Living Again

by L. L. Collins

  Kayley stood in front of him, wearing a matching black lace thong and that sexy as hell black lace bra, and it was all Ben could do to stay rooted to that chair. Seeing her in that pink bikini had been one thing- but seeing her here, her clothes in a puddle on the floor and her standing in her underwear in front of him, it did him in.

  “Ben,” Kayley whispered, shifting from one foot to another. He reached out and ran his hands along her slim hips. His fingers ached to touch her in every single place on her body, but he was afraid to scare her. “Ben,” she said again, louder this time. He looked up at her, still running his hands along her delicate skin. She leaned over and kissed him, her lips feeling like fire and her tongue exploring every part of his mouth. The passion in her kiss shattered Ben’s resolve, and he pulled her towards him, his hands on her very fine backside. She straddled him in the chair, pressing herself to him. A groan started in the back of his throat as they connected in the most intimate way. Kayley began moving against him in a very slight, but noticeable way, and Ben wondered how long he could keep this up before acting like a teenager.

  Ben’s hands traveled her body: her hips, her thighs, and along the edge of her very small panties. Kayley touched him as well, as they continued to deepen their kiss. Noises came from Kayley as Ben got braver, moving his hand from the edge of her panties down. He was in a battle in his mind right now- the part that was screaming at him to keep going, and the other part that was jumping up and down and telling him not to push her too much just yet.

  Kayley sat up straighter, putting her breasts directly in front of his face. He breathed in and began kissing her, from her neck down to her bra line and back up. At the same time, he moved one of his hands slowly to the front of her, gauging her reaction. She gasped, pulling her hands through his hair and arching her back. The primal reaction she had to him almost touching her drove him to continue, and he used one finger to move her panties out of the way. She froze and he looked up at her face. He thought he would die if she said stop now, but he also wanted to make sure that she was okay.

  “Kayley?” Ben questioned. They both were panting with sexual tension. Her face twisted into a huge grin and she moved her hand down in between them and unbuttoned his pants. Ben closed his eyes briefly at the sensation of her brushing against him, and took that moment to touch her with one finger. Feeling her there was amazing, and Ben had to concentrate hard to keep himself from ruining the moment by embarrassing himself. “Oh. My. God.” Ben bit out as his finger touched her wetness. He ran his finger gently along her and then into her, in disbelief that this was happening.

  “Ben!” Kayley moaned, reaching her hands to the waistband of his boxers. Kayley had never been more turned on in her life. She felt like she was having an out of body experience right now, but never wanted to come back to earth. His finger moved inside of her, and she couldn’t stop her hips from moving with it. She could feel how aroused he was, and it fueled her to keep going. She reached inside and touched him with one hand. Ben groaned, stilling momentarily.

  “Dear God,” he muttered. Kayley ran her hand up and down the length of him, feeling him grow and lengthen under her hand. She looked him in the eyes as she kissed him, her tongue dancing with his as they continued to touch each other. Ben, no longer thinking at all, moved another finger inside her and watched as Kayley began to lose control.

  “Yessss,” she hissed, rubbing her thumb along the top of him and her hand along the rest of him. She was quivering, and he knew that she was close. He gritted his teeth to try to hold on. Pressing with his free hand at her sensitive spot while moving inside her with the other, she came apart, gasping and moaning and calling his name. It was the most satisfying moment of his entire life. As she calmed, her strokes slowed down and her kiss became softer. Ben ran his hands back up her body and to her face.

  “Kayley,” he said against her mouth. “Remember how I told you after that kiss that you had ruined me from any other kisses ever again?” She nodded. “Well, what just happened here? You just ruined me from any other woman. Ever. That was absolutely incredible. You’re incredible.”

  Kayley flushed, almost embarrassed at what had happened but in too much bliss to really care. She looked down at him, still very aroused, and smiled. “You didn’t have any fun.” She touched him again, and it was all he could do to not lose it right there.

  He laughed. “Baby,” he said into her ear. “Don’t you worry about me. I had more fun than you can even imagine.”

  “Can I come over?” Ben asked, buttoning his shirt. “I do really want to tell you the rest of the story about Dana and Zoey. We got kind of- distracted.” He wiggled his eyebrows at her. “Not that I’m complaining.”

  Kayley looked at him over her shoulder, tucking her shirt back into her pants. “I want to hear it, Ben. Do you think we can handle talking instead of…” She smirked, indicating their rumpled clothing.

  Ben leaned over, pressing his lips to hers. “Only one way to find out,” he breathed against her. “I’ll bring our sandwiches and drinks. You get Alexis. I’m not getting another shred of work done tonight, and maybe not ever again with the visual I have burned in my memory now.”

  Kayley laughed out loud, pulling him to her again and kissing his addicting lips. “Are you for real, Ben Nichols? I feel like I’m dreaming.”

  Ben pulled her into a hug, running his hands through her disheveled hair. “Ditto, baby. I never want to wake up.”

  “Thanks, Em,” Kayley smiled, taking Alexis from her arms. “I gotta run.”

  Emily stared at her, her mouth agape. “Holy sh-” she started, then realized the girls were there. “Moly.”

  Kayley grinned, trying to play dumb. “What?” She ruffled Cate’s hair and gave Alexis a kiss on the head, trying to distract Emily from what was about to come out of her mouth. The only person on this earth that knew Kayley without saying a word was Emily, and she was reading everything right now.

  “Cate,” Emily said to her daughter. “Can you take Alexis into your room for a minute and play? I need to chat with Aunt Kay really quick.” Kayley put Alexis down and she happily squealed after Cate, leaving them alone.

  “Where’s Trevor?” Kayley asked, not sure she wanted him to witness the inquisition.

  Emily waved her hand towards their bedroom. “Watching sports. Kayley Lynn Johnson Carson, you look like you-you,” Emily broke off, shaking her head. “I cannot even believe I am going to say this,” she grinned at Kayley.

  “You better spill it soon,” Kayley teased, looking at her watch. “I have to get home.”

  Emily narrowed her eyes at Kayley. “You have to get home? Why? Wait- Ben is coming over? Holy shit, Kay! What is going on? Didn’t you go to the hospital? What…” Emily’s eyes widened, and she put her hand over her mouth. “What did you do? You better tell me now. Did you- sleep with him?”

  Kayley chuckled, really enjoying this. “Emily Andrews,” she scolded. “How dare you ask a woman such a thing?”

  “KAYLEY!” Emily squealed. “Are you kidding me? I’m your best friend in the entire world! You two practically blew up my pool deck the other night with sexual tension! You just went to the hospital to see him. Then you show up, two hours later, looking like you-you,” Emily lowered her voice, “are very satisfied, and then you want to be all vague! Spill it, lady.”

  “I did not sleep with him, Emily. Geesh. I did however… play with him.” Kayley grinned at Emily.

  “Played with him? What in the hell kind of vague statement is that? Kayley, I’m warning you…”

  “Okay, okay,” Kayley gave in. “We made out. Like high schoolers. Just without most of our clothes on.” Emily’s mouth dropped open.

  “So, he’s uh- good, huh?” Emily snickered, looking her up and down.

  “Let’s just say,” Kayley whispered, moving closer to Emily. “That he knows how to satisfy. And that his office will always be a great memory.” Kayley got up, heading towards Cate’s room to get Alexis. “But I re
ally do have to go. Ben and I have some things to discuss, and I need to get home.”

  Emily watched Kayley walk across the house, gathering Alexis and her things. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing and hearing. Kayley was changing, and it was all because of Ben. She just hoped and prayed that he continued to break down her walls.

  “Girls night, soon,” Kayley promised, standing in the open doorway. “I will tell you everything, I promise. Right now, I need to talk to Ben. Seems we both have some skeletons we need to get rid of.”

  Emily arched her eyebrow. “Oh really? Guess you figured out he wasn’t as perfect as you thought, huh?”

  Kayley smiled, a faraway look coming into her eyes. “Oh, he’s pretty perfect, alright,” she said. Emily laughed.

  “It’s so great to see you like this again, Kay. Can I say one thing without you getting mad?”

  Emily followed Kayley to her car, watching her strap Alexis into her car seat. She turned and faced her, waiting for what was to come.

  “Isn’t it about time, Kay, to box up Alex’s stuff? How do you think this is going to go for you and Ben, having a reminder of Alex every time he’s at your house? Especially now that things seem to be quickly moving towards- serious.”

  Kayley blew out the breath she was holding. Alex. She hadn’t thought of him once in days. That was the first time that had happened in over a year. She knew Emily was right, and it was beyond time to let that part of her go. He was never coming back. She had justified all of the pictures by saying that Alexis needed to see her Daddy. The reality was, however, that it was for Kayley, because she wasn’t ready to let it go. Letting go of his ashes, then her wedding ring, had been too much. After that she held on to his belongings like she was a shipwrecked sailor holding on to a life preserver.

  “You’re right,” Kayley admitted, hugging Emily. “It’s time.”

  Emily smiled sadly, squeezing her hand. “I’m proud of you in so many ways. How about this? You drop Lexi off at your mom’s one day this weekend, and we’ll have that girls’ night where you will spill every single detail about Dr. Yummy himself, and we’ll box up and give away Alex’s clothes and store the memories in the attic.” Kayley nodded, not able to speak past the lump in her throat. “It’ll be okay. I promise. This is what Alex would want for you. And he wouldn’t want you to be getting to know Ben with all of his stuff still hanging in your closet and around your house like he’s coming home. I know that’s hard to hear, but you’re the one still here, Kayley. That stuff doesn’t mean anything to Alex anymore. We can ask his parents to come over and get anything they’d like, and Adam and Amber, too.”

  “I love you, Emily,” Kayley hugged her again, tears in her eyes. “Thank you. For everything.”

  “I love you too, Kay,” Emily said, tears in her eyes as well.

  Kayley drove home, Alexis babbling quietly in the back seat. Her mind was racing all over the place. Ben, Alex, hospital rooms, offices, and closets full of clothes and belongings. She was conflicted- so ecstatic and happy over Ben, and so sad and heartbroken over the thought of saying goodbye to Alex forever by getting rid of all of his stuff.

  She pulled into her driveway and saw Ben, standing against his sleek black car, holding the bag she had brought to the hospital with the food in it. As she cut the engine off, Alexis squealed in the back seat.

  “Ben! Ben! Ben! Out! Out! Out!” she yelled, getting his attention. He grinned, walking towards her door and opening it.

  “Well hello, baby girl,” he cooed, unbuckling her belt. “How is Princess Alexis tonight?”

  She latched her little arms around his neck as he lifted her out of the seat, then kissed him on the mouth. “BEN!” She laid her head on his shoulder and squeezed him in a hug. “Pay?” Her big blue eyes looked into his, and he laughed.

  Kayley cleared her throat, feeling emotional again from watching Alexis so unguardedly love Ben. “It’s bedtime, baby,” she smiled, lacing her fingers with Ben’s free hand. He leaned over and kissed her, sensing her emotional state. Alexis squealed, wrapping one arm around Ben and one around Kayley.

  “Mama,” she said. “Ben, Wex,” she pointed her little finger. “Home.”

  Kayley didn’t miss the meaning of this little girl’s simple words. Mama, Lex, and Ben were home.

  “Come here, Lexi, you need your jammies on,” Kayley sing-songed. Alexis wanted nothing to do with going to bed now that Ben was here.

  Ben took them from her hands. “Do you mind?” he asked. She shook her head and watched as he walked to Alexis and she put up her arms to allow him to change her.

  “Traitor,” Kayley whispered, but beamed. Yet another way Ben was breaking down her walls, through her daughter. Alexis had fallen for him, hook, line, and sinker.

  “Bedtime?” Ben asked, holding Alexis, now dressed nicely in her pajamas. Kayley nodded.

  “Yes, bed awaits, little girl. Come on,” Kayley held her arms out for Alexis.

  “No,” She said, jutting out her lip. “Ben, ni ni.” Kayley shook her head, laughter bubbling up in her chest. Apparently Ben had a way with all of the Carson women.

  “Okay, then,” Kayley kissed her on her soft baby head. “I love you, baby girl. Sleep well.”

  Ben walked Alexis into her bedroom, his heart full. Every time he was with Kayley, he thought it was the best day of his life. But today, the last few hours, had topped it all. He sat with her in her rocking chair, not quite ready to lay her down yet, even if he did really want to get out there with Kayley.

  Alexis lifted her head and looked at him, smiling. He had always loved kids, but never really felt the way he felt about Alexis about any of the children in his life. He touched her face, so much her mom but parts of her dad, too. She continued studying him the way only children can do.

  “Lexi,” he whispered, using the nickname Kayley called her. “You’re a very special little girl. I really like being here with you and your mom.” Alexis sat still, listening to him. “She’s very important to me, and so are you. So thanks for liking me, Princess.” Ben knew that he was talking to a toddler, and that she really had hardly any clue what he was saying, but he wanted to say it anyway.

  Alexis took her little hand and placed it on Ben’s face. Then, she turned and looked at the picture on her dresser of Kayley and Alex. “Dada,” she said. Ben nodded his head.

  “Yes, that’s your Daddy,” Ben echoed what Kayley had said previously. “He’s in Heaven.”

  “Daddy,” Alexis repeated, her hand back on his face. She leaned into him and he closed his eyes, loving her baby smell of powder and baby wash. “Daddy Ben.”

  Ben’s eyes filled with tears without warning. What was happening to him? Why was that the best thing that anyone had ever said to him? Alexis’ eyebrows furrowed as she noticed his tears.

  “Daddy Ben no cwy,” she said, hugging him. He held on to this little girl, not even a year and a half old, who could see right through him. She had called him Daddy Ben. What would Kayley think of that?

  He stood up, trying to gather his emotions before walking out to see Kayley. He wasn’t sure that he should get into that with her yet. It may be too much too soon. “Night, night, baby. Sweet dreams.” He laid Alexis in her crib and tucked her monkey under her arm. She smiled, then popped her thumb in her mouth and closed her eyes.

  “Ni, ni, Daddy Ben,” she mumbled around her thumb. “Wuv you.”

  Ben gripped the side of her crib, tears dripping off his chin. He breathed in and out, watching Alexis relax and fall asleep. His emotions were a jumbled mess. In a matter of months, his whole life had turned upside down. He was falling in love again. Not only with a beautiful, sexy, amazing woman, but her little girl, too. It scared the hell out of him.

  Kayley heard Ben come out of Alexis’ room and go into the bathroom across from her bedroom. She had heard him talking to her through her baby monitor, but couldn’t make out what they were saying. All she knew was that Ben, this man that she didn’t know a few month
s ago, had completely rooted himself in her life, and she liked it. If someone had told her last year when Alexis was born that she would meet someone that would care for her and her daughter, she would’ve never believed it.

  She stared at the pictures adorning her entertainment center, and knew it was time. She stood up, looking down the hall and seeing that Ben was still in the bathroom. She pulled the many frames down, stacking them gently on top of one another. She left baby pictures of Alexis and a few of her with Alexis, and carried the rest to the spare room, putting them gently on the dresser.

  As she turned around, Ben was standing there, an expression on his face that she couldn’t quite place. “Ben?” she walked to him and looked up, searching his face. “Are you okay?”

  He breathed in erratically, pulling her to him without a word. He hugged her tightly, running his hands up and down her back. “Ben?” she asked again.

  “Kayley,” he whispered into her hair, his voice breaking with emotion. “I feel ridiculous.” She leaned back so that she could look at his face, noticing that tears shimmered in his eyes.

  “What’s wrong?” A pit of fear gripped Kayley’s stomach, and she started shaking. What if he couldn’t do this? What if he decided having her and Alexis was just too much too soon? What if breaking it off with Dana made him doubt everything?

  “I’m going to say something that’s going to scare the hell out of you, because it does me.” Ben started, a tear escaping from his eye. Kayley reached up and wiped it away. “I’m sorry that I’m going to upset you, but it has to be said.”

  “I understand, Ben,” Kayley interrupted. “It’s too much. You didn’t know what you were getting into. I get it.”

  “Baby,” Ben sat her down on the edge of the guest bedroom bed, holding her face in his hands. “You have it all wrong. I’m not ending it, Kayley. Far from it. I am pretty sure that I’m falling in love with you and Alexis. It’s too soon, I know. That little girl in there…” he stopped, his voice breaking. “She just wrecked me. She’s a baby, and she loves me. She told me that. And you-you’re so strong. You lost your husband, became a single mom, all in such a short time. You let me in, Kayley, even when you thought you couldn’t. You show up at my hospital tonight and surprise the hell out of me, in more ways than one.” Ben pressed his lips to hers briefly. “Then, I get here and you allow me to put your baby, the love of your life, to bed. Then while I’m in there, you’re out here putting away pictures of you and Alex. You didn’t have to do that. I understand.”