Living Again

by L. L. Collins

  The pain that radiated throughout her body was almost welcome after the emotional pain she had endured over the last month. At least this pain would get her somewhere. Kayley breathed hard and lay back against the pillow, exhausted.

  “Come on, Kayley, you’re almost there!” Dr. Moore encouraged her to keep going through her exhaustion. Kayley listened and forced her body to cooperate. She pushed and pushed, pretending that Alex was standing next to her, whispering how much he loved her in her ear. She smiled through the pain, enjoying her daydream.

  “Good job, Kayley! The baby is coming!” Dr. Moore sounded as happy as the rest of them. Kayley and Alex’s parents were all in the room for support. Emily was out in the waiting room with Kayley’s brother and Alex’s brother and sister.

  At 7:13am, a beautiful baby was born to Kayley and Alex Carson. Dr. Moore held up the baby, and this time, everyone cried from happiness.

  “It’s a…girl!” Dr. Moore shouted. Kayley was shocked. All along she was convinced that it was a boy. After Alex died, she was even more convinced to name her son after her husband. But she was a girl! A girl!

  “Kayley!” Renee Johnson hugged her daughter, looking at the beautiful newborn girl that was her new granddaughter.

  “Is she okay?” Kayley asked, an edge of worry and panic in her voice. Dr. Moore nodded his head.

  “Kayley, she’s absolutely perfect,” he said, as a nurse walked towards Kayley holding her daughter, wrapped in a blanket.

  She watched as the nurse put her baby girl in her arms. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from the little girl’s face. She traced her daughter’s face with her finger, memorizing everything about her. Her little button nose, her pursed full lips, tiny ears, her eyes tightly shut. Alex, she thought. We have a baby girl, Alex. Look at her. She is beautiful. The baby mewed and Kayley leaned down and kissed her face.

  “I’m your Mommy,” she whispered, her voice cracking with emotion. “I will love you forever and ever. I will never let anything bad happen to you.” Tears ran out of her eyes and onto the baby’s blanket.

  The new grandparents surrounded Kayley’s bed, all talking and crying at once. Emily and all of the siblings came in next, and the room was an incredible celebration of life. Kayley looked around the room, watching her family pass around her newborn baby girl, and for the first time in a month, she felt happy. She smiled, and it felt good. The guilt stayed away for just a moment and she allowed herself to feel jubilation. She was a mom now. She was still incredibly sad that her husband would never meet their daughter. But, Kayley knew he was always there with them. Always.

  As her baby was finally passed back to her, Kayley looked down at her perfect little face and saw Alex’s face in their precious newborn daughter. She knew what she had to do.

  “Alexis,” she announced to the room. All eyes turned to her. “Her name is Alexis. She will always carry a part of her dad with her.”

  The room quieted as everyone thought about what Kayley just said. Their daughter, hers and Alex’s. The daughter that he would never get to meet, but was part of him. Now her name would be part of him, too.

  “That’s beautiful, sweetie,” Renee Johnson wiped tears from her eyes. “Alexis Carson. Beautiful. Alex would love it.”

  “What about her middle name?” Emily piped up. “I think her name should be Alexis Kayley Carson. For her mom and her dad.”

  Tears threatened to overtake Kayley as her best friend in the world suggested she name her daughter after her as well. She looked down at her precious daughter, sleeping in her arms. Everyone murmured their agreement.

  “Alexis Kayley Carson,” Kayley said it out loud. “What do you think about that, baby girl?” She looked around the room at the smiling, happy faces of her and Alex’s family. The precious bundle in her arms squirmed and tried to blink open her eyes.

  “Alexis Kayley Carson it is,” Kayley confirmed, nuzzling her sweet face, in disbelief that she was finally here.

  Kayley rocked Alexis, rubbing her back absently while lost in a daydream. She was exhausted, having not slept much at all in the last four weeks.

  Alexis was a great baby. She ate well and slept well, except for one thing. She didn’t sleep much at night. Kayley tried and tried, but couldn’t get the baby to figure out when it was night and when was day.

  Alex’s parents had stayed for two weeks after Alexis was born, and Kayley’s mom and dad came over every day to help her out. Her dad took care of the outside of the house, and her Mom cooked and cleaned and held Alexis so Kayley could take a nap. Emily would come over almost every day after work with Catherine, for company. Kayley was only alone at night, when her infant wouldn’t sleep and she had all the time in the world to think about what she didn’t have. Alex.

  It had been two months since his death, and Kayley still couldn’t figure out how to do life without him. Everywhere she looked, he was there. Even in her daughter’s face. Alexis looked so much like her dad. It was both a blessing and a curse. Kayley wished with every moment of the day that Alex was there to watch their daughter grow. She had grown so much already, a month old. Kayley knew time was going to fly by, and their daughter would walk and talk and be a little person. A person who asked questions about her Daddy. She had already started a little scrapbook for her daughter- writing down everything about her dad, as well as pictures and memories from his life. If Kayley had anything to do with it, their daughter would always know how much her daddy loved her.

  Alexis stirred, lifting up her head and looking into Kayley’s eyes. Kayley kissed her soft, fuzzy head and smiled at her. Alex’s big blue eyes stared back at her. When she looked at her daughter, she swore that she was seeing Alex.

  “Hey, baby girl, you awake?” Kayley cooed, standing up to change Alexis’ diaper. Just at that moment, her cell phone buzzed from her pocket. Kayley fished it out and looked at the number. Emily.

  “Hey, Em,” Kayley answered, leaning her phone on her shoulder so she could change Alexis.

  “Kayley,” Emily’s voice boomed through the phone. “Get ready. You’re getting out of the house tonight.”

  “Em…” Kayley started to protest, but Emily’s voice cut her off.

  “No excuses, Kay. I already talked to your mom, she’s watching Alexis. It’s been two months since you have done anything. You need to get out and enjoy life again.”

  Kayley’s eyes immediately welled up with tears. She knew Emily was right, but she just couldn’t think of doing anything outside of her four walls. Leaving Alexis, even with her capable mom, and going out to have fun just seemed wrong. Her eyes immediately found the picture on the wall of her and Alex at their graduation. She wasn’t ready.

  “Emily,” Kayley began, “I really appreciate you trying to get me out. I do. And I will get out soon. I just can’t right now. I’m not ready.”

  Emily sighed. “Honey, I know that you feel like that. But think of Alex. He wouldn’t want you to be holed up in the house all day every day, afraid to go enjoy life because he isn’t here. You know it, Kayley! He would be shoving you out the door and telling you to straighten up and have fun!”

  Kayley’s eyes scanned the pictures on the wall. She hated to admit it, but Emily was right. This is why Emily was her best friend- she knew her so well, but she also knew Alex and their relationship. There had been a time when Emily had wanted to date Alex, before she realized that Alex was hopelessly in love with Kayley.

  She looked at her infant daughter lying in front of her and felt fear seize in her heart. She didn’t want to leave Alexis yet. She was only one month old. What if something happened to her, the only parent she had?

  “Don’t think about it, Kayley,” Emily said gently, reading her thoughts. “Alexis will be fine with your mom for a few hours. I promise.”

  “A toast,” Emily lifted her drink, prompting Kayley to do the same. “To best friends, baby girls, and getting a break.” Kayley clinked her glass with Emily’s, smiling.

  “You know, Em,”
Kayley started, “I don’t know what I would do without you. Thanks for taking me out tonight.” Kayley sipped her drink, lost in thought. She looked around the popular restaurant, remembering how many times she and Alex had been here, whether alone, with a group, or just with Emily and her husband, Trevor. She spotted a young family across the way with a little girl that looked to be around 2. She had curly blonde hair and was currently feeding her daddy fries and squealing happily when he ate them. Without warning, her eyes filled with tears as she thought, that should be us. Alexis should have a daddy to feed fries to, and I should have a partner to do things with. Kayley pictured Alexis at two- maybe she would have blonde hair like her mom, and blue eyes like her dad. Maybe she would be spunky like her dad, or quiet and patient like her mom.

  “Kayley,” Emily quietly broke through her thoughts. She had realized what she was staring at. Kayley turned and met her best friend’s eyes.

  “It’s so hard, Em,” Kayley whispered, stirring her drink absently. “I don’t know how to do this without him. This was not part of the plan.”

  “No one plans to lose their partner and be a single parent, Kayley. I cannot imagine how it must feel- I truly can’t understand what you’re going through. But I want you to know that I am here for you, no matter what. I know I pushed you to come out tonight, but only because we all know how much you need to find yourself again. You need to do the things that you love and be the person that you were before.”

  “I can’t be her again, Em. She’s gone. She died with Alex and isn’t coming back.” Kayley wiped a lone tear from her cheek. “I’m a shell of myself. I go through the motions every day. I love Alexis; she’s honestly the only thing that is keeping me sane at all. This was not supposed to be what happened, Emily. We were soul mates and half of my soul got taken away. What am I supposed to do now? What do I do?”

  Emily sniffled, tears also filling her eyes. “I don’t know, Kay. I just know that Alex would want you to live again. He would never want you to be so sad all the time. He would want you to teach your daughter all of the things you guys loved about life and each other. He would want you to find love again.”

  Anger filled Kayley unexpectedly. “Love? He would want me to find love again?” She practically spit the words from her mouth. “It’s been TWO MONTHS, Emily! I have a newborn daughter! My husband was ripped away from me, and you think I should move on and find love?” Her voice was getting louder and causing a couple people nearby to look at her, but she couldn’t stop the rage from filling her voice. Tears streamed continuously down her cheeks now.

  “Kayley, I’m sorry,” Emily soothed, touching her hand. “I don’t mean right now, honey. I know you’re too raw. But someday, I think Alex would want that for you, and for his daughter.”

  Kayley shook her head, dabbing her eyes with her napkin and taking deep breaths. “No, Emily. I had love once, and it destroyed me. Alexis will have me and the parts of Alex I can share with her. That’s all we both need.”

  Kayley looked at her reflection in the mirror, smoothing her hands down her slim hips nervously. She leaned over, examining her makeup closely. Her hands shook as she wiped carefully under her eye. She had no idea why she was so worried about what she looked like- it wasn’t as if Alex could see her anymore. One year ago today, she said goodbye forever to the love of her life. She could hardly believe it had been that long. She had lived through way more than she ever thought possible. Their beautiful daughter had been born, sleepless nights nursing a baby, taking care of everything by herself, finally going back to work, and realizing that she had to start living again had brought her to this day.

  Kayley walked out of her bathroom- she no longer referred to it as their bathroom- and stopped at the framed picture of her and Alex by the bedroom door. She ran her fingers along his face, her stomach roiling nervously. “One year,” she whispered. “How did I make it here, Alex? There were days when I never thought I’d get out of bed.” She pressed a kiss to her fingers and then to his picture. Her eyes traveled to the picture next to it, one of her and Alexis when she was just days old. She ran her fingers along that picture as well, tears springing to her eyes at the gaping hole in the picture. Alex wasn’t there. He would never be in a picture with his daughter.

  “Thank you for giving her to me, Alex,” she said to his picture. “If it wasn’t for her, I don’t think I could’ve made it through. Looking at her, watching her grow, it keeps me going. She’s so you, honey. I wish you could be here to see her. I wish that she could’ve known her daddy other than in pictures and videos. I’m going to say goodbye to you today, for good. I have to. As much as I will love you for the rest of my life, I have to start moving forward.” Kayley wiped her eyes carefully and took a deep breath.

  “You ready, Kayley?” Her mother in-law, Elizabeth, stood at the doorway waiting for her. She held a squirmy Alexis in her arms, who held her chubby baby arms out for her mom to take her.

  Kayley nodded, kissing Alexis on the head while leaving her in her Grandma’s arms. “Amber and Adam are meeting us there?” Elizabeth nodded. Alex’s sister, Amber, was 28 and just finished law school, and his brother, Adam, was 25 and was in medical school.

  She grabbed her purse from the counter and looked across the room at the urn resting on her entertainment center. As ridiculous as it seemed that her husband was in that urn, he was. She had been staring at him every day for a year, and today, he was going to be set free. Before now, she had been hesitant to let him go, needing to feel him there with her. A few months ago, she knew that it was time, and she made the plan for the one year anniversary of his death. Today.

  Kayley walked across the room and put her hands on the cool, white porcelain of the urn. She closed her eyes, feeling tears quickly pooling. She felt the smooth curves, the intricate details of the beautiful specimen holding her husband. With her eyes still closed and her hands still holding on to it, she lay her head on her arms. There were so many memories, she couldn’t quite contain them all. She had been doing so well, but today, right now, she couldn’t be strong anymore. Her shoulders started shaking at the impact of her sobs, and one moan that she couldn’t control escaped from her lips.

  “Kayley,” Elizabeth’s soothing voice was in her ear. Her loving arm wrapped around Kayley’s shoulders, and she pulled her to her. Kayley rested her head on her shoulder, allowing the grief to overtake her for a short time. Unable to stop herself, she clutched her mother in-law’s shoulder and allowed the emotions to take her. She sobbed for Alex, for herself and the pain of him not being there with her, and for her baby girl, who didn’t know any different but was totally missing out on the most fabulous dad she could’ve ever had. “Sweetie,” Elizabeth gently lifted her head so she could see her. “It’s okay to cry, Kay.” Tears shimmered in her blue eyes, identical to her son’s. Kayley nodded, taking a deep breath and trying to calm herself. She hadn’t even made it out of the house yet and she was already a disaster. She wiped her eyes and straightened herself up.

  “Let’s go,” she said, grabbing the urn and her purse. She followed her in-laws out of her house and got Alexis into her car seat, handing her a bottle. As she pulled out of the driveway, her in-laws behind her, she took a deep breath. This would be the last time Alex would be at their house. She looked at the urn, safely buckled into the seat next to her. “I know it isn’t really you, Alex,” she said out loud. “So then why does it feel like I’m about to lose you all over again?”

  Kayley turned off the engine but didn’t move. She looked around their favorite beach, not ready to get out. The beach crowd was thinning out, most tourists back in their hotel sunburnt and tired. Locals were walking the beach, some were running. A few families were left, building sandcastles, tossing a football, or riding the waves.

  This should’ve been us, Alex, here with our baby girl, playing in the sand. But instead, I’m here with your ashes, ready to spread them out in the sea.

  Alexis squealed from the backseat, wanting out of
her seat. One month away from being one, she was a little spitfire and already knew how to walk pretty well. She loved coming to the beach and playing in the sand and water.

  Kayley took Alexis out of her seat, then looked around to see who was around that could help her. Just then, her parents pulled in next to her, followed by her best friend Emily and her family, and Alex’s brother and sister. His parents were already down by the water. As they all piled out of their cars, they looked tentatively to her to see how she was holding up.

  “Can you take Alexis down with you so I can get A- uh,” Kayley stumbled over her words, not sure what to even call these remains in her car.

  “Wex!” Cate, Emily’s daughter, saved the moment. She took hold of Alexis’ little hand and walked behind her parents out to the beach.

  “How are you holding up, Kay?” Her mom smiled softly, her gaze lovingly searching Kayley’s face. Her dad hugged her gently, then stepped back.

  Kayley leaned down and unbuckled Alex’s ashes from the car. She stood up, gently balancing the urn with one hand and closing the door with the other. “I’m okay,” she said quietly. “This is a lot harder than I thought, though.”

  The three of them walked down to the water to meet up with the rest of the group. Chairs were set up in a circle, with a table in the middle holding Alex’s urn. Alexis and Cate were dancing and playing near the water, oblivious to the real reason for their beach visit. If only I could feel that carefree, Kayley thought, but then smiled. She was glad that her daughter didn’t understand this. Someday, she was going to have to explain it to her.

  Everyone talked in quiet voices, reminiscing about Alex and sharing their grief with one another. They had all lost someone vitally important to them: son, brother, husband, friend, and father.