, and I can seem to think is…this night is perfect.

  Chapter 11

  Be glad.

  Be good.

  Be brave.

  -Eleanor Porter-

  This is the first party I’ve been to without Lacy and I am silently freaking out inside. I have no idea what I am doing here or how to mingle, but I promised Lacy I would step out of my comfort zone and try. If I can just find Bobby, then I’m sure it would be a lot easier with her by my side.

  “Are parties in this town always like this?” I hurry to keep up with Austin’s long strides practically jogging in my attempt.

  “Like what?” Austin questions, noticing I’m having trouble keeping up, so he slows his pace to match mine.

  “All mingly and easy going?” Gesturing with my hands, I try to put my thoughts into words.

  “Mingly? Is that like some sort of California lingo? In answer to your question, yes parties are typically mingly,” Austin laughs while using air quotes when using my made-up word. “Why? Have the parties you been to in your hometown been unfriendly and hostile?”

  “No. I’ve only been to a few…” Austin raises a brow at that, “Ok, I’ve only been to maybe three parties my entire life that were thrown by my peers and the atmosphere was…it wasn’t like this. People were more daring in some ways, using a party with drinking as an excuse to profess their undying attraction to other partygoers and after midnight, things got crazy. Less clothing, more dirty dancing, lots of drunken behavior, and some of it even turned into fighting. It was just not a relaxing environment unless you were too wasted to care.”

  “Lucky for you, this is nothing like that. Most of us take it easy on the alcohol because of the long drives to get home. You could easily get turned around and lost if you’re wasted. The dirty dancing happens, but we tend to mingle more than dance. Although, if you put on a country song then a few people will get out there and line dance. However, that doesn’t usually happen until later on. Fights rarely happen, unless someone steals someone else’s boyfriend or girlfriend.”

  “It’s like a whole new world here.” I tell him while looking around for anyone I know.

  “It could be because we all pretty much grew up together. Everyone knows everyone including each other’s families. I bet if you went into the more populated cities or towns, it may resemble more closely to the vibes of the parties you’ve been to.”

  “Hmm. Maybe.”

  “Would you like a drink?” My heart instantly lurches into my throat at just the thought of drinking. It’s not like I’ve never had a drink before. I’ve sipped drinks Lacy made and they were disgusting unless mixed with some sort of fruit concoction. But the thought of drinking and not being in control scares the crap out of me. My mom was completely sober when she was hit broadside by a drunk driver killing her instantly. That is about the only thing I’m grateful for when it came to her death. My mom didn’t suffer in her last moments and that was all I could ever ask for. I couldn’t imagine being the person who drove drunk, though. If my drinking caused harm, I don’t know how I could live with myself.

  Now to take the chance of being under the influence and unable to get myself home all because of a drink unsettles me. Knowing I came here with someone who most likely will be drinking frightens me even more. I can’t control someone else’s choices and if I were to get into a car with anyone who has had a drink, I can’t control what happens from the passenger seat if a situation were to occur.

  Austin must notice my hesitation as he lends a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “I can get you a soda or water if you don’t want a mixed drink or beer.”

  “Water please.”

  “Be right back.” Austin saunters toward a large ice chest by a group of kids I recognize from a few of my classes. He seems to know just about everyone as he waves hi, does the man hug with the back slap, and nods his head to those too far away to talk to.

  For a moment I stop, and stare at the stars above us, loving how you can see nearly every twinkling light blinking in the clear night sky. It’s beautiful and mesmerizing, and for a moment, I get lost in its beauty forgetting where I am.

  “There you are. I was wondering when you would finally arrive. Usually Beau gets here a lot sooner.” Bobby comes out of nowhere surprising me.

  “Well, I didn’t come here with Beau. Austin brought me…” Bobby interrupts.

  “Shut up. Girl, you move quick.”

  “No. It’s not like that. Trust me. Austin made it very clear.”

  “How do you mean he made it clear?”

  “Well, Beau had to help out at his parent’s restaurant, so he suggested Austin bring me here until he could get away. While Austin drove, he basically pointed out the reason for asking me out and to cancel with Beau was to make sure I was good enough for his friend. He didn’t want a flake or a girl who would play with Beau’s heart. If I had canceled, he would have told Beau what happened and nixed me out of the equation. So, I guess I passed. Although, it’s null and void since I don’t plan on being more than friends with Beau.”

  “Awe, Kayla. I’m sorry. I seriously thought Austin had a thing for you.”

  “Here’s your water. You guys talking about me?” Pleading with my eyes for Bobby to shut up, she pipes in with an answer to Austin’s question.

  “Why yes we sure were. We are looking for a girl for the star quarter back for the night. Do you have any in mind?” Bobby winks at me while my heart stops. Why would she ask him that knowing I have a crush on him and after what I just told her? There is no way in hell I am helping him find a girl.

 
; NO. WAY.

  “I have my eyes set on someone already, but thanks for the help.” My heart stalls at his admission. Of course, he already has a girl he likes. I really need to get over this ridiculous crush and find something else to focus on.

  “Hey Bobby, you wanna dance with me?” I ask. Furrowing her brows, her confusion for my need for distance is evident.

  “You’re leaving me already?” Austin fakes a wounded heart while I drag Bobby away and shouting a reply.

  “You’ll live. Find that girl you’re crushing on. I’m sure she can occupy you.” I sound like a jealous girlfriend. Wincing, I hope he doesn’t sense my jealousy.

  “Jeeze. Pull my arm out of its socket why don’t ya.”

  “Sorry. I just didn’t want to hear whom he is crushing on. If I had a name, I’m sure to find a face to match. Then I’ll constantly look at her and hate her for no apparent reason other than for the fact that it’s she whom Austin likes and not me.”

  “Wow. You’ve got it bad for Austin.”

  “I wish I didn’t. I don’t like this feeling. This feeling of being out of control of my own emotions and thoughts is so not like me. Life was so easy before him. I had my school to focus on, my friends. Boys were practically non-existent. Austin threw all that out the window and now all I can think about is his cute butt and panty-melting smile. He’s like the whole freaking package. Why couldn’t he have been a jerk? I could appreciate some jerks looks without falling for them.”

  Bobby laughs before leading me in a new direction. “Ah, Kayla. You’re so funny. Don’t worry. We can get you distracted.” Pulling me to a group of good-looking guys that also play on the football team, I wonder if in Texas, they grow their sons to look like rugged models.

  These boys are so hot that I’m practically fanning myself. But none of them can distract me from the runaway thoughts of Austin. I continue to make conversation, focusing on anything but the way Austin looks lit up by the flames from the bonfire. The play of shadow and light that flicker over Austin’s features make him seem nearly untouchable, almost godlike. I try to keep my eyes from returning to where he stands, but they can’t help it. He seems to also gaze at me with intense longing and appreciation, but that can’t be right. He said he already was interested in a girl and that girl isn’t me. I get chills imagining him regarding me as more than just a friend. I just wish it were not something I imagined and instead was the truth. Wishful thinking will get me hurt as I try to steer my thoughts elsewhere.

  “Ladies, lads. The party has arrived.” Beau squeezes his way between Bobby and I, making himself comfortable while everyone greets him with friendly hellos. These guys all play together and instantly begin ribbing each other and discussion the game. As much as I enjoy a flowing conversation, talking about football has gotten me bored. I guess the fact I don’t quite understand the sport could be why I can’t stay focused on the conversation. I didn’t grow up with football or any sport really, as a prominent part of my life. I grew up watching classic movies, listened to music of all generations, and read books of every genre to pass the time.

  “You want to go grab a drink?” Beau speaks close to my ear. I nod my head.

  “I’m just having water tonight. Are you drinking?”

  “I’ll probably have a few beers.” Shrugging as if it’s no big deal, I realize I should probably have him drive me home before he starts on the alcohol.

  “Oh, Ok. Well, can you take me home?” Beau looks pensively at my face, trying to figure out why I’d want to leave when he just got here not ten minutes ago.

  “Is everything ok?”

  “Yeah. I just don’t drink, and I would rather not be in a car with someone who has been drinking.” Beau nods his head as if this makes sense, yet not really understanding there’s more to it than that.

  “No worries, I’ll just have water then. I’d rather you stay and hang out with me and there really isn’t a need to drink. So, I’m good.” Following behind Beau, we make our way to the ice chest that holds the non-alcoholic beverages.

  “You don’t have to do that.”

  “Don’t worry about it. It’s no big deal. So how did you like the game?”

  “It was ok.” Biting my lip, I would rather not tell him that it actually bored me because I don’t have the first clue as to what was happening.

  “You’re not much for football, are you?” Beau chuckles.

  “You caught that did you?”

  “Yeah. But it’s ok. Maybe one day you’ll learn to love it.”

  “Maybe. I just don’t have a clue as to what is happening on the field.”

  “That explains it. I’ll have you over to watch football at my place and I’ll explain what’s going on. That way you won’t be so lost when you come watch me play.”

  The hope in Beau’s voice tells me he must like me more than as a friend. I need to shut this down before he thinks I feel the same.

  “Beau?”

  “Yeah?” Handing me a water bottle from the ice chest, we head to the bonfire and warm up. The night is beautiful with clear skies and stars sparkling brightly, that any other time, I would find it romantic, but knowing what I have to say kind of puts a damper on the beauty of it. Even the air seems to have cooled just enough to remind me that I’m putting a bucket of water on the flames of Beau’s interest in me.

  “I just wanted to tell you that I had fun tonight. Even though we didn’t get to hang out for as long as we thought, it was still fun.”

  “You’re falling for my rustic charm, aren’t you?” Turning the cap on the bottle, I take a swig as if I’m downing a shot to give me courage to go on.

  “Well, see…that’s the thing. I’ve had a lot of fun with you, but it’s more of a friendly fun than a romantic fun.”

  “Oh. I uh, I’m not sure what to say.”

  “Trust me it’s nothing you did. I just think we’d be better as friends. I really do like you but just not romantically.”

  “I guess I sort of get where you’re coming from. I’m not even sure if I’d be ready to be romantically available as it is, but you were different, and I knew if I didn’t take this chance to see if we could be more, I’d regret it later.”

  “Please tell me we are ok?” Laying a hand on Beau’s arm, I plead for him to still be my friend. Even with his cheesy lines and flirty attitude, I think we could be great friends.

  “Yeah. We’re good. You are too good for me anyways, Makayla.” Throwing me a wink, a blush tinges my cheeks as I giggle.

  “Never. You’re a great guy, Beau and I have no doubt you’ll find a girl that will make your heart soar.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You want to go hang out with your buddies? I think I am going to walk around and say hi to a few people.”

  “Yeah. I’ll come get you when it’s time to bring you home.” Nodding my head, we both turn in search of our friends. Bobby is around here somewhere because I saw her leave the group of players to talk to a few girls from our classes.

  “Having fun?” Austin reaches me with a drink in one hand and a killer smile that has me weak at the knees. Why is he so beautiful? There must be a flaw in there somewhere.

  “It’s been a good night.” Replying with ease, I almost feel as if Austin and I could have an easy relationship like Beau and I have, if it weren’t for that pesky little crush that won’t go away.

  “I would have thought you and Beau would be stuck at the hip, seeing as you’re on a date.” Shrugging, I’m not sure what to say. “Trouble in paradise already?” The snarky tone grabs my attention as I stop and turn to face Austin with a glare.

  “Not sure what your problem is Austin, but I’ll tell you this. Whom I date and what we do on our date doesn’t concern you. Keep yourself in check when you talk to me because I don’t take too kindly to jerks.” Spinning away, I stomp hurriedly over to where I spotted Bobby with a group of girls whose names I can’t remember. “Found his flaw. Figures he’d act like a jerk sooner or later.” Grumbling t
o myself, I don’t hear footsteps approach until I’m jerked back by my arm eliciting a yelp from my lips.

  “Hey!”

  “I wasn’t trying to be a jerk. I just don’t get why you would be walking around by yourself when Beau, your date, has been here for only a little while. Wouldn’t you think you would want to spend that time you have before you head home, to be with your date?” Emphasizing the word date, I cross my arms with a huff.

  “Like I said before, it’s none of your business. But since you will probably continue to hound me, I’ll tell you just to have you shut up already. I told Beau I thought we were better suited as friends and he agreed. Right now, I’m giving him space in case he only said that because it’s how I felt. I don’t want to hurt him because I think he is a great guy, I just don’t feel anything toward him in the romantic sense. You already knew this, and I don’t see the point in prolonging the inevitable.”

  “Good.” Austin mimics my stand with his arms crossed and a smirk on his lips confusing me.

  “Good?”

  “See you around beautiful.” What the heck? Is he freaking kidding me right now?

  “Grr.” Growling out my frustration, I tramp over to Bobby like I originally planned before mumbling loud enough for only her to hear.

  “He is such a jerk.”

  “Who is?” Bobby gives a little wave to her friends and pulls me to the side away from prying ears.

  “Austin.”

  “Austin?”

  “Yes. Austin. Why are you copying what I say?”

  “Sorry. Go on.”

  “Basically, in the car he made it clear he only asked me out to check if I was a going to hurt Beau, and just now he questioned why Beau and I are no longer together, as if we were even a couple. It was one date and Austin expected us to be stuck at the hip.” Growling again, I throw my hands in the air. “I told Beau I thought we’d be better off as friends and he agreed so we went our separate ways, not because we are hurt or mad or whatever, but because it just seemed right. You know?” Bobby just nods her head while a small smile plays on her lips. “Well apparently for Austin, he thinks he has to know everyone’s business and has the nerve to be snarky at me. Could you believe that? I mean, what’s it to him if Beau and I date or not.”