Living Again

by L. L. Collins

  Ben turned away, pretending to look at the scantily clad woman passing by him. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to tell one of his greatest friends about Kayley. He just wasn’t sure exactly what to say about her. Ben chuckled, meeting his friend’s inquisitive eyes. “Nothin’ Cam, I just met this girl…” he trailed off, waiting for Cameron’s reaction.

  Cameron sat up, a smile spreading across his face. “Yeah? You gotta give me more than that. Is this a potential relationship girl, or a pass the time girl?”

  Ben scowled, taking his place back on the bench. “Seriously, dude. You make me sound like a manwhore. I haven’t had that many girlfriends. And, if you must know,” he looked around to make sure no one was listening, “She’s got serious girlfriend potential. But, it’s complicated.”

  Cameron roared. “It always is. What happened with Dana?”

  Ben slammed the weights a little too loud back on the bar. “Dana is nothing. Less than nothing. I saw her a few times and that was it. She just can’t take a hint.”

  “Okay, okay. So, why is the new one complicated?” Cameron wiped his face with the gym towel and they moved over to the ab machines. Ben didn’t really want to get into Kayley with Cameron, no matter how long he had been his buddy.

  Ben sighed. “She’s had a lot of crap happen to her. I met her at the hospital when her little girl was sick.”

  “Tell me this girl isn’t married, Ben.” Cameron watched his face.

  Ben shook his head. “Absolutely not. You know me better than that. After what happened with Zoey, you really think…”

  “She ripped your heart out. I know. You’ve never been the same since. I’m just making sure you’re thinking clearly. You haven’t been really into a relationship in a long time.” Cameron looked him up and down, insinuating that he may not be thinking rationally.

  Ben nodded. “She’s different, Cam. I hope that it works out with her and I can introduce you and Kellie to her someday. For now, you’re just going to have to take my word for it. I gotta run. Thanks for the workout.”

  Ben showered quickly and changed into clean clothes. Running his fingers through his hair, he regretted one thing about leaving Kayley last night, and that was that he never asked her for her phone number. He wanted to talk to her, make sure that she was still feeling okay this morning.

  Walking out to his car, Ben hit his contact list and scrolled to Emily’s phone number. Typing out a quick text, he asked her if she would mind giving him Kayley’s address and phone number. He couldn’t let it go.

  Moments later, a text from Emily caused a smile so big to break out over his face, it made his cheeks hurt. Whatever you did, Dr. Yummy, keep it up. Kayley was so happy this morning. Even though she didn’t really want to spill the beans, it was hard to miss the smile on her face. I’m thinking that smile is a lot like the one on your face this morning. Her address is 2223 Whitehall Lane. You’re going to have to ask her for her phone number. She left here about an hour ago.

  Typing back a quick thank you to Emily, he typed Kayley’s address into his GPS and swung his car around. Punching the gas, he headed towards her house, hoping she wouldn’t regret what happened the night before.

  Kayley laid Alexis in her crib, watching her as her eyes drifted closed in sleep. She caressed her soft baby curls as her breathing became even and she stuck her thumb in her mouth. No matter how many days she did this, Kayley was always amazed to stand here and look at her precious baby daughter. She scanned her little body, growing so fast. Time was passing before her very eyes, and before long, Alexis would be old enough to ask questions about where her daddy was.

  Kayley leaned over, kissing her baby’s soft head before tiptoeing out of the room. As she walked down the hallway, she looked at the pictures she still had there, pictures she showed Alexis daily and told her that it was her daddy. Instantly, her mind drifted to Ben. She could still feel his soft lips pressed against hers and see his intense blue eyes staring into hers. She touched her lips, a smile blossoming there as she remembered how he felt pressed up against her.

  I’m forgetting you, Alex, she thought. She could no longer remember what his lips felt like, because the only lips she could think of were Ben’s. She sank down to the carpet, her breathing shallow. I’m forgetting him. How could I do that so easily? She rested her head on her knees and willed the tears away.

  “What am I doing?” she whispered to herself. “Alex, I don’t know what to do here. I love you. I will always love you. I would give anything for you to be here with us. But what am I supposed to do now? What would you do if you were here and I wasn’t?”

  The doorbell rang, and Kayley looked at the door. She wasn’t expecting anyone. She got up quickly and hurried to the front door so that it wouldn’t ring again and wake Alexis. Naptime was nothing to mess around with! She needed that few hours of peace. She hoped that it wasn’t a sales person. She had dishes to do, laundry to start…

  Kayley’s eyes widened as she saw who was standing behind her door. Her mouth dropped open and she stared, unable to speak. All of a sudden, she realized that she was wearing yoga pants and a tank top, had no makeup on, and her hair was in a messy ponytail. She willed herself to speak but she found that it was impossible to formulate words.

  Ben was standing in her doorway, holding a bouquet of colorful wild flowers. His blonde hair was damp and a little unruly. He was wearing a pair of faded jeans and a black shirt, and Kayley thought it was just as delicious seeing him that way as she saw him last night. Dark sunglasses covered his eyes, but as she stared, he removed them and tucked them into his shirt collar. His crystal blue eyes looked directly at her and almost through her, causing butterflies to start in her stomach.

  “Kayley,” Ben’s voice broke the silence. She had no idea how long she had been standing there staring at him. “These are for you.” He handed her the flowers, and she finally snapped out of her stupor.

  “Ben,” she breathed, her voice barely loud enough for him to hear her. “Th-thank you. You didn’t ha-have to do that.” Kayley couldn’t stop the fear from gripping her. Ben. Was here. At her house. Chill out, she told herself. It’s not a big deal.

  “I’m sorry for just showing up,” Ben shifted his weight from one foot to another, nervous. “I asked Emily for your address because I didn’t get to ask you last night for your phone number, so I thought I would come ask you in person.”

  Kayley looked at Ben, her brain battling with her body. She looked back into the house, not hearing Alexis. Satisfied that she was still asleep, Kayley cracked the door and led Ben to the chairs on the front porch. She set the flowers on the table in between them. “You’re too much, Ben,” she said. “Honestly, I don’t know what to do with all of this.”

  Ben reached out, putting his hand on hers. He knew that she was battling with herself. “Talk to me. Tell me what you’re thinking.”

  Kayley stared at his hand, feeling the now familiar pull towards him. She looked up and into his eyes. “Why me? You can have anyone you want. Why do you want someone who is so damaged? Someone that has a child?” She waved her free hand toward the house, indicating Alexis.

  “Kayley,” Ben’s voice compelled her to look at him. “We’re all damaged in one way or another by life. If you will give me a chance, I’ll explain how I’m not much different than you. As far as you having a child, Alexis is a part of you. I’m not just looking for some meaningless relationship. She’s just the icing on the cake, baby. I can’t wait to get to know her. If you will let me.” Ben stood, pulling her to her feet with him. “I laid in bed last night, thinking about you. I couldn’t sleep, and when I finally did, I dreamed about you. I woke up this morning smiling because of you. Please, give me a chance.”

  Ben leaned over, brushing his lips gently across Kayley’s. “Please,” he whispered again, running his nose along her neck and ear, then following with touching his lips gently to the same spots. She closed her eyes, reaching out and gripping Ben’s arms with her hands. She fo
rced herself to keep breathing as her heart rate spiked uncontrollably as he planted kisses along her neck, then her face, then her lips. Her knees quivered as his tongue gently pried her mouth open. He tasted like cinnamon, and his tongue was soft and warm in her mouth.

  Ben wrapped his arms around her, walking her towards the front door. “Can we go inside?” he asked into her mouth. Unable to answer, Kayley nodded and allowed him to reach around her to open the door. As they stepped inside, Ben shut the door quickly and then pressed her against it, picking right back up where they left off. Kayley ran her hands along his arms, then neck, then chest and back. He responded by intensifying their kiss, his own hands traveling the length of her body and then resting on her backside. He pulled her to him so she could feel his attraction for her. Without knowledge, she moaned, the feelings she hadn’t felt in a long time overtaking her senses.

  “Kayley,” Ben groaned, his lips only centimeters away from hers. “I didn’t come here for this, honestly. I just…” She cut him off by pushing her lips to his again, lifting her hands to run through his hair. She couldn’t stop the way her body was feeling, and at this point, she didn’t want to. She lifted Ben’s shirt and ran her hands along his defined muscles. In response, he pulled away and looked into her eyes, breathing heavily. “Are you sure?” His eyes searched hers.

  Kayley closed her eyes briefly, want surging through her body like gas igniting a flame. When she reopened them, a smile spread across her face. “Ben,” she responded, stepping closer to him. “I haven’t wanted anything like this in a really long time.” She took his hand and pulled him to the couch, pushing him down onto the soft surface. Bravely, she climbed on his lap, running her fingers through his hair again and looking directly into his eyes.

  “You’re beautiful, Kayley,” Ben smoothed her hair from her face and traced her lips with his fingers. “In every single way. I can’t even believe I’m here right now, with you. I think I’m dreaming.”

  As they began kissing again, Kayley bravely reached behind Ben and pulled his shirt until he broke the kiss and allowed her to take it off. She stared at him, a smile quirking up the corners of her mouth. She kissed his neck next, then trailed down his chest. Ben held his breath, in disbelief that this beautiful woman was actually doing this. “Wow,” Kayley breathed, kissing him again. She ran her fingers through the slight hair that trailed his chest, and Ben trembled. He wanted so badly to drag her to her room and show her what he was feeling, but he knew he had to be very, very careful with what was happening. He didn’t want her to think she was just some random girl for him.

  “Are you afraid, Ben?” Kayley asked, watching him.

  Ben chuckled. “I think I’m dreaming, and if I’m not careful, I’ll wake up.” He didn’t admit that hell yes, he was terrified. Terrified she would stop and run away again.

  “Ditto,” she echoed, moving her body closer to him so he could feel every womanly part of her. He had to stop his eyes from rolling back in his head. He allowed his hands to move slowly to the end of her shirt, wanting desperately to feel her skin against his. When she realized what he wanted to do, she nodded, a small smile playing on her lips.

  Ben took a deep breath, knowing everything was changing at this moment. He began lifting her shirt, exposing her beautifully sculpted stomach and the edge of her lacy bra. God, she was going to kill him. Kayley’s chest heaved with the anticipation of what was coming next.

  “MAMA!” They both heard at the same time. Ben froze, and Kayley’s eyes got as wide as saucers. She jumped from his lap, the spell broken.

  “Ohmigod,” she mumbled, straightening her shirt. She looked around and spotted Ben’s shirt on the floor. She picked it up, throwing it on him and not looking at him at all.

  “MAMA!” Alexis yelled again.

  “Coming, baby!” Kayley said, looking frantically between Ben and her baby’s doorway.

  “Kayley,” Ben said calmly, standing up and putting his hands on her shoulders. “It’s okay. Do you want me to leave?”

  Kayley looked at him, fear gripping her every cell. “Yes. No.” She had no idea what to do. Was she ready for him to see Alexis? I mean, he met her in the hospital and all but here, in her house… “Just stay here. I’ll be right back.”

  As she walked down the hallway to Alexis’ room, Ben sat back on the couch and watched her disappear. He leaned over, putting his head in his hands. That didn’t go as planned, he thought, wondering when Kayley came out with Alexis what state of mind she would be in. Two steps forward, one step back, just as before. He breathed deeply, willing himself to calm down and be ready for Kayley to return to the room with Alexis.

  Kayley opened Alexis’ door and looked into her little face. “Hi baby,” she cooed, and she lifted her arms to be picked up. Once she lifted her out of the crib, Alexis laid her head on her shoulder.

  “Mama,” she whispered into her neck, reaching her arm around Kayley’s neck. Kayley leaned into her, nuzzling her and relishing in her baby smell.

  Kayley stared at the doorway, not sure whether to take Alexis out there with Ben or not. Her pulse still raced from his touch, but she felt mortified that she almost went as far as she did with him, in her house. Hers and Alex’s. With her daughter in the house! What in the world was wrong with her? She could not believe that she did that- and she liked it. Scratch that, she loved it, and wanted more of it.

  She caught her reflection in the mirror on Alexis’ wall. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were bright. She put a finger to her lips, feeling his kiss. Kayley smiled nervously at herself, and turned to walk out the door. She walked past the shrine of pictures adorning the wall without looking at them. She walked into the living room that moments before had been where Kayley was seconds away from- from- what would she have done?

  She looked at the couch where Ben had been sitting, shirtless, when Alexis started yelling. He wasn’t there. She scanned the room, not seeing him. Did he leave? Certainly he wouldn’t just leave without saying something. She looked towards the kitchen and saw Ben, his shirt intact, pouring glasses of tea for the two of them. Her heart sped up, watching him in her kitchen, doing something as normal as pouring drinks. Almost like he belonged here.

  “Tea?” Ben asked, holding a glass out to her. His eyes met hers and he smiled, completely calm, cool, and collected. “I got Princess a sippy cup of juice, too.” He held the cup out to Alexis, and she reached her arms out to take it from him.

  “How did you know what she would like?” Kayley asked, sipping her tea and watching Alexis out of the corner of her eye. She stuck it in her mouth, watching Ben with a curious gaze.

  “I have nieces, remember? And I work with kids for a living,” Ben winked at her and clinked her glass with his. Kayley smiled, almost feeling a piece of the wall around her heart crack and fall away.

  “Down,” Alexis demanded, handing her cup back to Kayley. Kayley put her down and she toddled over to Ben. “Up,” she said, holding her arms up to Ben. Ben looked at Kayley, gauging her reaction. “Up,” she said again, louder this time.

  Kayley grinned, trying to hold in laughter. “She’s a demanding little thing,” she said, trying to cover up her shock that Alexis had walked right up to him and asked to be held.

  Ben picked up the little girl, in disbelief that this was actually happening. When she was eye level with him, she smiled, and he almost lost it. She looked so much like her mom, it took his breath away. “Pay,” she said, pointing. “Pay.”

  Ben looked at Kayley, at a loss for what Alexis wanted him to do. “Pay?”

  Kayley giggled, pointing to the living room. “She wants to go play, and I think she’s demanding that you take her there.”

  “Go play, Princess Alexis? Well let’s go play, little girl.” He walked with her into the living room, playing it cool and looking on the outside like he was used to doing this every day. On the inside, however, he was doing cartwheels across the room. Kayley’s little girl just won the other piece of his heart t
hat her mom didn’t take the night before.

  Kayley stood, rooted to the ground, as she watched Ben sit on the floor with Alexis. Alexis proceeded to dump her toy basket and hand Ben her play cell phone, not even looking at her mom. Alexis was a friendly little girl, but usually didn’t want her mom out of her sight, much less when there was a stranger in the room. Apparently, Alexis didn’t think that Ben was a stranger. Ben took the phone Alexis handed him and pressed some buttons.

  “Hello?” he pretended, the phone to his ear. “Alexis? Oh yes, Princess Alexis is right here. Please hold.” He handed the phone to Alexis. “It’s for you, Princess.” She looked at him and grinned, taking the phone from his hand.

  “Wo?” Alexis said, then babbled incoherently. “Bye!” She put the phone back in the basket and then handed Ben a baby doll from the floor. “Baby,” she said as Ben took the baby from her. “Mommy baby.”

  “This is Mommy’s baby?” Ben asked, looking over at Kayley. Alexis then realized that Kayley was across the room. She stood up and walked to Kayley, holding out her hand. “Mommy, pay.” She took hold of her hand and led her to the floor where Ben was sitting. “Mommy, sit. Pay.”

  As the three of them sat on the floor in Kayley’s house, playing with whatever toys Alexis found necessary to give them, Kayley couldn’t help stealing glances at Ben. What she saw every time she looked at him was a man that was completely enthralled with her little girl. He wasn’t sitting there waiting for Alexis to be bored with playing. He wasn’t making excuses to leave. He wasn’t even looking at Kayley. He was playing with Alexis, and enjoying it. Her heart pounded and her hands shook as she realized what they looked like, sitting here on the floor. They looked like a family. The family that Kayley always dreamed of. Except Ben looked absolutely nothing like Alex at all. Ducking her head to try to blink away tears, she realized that this was the first time she had thought of Alex since Ben had walked into her house. Her eyes travelled to the entertainment center, where a wedding photo of the two of them still sat there. When she looked back at Ben, he was looking at her. He reached his hand out and wrapped his fingers with hers, a small smile on his face.