Living Again

by L. L. Collins

  He took a deep breath, knowing she was trying to affect him. He had only been seeing her for a few months, and never anything official. They never went out on dates, rarely talked on the phone, and he definitely never felt the way with her that Kayley made him feel. But he did have a good time with her, even if he always knew it would never go any further. He felt guilty, hating to see anyone upset, but he also knew he never told Dana that he was interested in a relationship at all.

  “Dana,” Ben started, and she quickly stopped him with a wave of her hand.

  “It’s fine, Ben, I get it. We were never anything official. I knew all along it was no strings attached with you. I guess I just kind of hoped that you would want more after a while.” She chewed a bite of her salad, looking off into the distance. He watched her, a feeling of dread settling in his stomach when he realized that he completely missed the signs that Dana wanted more than he was offering.

  His phone buzzed and he pulled it out of his pocket. I hope you have a good day too, the text said. I’ll talk to you later? He grinned as he spotted the name of the sender. Kayley. He typed out a quick response, The second I get out of here I’ll call you, and put the phone back in his pocket.

  Dana stared at him from across the table. “Who is she?” she whispered, trying but not succeeding in not looking upset. He looked at her, wondering if he should really get into this with her or not.

  “Dana, I’m so sorry. I feel like an asshole. I never realized that this—arrangement wasn’t okay with you anymore. It’s all my fault. You’re such a beautiful woman, and you will make someone really happy,” Ben twisted his hands, hating the feeling of making her feel like she was used.

  “Just not you, right, Ben?” Dana said. “Don’t mind me. I knew all along what the arrangement was. You were getting over your bad breakup, and made it extremely clear you didn’t want a relationship at all. I took it, fully knowing what I was getting into. I’m glad that someone has made you change your mind about having a relationship again. I just wish it could’ve been me.”

  Dana stood up and Ben followed. “Take care, Ben. Good luck. I hope she knows how lucky she is to get you.” She smiled tightly, hugged him, and then walked out of the cafeteria. He looked after her, guilt settling in his stomach like a boulder. He hated hurting her, but it was necessary to be honest with her. Since setting eyes on Kayley, she was the only one he thought about and wanted to be around. As Dana disappeared down the hallway, he couldn’t stop a smile from playing on his lips as he realized that he was one step closer to making a relationship official between himself and Kayley.

  Kayley pulled into her mom and dad’s driveway to get Alexis. It was a tiring Monday, yet all she could do was look at the clock and start counting the hours until Ben called her. As if on cue, his name came across her screen as a text message. Going to be later than I thought. I’ll call you as soon as I can. Crazy day today. She got an idea, and a smile came across her face. Before she could chicken out, she dialed Emily’s number.

  “Em?” she said when Emily answered. “I need your help. Can I bring Alexis over for a few hours?”

  Thirty minutes later, Kayley had gathered what she needed and was headed to the hospital. She parked in the lot, gathered her items, and began walking to the entrance. Her stomach fluttered at her boldness, but she forced herself to keep walking. She hoped he wasn’t too busy.

  She entered the automatic front doors and made her way to the reception desk, aware that this was a positive visit to the hospital and not a negative one. She really needed to start associating this hospital with Ben instead of the negative events it was currently associated with.

  “I’m looking for Dr. Ben Nichols,” Kayley said, trying to will her voice not to shake.

  The pretty blonde behind the desk smiled at her and then looked at the bags she carried. “Are you a patient?”

  Kayley swallowed, her mouth dry. “Um, no. I’m his-his friend.” The girl, whose nametag read Aimee, nodded and picked up the phone.

  “Don’t bother, Aimee. I know where he is, I’ll take her up.” A voice said from next to her. Kayley turned and saw a drop dead gorgeous woman standing next to her in polka dot scrubs. Her hair was long and wavy and a beautiful honey brown. Her brown eyes were framed by long eyelashes and a gorgeous face. She was tall, making Kayley have to look up at her, and she had a body that looked like she spent hours in the gym every day. Kayley looked down at herself quickly, dressed very casually in her work pants and polo shirt with her hair in an end-of-the-day ponytail.

  “Thanks, Dana,” Aimee smiled at both of them. “I would’ve had to page him anyway, he’s been all over this place today.”

  “Come on,” Dana said to Kayley. “He’s up in his office.”

  “Thank you,” Kayley said quietly, following her to the elevator. “You know Ben, er- Dr. Nichols well?”

  Dana looked at Kayley, not responding. Then, she smiled and said, “You must be her.”

  Kayley looked at Dana, a question in her eyes. “Excuse me?”

  Dana sighed. “Well, see, I know Ben pretty well. We had been seeing each other for a little while. Then today, he told me that he had met someone and didn’t want to see me anymore. You must be her.”

  Kayley’s heart thumped erratically in her chest, and she forced air into her lungs. She felt lightheaded. Ben had been seeing Dana, who looked like she just stepped out of a man’s fantasy, and worked with her day after day? And he broke it off for her?

  The elevator dinged on the 10th floor and Dana led her off, the silence enveloping both of them. All Kayley wanted to do was run back down the hall, into the elevator, and out to the safety of her car. She wanted to speed to Emily’s, get Alexis, and go home where she was safe and wasn’t about to get her heart trampled.

  Dana knocked briefly on an office door and then opened it. Ben sat behind the desk, typing on his computer. Kayley’s breath caught as she saw him. He had a pen stuck on the top of his ear. His doctor coat was flung on the chair and he was wearing a light blue dress shirt with the collar open at the top. He turned, still preoccupied. Then, his eyes registered what he was seeing and the blue of his eyes got swallowed by his pupils in surprise.

  “You have a visitor,” Dana announced. “I saw her downstairs and figured I would save Aimee from having to page to find you.” Ben stared at Dana, then turned his eyes to Kayley.

  “Kayley,” he breathed, his stomach in knots. Kayley and Dana were standing in his doorway. Kayley looked at him, then at Dana, and he didn’t miss the expression on her face. Almost like- no. Dana would not have talked to her on the way up the elevator.

  “Nice to meet you, Kayley,” Dana said, smiling at her and then Ben. “See you later, Ben.” Dana shut the door, leaving Kayley staring after her, not knowing what to say.

  Ben moved around his desk, smoothing his hair out. He had to be very careful what his next move was. He wasn’t foolish enough to think that he was in the clear as far as Kayley running away from him. Again. He noticed bags that she was carrying, and he took them and set them on his desk. Then she looked up at him, uncertainty written all over her face. He hated that look, and wanted nothing more than to reassure her that whatever Dana said, it wasn’t what she was thinking.

  He took her hands and pulled her closer to him. “This is a nice surprise,” he said, smiling. Kayley smiled back, still looking uncertain. “Where’s Alexis?”

  Kayley looked down. “Emily’s. I-I don’t know what I’m doing here, Ben. I’m sorry, I know you’re working…” Ben lifted her chin so she could look at him.

  “Kayley,” he began, running his hands down her arms. “I’m not really sure what Dana said to you on the way up here, and I promise we’ll get it all out in the open, but for now- let’s go back to what brought you here. Don’t be sorry for coming here, baby. This is the best part of my day so far. Other than getting your text message, of course.” Ben winked at her, and Kayley genuinely smiled. She shivered at his light touch, hating herself fo
r wanting him to kiss her but feeling like she needed it now.

  As if reading her mind, Ben leaned over and put her lips between his gently. She loved the feeling of his lips against hers. He smelled of wintergreen this time, and it made her tingle in anticipation. Kayley laced her fingers with Ben’s as she opened her mouth to deepen the kiss. Ben let go of her hands and put his arms around her, pulling her towards him. Kayley felt every manly part of his body, and used the opportunity to allow her hands to roam his firm muscles.

  Finally, Ben pulled away gently, whistling under his breath. “Damn girl,” he chuckled. “You keep that up, I will never look at this office the same way again.” Kayley laughed, knowing she wouldn’t forget this office anytime soon, either.

  “I brought dinner,” Kayley announced, indicating the bags. “I didn’t cook anything gourmet, since I haven’t even been home, but I got us some sub sandwiches, sweet tea, and chips.”

  “Hmmm,” Ben said, helping her unpack the bags. “I’m starved, too. Lunch was a long time ago.” He unwrapped the sandwiches and sat next to her. “Hey,” he started, and Kayley looked up at him, the look in her eyes taking his breath away. “You can always bring Alexis, baby.”

  Kayley nodded. “Thank you, Ben. She really enjoyed being with you, too. But I wanted it to be just us.” She looked down, seemingly embarrassed for admitting that. “Well, and a few thousand hospital goers. Oh and your flat out gorgeous ex-girlfriend, too, that brought me up here to see you.”

  Ah, there it was. The insecurity of talking to Dana. Ben put his sandwich down and turned to Kayley. “Kayley, do you trust me?” Ben asked.

  Kayley looked him dead in the eyes. “I really want to, Ben,” she whispered. “She’s absolutely gorgeous. Why did you break up with her for me?”

  Ben growled, frustrated that Dana would have the audacity to speak to Kayley about their relationship. “First of all,” he said, cupping Kayley’s face. “She has nothing on you. You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever known. Period.” He kissed Kayley’s eyes, then nose, then her soft, perfect lips. “Second, I’m really, really sorry that she just happened to be down there when you got here and she figured out who you were. Let me tell you about me and Dana.” He settled back in his seat, his sandwich half eaten on the table. Kayley did the same, needing to hear this before she could finish eating.

  “This could be a long story,” Ben started, looking at the wall clock. “So we may not get to talk about it all right now. But, telling you about Dana is first and foremost so you don’t get the wrong idea. You see, Dana and I have worked together for several years now, and I used to be pretty serious with a doctor around here, Zoey Peterson.”

  “Pretty serious?” Kayley interrupted, starting to look more and more uncomfortable.

  Ben sighed, not really sure that Kayley was ready for this entire story but knowing he now had no choice to tell it. “Zoey and I were engaged.”

  Kayley’s mouth dropped a little at that news. “Engaged? What happened? Is she still here?”

  Ben shook his head. “We were engaged for a year. She moved to New York after our breakup.” He took Kayley’s hands in his and traced the lines on her fingers with his. “But, let me tell you about Dana and then I’ll backtrack.”

  “See, after Zoey and my breakup-which was horribly painful for me-Dana was a friend. She knew Zoey and of course knew me from working here. We started hanging out as friends, and then, we started a relationship. But not like that-not like us, Kayley. I told her right from the beginning that I was damaged goods, that I had no desire at all to have a relationship again with anyone. Dana was okay with that. We didn’t ‘date’. We just…” Ben struggled for the appropriate words to describe what they were.

  “She was your sex buddy,” Kayley finished, putting her head in her hands. “Wow,” she breathed, trying to stop the thoughts from racing through her head and making her panicked. Ben and Dana. And he was engaged before to another doctor? “She’s in love with you.” Kayley looked up at him. “Isn’t she, Ben?”

  Ben pulled her hands to his face and kissed both of them. “Kayley, it wasn’t my intention at all to lead her on. I honestly didn’t think that she felt any differently about our arrangement than I did. She knew what Zoey did to me, and she also knew that I had no desire to have any relationship with anyone again. Until you. Meeting you, it changed me. I still can’t explain why, but I just knew I had to get to know you, I had to find out whether I was capable of a serious relationship again.” Ben broke off to allow Kayley to process his words.

  She looked at him, pain evident in her eyes. “And?” she questioned. Ben hated that look in her eyes. He could feel it, he was unraveling every bit of progress that he had made with her. This was a conversation he had hoped to have much later in their getting to know you phase.

  “I’m ready,” Ben stated, wanting badly to press his lips to hers but not knowing whether it was a good idea or not. Kayley’s eyes glittered with unshed tears.

  “Ben,” she breathed, putting her hand on his arm. He smiled at Kayley’s touch, feeling the electricity travel his body. “Everyone has skeletons in their closet. Lord knows I have baggage. Don’t mistake my being upset for this being a deal breaker. You didn’t do anything wrong. I just want to understand.”

  Ben couldn’t help it. He closed the small space between them and pulled Kayley’s face to his, kissing her hard. He planted kisses all over her face and neck, his heart pounding and his pulse racing. She responded by wrapping her arms around his waist, running her hands up his back. She tilted her head back, allowing him better access to her neck. Goose bumps broke out on her body at the feel of his hot lips devouring every part he could reach. She knew it was not the time or place, but she wanted him, and badly. She surprised herself at that thought, knowing that honestly, she didn’t know Ben hardly at all. Her body, however, thought she knew him just fine and wanted to know him better, right now.

  Kayley bravely untucked his shirt from his dress pants and ran her hands up his sculpted abs and chest. “God,” she breathed as he skimmed her breasts lightly while continuing to kiss her neck. “You’re so hot, Ben.” Ben stilled, moving his face to look into hers, and her stomach constricted with nerves. A huge smile broke out on his face, and she couldn’t help but to grin back at him.

  “Oh yeah?” he teased, pulling her shirt out of her pants. “I happen to think the same of you, Miss Carson. But hearing you say that out loud makes me all kinds of hot, baby.” He stood, quickly crossing the small office and locking the door. Kayley watched him, his shirt untucked, hair messed, and a grin on his face, and knew. If Ben didn’t put the brakes on what was happening here, she wouldn’t. The thought of that surprised her, but she found that it didn’t scare her. She stood, meeting Ben in the middle of the floor. She looked him in the eyes as she began unbuttoning that sexy dress shirt. His eyes locked onto hers, and the heat that she saw there burned her to the core. She made quick work of the buttons and pushed the shirt off his broad shoulders. He then stood in front of her in black dress pants and a white undershirt. The muscles of his chest and arms weren’t hidden by that thin white shirt, and Kayley wasted no time helping him remove that as well. Their sandwiches were forgotten on his desk as they were hungry for more than the food could offer.

  Ben stood in front of Kayley, now in only his pants, trying to will himself to breathe. He had no idea if he should continue this, but really, really didn’t want to stop it. “You’re wearing too many clothes,” he whispered, almost praying that him saying something didn’t wake her up from this dream. He reached over and tugged on the bottom of her polo shirt, pulling it easily over her head and dropping it to the floor. He had to stop himself from gasping at her, standing there so sexy in his office, now wearing only her pants and a sexy black lace bra. He ran his hands over her smooth shoulders, then down to the cups of her bra.

  “I will never think of this office the same, Kayley,” Ben said. “I’m not sure I will ever get any work done in
here again.” Kayley laughed, making his heart squeeze. “You’re so beautiful.” He leaned down and pressed his lips to the place in between her breasts, and she gasped.

  “Ben,” she said into his hair as he explored her. He stopped, looking up at her and praying she didn’t tell him to stop. “I’m-I’m not just a thing for you, right?” Kayley looked into his eyes, her heart pounding and her body screaming, but needing to know the answer.

  “I made you doubt us,” Ben whispered, his face even with hers. Kayley shook her head no, but Ben silenced her with a kiss. “Kayley, you’re not just a thing to me. Not ever. I care about you more than I ever thought I would care about anyone again. Please, believe me.”

  “I do,” Kayley said against his mouth. She took his hand and led him to his plush leather office chair, then bravely pushed him into it. Ben watched this woman that was quickly capturing every part of his heart, wondering where in the world this was going but unable to stop it. She stepped up so that her legs were touching his, and he couldn’t stop the shudder that went through his body. He had never wanted anything more than he wanted her, right now.

  Kayley took a deep breath, having no idea what had gotten into her, but refusing to stop. She unbuttoned her pants, and Ben’s eyes immediately followed her hands. He looked back into her eyes, and what she saw there fueled her to keep going. His blue eyes were dark and completely fixed on hers. She undid the zipper on her pants and started to push them down her hips.

  Ben sat up, startling Kayley. “Please, let me,” he begged, putting his hands over hers. She moved her hands and nodded slightly, giving him all the permission he needed. He slowly pushed her pants down her hips until they fell to the floor. Ben’s eyes traveled the length of her body, and she swore she was going to internally combust just by his look. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”