Living Again

by L. L. Collins

  “Ben,” Kayley said, her voice tight. “No matter where I am, I get these memories, like flashbacks. I can’t stop it, and I can’t deal with it.”

  “What was the memory just now?” Ben asked gently, giving her the space she needed.

  She shook her head. “I can’t, Ben. I can’t talk about it with you.”

  He took her hand, not responding. “You didn’t open your present from me! I’ll be right back.” He jumped up and ran into the house, leaving Kayley with her thoughts. He walked into the kitchen and went to grab the gift bag from the table when he spotted Emily coming down the hallway.

  “I heard a noise,” she explained. “I just wanted to make sure Kayley was okay. I’m not spying or anything.” Ben smiled at her, knowing she did want to spy but was trying really hard to give them privacy.

  “What, Trevor doesn’t have you locked in that room to keep you away?” Ben kidded, winking at her. Emily laughed.

  “How’s she doing?” she asked, seriously.

  Ben sighed, running his hand through his hair. “Two steps forward, one step back,” he admitted. “I don’t have to tell you how wonderful she is, Em. I’ve never felt this way about anyone so quickly. She admitted the same thing. But just when we seem to be getting somewhere, she gets this look of pain on her face, and she doesn’t want to talk about it. She says that everything reminds her of Alex. Tell me, Emily, what do I do with that?”

  Emily stared out the doorway, looking at Kayley sitting by the pool, her feet kicking softly in the water. “Ben,” she said, putting her hand on his arm. “If you can handle it, just let that go. She’s working it out in her own head, but it’s going to take her time. She has made more progress tonight than I thought she would make in months. You’re getting to her. I know this is something you haven’t been through before, but Kayley’s problem isn’t as simple as an ex-husband. Alex is like a ghost to her, always there lurking in her memory.”

  “That’s hard to compete with, Emily,” Ben admitted.

  “Are you saying you don’t want to fight for her?” Emily’s voice got a hard edge to it, and Ben looked up into her eyes. He loved how quick she was to stand up for her best friend. There weren’t many people like that in the world.

  “I will fight until the moment she tells me to get away from her, Emily,” Ben smiled. She smiled back, and gave him a quick hug.

  “Get out there,” she pushed him lightly. “And don’t take no for an answer.” With that, she turned and walked back to her bedroom and shut the door.

  Ben walked back out to the pool, watching Kayley as he made his way soundlessly back to her. Her back was to him, and she kicked her legs gently in the water. Her hair was down around her shoulders and the moonlight reflected off of it. As he sat down next to her and slid his legs into the pool, he handed her the gift bag.

  “Open it,” he said softly. She turned to him, a small smile playing on her lips.

  “You didn’t have to do that,” Kayley said, taking the bag from him. As she did, her hand brushed his and she looked up and met his eyes. “Ben,” she started. “I’m sorry for freaking out a few minutes ago. I’m really trying.”

  “Forget it, Kayley. I understand. Open it,” Ben prodded, reaching out and touching her hair again. She leaned into his hand, and it was all he could do to not fling the bag away from her and continue touching her.

  Kayley untied the ribbon on the gift bag, looking at him slyly out of the corner of her eye. “This is a pretty fancy bag, Ben,” she teased.

  “I had it gift wrapped,” He said, laughing.

  Kayley rolled her eyes at him and took the tissue paper out of the bag.

  She carefully unwrapped the tissue paper from around the gift, her stomach turning with nerves. Why are you so nervous? It’s just a gift. She pulled out a crystal heart on a long chain and held it up so she could see it in the moonlight.

  “It’s for you to hang in your car,” Ben said into her ear. “For you to remember that you’re allowing your heart to show you where to go. When you see the light reflecting through it and it creates different colors, you can remember that there are different people that care about you and want to see you happy. Alexis, your parents, Emily…” Ben paused. “Me.”

  Kayley’s mouth dropped open and she stared at the heart, running her fingers along the curved crystal. “Ben,” she willed herself to not cry. She had done enough of that around him. “You really put a lot of thought into this.” She turned to look at him, and could not stop the smile from stretching across her face. “This was the most meaningful, amazing gift I’ve received in a really long time. Thank you. I will hang it in my car and always remember what you said when I look at it.”

  “You’re welcome, Kayley. Let’s take a swim,” he suggested. She looked at him quizzically, but took off her cover-up and followed him in. The water was warm and she immediately felt more relaxed. Ben got in quietly but then started swimming laps in the pool. She sat on the steps and watched him move fluidly through the water, not even stopping when he got to the end but just flipping over and starting again. His strong arms cut through the water easily and he moved with grace and speed. After several minutes of watching him, he slowed down and then stopped, coming up right in front of the stairs.

  “A swimmer?” Kayley asked, watching him fling the water from his hair and face. His chest heaved with the exertion of the laps he swam, and she struggled to keep her composure.

  Ben smiled. “Yes, I used to swim in high school and college, and now I just do it for exercise. It got me through a lot of stressful times during medical school.”

  Kayley liked hearing details about him and realized she wanted to know more. He sat next to her on the step and she turned to him. “Tell me more about you,” she said. Ben smiled.

  “What do you want to know?” he asked.

  “You know, normal stuff,” she said. “Where did you grow up, what is your family like, let’s start with that.”

  Ben’s mouth quirked up. “Okay,” he agreed. “But for every fact I tell you, I get to kiss you.”

  Kayley looked at him wide-eyed. “Every fact?” she asked, her stomach quivering. Ben moved closer to her.

  “Every. One.”

  “We may never get to know more than one fact, then,” Kayley mumbled, and Ben laughed.

  “Why is that, baby?” he inquired.

  “Because you know what one of our kisses is like,” she admitted, blushing.

  “I’ll behave,” Ben promised. “Scout’s honor.” Kayley smiled and nodded her head. “But I can’t promise to behave at the end of the night.”

  Kayley’s pulse quickened and she smiled shyly at him. “Okay.”

  Ben sat back, his head resting on the side of the pool. “Hmm, okay, here we go. My name is Benjamin Joseph Nichols. I am 32 years old and the oldest son of Joseph and Karen Nichols, who have been married 35 years. I have a little sister named Lindsay, who is 27 years old. She’s married to my brother in-law, Paul, and they have two little girls. My dad was a detective for most of my childhood and my mom was a teacher. I grew up in a classic American family. Everything was normal until my little sister almost drowned when she was two and I was seven. It was a miracle that she lived, and that is why I wanted to become a doctor and help kids.”

  Kayley listened intently, and once he stopped, she smiled. “That was a lot of facts. And wow about your sister. Did you save her?” Ben shook his head no.

  “No, my mom jumped in our pool and got her. I was outside playing with my neighbor. But as soon as she started screaming, I ran to the backyard. I called 9-1-1 and waited outside for the ambulance. By the time they got there, she was breathing again, but I had never seen anyone look so blue before. I was terrified. From that moment on, I told everyone I was going to be a doctor to help kids like Lindsay.”

  “That’s so scary,” Kayley breathed, her hand on her chest. “I’m so glad she was okay. So what do your parents think about you being a big hotshot pediatric ER doctor?”


  Ben laughed and reached out to stroke Kayley’s hand, not able to stop himself from touching her. “Hotshot? I don’t know about that. They are proud of me, just as any parent is of their child.” He came closer to her and stopped an inch from her face. “Pay up.”

  Kayley’s eyebrows raised as she studied him. “Pay up?” she questioned.

  He nodded, his eyes twinkling. “That was at least ten facts.”

  “Ten?” Kayley squeaked, her heart pounding in her chest.

  “Ten.” Ben closed the space between them quickly and sealed his hot lips over hers. “One.” He deepened the kiss and Kayley responded immediately, wrapping herself around him without a second thought. He pushed her against the side of the pool, his body pressing against hers, his mouth devouring her lips. He kissed her hard, almost bruising, but she wouldn’t stop it for anything. She explored his body with her hands as he did the same to hers, both blurring the lines of appropriate for their first actual date.

  “I think we better stop with one,” he laughed, pulling away. He kissed her again softly. “I can only be a gentleman for so long.” He winked at her, took her hand, and led her out of the pool. He grabbed a towel and wrapped her in it, then put one around himself.

  “As much as I really, really hate to call it a night, I probably should,” Ben said, putting his arm around her shoulders. Kayley smiled, glad that he was being such a gentleman because she wasn’t quite sure where she was planning on going back there in the pool.

  “Ben,” Kayley murmured, turning her face up to see him. The moon shone on his face, outlining his chiseled jaw and cheekbones. “Thank you so much for tonight. For coming, for being you, and the beautiful present. And for not giving up.”

  Ben grinned and picked her up so she was even with him. “No, baby. Thank you. This was the best night of my life.” He kissed her one last time and then walked into the house, Kayley following behind him.

  As Ben pulled out of Emily’s driveway, he couldn’t stop a shit eating grin from breaking out on his face. He owed Emily greatly. If it weren’t for her, he would’ve never gotten where he did with Kayley tonight. That woman had gotten to him in every possible way. He couldn’t wait to see where things went from here.

  His phone beeped as he drove down the road. He had left it in the car while at Kayley’s birthday party. He frowned as he noticed several text messages from Dana, wanting him to call her. It was after 2am, so there was no way he was talking to her now. He shoved his phone into his jeans pocket and drove the rest of the way home, his body there but his mind back with Kayley at Emily’s house.

  “So, so, so, you must spill it and now.” Kayley groaned at her best friend, who was jumping on the bed to wake her.

  “Em-i-ly,” Kayley grumbled, pulling the pillow over her head. “Stop it or I will kill you.”

  “Kay, come onnnnn. I can’t take it! It was all Trevor could do to keep me from peeking out at you guys last night. What was the present? Then again, I’m sure he gave you present enough...” Emily rambled.

  Kayley sat up. “Emily. Really.” Emily giggled and pulled Kayley up.

  “Come on, come on, come on, coffee is out here and Trevor is running so you will tell me everything.” Emily dragged Kayley to the kitchen and poured her a cup of coffee.

  “Emily, it isn’t even eight in the morning! I didn’t go to bed until almost three! You’re evil,” Kayley sipped the hot coffee but couldn’t stop the enormous smile from spreading across her face. After Ben had left, she had stared out the window for almost an hour, replaying everything that had happened. Even when she laid in bed, her brain wouldn’t allow her to sleep.

  Emily sat across from her best friend in the world, looking at her face. “Kayley,” she got her attention. “I haven’t seen this look on your face in a really, really long time. I guess the good doctor was pretty convincing?”

  Kayley giggled, her face flushing. Emily squealed and jumped up and down. “Dr. Yummy scores!”

  “Dr. Yummy?” Kayley roared, slapping her hand on the counter. “Really? And I wouldn’t exactly say he ‘scored’, Emily. Bad choice of words.”

  “You. Must. Tell. Me. Now,” Emily threatened. Kayley sat back and a dreamy look came over her face.

  “He’s great, Emily. Way beyond anything I ever imagined.” Emily listened as Kayley recounted the events of the evening. But while the words were coming out of her mouth, Emily knew she wasn’t really in the room right then. She was back in her dream of last night, reliving it again. Emily was never so happy for her friend in all of her life.

  “Mom?” Kayley called, shutting the front door behind her. “Dad?”

  “Mama!” Alexis cried, toddling into the room. “Mama!” She ran her little legs until she reached Kayley and she scooped her up and nuzzled her.

  “Baby girl!” Kayley kissed and hugged her, smiling at her baby giggle.

  “Hey Kay,” her mom said, following Alexis into the room. “Did you have a good birthday?”

  Kayley put Alexis down, ruffling her blonde curls. She toddled away to get her toy. Kayley smiled, thinking back to last night.

  “Oh, my gosh,” her mom said, looking at her. She sat on the couch, looking out the window and playing with a lock of her hair, not even noticing her mom. “Kayley Lynn, what happened to you last night? I haven’t seen this look on your face since…” She broke off, realizing what she was about to say.

  Kayley looked at her mom and smiled. “I had a great birthday,” she stated, getting the faraway look in her eye again.

  Her mom sat next to her on the couch and Alexis plopped on the floor in front of them, playing with her baby doll. She studied her daughter’s face, trying to figure out exactly what had made her look so dreamy. “Was it the doctor?” she guessed. As Kayley’s face registered her mom’s words, a blush crept along her cheeks and her mom gasped. “The doctor, Kayley? You ran into him? What happened?”

  Kayley laughed. “Mom,” she started. “Take a deep breath. Emily invited him to her house last night for my party. Apparently they have been keeping in touch.” She stopped talking and again looked out the window, lost in her own thoughts.

  “My word,” her mom whispered. “Kayley Lynn, I can’t believe it.”

  Kayley looked at her mom, surprised. “Believe what, Mom?”

  She reached out and stroked her daughter’s face. This was her girl, the girl who had spent the last year completely broken inside. “You’re happy, Kayley. You can’t even stop the smile on your face. You can’t stop thinking about him. He did it.”

  “Did what?” Kayley asked, tears starting to build in her eyes.

  “Don’t cry, baby,” her mom soothed. “It’s fantastic. He showed you that you can love again.”

  Kayley stood up, wiping the tears from her eyes. “Love? I wouldn’t go that far, Mom.” She picked up Alexis and started gathering her things.

  “Honey,” her mom said. “I didn’t say that to upset you. I have never been so happy to see that look on your face. No one says you have to marry this guy, but my goodness, it’s nice to see that dreamy look in your eyes again. Just take it one day at a time. That’s all you can do.”

  Kayley nodded, unable to speak past the lump in her throat. “Thanks, Mom. I know. Sorry for freaking out a little. The whole thing just makes me feel—vulnerable. Ben is a great guy. He really is. I just don’t know what to think about it all right now. I know it’s been over a year, and I know that everyone thinks I need to find someone new. But every memory I have of Alex makes me feel guilty. What do I do with that?”

  Her mom smiled and put her hand on Alexis’ head. “It’s okay to have memories, Kayley. Alex was a wonderful man. What happened was a complete tragedy. But you and I both know that Alex would never want you to spend your life pining for him. There’s no set timeline for when you should start having a life again. Maybe Ben entering your life right now is a sign. You’re the only one that can make that decision, but at the same time, I don’t think anyone wo
uld fault you for moving on. It doesn’t make what you and Alex had any less special. It just means that you’re acknowledging that you’re ready to open yourself up again.”

  Kayley listened to her mom’s words, stroking Alexis’ soft curls. “I had a dream a few weeks ago,” she began. She hadn’t told anyone about it. “First, it was me and Ben at the beach. Then, Ben was gone and it was Alex. He was there, Mom. He told me that it was okay, that I needed to be happy. What do you think about that? Do you think it really was Alex, or just my imagination working overtime?”

  Her mom reached out and stroked her hand. “Kayley, no matter which one it was, I think it was a sign that you should allow yourself to move on, to be happy. Alex coming to you in a dream, whether in your imagination or not, shows that in some way or another, you’re thinking it’s time, too.”

  Kayley hugged her mom tightly. “Thank you, Mom. What would I do without you?”

  Ben grunted, lifting the weights back onto the bar above his head. He had already run three miles on the treadmill, hit the bag for fifteen minutes, and lifted weights, and he still couldn’t wipe the smile from his face. All he had to do was think about a certain blonde and the progress he made with her last night, and he felt like a lovesick fool.

  “What’s that all about, Nichols?” Ben’s friend Cameron asked, snapping him with a gym towel. Cameron and Ben had been friends since high school, and the two friends often hit the gym together. Cameron was happily married to his high school sweetheart Kellie and would be the dad of a baby boy in the next couple of months. He also loved to rib Ben about all his shenanigans over the years.

  “What’s what?” Ben asked, trying to evade his friend’s probing questions. Cameron raised his eyebrows at him and laid down on the weight bench.

  “Really, bro? You’re going to go with that?” Cameron lifted the weights off the bar, bringing it down to his chest and then back up several times without speaking. “You act like I haven’t known you half your life, Ben. What’s the cat-got-the-canary look on your face? Spill it, man.”