Living Again

by L. L. Collins

  “Remember that time when Alex was 10 and he decided he was going to build a treehouse for himself and his friends?” His dad chuckled, remembering. Kayley had heard this story before, but smiled anyway. The group giggled softly. This story exactly showed Alex’s stubborn yet determined nature. “So he gathered all this wood from the garage, and set out in the backyard to do this. He had a few of his buddies over from the neighborhood. They collected as many hammers as they can find, and asked around for donations of nails. I remember telling him, Alex, you need to make sure you support it well. He didn’t want me to help him, you know, because he knew everything. So, here he is, just this little thing, hauling all this wood and trying to make this treehouse. He worked on this thing for days with his friends. He would come in at dinnertime, filthy dirty and totally exhausted. He could barely eat his food he was so tired. Then he would be out there again at dawn, hammering nails into the wood. He said he was going to be a carpenter someday.” They all roared with laughter, knowing that this was absolutely not Alex’s strong suit.

  “So after about a week of working on this, he thinks he has enough done that they can have their first meeting in the treehouse. He starts dragging in stools and snacks and pillows from the porch furniture. He goes up to take one more load before inviting the boys to come hang out in his “Man Cave”, and then it happens.”

  “The thing starts creaking, and he’s standing in the doorway,” Alex’s mom takes over. “I’m standing on the porch watching him with Adam and Amber, and then, it was like a train wreck I could see about to happen but I couldn’t do anything about it. One piece of wood splinters, then another, and before I know it, Alex is on the ground, surrounded by wood and furnishings and nails. I was never so scared in all of my life, but he jumped up, stomped on the piece of wood, and said, as loudly as I can ever remember him talking, ‘Son of a…’. He then realized we were all standing there and he stopped. Realizing he was okay, we all burst out laughing. That was the end of Alex’s treehouse.”

  The group laughed together, then quieted. “I will never forget the time he scared the hell out of my prom date,” Amber started. “He didn’t like this guy, but I insisted on going with him to the prom. So he told me that he was going to have a ‘chat’ with him. I didn’t think he really would, but oh did he ever talk to him. That night, when he rang the doorbell, Alex told me to stay in my room for a few minutes. He took him out on that porch and told him that if he even thought that his baby sister was going to be one of those girls, he could just walk away right now. Then he went on to say that he was a guy and he knew how guys thought and that if this guy was thinking that way about his baby sister then he would track him down and kill him. I’m surprised the guy even took me to prom at all after that.”

  “On our wedding day,” Kayley began, and a hush came over the crowd. “Alex was very much into the superstition, ritual, whatever you call it that the bride and groom do not see each other first. But, he kept having different people bring me different things every hour, so I knew he was thinking of me. First, he sent me my favorite latte from Starbucks, with a note that said ‘I love you a latte’. Then, he sent me my favorite pack of gum with a note that said, ‘I’m stuck to you forever’. Over the course of the day, he had sent me my favorite lunch, flowers, jewelry, and then, his final present was a letter he had written to me before we were even together, talking about his dream for our life together. Our wedding day, our marriage, our family…” Kayley trailed off, her voice breaking. “He was the most thoughtful, amazing man I have ever known. All of us here loved him for so many reasons.”

  She stood up, picking up the urn and heading for the water. “The beach held so many special times for us,” she said, facing the water. The group started gathering behind her. “Alex loved to be here. He said that there was something so amazing about the beach. He called it miraculous, a true representation of God’s creation.” She turned to look at Alexis. Scooping her up, she nuzzled into Alexis’ little baby neck. “He thought Alexis was miraculous, too, and she is. She completely saved my life over the last year. She’s a part of Alex I never have to give up.”

  The group of Alex and Kayley’s family and friends gathered behind her, sniffling quietly and each remembering Alex in their own way. Kayley handed Alexis to Emily and then opened the urn. The sun was starting to set, and it was the most beautiful time of the day. It was the time that, had Alex been here, he would’ve been walking down the beach with her, hand in hand, stopping every few seconds to kiss her and tell her he loved her. But he would never do that again.

  “Alex,” she started, trying to control her voice. “You’re gone from this earth, but never from our hearts. We will always love you. You’re special to all of us. You will never be forgotten. This is goodbye here on Earth, but not forever.” Kayley poured the contents of the urn over the water, watching it absorb into the sand below and then ebb and flow away with the tide.

  They all stood quietly, eyes looking at the water, for several minutes.

  “I love you, son,” Alex’s mom whispered, gripping her husband’s hand. “We’ll never forget.”

  Adam and Amber came over next to their parents, holding on to them as they looked out into the horizon. Kayley’s parents, Emily, Cate, and Trevor, surrounded Kayley and Alexis.

  “I’m going to stay for a bit,” Kayley announced, and everyone nodded. They expected nothing less. Emily took Alexis back home with her, and the crowd left, leaving her sitting by the water, watching the rapidly setting sun. Alone.

  She was on her own now and had been for a year. No matter how many people surrounded her, at the end of the day, it was just her and Alexis. The empty urn sat next to her on the sand, and she didn’t miss the irony in that. Empty urn, empty heart, empty life. She closed her eyes, allowing herself to grieve for him again. She grieved for the life they would never get to live, for the times in Alexis’ life she would need a daddy, for the times that she needed a husband.

  “How do I do this, Alex? I want to let go, but I don’t know how.” The water lapped the shore, the birds flew overhead, and the breeze rustled. Life went on, no matter if you were ready for it or not. She didn’t think she would ever be completely over losing Alex, but it did hurt a lot less than a year ago. Maybe in another year, she could visit him here at the beach without breaking down. Maybe someday she would come to the beach and it wouldn’t put a pang of sadness inside her. She could hope.

  As the sun slipped behind the horizon, Kayley’s eyes landed on her wedding rings on her left hand. It’s time, a voice told her. Smiling at the memory of both of the days she was given them, she knew. No matter if she never wore the rings again, she would always remember him. He had showed her what true love and friendship was. He had given her the best gift- their precious daughter, Alexis. And even though she would give anything, anything for him to be here, she couldn’t fix that.

  Standing up, Kayley picked up the urn, folded up the chair, and started for her car. Looking back over her shoulder, she watched the last sliver of daylight disappear. She got in her car, started it up, and drove away. It was time.

  Kayley stood at the jewelry box on her dresser, looking down at her wedding band and engagement ring. The beautiful set sparkled on her left hand, just as lovely as it had been the day she married Alex. Her ¾ carat princess cut diamond platinum engagement ring was enhanced by a single platinum band with small diamonds surrounding it. It never ends, Alex had whispered when he slipped it on her finger. But it did end, in the physical sense. She knew she would always love him, that a part of her heart would always be reserved for him, and that Alexis was a walking part of him. Today had been a very emotional day, and she knew that it would be. First, waking up knowing that it had been a year since Alex’s death was enough to cause a breakdown. Then, taking his ashes to the beach and saying goodbye to him forever seemed like too much to bear. But she knew that she wasn’t completely finished for today. On her list of things she needed to do today was to take off
her ring and put it in her jewelry box. She couldn’t get rid of it, but she knew that after a year, it was time to stop allowing everyone to think she was still married. The questions that she had to answer when someone noticed her ring but never saw her husband were getting harder and harder to answer, and she just didn’t want to deal with that anymore. If she didn’t have her ring on, people could just assume that she was single and then she could deal with the questions about why and where her baby’s daddy was much easier. Those are much easier stories to fabricate.

  She brought the ring to her lips, feeling the cold metal against her warm skin. She took a deep breath and then slid the rings off her finger. She held them in her hand, looking at them, in disbelief once again that this was her life. No husband. Gone. Widow. She looked at her finger, the imprint from the rings still there. She wondered how long it would take for those to go away, and knew she would look at her hand every day and miss them. She flexed her fingers and her thumb instinctively moved up to rub her ring finger. It was such a natural physical response. Realizing this was going to be a habit that was hard to break, she broke down.

  “Baby,” she cried, allowing herself to sink down to the floor, the rings still in her hand. “Why me? Why do I have to do this? Why can’t you be here?” Tears wracked her body as she clutched the rings in her fist, feeling them making imprints on her palm. “I never wanted to let you go, Alex. This wasn’t the way this was supposed to be!” Her body shook as she silently cried, clutching her hand to her body as she felt her heart ripping in her chest. She allowed herself one last time of losing it over Alex, then stood up, determined. She wiped her eyes, took a deep breath, and opened the box that the rings came in. Kayley kissed each one, pretending that she could somehow kiss Alex goodbye, then set them into the jewelry box where they would now live forever, instead of the finger where she thought they would always reside.

  Alexis smashed her hands into the cake, squishing the vanilla frosting between her fingers and squealing in delight. “Mama!” she cried out, showing Kayley her messy hands.

  “Wow, that looks yummy, Alexis!” Kayley laughed, rubbing her daughter’s soft blonde curls. Alexis shoved the cake into her mouth, her blue eyes alight with excitement.

  “Happy First Birthday, Lexi,” Kayley murmured, kissing her daughter’s head as everyone chatted, took pictures, and laughed at Alexis’ one year old antics. Kayley watched her daughter enjoy the cake and look at everyone around her, taking in the attention and love from all of her family and friends.

  What a year it had been. After the first few months of utter desperation and pain after losing Alex and dealing with exhaustion from being a new mom, Kayley had finally started living again. She had gone back to work when Alexis was six months old, leaving her with her very capable grandmother so she could return to the work she loved. Alexis had grown like a weed, hitting every milestone and being Kayley’s absolute lifeline. Kayley had shown Alexis videos of her dad from the very beginning, as well as picture albums. If she showed Alexis a picture of her Daddy now, Alexis would say, “Dada”. It was actually her first word. And boy oh boy did Alexis resemble Alex. She had blonde hair like her mom, but the curls were Alex’s, as well as the blue eyes, the adorable dimples in her cheeks, and her personality. She was a little spitfire and kept everyone on their toes. When she began walking at the age of 10 months, she was into everything and affectionately became known as Hurricane Lexi. Alex’s parents couldn’t believe how much she both looked and acted like their son.

  When Kayley looked at her daughter, usually while she was sleeping, that same pain would hit her where she couldn’t rub it away. Her heart ached at the sight of Alexis, because she reminded her so much of Alex, but also because of what he was missing every day. He didn’t know that Alexis couldn’t sleep without her favorite stuffed bear, or that if you rubbed her hair when she was restless she would go right back to sleep. He didn’t know that she loved bananas but hated peaches, or that her favorite activity was to go for a “walk” in the stroller and squeal at all of the animals she saw. He didn’t get to enjoy anything with her, and it still made her sad. However, the crippling pain of losing Alex was farther away every day. Kayley didn’t feel guilty when she laughed anymore. She loved spending time with Emily, Trevor, and their other friends again. She had even gotten rid of the things of his in the bathroom (though the clothes in the closet she wasn’t quite ready for).

  “Earth to Kayley!” Emily’s voice broke through her daydream. She was holding a very squirmy, cake-filled Lexi up for Kayley to take and clean.

  “Thanks Em,” Kayley laughed, trying not to get cake all over her but hold Alexis at the same time. Emily and Trevor’s daughter, Cate, who was 3 now, laughed at the sight of Lexi.

  “She’s dirty, Auntie Kaywey,” Cate declared, scrunching up her little nose.

  “Yes she is,” Kayley put Lexi next to the sink, attempting to clean off layers of cake and icing from every part of her body.

  “There you go, little girl,” Kayley placed Lexi on the floor, clean enough but definitely needing a bath later. She promptly ran after Cate. Cate was like her big sister and the girls loved each other.

  “I can’t believe she’s one,” Emily murmured from behind her, watching the two little girls play with one of Lexi’s new toys. Kayley shook her head.

  “I can’t believe we made it through this year,” Kayley smiled. “A year ago, I didn’t know how I was going to survive without Alex, raising a child on my own.”

  “And look at you now,” Alex’s mom came up next to her and hugged her tightly. “You’re every bit the mother I knew you would be and more.”

  Kayley hugged her mother in-law back, absently feeling for her wedding ring before realizing it wasn’t there anymore. She had finally taken it off and put it away about a month ago, on the anniversary of Alex’s death. That was a day that she would rather not relive. As hard as it was, it was one step closer to her admitting he wasn’t coming back and she had to keep living. “I couldn’t have done it without all of you,” she said, looking at her in-laws, her best friend, and her parents.

  “We’re always here for you and Lexi,” Kayley’s mom stepped up, hugging Kayley tightly. “We all wish Alex were here, but we know he is looking down on all of us.”

  Tears filled Kayley’s eyes at her mother’s words, but she was determined not to cry today. Today was happy, it was all about Lexi. She smiled at the people that meant the most to her.

  “I will love Alex until the day I die. There are days when it’s so hard to look at Alexis and know what she will miss out on. Alex would’ve been the greatest dad. But I’m okay. I think, finally, I am okay.” Kayley turned her head to look for Lexi.

  “Lexi?” she called out. Just as she did, Cate rounded the corner, her eyes wide.

  “Aunt Kaywey? Wexi no feel good,” Cate pointed to the hallway. At her statement, Kayley and Emily headed straight for the hallway to find Alexis laying on her back in a pool of vomit. Her small body was shaking uncontrollably.

  Kayley knelt next to her daughter, watching her daughter convulse on the floor. She had no idea what to do but she turned her to the side and held her head to keep her from hurting herself. “Call 9-1-1!” she screamed. Emily knelt on the other side of her, concern all over her face.

  “No, this cannot be happening,” Kayley cried, smoothing Lexi’s curls from her face as her body started relaxing. “Baby girl…” As Lexi’s body calmed, Kayley held her in her arms. Alexis’ eyes were closed but she was breathing and her heartbeat was strong. After what seemed like forever, Kayley’s parents led the paramedics to the hallway.

  “Ma’am, what happened?” the one paramedic asked as the other started doing her vitals. Kayley watched, unable to speak, as they lay Alexis on the board they had brought in. She didn’t stir when the paramedic started the IV, and Kayley knew how much Alexis hated needles. Her baby was not coherent. She could not lose Alexis, too. They might as well just bury her if anything happened to t
his little girl. She barely lived through losing Alex. Losing Alexis would be like killing the rest of her.

  Emily, realizing Kayley couldn’t speak, took over. “She had just eaten her birthday cake and was playing around with my daughter, Cate.” Emily pointed to Cate, huddled in the lap of Kayley’s mom, her eyes wide. “We were just going to see where they were when Cate come in and said Lexi didn’t feel good. This is how we found her.” Kayley looked at Emily, listening to her but not really comprehending. Her eyes went back to Alexis and she watched her baby girl breathe, but lay so still. Her eyes were closed and she looked peaceful, like she was sleeping.

  “Why did this happen?” Kayley finally managed, her voice small and shaky. The paramedic that was not attending to Alexis looked at Kayley, his eyes sympathetic.

  “There are many reasons a child has a seizure, and most of them are no cause for concern. Her vitals are strong and the seizure is over, though she isn’t responding as well as we’d like right now. She needs to be taken in to the hospital and have some tests run.” The paramedics stood up, carrying Alexis on the stretcher to the awaiting rolling bed by the door. “Let’s get her there and let the doctors see her. There’s no time to waste.”

  Kayley followed her daughter out of the house, not bothering to grab her purse or anything.

  “Kayley,” Emily called out, now carrying a crying Cate. “We’ll meet you there.” Kayley nodded, climbing into the back of the ambulance with her daughter and the paramedics. She had no words. God couldn’t possibly take Alex and Alexis, could he? She would never survive it.

  On the way to the hospital, Kayley sat next to Alexis and held her hand, rubbing the smooth baby skin of her little hand. Tears ran down Kayley’s face and she didn’t stop them. Alexis was still sleeping, breathing evenly but definitely not waking up. Alex, Kayley thought, I wish you were here. I’ve been so strong. I’m trying to be both of her parents. I stopped crying every day and I did what everyone said I should do. But WHY aren’t you here right now? Why can’t Alexis have both of her parents? Why is she sick? It’s her birthday! What if she’s not okay, Alex? I won’t survive another loss like this. I need you…Alex, I need you…