Defining Riley

by JJ Ellis

  “Hey, how was school?”

  Riley shrugged and tossed his backpack on a nearby chair. “Same as always, I guess.”

  “In this case, that’s a good thing. How would you like to go away for a couple of days at the end of the week? And by the time we get back, you’ll have your doctor’s appointment.”

  “But what about school?”

  “Friday and Monday are teacher in-service days. You’ll be free.”

  Riley sat in the receptionist’s chair and spun it around. “Sure, sounds good. Where are we going? I’d rather not go down to Colorado.”

  “I had the same thought,” Johnny chuckled. “Ben Croft’s dad got Dylan Harper to let us use his hunting lodge while he’s not using it.”

  Riley looked at his uncle with doubt.” So, the little brother of the boy you bullied is willing to let you use his cabin?”

  “Kind of surprised me too,” Johnny admitted. But they accepted Adella as part of Ben’s life and truthfully, they’ve been pretty cool to me.”

  “Well, okay then. I guess we’ll spend the weekend in the mountains. I just wish Addie could be there.”

  “Me too.”

  LATER THAT NIGHT, WITH Aidan over for dinner, Riley was actually having fun. The two teens, who had synced a third controller to the game console proceeded to beat the pants off Johnny several times amid much laughter. “You know, if I had my ancient Nintendo system, the roles would be reversed,” Johnny said as he resigned himself to defeat.

  “You want to go again, Mr. Johnson?” Aidan asked with a sly grin.

  “Oh no,” Johnny laughed. “I’ve had enough embarrassment for one night. I’ll fix you guys a snack and then I’m going to play spectator while I read the newspaper.”

  When Johnny had finally left the room, the boys kissed. “I’ve missed you,” Aidan whispered. “What’s been going on with you?”

  “I’m not sure you’ll want to know,” Riley said with half a chuckle.

  “Why would you say that? I want to know everything. It’s part of being a couple, right?”

  “You’re sure?”

  “Yeah, Ri. Spill it.” Aidan put his controller down and turned his full afternoon to his boyfriend.

  “Well, it all started while my dad was taking Addie to Casper.”

  “So, your medication caused you to have a mental breakdown and to top it all off, you almost snorted coke?”

  Riley stood up and started to pace. “And that’s why I didn’t want to tell you. You’re so fucking judgmental.”

  “I...I’m sorry, Ri. I’m just in shock. None of this sounds like the Riley I know. I mean you had a certain bad boy charm but not like this. Cocaine is what you hated your...Terry for using.”

  “I didn’t actually do it, A. I was all messed up. I couldn’t think straight.”

  Aidan sighed heavily. “I know. I just...I’m sorry, I don’t know how to react. I feel like you’re being pulled away from me by some invisible source. I don’t know what to do.” The last sentence was whispered.

  Riley sat down next to him and rested his head on his shoulder. “Just be here for me while I sort through this.” They were about to kiss when the doorbell rang.

  Johnny rushed out to answer it but soon called Riley over.

  “Oh hey, Mrs. Marsten. How are you?”

  “I’m getting there, Riley,” she said with a small smile. “I stopped by because when I was going through Sammi’s things, I found a letter for you. The envelope is dated the day she went into the hospital. I thought you’d like to have it.”

  Riley reached out, hesitating for only a moment before he took the pink envelope. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. Take care, Ri.” She turned and walked to her car.

  “Are you going to read it?” Johnny asked as they settled around the coffee table with the snacks he’d prepared.

  “I...” He looked at Aidan then back down to the envelope. “I think I’ll read it at bedtime when I’m alone and it’s quiet.”

  “Speaking of which,” Aidan said as he stood. “I’m going to get going. And that way you can read it all the sooner.”

  “You don’t have to, A. It can wait.”

  Aidan smiled and bent to place a kiss on Riley’s lips. “Text me later.” He turned and walked out of the house.

  “That was strange,” Johnny commented.

  “Samantha makes him uncomfortable. He’ll weird out for a while then be okay.”

  “Alright. Are you going to help me eat some of this stuff or go to bed so you can read the letter?”

  Let’s watch the end of the game. I’m not tired yet.”

  RILEY CRAWLED UNDER the covers and turned the bedside lamp on. He was actually nervous about reading the letter. If it was just Samantha saying what an ass he’d been, he didn’t need that right now. But if it was something else...

  Ripping the envelope open before he could change his mind, he settled in to read the delicate pink pages.

  Riley,

  As you will probably know by the time you read this, I’m dying. I just couldn’t do a third round. I’m pretty sure I would just have to deal with a fourth. I wanted my last weeks to be fun, surrounded by the people I love most. So, I stopped chemo and had Mom bring me home. When I saw the look on your face when I came over the day I got back, I knew I’d lost you. And that’s when I formed this horrible plan. You were going to be mine until I died.

  Riley, I knew you were with Aidan since the second day I came home. First, I think I wanted to die knowing you weren’t truly with me. But I also didn’t want you to feel bad for moving on. I knew I would be dead soon so I figured we could make a go of it for a month and then you’d be free to have Aidan. When we ran into him it was so strange. When I saw you kissing and saying that you loved each other it hurt more than I thought it would.

  And suddenly I had another plan. I would give you your freedom before I died as a last great gesture. I never thought that maybe this would hurt you more than continuing the charade for a while. I am so sorry, Ri. I love you so much; as a best friend and as my first love. And now as I lie here struggling to breathe sooner than I thought it would happen, and knowing I won’t see any more tomorrows, I regret everything I did and said over the last two months, except for spending time with you.

  Please tell Aidan I’m sorry. And please find it in your heart to forgive me. Until we meet again, Riley James. I love you.

  As he put the letter on his lap and leaned his head back against the headboard, tears streamed down his face. He wished he’d never opened the letter because he was now more confused than ever. He felt betrayed but also relieved of some of the blame. Which increased his guilt over having betrayed two people he loved in the first place.

  “Son, is everything okay?” Johnny asked from the bedroom doorway.

  “I don’t know,” he sobbed.

  Johnny walked into the room and over to the bed where he sat next to his son. “What did the letter say?”

  Riley handed it over. “Read it.”

  When Johnny was done, he hugged his son. “It’s hard reading letters after the person is gone. There is always a certain amount of guilt involved.”

  “I’m so angry at her but also relieved that she knew and was trying to accept it.”

  “You miss her too, though,” Johnny murmured.

  “So much. If she was here...”

  “You’d still be doing what you’re doing. You would still feel guilty and you’d probably be without a boyfriend or a girlfriend.”

  “You think so?”

  “Yes, Ri. Terry still would have been arrested, you would still have come to the mountains and you would still have used any means necessary to save Adella.”

  “I just want to go back to when things didn’t hurt so much,” Riley sobbed in his dad’s arms.

  “We all do at some point. But it’s not possible so we have to dig deep and find our strength to move on.”

  “I’m not sure I have that ability, though,�
� Riley murmured.

  “Oh, but you do, Ri. You’ve used it many times before. Right now, it’s just buried under the crap. We’ll help you find it, I promise.”

  “Okay.” He wasn’t so sure it was possible, but he was tired and needed some sleep to escape. “I think I’m going to try to sleep, Dad.”

  “Alright. I’ll see you in the morning.” Johnny reluctantly left but was back a half hour later to sleep in the spare bed. Something about the look in his son’s eyes when he’d first walked into the room scared him more than the sight of Ben Harper’s dead body.

  BY THURSDAY NIGHT, Riley was back into the groove of pretending that everything was great on the outside while he was still dying on the inside. It had been several days since he’d had any medication. Despite his happy outer demeanor, he felt anger building in his gut. He remembered the feeling from when Terry was alive but then it was sporadic. Now it was constant and just under the surface. But he could deal with it as long as it didn’t hang around after the medicine wore off completely.

  Not wanting to just hang around the house, Riley and Johnny decided to head to the diner for dinner. And that way there would be no dishes to do before they left for the mountains in the morning.

  “Oh,” Johnny said pausing while the waitress set their food down in front of them. “Did you hear about the raid down the street?”

  “No,” Riley answered around acid that suddenly worked its way up into his throat.

  “I guess Jeffery Roberts was caught starting a male prostitute ring in Sheridan. They raided his parents’ house down the street.”

  Riley stopped with his fork midway to his mouth He consciously moved it back down to his plate. “Wow, that’s crazy.”

  “No, what was crazy was that this kid thought he could use underage kids and record them to use as collateral to keep them quiet.”

  Riley continued to breathe evenly and act natural. He even chuckled. “Well, I knew Jeffery and he wasn’t the most street-smart kid I ever met.”

  “Apparently,” Johnny laughed. “They say it’s going to cause a lot of problems for people in both towns. I’m not looking forward to watching it play out on the news.”

  “Yeah.” Riley swallowed hard. “Me either. Excuse me. I need to go to the bathroom.” Walking as normally as he could manage under the circumstances, he entered the men’s restroom, chose the first stall and threw up. It was just a matter of time before everyone knew what he’d done. And it was all recorded. Not only would he be ruined but so would Johnny and Adella. A sudden thought had him laughing crazily. The transformation was final. He was now the spitting image of Terry Johnson, loser at everything he did in life, a disgrace to the family name.

  19

  THE DARKEST PIT

  RILEY WASN’T SURE HOW, but he had managed to finish dinner and desert. It was now three in the morning and he’d only dozed for a couple of hours. He’d been pacing the floor when he heard his dad’s phone ring. And now he could hear his footsteps coming down the hall so he crawled into bed and closed his eyes.

  “Hey, Ri. Wake up.”

  “What? What’s going on?”

  Johnny was near tears. “I have to go to Casper Adella is having an issue and they need me to come take care of it.”

  “Oh, okay,” Riley said sitting upright in bed. “We’ll go to the mountains another time.”

  “Actually,” Johnny said. “I was thinking that you could head up in daylight and I’ll meet you up there late tonight.”

  “So, you won’t be staying in Casper?”

  “No. Addie is having issues following orders and I have to go sign some new permission slips and have a talk with her. I’ll tell you more tonight when I know more.”

  “Uh.... okay, I guess. We can do that, but I don’t have a car.”

  “I got you a new one but I had it parked at the condo until you were feeling better. It’s licensed and ready to go.” He held out a key and Riley took it.

  “Wow, thanks.”

  “I knew you’d need a new one eventually. I was going to make a big show of it but then shit happened so...”

  “Thanks again, Dad,” he said hugging him. “Drive safe and tell Addie I love her.”

  RILEY WAITED FOR HIS dad to leave then got dressed and walked over to the condo. He wasn’t going to sit alone in that old house all night worrying when his name would drop in the sex scandal. Instead, he would head up to the mountain and take a sunrise hike while worrying about his name dropping.

  After stopping by the house to grab the supplies Johnny had packed the day before, Riley headed up into the beautiful Bighorn mountains of Wyoming. He’d never been inside the Harper cabin but he’d been a guest of their not so near neighbors many times. His friend Jasper used to have the rancher kids up all the time. Barry had been a part of that group. He wondered how his old friend was faring with the scandal. He assumed he’d been a partner the whole time.

  It was amazing how everyone’s life seemed to be changing so drastically. Barry seemingly wanted to own a whore house, Samantha was dead, Aidan had turned into a whiney little pussy, Ash took over the reins as head bully, and he, Riley Johnson, was a lying, cheating, murdering, druggie, whore. What was left? Ah, his ‘dad’s’ finale was still to be accomplished; kidnapping and rape. But the minute he had that thought he knew he’d rather die than add those tags. The belief almost made him feel better.

  If he could just disappear, no one would have to deal with the fallout. His dad could be there for Adella and her health issues one hundred percent. Aidan could find a boyfriend who didn’t like motorcycles and wasn’t mentally unstable and the Johnson family could blame the actions that will tarnish their name on the same thing. Everyone would be happier, and he wouldn’t feel so suffocated or angry. It took all of his energy to not ram the car that had cut him off. He wanted to hit and to hurt and then to not hurt every again.

  RILEY RESTED THE BOXES of supplies on the porch while he unlocked the door then carried them in and put them away. The sun was just coming up and would be the perfect time for a walk but he hadn’t slept all night.

  He was afraid to lay down but his body wasn’t giving him much choice. He craved sleep, solace but he knew when his head hit the pillow his mind may not let him rest.

  “What are you doing?” Terry asked.

  “What does it look like?” Riley grumbled as he sat on the porch of the harper cabin with a shot gun in his hands.

  “It looks like you’re going to join me in Hell,” Terry laughed. “It’s about time. Do you now what kind of shit you’ve put your family through? And I’m sure your mama is there on the other side crying her eyes out knowing that her sweet baby boy killed her loving husband in cold blood.”

  “I know what I’ve done so shut up, old man.”

  “Imagine what will happen when they return the DVDs with your whoring on it to your new daddy. He’s going to be compelled to watch it, to identify you. And he’s going to see you getting it up the ass for money. His image of the perfect little son he always wanted will be ruined.”

  “Shut up!” Riley raged.

  “Do it, boy. Put the gun in your mouth. I want to see you do what good ol Ben Harper did. He was a good kid. He’s not here but you will be. Father and son, forever.”

  “Stop!” The voice was unfamiliar, but it came from a young red headed boy who washed the image of Terry away with one stroke of his hand. “Don’t listen to him.”

  “Who...who are you?”

  “My name is Ben, Ben Harper.”

  Riley felt peaceful for the first time in a long time. “You talked to me after the accident, didn’t you?”

  “I did.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t take your advice. My mind has been a little over worked lately.”

  “I understand,” Ben said with a kind smile. “I had meds mess me up once too.”

  “Really?” Riley hadn’t known that part of the story.

  “Yep, let me guess, you doubled up on them, had a breakd
own and stopped them cold turkey.”

  “You’re good,” Riley chuckled.

  “Yeah,” Ben laughed back. “Apparently, you aren’t supposed to do stuff like that.”

  “I wish I would have listened,” Riley admitted.

  “Me too,” Ben whispered.

  They were silent for the count of a hundred then Ben moved up and sat on the porch next to him. “Can I give you some important advice?”

  “Why do you want to help me after what my family did to Mr. Croft and to you?”

  “That’s part of my advice. Suicide affects everyone it touches. And the affects aren’t pretty. If I can save you from being the second person in your father’s life to inflict this horrible thing on so many people, I have to try.”

  “Tell me,” Riley whispered. He couldn’t really pinpoint the negatives. But he was willing to listen. He wanted to know.

  “Well, first, you may have put your loved ones through a lot of shit lately but it is nothing compared to what they will go through if you use that shotgun. My death nearly destroyed my parents’ marriage and kept my dad from getting to know his grandsons. It stripped my brothers of their trust and their ability to love. It turned the town my family founded on its head and created a society of hate for a long time.”

  “But your family is doing great and the town is the most tolerant in the region,” Riley argued. “And my dad changed for the better.”

  “Do you know how much pain, tears, and heartache it took to get there? Do you know what my family, my friends and the love of my life had to go through year after year after year? And do you realize that to this day, their hearts still ache with what I did? It wasn’t worth it, Riley. My death at sixteen did not create all of this good stuff. The legacy I left did and those are two different things. I, with the help of my family and friends, could have created the same results if I had lived. My family would have been fine and the town would have become tolerant without all of the pain my death caused and still causes.”