I Can't Die Alone

by Regina Bartley

  I stared blankly out the window and watched the world pass me by. The comforting hum of the car nearly put me to sleep as my thoughts drifted towards my Mother. Despite all that we’d been through, I was glad that she died before me. She would have never been able to handle seeing me like this, and burying me in the ground. It’s not easy letting go of the ones you love, and I hoped that I could make Bo see that. I wanted him to know that he wasn’t alone. He still had his Dad, and his whole life ahead of him.

  I remember once when my Mom and I waited in line at the theatre to see Twilight for more than two hours. It seemed like forever to me. We stood there in the freezing cold to see vampires and werewolves. We’d both read the books and couldn’t wait to see the movie. She wasn’t sick then, and neither was I. The two of us didn’t have a care in the world other than whether or not we were Team Edward or Team Jacob. Vampires were always cooler to me. Looking back on that time, I think about how our only worry was whether or not we should get butter on our popcorn. These days I had worries big enough to stop a tornado, and I could give two shits about Bella Swan. But that day lives on in my memory, at least for the time being. It was the first time in a while that I’d thought about my Mother. I hoped that I’d get to see her again, so that I could hug her and tell her how much I love her.

  The car rolled to a stop just under a shade tree. The bench was just a few feet in the distance and I could see Bo sitting there all alone. His back was facing me, and his head was down.

  That bench was the first place we met, and the last place I’ll spend with him. At least while I’m in my right mind. I feel like I’m slipping away with every ticking minute of the day. It felt like I was a bomb just waiting for the right minute to explode into the sky. Benjamin opened his car door and came around to my side of the car. My door opened and instead of waiting for me to climb out, he wrapped his arms around me and lifted me up out of the seat. Once my feet were firmly on the ground he waited until I was steady before releasing his hold on me. Time and time again he’d proven to be there when I needed him. This journey that I’d set out on was the best thing that could’ve ever happened to me. I found love, and friendship, and kindness, and someone to be with me so that I didn’t have to die alone. They were incredible, and I was so glad that the two of them had each other.

  Slipping an arm through his, we walked slowly through the patch of grass and onto the sidewalk. My feet shuffled against the concrete as we made our way over to the bench. I could hear Bo’s sniffles as we approached and wished so badly that I could run into his arms. He looked up at me with a tear-streaked face, and I nearly crumbled to the ground at the sight of him. He was helpless, sad, and scared.

  He stood up and wrapped his arms around my frail body and the two of us cried together.

  “Can we sit together on our bench one last time?” I asked.

  “I’d love that.” He wiped his face and the two of us sat down next to each other.

  He held me close to his side, and I couldn’t think of anywhere else that I’d rather have been.

  Chapter Twenty

  Make me a bird

  “The birds,” I sighed. “It’s my favorite part of being in this park. I’m not a believer in reincarnation, but if I was I’d want to be a bird.”

  “Really?”

  “Really,” I admitted. “They have freedom to roam, and freedom to fly, and they’re so beautiful. That part in Forest Gump where Jenny is a child and she asks God to make her a bird so she could fly far away, that’s me. I want to be a bird. I want to stretch out my wings and soar through the air. It must be the most magnificent feeling in the world.”

  There was a silence as the darkness filled the sky. The cool air was easy to breathe, and the wind on my cheeks was a nice feeling. I’d been cooped up in that house for so long that I’d forgotten what it felt like. The rattling sound of my lungs was the only thing I could hear as we sat there under the quiet night sky.

  “I know you’re here because you’re scared. I know that you don’t want to watch me die. It’s a hard thing to do. I remember it well with my Mother. But I need you to be strong while I can’t.” I struggled to catch my breath. I wasn’t going to be able to talk much more so I needed to get things off my chest. “You are my strength. Seeing you every day is what makes things easier for me, and I hate that you can’t stand to be around me. I’m not dead yet, so I don’t want you to act like I am. I need you by my side through the good times and bad. Please,” I begged.

  He rubbed my head as it lay against him. “I’m sorry. I know you’re not dead, but watching you die,” he hesitated. “I don’t know how to do that. I’m afraid that the only memories I’ll have of you will be of you dying.”

  “They don’t have to be. I was the only person there when my Mom passed, and yes I remember the bad days and the ending, but I also remember the good times. She didn’t die alone, and I don’t want to die alone either.” I sucked in a breath. My heart was beating at full speed inside my chest.

  “You won’t. Okay? I’ll do better. I won’t let you die alone.”

  I closed my eyes and let his words sink in. Maybe I wouldn’t remember what he said come tomorrow, but as long as I could see his face next to me that was all I’d need.

  “Let’s go home.” He said.

  ***

  Later that evening before I drifted off to sleep, I asked for Bo and Benjamin to both sit with me. I was afraid that it would be my last good day, and I wanted to be able to tell them both goodbyes while I was in my right state of mind.

  Taking their hands in mine I said. “I love you both very much. More than either of you will ever know.” I sniffled. “The end is coming. I can feel it in my heart.” Tears streamed down their cheeks and it tore me up inside. “Thank you for being so good to me. Thank you for being my family. I’m saying goodbye to you now because tomorrow is not guaranteed. Benjamin,” I said with a shaky breath. “You’ve been like a Dad to me. I love you so much, and I can’t wait to tell Mom all about you. Thank you so much for letting me into your home while I was a stranger. You showed me such compassion, and I have some of the best memories with you. They are all in here.” I pointed to my heart. “I love you.”

  “I love you too baby girl. I love you too.” He bent down and kissed my cheek. His warm tears fell onto my cheek just before he turned and left the room.

  “Bo,” I squeezed his hand. He could barely catch his breath. The tears were big as they fell from his eyes. “I love you so much. You were my first love, my first kiss, and the first one to steal my heart. I want you to have the best life you can possibly have. I want you to have a family, but not with Megan.” I smiled, and he laughed. “Just kidding. I can’t thank you enough for making my time on this earth the best that it could be. This is my goodbye, but know that I will love you for eternity and one day I’ll see you again.”

  “God,” he cried. He bent down and lightly kissed my lips. “I love you so much. I wrote you a letter, and I guess now is the best time to read it.”

  I nodded. He wrote me a letter. It was a very Bo thing of him to do. He reached into his wallet and pulled out a folded piece of paper. Seeing the words scribbled on the page touched my heart.

  He read it aloud.

  Dear Tori,

  Usually words come easy to me. Usually I can say what’s on my mind. This time, it’s different. These past couple of months has been the best of my life. You stumbled into my life and onto my park bench when I needed you the most. I didn’t realize that my life was so incomplete until the day I met you. Even though I know how this journey ends, I can tell you that I’d do it over again a million times. I’ve grown to love you, and you’ve stolen my heart time and time again. I cherish our memories and the times that you’ve made me laugh. I won’t ever forget them.

  It will be the hardest thing that I’ve ever faced watching you die, but I’ll be a stronger man because of it. You light up a room even in the darkness, and your light will live on forever. That park be
nch where I met you will always be ours, and I promise to visit it often, and I’ll think of you every single time I’m there. I hope that you see your Mom again and that she keeps you company until I find my way to you.

  Your life may be ending, but our love isn’t. I give my heart and soul to you on this day. Keep it safe always, and wait for me. You’re my life, my love, my girlfriend, my wife, my everything. I love you forever sweetheart. Rest easy.

  All my love,

  Bo

  Oh…

  I couldn’t catch my breath. I couldn’t see through the tears. They were the most beautiful words. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t die. It was too hard leaving him. I didn’t want to say goodbye.

  “Why,” I cried out. “I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want to die. Please, Bo.”

  He crawled into the bed next to me and held me close. He lightly rocked me and told me that everything was going to be okay.

  “Don’t be scared. You get to see your Mom. And I promise that I’ll see you again.” He spoke softly. “Don’t be scared.”

  I let my breathing level out, as he whispered over and over how much he loved me.

  “You’re going to be okay, and so am I,” he said. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  I fell asleep in Bo’s arms.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  The end (Told in Bo’s Point of view)

  She never woke up again after she fell asleep that night in my arms. My Dad called Hospice in after we realized that she wasn’t going to wake back up. They sat with her for the next three days making sure that she stayed comfortable and that she wasn’t in pain. They assured me there would be no pain.

  She passed away on a Monday night, two weeks before her twenty-first birthday. She was still asleep when her heart quit beating. I stayed by her side until her last breath, but the moment it was all over I couldn’t watch. I didn’t see her again until she was lying in the casket.

  We had her body taken back to her hometown, and followed her instructions and her last wishes. She would have been happy with the way things turned out. We had a small burial, and my Dad’s friends from work all showed up to give their support and love. It was quite the turnout, and she would’ve been shocked if she could have seen it. They buried her right next to her mother, which was exactly what she wanted.

  It was a hard few days, but we made it through. If it weren’t for my Dad, then I don’t know how I would’ve done it. He was strong for me. He was my rock. We grieved together and talked about her a lot. It truly helped.

  After she was gone, Dad gave me a letter that she had written to me. He said that she didn’t want me to have it until after she was buried. It remained folded up in my wallet. I hadn’t read it yet, because I was waiting for the right time.

  If there ever was one.

  Before we traveled back home, we decided to go see her apartment. I thought maybe there would be something inside that I could keep that would remind me of her. Not that I’d ever forget. I just wanted to be sure that nothing important would be thrown away. I also promised that I’d check on her cat, and let them know what happened.

  Walking down the long, dark hallway, I thought about her being there. I could almost feel her presence. I put the key in the door and opened it. Dad followed me inside and closed the door behind us. The place was spotless. It looked brand new inside. Nothing was out of place. It wasn’t what I was expecting although I could smell her scent everywhere.

  “It’s so empty,” my Dad said. “If it weren’t for the furniture, you’d think no one lived here.”

  I replied, “I was thinking the same thing. Doesn’t seem like her at all. I’m going to check the bedroom.”

  The bed was made up, and the dresser had a couple of bottles of perfume sitting on top of it. Nothing was hanging on the bare, white walls. I leaped over the foot railing of the bed, diving onto the perfectly made covers. I ruffled them up real good before burying my head into her pillow. It smelled just like her, and I knew I had to take it with me. On the nightstand next to the bed was a framed photo. It was Tori and her Mom. I scooped it up along with the pillow and left her bed a mess. She was probably cursing me for it, or maybe she was laughing. I grabbed a bottle of her perfume off the dresser, and I noticed a little box sitting on the edge. When I opened it, there was a pair of earrings with little birds on them. My eyes watered at the sight of them. They were small and perfect just like her. I knew that they’d be the perfect reminder. It was all I needed.

  I walked back into the living room and sat down on the couch next to my Dad. “Here,” I said, handing him the picture I’d found in Tori’s room. “I’m sure she’d want you to have that.”

  He ran his fingers over the glass and shook his head. “Gone too soon.”

  “Yeah,” I sighed.

  “Did she tell you how much money she had?” Dad asked me.

  “No.”

  “My bank account balance this morning had over two hundred thousand dollars in it.”

  “Are you kidding me?”

  He laughed. “I’m not. She gave me all that cash to take care of the funeral expenses, and she asked for my account numbers to do a transfer a while back. I didn’t want to take the money, and I tried to argue with her but she wouldn’t listen. I have no idea when the transfer took place. I’ll call the bank when I get back home.”

  “I can’t believe she did that.”

  “Me either, Son. She was such a sweet girl. It seems hard to take the money, knowing that it was hers.”

  “I know. But she’d argue until you were blue in the face so it’s best to take it and shut up.”

  Dad laughed. “I know. Come on. Let’s get out of here and go home.”

  I nodded in agreement. “I have to stop at the neighbors’ real quick and check on her cat. I think she said his name was Duncan.”

  We walked back down the hall to the neighbor’s door, and I knocked. A little girl answered.

  “Hi,” she said in a sweet little voice.

  “Hello, is your Mom home?” I questioned. Who let a little girl answer the door?

  “Mom!” She yelled. I looked over my shoulder at my Dad and rolled my eyes. This little girl was a bundle of joy.

  “Can I help you?” A dark haired lady asked when she stepped up to the doorway.

  “Uh, yeah. We’re friends of Tori,” I pointed down the hall. “She passed away last week and I promised her I’d check on her cat.”

  The lady turned around and walked away from the door. I stood there a bit puzzled wondering if maybe she was upset or if she didn’t want to talk to us anymore. The little girl stood there holding open the door. A few moments later the lady came back to the door carrying a fat cat.

  “Here,” she said handing the cat over. “Take the little shit head. The damn thing tore up my couch.”

  “But Mom,” the little girl whined just before the lady slammed the door shut in my face.

  I stood there kind of dumbfounded at what had happened. The cat meowed in my arms, and Dad busted out laughing from behind me. It was an I-can’t-catch-my-breath kind of laughter.

  “This isn’t funny.” I groaned. “What am I going to do with a cat?”

  He ruffled my hair. “You’re going to take care of him, Papa.” He smiled.

  I grumbled under my breath, but he was right. This was Tori’s cat and I’d take care of him as if he were my own. And I guess now he was mine.

  Me.

  The non-cat person…

  “Damn woman,” I grumbled into the air. “Come on Duncan. Let’s go home.”

  Epilogue

  Park bench

  Six Months Later

  Duncan and I had developed a mutual relationship. We had our daily routine, and he slept on Tori’s pillow in the bed next to me every night. At first I hated it. He was always getting too close in my personal space, but I guess I grew to love the little fellow. I even talked to him, like he was a kid or something. He came with me to “our�
� park bench nearly every day, and he sat in my lap while we watched the birds. Every time we were there he’d hiss at the dogs, and he always made me smile. He was the little piece of Tori that reminded me of her every single day. We were fast friends, and my hatred of cats diminished.

  It had been six months to the day that I’d buried her, and my heart seemed to be healing a little more each day. I still missed her like crazy, and it still hurt, but I was getting by. I kept all of our photographs hanging on the wall of the spare bedroom. I started sleeping in there immediately because I had such a hard time being in the bed where she died. If that meant I was weak, then so be it. She told me once to remember the good times and not the bad, so that’s what I tried to do. That bed was bad times, and I couldn’t force myself to lay in it ever again.

  I had already decided this morning that when I went to the park bench today, I’d read the letter that Tori wrote to me. It was still folded and untouched in my wallet, and I felt like I was ready to read it. Maybe not completely ready, but I was going to try to be.

  I sat Duncan next to me in Tori’s spot on the bench and pulled out my leather wallet.

  I could do this.

  Unfolding the papers, I silently read the letter to myself.

  Dear Bo,

  What an incredible journey I’ve been on these last couple of months. No one would ever believe me if I tried to tell the story over again. It’s special to me, though.

  If you’re reading this, then I’m gone now. I’ve gone to be with my Mom. I miss her a lot, and can’t wait to see her. I wrote this letter to you the night after my surprise birthday party. Which was so much fun, and I can’t thank you enough for it. The reason I’m writing to you is because I’m afraid that I won’t get to tell you all the things that I wanted you to hear before I’m gone. The days are getting harder, and even now, writing this letter is hard for me to do. I can barely hold the pen steady, so it looks like a kindergartner wrote this. Hope you don’t mind.