I Can't Die Alone

by Regina Bartley

  Saddened at the thought, I tried to put it in the back of my mind and just kept hoping that things would be different with me.

  Bo had been working all week, and finally leaving me alone. He keeps insisting on getting me a nurse to sit with me during the day, but I haven’t been ready to take that step yet. I could still get out of bed, and until I couldn’t, I didn’t want a hired babysitter.

  Lately Bo has been tiptoeing around me like I was as fragile as a fresh egg. He takes extra care when he touches me, and only lightly kisses me at bedtime. At times he will lightly hold my hand as we sit on the couch, but that’s it. It’s not like my heart is bad. In fact it seems as strong as ever since I had my last crying meltdown. My body was weaker, but my heart certainly wasn’t.

  Twice today he texted just to check on me, and both times I was fine. He kept asking me if I would be okay for dinner. I’d felt better than I had over the past several days, so I knew that dinner would be okay. I probably wouldn’t eat much, but I was happy to spend time at the dinner table. It wasn’t fun eating in the bed all the time. It was important for me to embrace the good days, and roll with them. They were few and far between.

  By the third text message, I realized something was up. He never made such a big deal about dinner before. He was clearly up to something, so I felt the need to make myself look halfway decent for the night.

  I carefully braided my hair over my left shoulder, and slipped on something besides jogging pants. Everything I’d purchased before was hanging off of me like potato sacks but they were the only clothes I had. I wore a pair of blue jeans and one of my favorite tees, and I put on a little mascara. That was the best I could do.

  Sitting on the sink in front of the bathroom mirror, I assessed my appearance. My dark eyes looked even darker than before, and I’d clearly lost weight in my face. It was the first time I’d ever seen my cheekbones. They were usually hidden behind my pudgy cheeks. But now they stood out on my face, and I looked five years older at least. I’d noticed myself changing over the past week, but this was the first time I’d been so up close and personal.

  Ugh, I didn’t like it.

  I went over my eyelashes with the mascara three times, but it didn’t help. So I lightly brushed on some beige eye shadow. That didn’t help either. It was no use. No amount of makeup was going to hide the sickness from my face. Hopefully it was something of an improvement though. I didn’t want to look like a bum for whatever the hell he had planned. And I knew he had something planned, I wasn’t a complete idiot.

  After getting ready, I made myself comfortable on the couch and turned on the television. I opted for some old reruns of The Big Bang Theory while I waited for Bo to get home.

  Once I realized he was late, I kept checking the clock over and over. He was never late. At the rate he was going Benjamin would beat him home.

  I laughed at Sheldon on the television and it helped to keep my mind somewhat occupied, but after the second full episode I got worried. Reaching for my cell phone that was on the coffee table, I dialed his number. That’s when I heard the truck pull in the drive. All this time he was preparing me for dinner, and his ass was late.

  At least he was home.

  The front door opened and Bo walked in carrying flowers and an enormous set of balloons. “Surprise!”

  My eyes opened wide at the sight of him, and my mouth hung open. I wasn’t quite sure what the surprise was, so I stood there speechless.

  “Happy Birthday, Beautiful.” He said as he handed me the bouquet of wild flowers. They were beautiful, and I could smell them while they lay across my arm.

  “Thank you,” I hesitated. “It’s not my birthday.”

  “I know. But we’re celebrating early.”

  “We are?” I questioned.

  Following behind Bo, was a whole slew of men. Benjamin was carrying a cake, and he paused to kiss my cheek. The rest of the guys waved as they carried arms full of presents inside the house. I recognized none of them. And from the looks of them you’d think it was a super bowl party.

  Then I smelled chicken.

  My mouth was watering, but I was glued to the spot where I was standing with my mouth still hanging wide open. Surprisingly, I wasn’t drooling. All these guys came over for my birthday party. Was I the only person who thought it was weird?

  “Come on,” Bo said as he wrapped his arms around my waist.

  I let him lead me through the kitchen and out the back door. The picnic table was covered with presents and party favors while all the men had already popped the tops on their beers.

  “Happy Birthday, sweet girl.” Benjamin hugged me. “I want to introduce you to everybody.”

  Oh Lord. I’d never remember the names of all these guys. There had to be at least twenty of them.

  Benjamin placed two fingers to his lips and whistled really loud. Everyone stopped what they were doing to give him their attention. “Guys,” he smiled. “This is Tori. Tori, these are the guys.”

  Now that I could handle…

  I offered them a small wave and after a few cat calls and whistles they all waved back.

  “Who are all these people?” I whispered to Bo as I rested my back against his front.

  “They work with Dad. He told them his little girl was turning twenty-one, and that he wanted everyone to come. They’ve all been friends for years.”

  His little girl –sighs. “They just dropped everything to be here for someone they don’t even know.”

  He leaned his head around to give me a funny look. “Dad is like family to them. Of course they’d be here.”

  “Well that has to be the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard.” It didn’t matter how sick I might start to feel, I was going to stick out this party until the very end. “I’ll take a beer and a piece of chicken.”

  Bo laughed like I hadn’t heard him laugh in a long time. “Coming right up.”

  A few of the guys came up to me to introduce themselves. They offered hugs instead of handshakes. I never once felt uncomfortable or out of place. It was actually the complete opposite. I’d never felt more at home.

  I sat down at the picnic table and finished off my chicken, while the guys played several rounds of corn hole. It was the most entertaining thing I’d watched in a long time. Ben was having the time of his life. You couldn’t wipe that smile off his face even if you wanted to. He’d look over at me occasionally and offer me a worried look, but I’d smile and wave him off. It didn’t matter that this party was for me. Seeing him having so much fun was the best present ever.

  The beer tasted like the nastiest thing I’d ever put in my mouth. I could barely sip it, and it grew hotter by the minute. These guys were throwing them back like they were water, and I was trying not to gag at the taste.

  I shuddered just thinking about it.

  “You should open your presents,” Bo insisted.

  There had to be at least ten of them on the table. It occurred to me that this would be the last birthday that I’d ever have, and I know that Ben and Bo were thinking the same thing by the looks on their faces. If the roles had been reversed and I weren’t the one dying, I’d wonder what in the hell you buy someone who is.

  Everyone gathered around the table as Bo passed me the first present. He made sure to tell me that it was from him, and he wrapped it himself. Over the past weeks I’d learned how to read his facial expressions a lot better. Today it was pure bliss. His eyes lit up like a kid in a candy store.

  I quickly demolished the wrapping paper and opened the present. It was a yellow FujiFilm camera with three packs of film. It was one of those cameras that shoot the photos out instantly so you didn’t have to wait for your pictures to develop. How freaking perfect was that? Time wasn’t something I had, and I wanted as many memories in my brain as I could fit.

  “It’s perfect.” I smiled at him. “Thank you,” I whispered.

  He mouthed the words “You’re welcome” back to me.

  “Here, open mine,” Ben s
aid. He passed me a pink bag that was overflowing with tissue paper.

  I threw the paper out quickly and reached down inside the bag. It was a box. Taking a peek inside the bag, I smiled as I lifted the box out. It was pink with a picture of Aurora from Sleeping Beauty on the top. I knew instantly what it was. I remember having one similar to it when I was little. Tears filled my eyes as I brushed my fingers over it. When I looked over my shoulder at Ben, his eyes were filled with tears too. He leaned down over my shoulder and whispered to me lightly. “You’ll always be my sleeping beauty.”

  I let the tears fall, not caring who was watching. I’m almost positive I heard sniffles from around the table. A bunch of grown men crying made me worse. I turned the dial underneath the box and opened the lid and let the music fill the air. Once the song was over I shut the lid a hollered “Beer Time!”

  There were cheers and roars that could be heard from three houses down. I needed the distraction. I just wanted a moment of peace so that I could pull myself back together. I couldn’t even open the rest of my gifts, and I don’t think a single person minded. Bo sat down next to me on the wooden bench and held my hand. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve such good people in my life, but I was blessed to have them.

  As the night continued on, I managed to finish two whole beers. I don’t know how I did it. It was torturous. I also managed to snap fifteen photos with my new camera, and I’m positive that I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. The guys were a blast. They managed to make me forget about the miserable crap in my life for a while. Which was something I desperately needed.

  At around eleven o’clock, I was too exhausted to even talk. My body was worn out and my mind was jumbled. The day was amazing, but I’d had about all I could take. I thought that I could hang with the guys, and stay up as long as they could but I was wrong. After saying goodnight to Ben and the guys, I made my way down the hall to Bo’s room. I decided it was best to sleep with him because sometimes I woke up in pain, or so sick that I couldn’t make it to the bathroom quick enough. Being next to him meant that I was taken care of.

  I was halfway undressed when his bedroom door opened. “Need help?” He asked. Truthfully I did. Dressing me and undressing me was practically a routine to him. On bad days I could barely lift my arms above my head. He never saw under my bra and underwear, but even if he did I was usually too out of it to notice.

  He helped slip my blue jeans off and gave me one of his old tees to sleep in. He started the Mockingjay part two DVD, just like he did every night before helping me into bed. Surely he was tired of seeing the movie, but not me. I fell asleep to it almost every night.

  I tucked the covers up close around my neck and told Bo how much I loved him, and thanked him for such a wonderful day. It was the most special birthday party I’d ever had. All the guys treated me like I was part of the family, and never mentioned me being sick. I was sure Benjamin had told them, otherwise the big babies wouldn’t have cried during present time. Oh well, I didn’t care who knew anymore.

  “You don’t know what this day meant to me,” I mumbled. My eyes were closed and I was drifting off to sleep.

  “I think I do.” I felt his warm, soft lips on my cheek and that was the last thing I remembered about my pretend birthday.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Ran away

  Two weeks had passed since my birthday party. Bo said it was getting colder outside as fall had fully begun. I wasn’t out of the bed much these days, only to take a bath and use the restroom; which I was doing a lot less frequently. I finally gave in on hiring the nurse when getting up and down became too hard for me to do on my own. The lady who sits with me is Barbara and she seems nice. She’s quite a bit older, but has no issues helping me do the things I need to do.

  Out of the two weeks that I’ve been in bed, I’ve had one good day. They seem hard to come by. I take my pain medication about four times a day, and some days I feel like I need it more. Luckily they make me sleepy, or else I wouldn’t be able to handle the pain at all.

  Bo and Benjamin take turns sitting with me in the evenings although I mostly sleep the whole time. I wish they didn’t have to care for me so diligently, but I can’t bear the thought of being alone. It’s not easy just lying in a bed wasting away.

  Sometimes I wake up and my brain is so jumbled up that I can’t understand anything. Those times all I want to do is go back to sleep.

  Lately, Benjamin has been sitting with me more often, instead of Bo. I had a feeling that Bo was having a hard time seeing me in such a state, but he was the one that I wanted in the room while I slept. Selfish I know, but he made me feel safe. He was the rope that was tied around my humanity, and with him absent I felt like I had nothing to hold onto. I had no sanity left, and I cared little about my day-to-day life. I needed him.

  Selfish or not, I needed him.

  ***

  Sometime that evening I woke up to the sound of Benjamin’s voice. He was reading to me. Thankfully, I was fully aware of what was going on around me. He sat in a kitchen chair next to my bed holding a Harry Potter book. I smiled as I watched him engrossed as he turned to the next page. Those books had a way of sucking you in, and it was obviously his first time reading them. I listened for a few minutes as he stumbled with the words. His head shook back and forth when he understood what was going on. He had no idea that I was awake, and I took advantage by hanging on to his every word.

  Looking over the back of the book, he caught me. My eyes were open and staring back into his. His smile lit up his whole face.

  “This Harry fellow sure knows how to cause a ruckus.”

  I laughed, but only for a second.

  “Where’s Bo?” I asked.

  His face dropped and he looked at me with sad eyes. I knew those eyes well. Bo had the same look in his recently.

  “I’m not sure. He said he was going to take a walk,” Benjamin replied. “He’s having a hard time dealing you know? It seems like there is a part of him that’s dying with you. I know that’s hard to hear, but I swear that’s what it seems like.” He rested his hand on top of mine. “Every day that he sees you getting worse, he gets worse too. I’ve never seen him this upset before. I don’t want you to think that it’s your fault. He just can’t help it. He’s never had to deal with death before; especially not in someone he loves so much.”

  “I need him,” I cried. “I don’t want him to be away from me, because I’m not strong enough to do this on my own. I know that makes me selfish, but I don’t care. He can grieve for me when I’m gone. I’m still alive.”

  “I know honey. I know. Maybe if you talked to him. You’re in such good sprits today. He needs to see you like this. It would be good for him.”

  I trusted Benjamin’s judgment. If anyone knew Bo, it was Benjamin. “Would you take me to him?” I asked.

  “You sure you’re up for getting out?”

  “No, but chances are Bo is sitting on our park bench and I’d like to see it one last time with him. Feeling bad or not, I need to get up.”

  He helped me get up from the bed and helped to settle me after I started to feel dizzy. My legs were weak and shaky since I hadn’t stood on them for a while. Glancing towards the window I noticed that the sun was setting and that it’d be dark before too long. I only had about an hour before the birds would disappear into the night sky, and I wanted to see them once more too.

  “If you’ll walk me to the bathroom to pee then I’ll wash my face. I just need you to help me slip on my shoes, and maybe find me a jacket. I’m already cold, and I imagine the night air will be freezing.” I explained.

  “Sure thing kiddo,” he said. We made it to the bathroom and he helped me inside. He left the door open as he walked away just like the nurse had said. He wanted to be sure that he could hear me if I called for him.

  It took several minutes for me to use the bathroom just as it always did. My bladder didn’t work well anymore, and sometimes I’d have to force myself to go. Once m
y jogging pants were pulled back up around my waist I called for him. Benjamin came rushing in to help me.

  “I just need a wet rag.” I smiled half-heartedly.

  He pulled a cloth from the bathroom closet and wet it down for me. “Let me,” he said as he wiped the warm rag slowly across my face. I closed my eyes and reveled in the heat of it. I always felt so cold that the warmth sent chills down my body. “All clean. I never had daughters, and I have to admit that I’m not sure I could handle them.”

  I brought my hand up to his and held it. “You would’ve done great. Look how good I turned out.”

  His laughter filled the small bathroom. “Come on.”

  In the living room, he helped me slip on my tennis shoes and even tied them for me. He was grateful to have a son, but he would’ve been a great Dad for a daughter. There was so much compassion and love inside him. I hoped that someone somewhere would get to see that amazing part of him someday. I’m so thankful that Mom and I both got to know that part of him.

  Linking my arm with his, I let him lead the way to the car. My legs trembled as we took the stairs to the porch extra slowly. I felt like a feeble old woman whose bones were as brittle as chalk. There could be no sudden movements or I’d tumble right to the ground.

  It was like an act of Congress trying to get me into the car, but we did it. Once I was inside I said, “Fuck that seatbelt.” He thought that was funny. My breathing was already so hard that I could barely catch it, and I wasn’t about to fight with the damn seatbelt. We all knew who’d win that fight.

  “This was a bad idea,” I said through stifled breaths.

  He turned to face me. “You want to go back in?”

  “Hell no!” I scoffed, and rolled my head towards the window.

  I’d made it this far. There was no way I was turning back now. It was guaranteed that I’d never see that bench again, and that I’d never see those birds either. My days were numbered and I could feel the end drawing closer and closer.