Defining Riley

by JJ Ellis

  “Yeah and my dad is here...but, I still have the keys to the condo. My dad is waiting until we get Terry’s stuff taken care of to let the lease lapse. Want to meet me there?”

  “Yeah. See you in a few.”

  RILEY SAT ON THE OLD couch, waiting for Aidan to arrive. He hadn’t had any problems getting out of the house because Johnny had gone to bed and fallen asleep quickly. He wasn’t sure if his boyfriend would be so lucky. He was just dozing off when the doorbell startled him awake.

  When he opened the door, Aidan was standing there with a shy smile on his face. That smile was the reason he had a tendency to want to protect him all the time. Maybe if he could get him to act as more of an equal, some of their problems would disappear. “Hey, get in here.”

  “Why am I always so happy to see you when we’ve had a fight?”

  “The same reason I am I guess,” Riley said pulling him into a kiss that ended with both of them on the couch. “I totally forgot we don’t have a gaming console here anymore. We can watch a movie or something.”

  “That sounds good, some Netflix and Chill maybe.”

  Riley laughed and pulled Aidan to lay down next to him. With a remote, he turned the TV on then wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. “Netflix first. I’m still trying to decide if we should halt the chill until we are back on track.”

  Aidan just sighed and relaxed back into Riley’s arms. But after a while of his boyfriend moving around behind him, he grabbed the remote and paused the movie. “So, by putting a halt to the chill did you mean everything leading up to the main event or just the main event.”

  “Are you horny, A?” he whispered in his ear.

  “How could I not be with you squirming around behind me,” Aidan murmured as he felt Riley’s lips on his neck.

  “How about one last time to tide us over?”

  Aidan rolled to face him and pushed his hands up under Riley’s shirt. “Make it count, who knows how long it will be.”

  “OH JESUS! WHAT THE hell?” Johnny yelled as he opened the door to the condo. Just as quickly he shut it. “Riley James get yourself cleaned up and dressed and open the door!”

  “Shit, shit, shit, shit,” Riley grumbled as he pulled away from Aidan and sat back on his haunches. “What is he doing here?”

  “I don’t know. He’s going to kill us both.”

  “Let’s clean up and face the music,” Riley sighed. “God, this is just my fucking luck.”

  The boys headed into the bathroom and were back out and getting dressed within five minutes. Aidan sat on the couch looking at his shoes while Riley opened the door. “Dad.” His eyes never left the floor.

  “Go sit next to Aidan, son.”

  Riley did as he was told and chanced a peek at his father. His heart dropped at the look of disappointment he saw in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Dad but we...”

  “Don’t,” Johnny warned holding a hand up. “I need you to answer a question for me.”

  “Okay,” the teens said in unison.

  “Are you two being careful, even if you are exclusive?”

  “It’s okay, Dad. We use condoms. Always. I still had some here stashed in the bathroom.”

  Johnny visibly relaxed and sat down in the chair across from the couch. “I could give you a long lecture about not having sex until you’re older but I won’t since you’ve apparently been doing it for a while and being responsible about it. But I am going to get on your cases about lying and sneaking out. Do you know how scared I was when I was woken up by a phone call from the guy in 2B saying he saw someone coming in here and then I looked in on my son and he was gone.”

  “Look, Dad. We needed to talk alone and spend some time together. The only place we could think of to go was here.”

  “Don’t give me that crap, Ri. You weren’t exactly talking when I walked in.”

  “Sir,” Aidan said shyly. “We didn’t exactly plan on doing what...what you walked in on. It was kind of a last hurrah before we backed off a bit. We want to get things straightened out.”

  Johnny let out a big, long breath. “Well, I admire you for that decision, but for one, you didn’t show much restraint and two it doesn’t change the fact that you both lied and snuck out. You could have been in danger and nobody would have known where you were. You both made some bad choices.”

  “How long am I grounded for,” Riley asked.

  “Two weeks and you will not breathe without me knowing.”

  “Yes, sir.” And he was once again a disappointment. Par for the course of being raised by Terry Johnson.

  “Aidan, I called your dad before I came over here looking for Riley. He’s expecting you home.”

  Aidan stood and put his jacket on. “Okay, sir. Are you going to tell him about what you caught us doing?”

  “No, I think he’s angry enough that you snuck out. He can draw his own conclusions as to why.”

  “Thank you, Mr. Johnson,” he said bending down to kiss Riley goodbye.

  “Get your jacket too, Riley. Let’s get home.”

  Riley knew the lecture wasn’t over and probably wouldn’t be by the time they made it home either.

  THE GOOD NEWS WAS THAT Riley got to keep his phone so he could always keep in contact with his father. The bad news was that at the moment he couldn’t care less. As soon as he’d arrived home and the lecture wound to a halt, he went to bed. Sleep didn’t come. Instead, an ache in his heart and a sense of dread in his stomach took over his body and mind. He was now stuck in deep water, unable to stay above for very long yet unable to fully drown before seemingly miraculously air or maybe it was life, was once again pumped into him. It lasted just long enough for the cycle to start again.

  He missed the steady flow of thoughts that used to filter through his mind. Now, each thought was brief, fleeting and punctuated by a loud screaming exclamation point. He was just like his ‘dad’, he wasn’t. He’d betrayed Johnny, he hadn’t. He was strong and confident, he wasn’t. He could handle anything life threw at him, he couldn’t. He needed sleep to get away from it all, but when it came it only lasted for a while before he had to force it to start over and once morning came, he didn’t want to face the day. He couldn’t face what was to come. What if he messed it up?

  18

  EVEN DEEPER?

  RILEY MANAGED TO FUNCTION decently over the next week. He was still taking extra pills but they weren’t working any better. He kept telling himself that his month was almost over and he could get something new from the doctor but most of the time, he didn’t believe it. He could no longer see himself in a future sense. At this point, the furthest he could see was the weekend when he’d be meeting Jeffery and his friend. He’d even managed to score some weed. All he had left to do was get away from his dad’s prison. And fortunately for him, the opportunity presented itself Friday night.

  “Hey, Ri. I have to run to Casper tomorrow. Can I trust you to stay here and behave?”

  “Yeah. Aidan’s out of town and I have a sh...uh, a buttload of school work to catch up on.”

  “Okay but I’ll call to check on you and you’d better answer. If I had any other choice...”

  “Yeah, I know,” Riley mumbled. He hated being reminded of the trust he’d so blatantly broken. But he couldn’t argue that he deserved every moment of his dad’s distrust.

  SATURDAY FOUND RILEY bouncing between excitement and fear. Being with Jeffery had been a big high but the thought of adding in someone else both excited and scared him. It was the same for the pot and pills. If he was high enough on life or by artificial means he didn’t feel like he was drowning. Getting to that high was rough though because he was walking in Terry’s shoes. Eventually he hoped it would all even out but for now, he had to do what made him functional.

  He had woken to Johnny’s first call of the day. He’d had to leave earlier than planned and would be an hour later coming home. This made Riley happy, his safety window had increased.

  At about twelve thirty, he hopped into the s
hower and by one p.m. sharp he was knocking on Jeffery’s door.

  “Hey, you made it.”

  Riley put on his charming smile and stepped inside. “I said I would.” His heart was racing as his eyes moved around the room looking for the other guy.

  “Shit! Riley Johnson?” The voice came from the hallway.

  “Barry Wilson? You’re...” Barry was a former rancher kid who’d escaped when his parents’ ranch went bankrupt.

  “Yeah. Didn’t realize you were either. You were dating Samantha Marsten when I left.”

  “Yeah, I like girls too.” He grinned. “Is this going to be awkward for you?” He himself wasn’t sure yet.

  “Hell no,” Barry laughed. “Do you know how hard it as to keep my crush on you a secret?”

  “Well then,” Riley said with another grin as he pulled a baggie of joints out of his jacket pocket. “Let’s get this party started.”

  “HEY, RI, WANT ONE?” Barry asked as he popped a pill into his mouth.

  “Nah, I’ve got to get going. I’ve got some shit to do so I can get a new car since I wrecked mine.”

  “Well then, this should help,” Barry said pulling a wad of cash out of his pocket and putting it in Riley’s hand.

  “Wha...what’s this for?”

  “What do you mean, what’s it for. You provided a service and I am paying you for it. It was part of the deal.”

  “Just take it, man,” Jeffery cut in as he walked back into the room. “And there’s plenty more where that came from if you want.”

  Riley sat at the foot of the bed in the guest room feeling like he was going to lose his lunch. They thought he was a man whore? Or did they just want to turn him into one?

  “I take a hundred off the top and you get the rest.”

  “Oh, I... I don’t know...”

  “Just think about it,” Jeffery said. “Let me know what you decide.”

  Riley nodded and stood up. Grabbing his jacket, he struggled into it and walked to the door. “It feels strange taking this.”

  “It always does the first time,” Jeffery chuckled. “Just enjoy it.”

  “Yeah, man. I put a little bonus in between the bills,” Barry said. “Use it, it’ll make you feel better.”

  Riley was afraid to look so he just stuffed it all in his pocket. “You were testing me?”

  “Yeah. Some guys can’t handle it. We wanted to make sure.”

  “What if I don’t want to continue?”

  “Then we all part amicably. We know you won’t rat us out because you have just as much to lose as we do. You have a boyfriend, right? His name is Aidan.”

  “Yeah. I won’t rat you out if I decide not to...to do this. But I need to think about it.”

  “Take your time, man. You have my number.”

  Riley nodded and walked out of the room then out of the house. He felt used, needed, angry, exhilarated and scared out of his mind. Was he really considering having sex for money?

  Just as he was walking up to the front door, his dad called. “Hey, Dad.”

  “Hey, kiddo. What are you doing?”

  Riley walked in and headed straight for the bathroom. “I’m going to take a shower. I’ve been sitting around in my sweats all day. I feel gross.”

  “Okay. I’m about an hour outside Casper. I’ll be home in about an hour and a half or so. The meeting ended early.”

  “Oh.... uh, okay. I’ll see you soon then.”

  “Talk to you later, son.”

  Riley stepped into the shower thinking he would wash up, start a load of laundry and fix dinner for his father. But those thoughts fled the moment the hot water hit his aching body. If Aidan had made him feel like that it would have been a good thing, but now it just reminded him of what he’d done, not just that day but pretty much every day since he’d been forced to pull the trigger and end a man’s life. And it wasn’t just any man, it was an evil man that he’d once called dad. Dropping first to the shower seat and then to the floor, he cried until there were only dry sobs and hiccups left.

  A numbness like he’d never felt before invaded Riley’s whole body. He barely remembered what he had done seconds after he did it. His clothes found their way into the hamper. His sweats and a dark tank top found their way onto his body and he found himself walking to the coat closet with his jacket when the wad of cash fell out of his pocket along with a baggie full of white powder. Hadn’t Barry said it would make him feel better about something? It wouldn’t hurt to try.

  Riley sat at the coffee table in the living room, staring at the paraphernalia in front of him. It reminded him of a scene he’d witnessed recently. Except the full amount of powder was still there and the man at the table was a teen with tears once again tracking down his face.

  “Riley. Son. What’s wrong?” Johnny waited a moment in the doorway and after no response, he hurried over and sat next to his son on the floor. “Riley, how much did you use?”

  He looked up at his dad and frowned. What was he doing there? “Dad?”

  “How much coke did you use, Ri. I need to know.”

  “None. I was going to but...Dad, I need help?”

  Johnny wrapped his arms around his son. “Anything you need. Is it drugs?”

  “No. I, I just feel so lost. Or...or like I’m drowning. I don’t want to be like Terry but every choice I make sets me up for being just like him. I’m tired.”

  “The medicine was supposed to help you. But I just think it makes you worse.”

  “I’m scared, Dad. I don’t want to go to the hospital.”

  It’s okay, Ri,” Johnny pulled his phone out of his pocket. “I can’t guarantee anything but I need to call Doctor Conrad.”

  “Okay,” Riley whispered. “I can’t do this anymore, what choice do I have.”

  Johnny paced the living room waiting for the doctor to return his call. The answering service said it should only be about a half hour.

  “It’s all flushed,” Riley said coming back into the room. “I didn’t pay for it if you’re wondering.”

  “Well, that’s good...I think. Where the hell did you get it from?”

  “That kid who gave me a ride. He tried to get me to go do it with him. I think he stuck it in my pocket.”

  The phone rang just when Johnny was about to say something. “Hello, Doctor Conrad.”

  Riley sat listening to his dad and the doctor talk, trying to discern what was going to happen to him. But it was no use, he didn’t have any idea what they were planning.

  “Okay, Riley, sit down and we’ll discuss what the doctor told me.”

  “Do you have a problem with what he told you? You seem a little irritated.”

  “He just bothers me,” Johnny chuckled. “He’s so aloof like he doesn’t give a damn about what you’re saying or going through.”

  “Can we change?”

  Johnny set his phone on the coffee table and leaned back against the cushions. “I’ll call on Monday. But until then, we’ll do what Doctor Conrad suggested. We need to wean you off this medicine. Apparently, it’s not safe to just stop.”

  “Okay,” Riley questioned. “And that means?”

  “We cut your dose to half for four days then a quarter for four and so on until you are off completely and we go see him for your regularly scheduled appointment on March first.”

  “So, another couple weeks? God, I hate this. I want it over now.”

  “I know, Ri. But we have to do this by the book so you don’t end up worse. We’ll make it work. I promise.”

  “But how, Dad.? Adella needs you right now more than ever. This isn’t fair to you.”

  “I can handle it, Ri. Besides, Addie is going to Casper. She needs more help than I can give her.”

  “What...what do you mean?”

  “Ben caught her doing it again. She hadn’t stopped for long. And with all the other stuff that happened, I...I just don’t have the knowledge to help her.”

  “I’m sorry, Dad.”

  “Me t
oo, kiddo but we’ll all be okay. Meanwhile, I want you sticking close to me until this medication starts to leave your system.”

  “Okay. Can I keep going to school?”

  “Of course. You seem to be okay there.”

  Riley smiled. “I mostly am because I’m always busy. It’s when I have time to think that it gets really bad. Can I ask you a question?”

  “Always.”

  Riley started fidgeting with the draw string on his sweats because he didn’t have the courage to look into his father’s eyes. “Are there any ways that I’m like you?” There, he’d asked it. But would there be any answers that he would like?

  “Yeah, actually you and I have a lot in common. You’re very smart. I got good grades and Terry didn’t. You’re an amazing athlete. I played three sports and Terry couldn’t tell a basketball from a football.” Johnny paused and smiled. “You have a big heart behind a shield. I was the same once I got away from the bully mentality. But you’re most like me in the way that you think. You always have to fight between what you think is best for others and what you want. Wanting to stay with Samantha because of her illness but wanting to be with Aidan too for example.”

  “I’m not so sure that’s a good thing,” Riley said with a chuckle.

  Johnny chuckled back. “Maybe not but once you learn to differentiate what’s going to work best, your life gets easier.”

  “But how?” Riley asked.

  “For me it was counseling. I think it might be for you too. It helps you calm the jumble.”

  BY MONDAY, RILEY WAS back at school. He wasn’t feeling much better but at least he had the hope of not being on the medication soon. Probably sooner than anyone could imagine because he planned to stop cold turkey. They said not to, but the results couldn’t be any worse than what he was already going through.”

  As he walked to his dad’s office after school his mind warred between needing to be safe with his family and his need to see Aidan. He knew which would win but that didn’t stop him from thinking about it, and aching with the need to see his boyfriend even thought he was beginning to doubt the relationship a bit. “Hey, Dad.” The bell over the door jingled as he entered.