The Legend of Dan

by Robert Wingfield

  “Ideas?”

  “Is my abdomen still intact?”

  “I’ll check.”

  Tom hunted about and found her lower body over at the other side of the room. It still felt soft and warm, but he could see the circuitry through the smashed pelvis.

  “You’re a robot, then?”

  “A gynoid!” said the head, haughtily. “There is a world of difference.”

  “Still a bloody robot.”

  “A robot that can get you to safety,” said Kara. “Be nice to me.”

  “I’ll try. So, what’s your plan?”

  “In a pocket of my dress,” said the head, trying to see what Tom was doing with her body parts, “you will find a homing device.”

  Tom rummaged, and extracted a flattened rose.

  “That’s it, now put it on the floor, press the button on my belt, and stand back for Phoist’s sake.”

  “Like this? Waaaa.”

  Kara’s time cylinder materialised on top of the flower, punching a hole in the filthy ceiling to make space for itself.

  “Collect as much of my body as you can, and get inside. Be quick. I can hear people approaching.”

  The Kara head and abdomen, and a pile of junk on the floor were swept up, and carried into the machine. Tom helped Tanda to drag Vac through the hatch.

  “I’ll do the door,” said Tom. The hatch closed behind them. “How do we get this thing moving?”

  “Hit that control over there. The emergency relocation systems will take us somewhere safe.”

  “What, the big red button? I’ve always wanted to try that.”

  “No, that is ‘self-destruct’. I mean the little green one, underneath it.”

  Tom drew his hand away, worriedly. “Right. I knew that.” The cylinder dematerialised, moments before hotel security lobbed a micro-nuclear bomb around the door, to finish them off. The contents of the room melted, and sprayed about, leaving a pleasing glass effect on all surfaces.

  In the bedroom, the occupants of the cylinder were relaxing after a wash and changes of clothes. Suzanne was singing quietly in the shower.

  “So you were an android all the time?” said Tom to the Kara head. Vac sat weakly beside him, with her lower half on his knee, running his hand up and down the thigh. She could not see what he was doing.

  “Perfect in every detail,” said the head.

  “Every detail?” Vac checked. “Perfect,” he said with a broad grin. “Can I keep this bit… as a souvenir, you understand?”

  Kara snorted. “Certainly not. If you wouldn’t mind putting what’s left of my body into that unit over there, I’ll be back with you as soon as the regeneration systems can rebuild me. Also Vac, if you shut yourself in, afterwards, we can fit you up with a new arm, better than the original.”

  “That would be useful. Another arm would come in handy.”

  “Make sure you programme it to be fitted to the correct side.”

  Kara was shovelled into the cubicle she had indicated, and Vac lay in another alcove to wait for it to be ready. Tanda had a shot of Alchy-Salsa Inter-neural Debilitation24.

  “Poor thing.” Suzanne rubbed her hair with a small towel as she descended to the control room, where Tom was trying to remember how to work the cylinder. “The excitement finally caught up with her. Ladies’ loo indeed. Do you know, that was the first place the Cons looked for us? Then they monitored the call you made and traced it to your room. They were going to kill you, you know.”

  Tom nodded. “Dodgy bunch of drongos...”

  “And they had something even more awful planned for us…” She hung the towel to dry on the control panel, a faint frown on her face. “Would you believe it, all this technology, and there isn’t a bloody hair dryer on this tub.”

  Tom stood back, and surveyed the girl with appreciation. She had less of her starved look, after the shower. He smiled. “Actually, you don’t look too bad, considering.”

  “They did feed me on the shuttle. These junk hamburgers really put the weight on.” She leaned against him and planted a long kiss on his mouth.

  “Talking about something awful,” Tom started to unwrap the towel round the girl’s body, “I think we have something to finish that we started half a galaxy away... if you feel up to it, that is.”

  “I can feel down to it,” she said, slipping her hand into his trousers. Tom bent his head and playfully kissed a nipple. She giggled at him and he held her close as they drifted back up the gravity tube into the bedroom.

  Many parsecs away, deep in the bowels of the planet, Sirius 7, ancient machinery burst into life. A fleet of spacecraft started to take shape. On the surface, nothing moved. All was grey and silent.

  A Glass of Wine and Thou

  Together in the Purpleness?

  M

  any hours later, Suzanne stretched and yawned. “Feel much better now,” she said, detaching herself from Tom’s embrace.

  Tom grunted, but showed little sign of waking up, so she slipped off the bed and rummaged around in the cupboards. “These are what I need,” she muttered to herself, as she discovered some ‘long-life’ packets of food, and a small bag containing make-up. She went back into the shower room, and not long afterwards, emerged, fresh and presentable.

  She woke Tom by waving a piece of bacon substitute under his nose, and bouncing on his chest. He groaned, rubbed his eyes and peered more closely at the naked girl straddling his body.

  “Wow! You look a lot more human now,” he said, meaning it as a compliment.

  “And with a few hundred more legs, you could look a lot more quadrillipodian,” she retorted, annoyed.

  “Very funny. Have the others woken up yet?”

  “The systems seem to have given up on Kara. Vac has been in the cubicle, and looked as good as new, with his repaired arm. I heard thumps and giggles from inside one of the wardrobes, so I guess Vac and Tanda are all right.”

  “Food then, and what else?” He smiled and his hand stroked her leg. “I’ve no idea what to do next, but I don’t want to sit around doing nothing.”

  “How about going for a picnic?” She planted a kiss on his forehead, stood upright and stretched.

  “Can we trust the others to not leave us here?”

  “You’ve seen the Skagans. Do you think they could fly this ship by themselves?”

  “I guess not, considering their description of the controls of their own... and they had trouble with those.”

  “Then we deserve the break,” she said. “Somewhere the Consortium will never think of looking.”

  “Not the ladies’ loo again?”

  Suzanne sighed. “That was not one of Kara’s best ideas, and she paid for it, rather permanently.”

  “And sadly. I guess I miss her a bit.”

  “I can guess which bit.”

  “Stop it. Nothing happened between us.”

  “Only pulling your appendage,” she said.

  “I said, stop it. Anyway, where’s the best place to go?”

  “One place they’ll never think of looking for us.”

  “Where? I thought the Consortium could find us anywhere.”

  “Back to the hotel. If we time it to coincide with immediately after they’ve given up looking for us...”

  “Will it fool them?” Tom looked doubtful.

  “Of course it will.”

  “Really?”

  “I’ve no idea.”

  “Won’t they recognise me, or you?”

  “Shave, different clothes, and I’ll trim your hair. You’ll be a new man. They won’t know me at all. I’m changed now I’ve had something to eat. We recover quickly, my people. That’s why we stay young, as long as we have enough to eat.”

  “I’m not sure I’ve had enough yet,” said Tom. “Come here.”

  He took the girl gently by the hand, and pulled her back down on to the bed. She did not resist.

  * * *

  Tom
emerged from the shower, freshly depilated, and drifted down to find Suzanne in the control room. “Do you really know how this cylinder thing works?”

  “According to the manual, it’s simple. What could go wrong?”

  “Oh dear.”

  “Pass me the direction unit.”

  He dubiously handed the headphones over.

  “Do you want to stay here and stare at the walls until you go mad?” she said.

  “I suppose not, and the Skagans have taken the bed. I’m not sure I want to engage in their mating rituals. It’s very messy up there.”

  “I don’t think we would survive them. Anyway, we’ve landed.”

  “Sure? I didn’t feel anything.”

  “You’ve a proper pilot in charge now. I suspect Kara was still feeling her way with this machine. I wonder how long she’s had it.”

  “That’s encouraging. No wonder I felt nervous with her in charge. Anyway, is it safe out there?”

  “One way to find out.” She opened the hatch, and cool fresh air drifted into the room.

  Tom leaned on the frame and looked around. “Looks okay. I think the hotel is over there.” He stepped out. “Sorry about the flowers,” he said to an irate gardener.

  “I’ve been had enough,” said the man. “First those drongos do be from the Consortium, flattening me tofu beds, and now that they be left, you lot with your big silver pillbox, clobbering down me roses. I’ll be calling the security to do sorting you out.”

  “Please, we only want to park here for a while. Can I interest you in this delightful little glass figurine of a lady doing something with a vacuum cleaner... I think?”

  “Aye, try to be fob me off... oh, that do be a nice little piece.” The man slavered.

  “It should be worth enough to compensate you. And we’ll be off again after a short break. Can I rely on your discretion?”

  The gardener wiped his mouth his sleeve. It didn’t help. “For that, are be you can rely on the entire staff,” he said. “I’ll do planting some mega-brambles around to are conceal it from do prying eyes.”

  “How’s the hotel? I hear they had some trouble recently.”

  “They are be patching it up. There always be teams of unemployed woodcutters are available. Should do be ready for the next shuttle, once they’ve are finished the repairs. One room damaged beyond repair, so they are be turning it into a wet room, cum sauna.”

  “Ugh, sounds awful.”

  Suzanne joined them. “Come on. I’m not sitting in this can any longer. We can’t do anything for them, and there’s only so much time even a Skagan can spend in bed.” She winked.

  Tom smiled back. “Okay then, I am replete for the moment. What about leaving a message for the others? You know, let them know where we’ve gone?”

  “Good idea. Come and help.”

  Back in the cylinder, Suzanne eased into the pilot’s seat.

  A screen lit up, and Kara’s face appeared. “Hello, this is Kara-Tay, or rather it isn’t, because I’m dissolving at the moment. If you would like to leave your name, number, and bank account details, then I will get back to you as soon as I am reconstituted. Please speak after the tone.”

  A deafening whistle resonated around the cylinder for a moment, and then Suzanne recorded her message.

  “We’re going out exploring in Na-Drogda. We’ll be back before you lot can be bothered to wake up, but if we are, you can ignore this.”

  “If not, we’re probably in trouble,” put in Tom, “so please come and rescue us. The Magus will know where I am, if you can find him, that is... Anyway, don’t leave us behind, for Ford’s sake.”

  “Have you finished?” said the machine.

  “I think so,” said Tom. “Will you pass the message on for us?”

  “Of course, that’s what I’m here for. This is message... beep... ninety-one of... beep... three-hundred-and-twelve. Forty-thousand... beep... minutes recording time remaining. Thank you for your custom.”

  * * *

  It was a purple-cloudy sort of day as Tom and Suzanne left the cylinder. Already, brambles were growing over the machine, snagging Suzanne’s tights again. They checked in to the hotel with the bespectacled receptionist, and signed as ‘Mr and Mrs $mith’ (sic). The name was Tom’s idea, although he could not remember why.

  The woman peered over the counter at their absence of luggage, “What, no luggage?”

  “It was all stolen on the shuttle.”

  “A likely story! Buttons, two people having an illicit and possibly impromptu affair for the ‘David Fart’ suite.”

  Somewhat sulkily, the grimy child led the way along rebuilt corridors, to a room on the ground floor. Superfluously, he showed them round it. “This is the toilet,” he squeaked, pointing at an unscreened commode in the corner of the room, “and this is the view,” he indicated the purple haze obscuring the tennis courts, “and there is the bed.” It was in the middle, and took up most of the room. Tom had already banged his shins on it, as he squeezed past.

  “You have been very helpful, little fellow,” smiled Suzanne, and she pressed a thirteen Drog note into his hand. The child skipped off, singing, to buy one of the three remaining tennis balls for sale in the hotel shop.

  “Where did you get that money?” Tom watched her stuffing a wad of notes back into her bag.

  “Cash machine downstairs, and a numbered bank account I discovered on the multipurpose machine in the cylinder.” Suzanne grinned. “I helped myself.”

  “Won’t Kara be livid when she finds out?”

  “Hopefully, if she ever comes back to haunt us.”

  The sky faded to a deeper shade of purple, indicating that night might be on the way. Suzanne contacted Reception.

  “Would it be possible to have a meal served in our room?”

  “What?” The receptionist seemed horrified. “If you want to eat, it is hotel rules that you come and dip a lump of bread in the communal trough, like everyone else… I mean, who do you think you are, lording it over hard working and chronically underpaid public servants...?” The mutterings wandered into the realms of galactic economics, and were on the way to proving all the troubles in the galaxy could be pinned on the price of exotic lighting units, before Suzanne cut the link. She sighed her way back on to the bed. “I suppose we should forget about eating.”

  “Not to worry, I can think of something better to do.” Tom slipped his arm round her waist.

  The last item of clothing had slipped satisfactorily to the floor, when there was a knock at the door.

  “Are you expecting anyone?” Suzanne clamped her thighs and stopped Tom in mid-thrust.

  “What, who knows we’re here?”

  “Our crew, if they’ve heard the message.”

  “And the Consortium?”

  “They can’t be that smart? Have you brought your weapon?”

  “I got it.”

  “No, I meant the other one.”

  “That’s what I meant too.” Tom pulled up the covers and activated his COLT45. “Come in, whoever you are.”

  The door slowly creaked open to reveal a covered trolley, rolling forward by itself. His finger was tightening on the trigger when a squeaky voice said, “Don’t shoot, mister, I found some food in the kitchen for you; I hope you like it.” The grimy bellhop appeared from behind the trolley. Suzanne jumped out of bed, ignoring the boy’s shock at her naked body. He covered his face with his hands and moaned. She lifted the cloth on the top, to reveal a meagre but appetising meal, set for two. Still with his hand over his face, the boy lit a single candle in the centre of the spread. He looked mortified when Suzanne planted a kiss on his forehead, and dashed off, crashing the door shut behind him.

  “What a sweet little chap.” Some of the food was already on its way to Suzanne’s mouth.

  “I’m glad you have such a good appetite,” said Tom, trying to grab some of the rapidly disappearing supplies.

  “So
rry,” she said. “I’m still building myself back up. I think I’ve left something for you. I’ll slow down.”

  They sat on the bed, and ate in silence, Suzanne getting the lion’s share, because Tom had one hand resting on the inside of her thigh. There was even a bottle of the local wine. When the food was gone, they went to sit on the balcony to watch the sunset. Suzanne put the wine bottle on the table. “How do you open these things?” she said. “I’ve not come across anything without a button to press.”

  “It’s called a cork. Let me.” Tom started to ease the top out of the bottle. “No idea what the wine is, though: no label... not that I could read it if there was.”

  There was a loud explosion. The cork released, sang over the balcony, and then the tennis courts, and plunged into the desert beyond, dropping on to a small lizard, which was in the process of creeping up on a smaller lizard.25

  When poured, the wine was cheap and unpalatable, but they savoured it, anyway, and almost enjoyed watching the setting sun disappearing behind the distant mountain range as they finished the bottle.

  Only when darkness fell completely, and large dangerous-looking mosquitoes began to appear, did they go inside, close the window and get back into bed. Tom dispatched those insects that had got into the room, with a sock full of pebbles, and they eventually fell asleep again, bodies locked together.26

  * * *

  The edge of a cliff plunged to unfathomable depths. A few gnarled and stunted trees hung over it, their branches becoming blackened as they reached outward. A sentinel, apparently a Roman Centurion, sat on a horse nearby. He raised himself in the stirrups and shaded his eyes to peer into the golden haze beyond the edge. Behind him, a grassy plain stretched as far as the eye could see, and in the distance, a ruined citadel was pitch-black against the yellow sky.

  A deafening roar filled the air, and from the haze, a spacecraft of bizarrely alien design appeared, flying towards the sentinel at great speed. He raised his lance27, and immediately the ship began to decelerate. Before it reached the cliff, it had halted, hanging in the air, a short distance beyond the edge. A troop of riders galloped up from the direction of the citadel, and paused near the man on the horse. Simultaneously they raised golden swords towards the ship. It blew apart, and the shattered remains fell, and carried on falling, down and down, until…