Love, Lies & Consequences

by Frazier, Natasha D.

  “Good afternoon, thanks for calling Dr. Johnson and Dr. Mallory’s nurses’ station. How may I help you?”

  “Good afternoon, this is Raegan Sanders. Is there any chance that Dr. Mallory can see me today?”

  “You called at the perfect time. Dr. Mallory just had a cancellation. If you can get here by 3:00, she can see you then.” The nurse said. She then took the details of Raegan’s reason for needing an appointment and added Raegan to Dr. Mallory’s patient schedule for the 3:00 time slot.

  “Excellent! Thank you. I’m on my way,” she said, entering the elevator. When she arrived at her floor, she quickly entered the double paneled glass doors and walked as fast as she could, without running, to her office. She sent an e-mail to her manager, letting her know that she was taking sick leave for the rest of the day, threw her things into her brown leather Coach briefcase, snapped it closed and raced back out of her office, without closing the door or turning off the light, and headed back to the elevators.

  As she waited for the elevators, she began to think the worst of everything. She lost Rico but she was actually glad about that. In fact, it was sort of a relief to be free of him, but obviously freedom didn’t come without a price. If she was infected, she felt like he would somehow be a part of her forever. Ugh! She couldn’t imagine the thought. What if I were to lose Caleb with all of this too? Maybe he would understand. Maybe I wouldn’t have to mention it if my test results came back negative. She had to pull herself together and make it past this first.

  The elevator finally arrived after what seemed like at least fifteen minutes. She glanced at her watch to see that it had only been two minutes, but with everything that was going on in her life right now, it seemed like forever. She stepped into the elevator, pressed the ground floor button and checked her face in the mirrored panels. She hoped that she didn’t look as disheveled as she felt. Smoothing her curls and her clothes, she did a quick eye, nose and teeth check right as the elevator arrived at the ground floor. As soon as the doors opened, she walked as fast as she could without looking like someone was chasing her or like she was picking up pace in a marathon.

  When she finally made it to her coupe, she opened the door, slung the briefcase into the passenger seat, slid into the car, buckled up, ignited the engine and sped through the parking garage. She knew that was dangerous in more ways than one, but she was a woman on a mission. Exiting the garage, she maneuvered her way through traffic on the verge of speeding to arrive at the doctor’s office at 2:55 p.m. She left her car with valet, grabbed a ticket stub and rushed into the building.

  Raegan prayed and asked God to help her through this. She couldn’t believe how drastically her life changed over the last few months. She vowed not to have sex again until she got married, not even with Caleb, no matter how great the sex was. She had to get her life back in order. She felt like she was so far out of line with God that she couldn’t feel His presence. She knew He was there but it just felt like there was so much in between her and her heavenly Father. She promised herself that she would work to get back on track and that she would be honest with her accountability partner. After all, it didn’t do her any good having an accountability partner if she wasn’t allowing her to hold her accountable.

  CHAPTER 41

  ∞

  Raegan finally made it home after weaving through the rush hour traffic. She called Kensi to have a serious discussion with her while she made dinner. Hopefully Kensi was home from work or at least some place where she could talk. After deciding on tilapia and fresh steamed veggies, she placed the fish in the sink filled with cold water, picked up her cell phone, and dialed Kensi’s number. It was time to come clean.

  “Hello,” Kensi answered merrily. She was in a great mood.

  “Hey girl! How are you?”

  “I’m great Rae. What’s going on?”

  “Way too much. Can you talk?” Raegan asked hopefully.

  “Sure can. I worked from home today because I’m preparing to go out of town again for work on tomorrow. They are sending me to Palm Springs, California, for training. I am looking forward to it. Anything at this point to get away from these freezing temperatures in New York. What’s up with you, though?” she asked, sorting through her laundry to prepare for her trip.

  “Are you sitting down? If not, you probably should,” Raegan said. Raegan felt drained just thinking about everything going on in her life. She figured Kensi would feel emotionally drained as well after she poured her heart out. She really just wanted to take a nap, but she needed to eat something and wrap up some unfinished work.

  “Okay. You don’t sound like your usual chipper self. Tell me what’s wrong. Did Rico or Caleb do something crazy? Do I need to come out there and straighten someone out for you, girl? I can make a detour on my way to Cali if you need me to,” Kensi said, trying to cheer up her friend.

  “You may need to straighten me out as well.” Raegan paused to collect her thoughts. She knew that her friend wouldn’t judge her, but she couldn’t help but judge herself. It felt like her life was spiraling out of control. “I slept with Rico, Kensi.” She paused again waiting for Kensi to respond, but her confession was greeted by silence.

  Leaning forward with her elbows on the kitchen table and her head resting in the palm of her hands, Raegan continued. “I know it’s insane. I’ve gone through it over and over again and I can’t believe that I broke my celibacy so easily. I guess I thought that he was the one and that ultimately it wouldn’t matter too much if we had sex before we got married, because we were in fact getting married. Or so I thought.”

  “Raegan, we both know that there aren’t any guarantees when it comes to things like that. I wish you would have come to me and at least had given me the chance to talk you out of it.”

  “That’s just the thing Kens. It’s not like I contemplated it. I got caught up in the moment several times. Once after telling myself I wouldn’t do it again, I allowed him to sleep over. I woke up the next morning with his head in between my legs. It was hard to stop things after that. At that point, I wanted it. I was such a fool.” Rambling on, Raegan said, “You know I think I’m more upset with myself for putting myself in that kind of predicament and allowing things to go too far. I mean, I know better. I don’t know what happened to me.”

  “We all get weak, Raegan. You, my friend, just got caught up. It happens to all of us at some point, whether it’s with sex or some other sin that we’re dealing with.”

  “I suppose I had a temporary lapse in judgment. I sometimes feel like this celibacy thing and trying to do things God’s way when it comes to relationships is just too hard and I will possibly end up alone, you know?”

  “Now Raegan, cut that silly talk out. You and I both know and believe that the right guy for you wouldn’t mind waiting and that he should be on the same path spiritually anyway.”

  Raegan knew that Kensi’s words rang true. She now believed that she and Caleb were getting on track and focused on doing things the right way. She was a bit more encouraged since they’d been having many talks lately about what they want in life both spiritually and with each other. Both Raegan and Caleb desired to please God in all of their ways and didn’t want their relationship to get in the way of that.

  Kensi continued interrupting Raegan’s thoughts. “Well, I can tell you right now that part of your problem is that you’re focused on the wrong thing. What happened to cause you to shift your focus from God’s timing to your timing?” Kensi knew that Raegan could get ahead of herself because she deeply desired to be married. Raegan’s relationship with Damian was proof of that.

  Letting out a long sigh, Raegan finally said, “I don’t know. I wish I knew. But hold on, there’s a whole lot more to this story.”

  “I’m all ears,” Kensi said as she zipped her suitcase. She plopped down on the bed, stretched out on her stomach, kicked her heels in the air and waited for Raegan to continue.

  “Caleb and I have been talking a lot more and spendi
ng time together when he comes to town working on his transition to the area. In fact, I recently slept with him, too.” Raegan paused. She knew there wouldn’t be silence on the line after she dropped that bomb.

  “Oh my goodness Raegan! All of sudden, you’re like some kind of sex kitten or something? What’s going on with you? As your friend and accountability partner, I need you to cease all of those shenanigans. No more of that.”

  “Shenanigans?” Raegan asked laughing.

  “Yeah, girl. You are out of control. We’re supposed to be helping each other through this celibacy thing, but you’ve completely cut me out of it. I must admit that I’m disappointed in you. This is so out of character for you.”

  “I know. I have resolved not to have sex again until marriage. Sex with both of them has clouded my judgment, leaving me so confused, at least until today,” Raegan said as she told Kensi about Rico’s confession of possibly having transmitted an STD to her.

  “Raegan, I’m so sorry honey. Talking about a consequence?! I really hope things turn out well and that your test is negative.”

  “Yeah…me too. I’m praying it’s negative…” From the moment Rico gave Raegan the news, she had been pleading with God to have mercy on her for her lapses in judgment. The weight of everything was becoming too much for her and she wasn’t prepared to deal with any of it.

  “You know Raegan, oftentimes, that’s how we are as God’s children. We forget about Him and get ourselves tangled up in mess and then want Him to fix it. Most of the time we know the right thing to do but we choose the selfish route, only thinking about ourselves, and seek to fulfill the pleasure of our flesh,” Kensi reminded Raegan.

  “I know. I’ve made a long string of wrong choices over the past few weeks. Thankfully God is a forgiving God!” Raegan was reminded of the scriptures that she was holding close to her heart: Psalm 103:8-12

  The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

  “Wait!” Kensi said as if a light bulb had gone off in her head. “Raegan, have you told Caleb?!?”

  “Not yet. I’m waiting until I receive my test results.”

  “Eww. Are you sure that you should wait to tell him? I mean, that is pretty serious business.”

  “I know it is, but I need to know what my results are before I mention it to him, I think.” Raegan already felt guilty about everything because she was the one who initiated sex with Caleb. She hoped that if her results were negative that he wouldn’t take it so hard. Raegan also felt like Rico deceived her, so she was having an issue getting past that. “And you know what? Something just doesn’t feel right with Rico’s story, but I don’ know if I should even be concerned with it anymore,” she told Kensi.

  “This is all pretty heavy Raegan. I just wish we would have had the chance to talk before all of this happened.”

  “I know. I’m sorry. I guess an even bigger part of me wanted to go through with it, and that is why I didn’t call you. Of course, I knew you were going to talk me out of it and that wasn’t what I wanted. It’s almost like Coca-Cola to me. You know I don’t drink soda but every now and again, maybe once a year, I will have a taste of it. I am reminded of how good it is, although I know it isn’t good for me. The taste is so satisfying that I have to have that Coca-Cola again the next day and possibly the day after that, until I get my fill of it. It’s not until three days later that I realized I have done my body a disservice, cheated on my diet and practically went crazy by going overboard drinking so much of it in such a short period of time,” Raegan said, trying to explain why she kept making the same choice over and over again. She slouched down in the breakfast nook, sulking over her mistakes.

  “Really Raegan? Coca-Cola?” she asked laughing out loud. “You are too funny but I think I understand. There is something in that drink that’s addictive, and sex can certainly be addictive as well. I’m pretty sure that God knows that and that is why God intended for it to be preserved for married couples.”

  “I agree,” Raegan said. And she really did agree, but while caught up in the moment, her choices proved otherwise.

  “Raegan, you know you can call me anytime, especially if you’re feeling weak and need someone to remind you that you can make it and that God has created you for a higher purpose. Next time, remember that those few minutes of carnal pleasure are not worth God’s eternal blessings. I believe in you Rae. You’ve done well for so long. God is a forgiving God. Just remember to release it all to Him.”

  “Thanks friend. I’m sending you an air hug right now. Thanks for helping me feel better about myself and this entire situation. I have gotten myself into a big mess here,” Raegan said.

  “You’re welcome. You’ll get through it. I know you will. God has so much more in store for you,” Kensi encouraged her friend. She knew that Raegan needed her. After hanging up the phone, she silently vowed to be a little more probing in order to do her part as Raegan’s accountability partner.

  CHAPTER 42

  ∞

  Trying to gain her composure as much as possible before answering Caleb’s call, Raegan shut her eyes tight, let out a long, deep breath and pressed answer. “Hey!” she said in the cheeriest voice she could. The possibility of having contracted an STD weighed heavily on her. The idea that she may have passed it on to him and the fact that she was withholding that information made her feel even more guilty.

  “Hello beautiful. You were on my mind so I was just calling to check on you. I am on my way to a going-away happy hour in my honor, but wanted to take a few seconds to hear your beautiful voice.”

  Having mixed emotions about the fact that the call was going to be short, she answered, “I’m okay. I am about to eat dinner and then I have to get to work. I have a ton of work to get done; I didn’t get a lot accomplished in the office today.”

  “Why is that?” he asked. His concern was evident in his voice. “Is everything okay?”

  “Yes, it will be. I just have a ton of work piling up with the transition into my new role,” she said, telling a half-truth. She could handle work and didn’t care about how much she would have to take on; what she couldn’t handle was being marked with a sexually transmitted disease for the rest of her life, especially from someone she no longer had a desire to be with. Her stomach turned just thinking about it.

  “I have total confidence in you; you are one of the strongest and most efficient women I know.” He asked, “What are you having for dinner?”

  “Baked fish and steamed veggies.”

  “Umm, that sounds good and healthy. Will you promise to prepare me some of that when I settle into town?”

  “If you still want it by then, most certainly,” she said, not referring to the time but to what she had to share with him. In no way could she share it over the phone, she decided; it would just have to wait until he returned.

  “Of course I will. One last thing I want to share with you before you go. I am certain that this will cheer you up.”

  “All right! Let’s hear it,” she said as she prepared her plate.

  “We got the house—the very first house we toured!! The realtor called me a couple of hours ago,” he said, grinning. Things were starting to come together for them. He was one step closer to getting the life he wanted with her.

  “Oh my gosh! Really?! That is so exciting!” she said. That news really did lift her spirits but she knew that it wasn’t her house and would probably never be when he heard what she had to tell him.

  “Yeah, it definitely is. Looks like we have another reason to celebrate,” he said, thinking of their upcoming celebration of her promotion.

  “Thank you for sharing the news. That definitely brightened my day a
little…”

  “Then I’ve done my duty for the evening…I will let you eat and get to work. I just made it to the happy hour. And Cami…remember that you don’t have to worry. Everything will turn out well; pace yourself and try not to stress,” said Caleb, trying to encourage her.

  “Okay, thanks. I will do that. Have a good night,” Raegan said softly.

  “Good night, beautiful,” said Caleb as he ended the call. The sound of her voice always excited him and he hoped that would never change. As for Raegan, just the sound of his deep tenor voice had her heart flipping and pulse racing. The butterflies that she needed. She was glad that he called because she felt somewhat comforted, for the time being, in the midst of this thunderstorm that she was experiencing.

  ***

  One week had gone by since Raegan’s doctor’s appointment. She worked to keep herself busy so that she wouldn’t worry about her test results. She had no idea how to handle a situation like this and she was scared out of her mind. Bastard! she thought to herself, but truly she couldn’t put all of the blame on him; she got herself into this mess.

  The doctor’s office called to set an appointment so that she could come in and talk about her test results. This could not be good, she thought. She was sure that the doctor said that they would give her the results over the phone. The earliest they could see her was tomorrow morning. She was going to go crazy until then. There was no way she could sit at work and actually be productive with this doctor’s appointment looming over her head. She decided to take personal leave for the rest of the day so that she could find something that would occupy her time. The movies! She could get lost in someone else’s story. She drove straight to the theater near her house to catch any movie that would take her mind off her own problems.

  Back at home later, she was still restless. After pacing for half an hour, she decided to distract herself and channel her restless energy into cleaning. Starting with her dresser, she pulled out the two top drawers and dumped the contents on her bed. Sorting through her underwear, she found old love letters and greeting cards from ex-boyfriends. She paused to read a few cards and letters. Most of the cards brought a smile to her face as she remembered old loves.