Living Again

by L. L. Collins

  Kayley was snapped out of her reverie when the ambulance abruptly stopped in front of the hospital and the door swung open. They wheeled Alexis into the hospital and into a waiting room where a team was already assembled to work on her.

  “Mrs. Carson? I’m Dr. Richards, an ER doctor here. I will be working on finding out what happened to your daughter, but I need you to wait out in the waiting room for a few minutes so my team can assess her. I promise we’ll be to you as soon as possible with any answers and an update.” He was a fiftyish man with salt and pepper hair and a friendly smile. Kayley listened but was unable to respond other than to nod her head.

  She walked out of the room, leaving her heart on the table in that room for the doctors to examine. Her baby. She was only one year old. Kayley was in this very hospital one year ago, five stories up, giving birth to her daughter and holding her for the first time. One year, Kayley thought. And one month before that she had been in this very hospital, three floors up, hearing that the love of her life was never coming back.

  Kayley sat down on the hard plastic chair, her breathing shallow and her head swimming. It was too much. She rocked back and forth, holding her head in her hands as the tears streamed down her face. Her heart was pounding, her body was shaking, and her teeth were chattering uncontrollably. She didn’t know how long she sat there- it could’ve been five minutes or five days.

  “Kayley,” Emily’s voice entered her overcrowded brain. She put her arm around her best friend and pulled her to her. “I’m here, Kay. I’m here.” Kayley sat, curled into Emily’s arms, with her parents and Alex’s parents, all of them silent and all of them thinking about the times they had been in this hospital together.

  Kayley thought back to that day 13 months ago, after she was told Alex was never coming back.

  “Kayley,” her mom’s voice had soothed her, stopped her screaming and reduced it to just whimpering. “You should go see him, honey. Say goodbye.”

  It had been three hours since they told Kayley that her husband, Alexander Reed Carson, age 27, had passed away. From what the police gathered so far from the accident, Alex was driving home from work when a car going much too fast ran the red light and t-boned his side of the car, which shoved him into another car, then that car into another. Alex had been wearing his seat belt, but the car struck him so hard that his seatbelt broke and he went through the windshield. The man who had hit him had died also on impact; the other two passengers of the other cars Alex hit had minor injuries and walked away. There was an investigation to see if drinking was involved.

  Kayley clung to her mom, her eyes roaming the waiting room filled with her and Alex’s family and friends. No one spoke- there was no need. Everyone was in shock and didn’t hardly move. The doctor had come in and urged Kayley and Alex’s family to come say goodbye. They had him cleaned up, ready to move him to the morgue.

  “Do you want me to go with you, honey?” her mom asked, smoothing her hair away from her face. That simple motherly gesture that she had always done when Kayley was upset spurred more tears to come from her eyes. Her eyes felt like sandpaper and her eyelids, weights. She didn’t think she could possibly cry again…

  “No,” Kayley’s voice was shaky but strong. “I need to do this. I will always regret if it I don’t.” Kayley stood unsteadily and walked out of the waiting room, all eyes on her. As she walked down the hallway to the nurse’s station, she heard Alex’s voice in her head. “I love you always and forever, Kayley.” Always and forever ended today.

  As Kayley reached the nurse’s station, a young nurse in lollipop scrubs looked at her sympathetically. “Are you Alex Carson’s wife?” Her eyes traveled to Kayley’s protruding belly and tears instantly formed in Kayley’s eyes. Kayley nodded and the nurse, whose tag read Amy, led her wordlessly to a room far down the hallway. She stopped at the doorway and put her hand gently on Kayley’s.

  “Take your time. He’s- all cleaned up.” Amy chose her words wisely, knowing how fragile Kayley was. She nodded again, trying to smile at her but failing, and the nurse walked away.

  She watched her walk down the hall, stop at the nurse’s station, and then head to another patient’s room. She watched visitors coming with balloons and flowers, going to whatever room their loved one was recovering in to wish them well. She stood there, like a statue, with her hand on the door of the room that held her dead husband. Dead. How could she ever get used to that word? When they said their vows and repeated, “Till death do us part,” they were both sure that it would be a long time from then, when they were old and had grandkids and maybe even great grandkids.

  Kayley took a deep breath and pushed open the door, not ready for what she was about to see but needing to see with her own eyes that her Alex was not there, not coming back. She pushed the door shut behind her, not allowing her eyes to travel the room to find him. She could see the bed out of the corner of her eye and knew he was there, but she wasn’t ready to look. She leaned against the door, breathing heavily. What was she thinking? She couldn’t see him like this.

  Just like that, she felt him. She felt Alex near her, and her knees almost buckled. She couldn’t explain why she felt that way, could never tell anyone why she thought he was there, but she felt his presence like she felt her own. He was part of her soul; maybe that is why she thought she could feel him here, in this room. She slid down the door and sat on the floor, drawing her legs up as far as she could with her protruding belly. She now could see the end of the bed and Alex’s feet sticking up under the covers. She stared at them for what seemed like an eternity, trying to get the courage to stand up and see him for the last time.

  Finally, she slowly got up off of the floor. Still averting her eyes, she headed towards the bed that held the love of her life. Her breath came in shallow spurts as she tried to will herself to look at him. Her peripheral vision told her that he was laying there with his arms to his sides and the blanket pulled up to his broad chest. Kayley closed her eyes and stepped closer to the bed, reaching her hands out to grip the railing of the bed so she didn’t run into it. When her hands made contact with the cold metal rails, she sucked her breath in. Open your eyes, she willed herself. Kayley knew that opening them and looking at Alex was a life altering moment. She would never again be the same. She cracked her eyes open, his face coming into view. She willed herself to open her eyes the rest of the way, and when she finally did, she locked her eyes on Alex’s handsome face. He looked- perfect. Peaceful. There was bruising and scrapes on his face, neck, and collarbone, and his head was wrapped in gauze from his surgery, but it was him. Alex. He was laying here just like he was sleeping. His full lips were red, his dark eyelashes fanned across his cheeks. She scanned his broad shoulders and muscular chest and stomach, covered by the blanket but she knew his body like her own. She reached her hand out and touched his hand, briefly, then pulled back, shocked. How could he feel like her Alex, but not be there anymore? She stared at his left hand where the imprint was there of his wedding band, but the jewelry itself wasn’t there anymore. A sob escaped her lips as she realized why- they wouldn’t leave a wedding ring on someone who wasn’t alive anymore.

  Kayley’s body shook as her eyes traveled back to Alex’s beautiful face, the face that she had loved for so long now, she could hardly remember a time in her life without him. That face had kissed her so many times, smiled at her, loved her. She reached her hand out again and caressed his face, his lips, his eyes, his beautiful cheekbones. She leaned her face over him and she swore she could still smell the aftershave that he wore and she loved so much. Tears dripped from her eyes onto his face. She wiped them gently away. She leaned down and kissed his lips one more time. They felt just like him, just like home. Her body shuddered as she rested her forehead on his for one last time.

  “Alex,” she whispered. “Why? Why did they take you away from me? It’s not fair! You just look like you’re sleeping. Wake up, baby! Please, wake up!”

  “Kayley,” a voice filtered thr
ough her brain. She blinked her eyes and looked up to see her dad standing next to her. She sat straight up in the hospital chair. Had she fallen asleep?

  “What’s the matter, is she okay?” Kayley panicked, standing up to meet her dad’s eye. He put a reassuring hand on her shoulder and smiled thinly.

  “She’s awake,” he said, hugging Kayley to him. “They are running some tests, but you can go in.” She didn’t even stop to hear the last syllable, she was already on her feet and going to Alexis’ room. A crib was in the room and she was laying in it, eyes open but she was not moving. An IV was dripping fluid into her arm and a monitor was keeping track of her heartbeat and oxygen level.

  “Lexi,” Kayley sobbed, not even acknowledging the other people in the room. When she heard her mom’s voice, she turned her eyes and reached her arms out. Kayley leaned over Alexis’ crib and hugged her daughter as best she could through all of the wires. Emily stood at the doorway and watched, ever her protector.

  “Mrs. Carson?” another doctor entered the room. Kayley turned her eyes to him.

  “Yes,” she whispered. “Is my daughter going to be okay?”

  The young doctor walked further into the room and smiled at her. “We’re going to admit her into the Pediatric ICU and run some further tests. I don’t think that there’s anything seriously wrong with her, but I’m concerned with the lack of response from her for so long.” He walked to the edge of Alexis’ bed and looked down at the baby resting there. He smiled, reaching his hand out. She grasped it automatically, smiling at him.

  “Admit her?” Kayley squeaked, noticing that Alexis was responding well to the doctor. More tears rolled down her face at the news, and he turned to face her.

  “It’s just a precaution, Mrs. Carson. We would never want to send her home without checking everything out.” Kayley nodded.

  “Kayley,” she said out loud. He looked at her questioningly. “You can call me Kayley.”

  He smiled again, and she noticed what a great smile it was. “Ben. Ben Nichols. I’m a pediatric ER doctor. I’m sorry this happened to your baby today, especially on her birthday, but I’m going to make sure she’s taken care of and gets to go home very soon. We’ll be moving her up shortly. You can stay here with her so she feels more comfortable. Seems that she’s really coming around now.”

  He left the room and Emily rushed to the bedside, cooing over Alexis. “Kayley, wow. I cannot believe this happened today. I’m so glad she’s okay.”

  “Cate saved her,” Kayley said, looking at her best friend’s watery green eyes. “She’s her savior.”

  Emily smiled but shook her head. “We were right there, Kay. We would’ve gotten to her right away. So he didn’t say what he thought happened?”

  “No,” Kayley answered. “They are running tests and want to admit her for observation. Didn’t you hear what he said? You were standing at the door.”

  Emily looked at her best friend with mischief in her eyes. “Um, no I didn’t hear a word he said because the second he walked past me I had no brain cells left. Did you see that man? Woooeeee! He’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen! Then once he turned to you and smiled, I thought I might need a doctor next. Does pediatric mean he will also work on 20-somethings?”

  Kayley outright laughed, causing Alexis to smile at both of them. Kayley scooped her up, careful not to disturb her wires, and turned back to Emily. “Are you kidding me? He’s my kid’s doctor and I just got the scare of my life! I barely registered him at all.”

  Emily put her hand up to Kayley’s face and waved it in front of her. “Yep, you can see, so I know that you can’t be blind enough to say you didn’t notice how delicious he was? What was his name? Ben Nichols? He makes a pair of scrubs and a white jacket look damn good.”

  Kayley shook her head at Emily. “You’re terrible, Emily! Down girl! You’re a happily married woman.”

  “Don’t I know it,” Emily sighed, fanning herself. “But I know a fine specimen when I see one! And a doctor too!” She waggled her eyebrows. “He could play doctor very well…” All of a sudden, Kayley understood where Emily was going with this.

  “No, Emily,” Kayley warned, kissing Alexis’ soft head. She squirmed in her mom’s arms, acting much like herself again. “Don’t go there. I have a baby. And it’s only been a little over a year. I’m definitely not ready now, nor do I think I ever will be.”

  Emily hugged her friend, enclosing Kayley and Alexis in a tight hug. “You scared us, little girl,” she murmured, kissing Lexi. “Don’t ever do that again.” Alexis grinned her big four tooth grin and kissed Emily on the nose.

  “Mimi,” she babbled, her name for Emily. Emily gave her an Eskimo kiss and stood up.

  “I’m going to get Cate from Trevor. Now that Alexis is okay, she’ll want to see her. Poor little thing was so freaked out.” Emily headed for the door, then turned around.

  “Kayley? Don’t give up on being happy someday, okay? Alexis does need a daddy.”

  Kayley looked at her best friend, knowing she meant well but her daydream about Alex’s last day on this earth was still raw in her mind. She breathed deeply, trying not to snap. “Emily,” her voice warned.

  Emily laughed and put her hands in the air in mock surrender. “Okay, okay! I’m shutting up.”

  Kayley held Alexis’ sleeping body, looking around the small PICU hospital room. A large crib took up most of the room, which is where Alexis should be but neither Kayley nor Alexis could stand it. Alexis wanted her mom and Kayley couldn’t bear to put her down after the scare they had received. It had been two days since her first birthday, the second day in Kayley’s life when she had been utterly terrified.

  The doctors were observing Alexis to make sure she had no after effects of the seizure that she had. They believed it to be an innocent febrile seizure from a cold she was fighting at the time. They told Kayley it was rather common for kids to have them, but the concern they had was her lack of response for almost an hour to any outside stimulation. They had done EEGs, blood tests, body scans, and she had been seen by every specialist they could think of to try to figure out why she was so unresponsive after her seizure was over. To this point, they had no real answers but had been watching her for 48 hours to make sure she had no further incidents. For all intents and purposes, Alexis was back to normal with the exception of not wanting to leave her mother’s arms. She was always “on the go” and Kayley was enjoying the snuggle time with her, even if it did worry her.

  “Knock knock,” Kayley’s mother was at the door, carrying a stuffed dog. Kayley put her finger to her lips to indicate she was asleep and her mom came in quietly, putting the stuffed dog in the crib and walking towards Kayley.

  “How’s our princess?” she whispered, stroking Alexis’ curly hair. Kayley smiled, knowing that she finally understood how much her mom loved her since she became a mom to Alexis.

  “She’s good. She’s become my little appendage, but that’s okay with me.” Alexis stirred at their voices and Kayley rubbed her back to get her back to sleep.

  “Are you guys getting out of here today?” her mom asked. Kayley shrugged.

  “We’re supposed to be if she doesn’t have any problems, but I haven’t seen the doctor yet today. He should be making rounds soon.”

  A knock on the door interrupted their conversation. “Must be the doctor now.” The door swung open and in the doorway stood Dr. Ben Nichols, the pediatric ER doctor from when they were first admitted. Kayley almost giggled out loud to think about Emily missing seeing her favorite eye candy. Looking at him, Kayley had to admit that he was good looking. He had sandy blonde hair with curled ends that touched his ears, large blue eyes, and eyelashes that most women would kill for. He looked like he spent his spare time (did doctors have spare time?) out in the Florida sun and at the gym. Scrubs and a doctor jacket couldn’t hide muscles like that. He was a lot taller than Kayley’s 5’4” frame. He caught her eye and smiled, and she found herself smiling back. Of course he had perf
ect, straight white teeth. Did he have a dentist as a wife? With a mind of their own, her eyes wandered to his left hand and noticed no ring there. Damn you, Emily, she mentally chastised her best friend. Now you’ve got me looking at whether he’s married or not.

  He cleared his throat, and Kayley realized she had been staring. Her eyes snapped up to his face and she laughed. “Sorry,” she said. “Dr. Nichols, right? What’s going on? Is there something that we need to know? About Alexis?”

  He crouched down next to Alexis and put his hand on her back, watching her breathe. This close up, Kayley could see flecks of gold in his blue eyes. He lifted his eyes to hers and Kayley felt the air suck out of her lungs at the proximity of him. She could almost see clear through his eyes. Her eyes scanned his beautiful cheekbones, full lips, and chiseled jawline. Butterflies tickled her stomach, and the feeling was foreign.

  “I thought we established first names. Ben, remember?” His voice was throaty and sexy and his face was so close, she could feel his breath tickling her cheek. “I brought this for Alexis.” He took out of his coat pocket a stuffed monkey wearing a pink tutu and tiara. Kayley laughed quietly, knowing Alexis would get a kick out of it.

  “Thank you, she’ll love it,” she breathed, tucking the monkey under Alexis’ arm.

  Kayley’s mom coughed, making her remember she was still there. “I’m going to go get some coffee. Want anything?” Ben’s gaze bored into hers and she glanced quickly at her mom, then back at him. He was still looking intently at her, and her pulse spiked.