The Legend of Dan

by Robert Wingfield

  “Woodworm,” said Kara. “We fell through. Get ready for a compensation claim.”

  “I’m sure we could come to some arrangement,” said the landlord, hurriedly. “What if I forget the bar tab?”

  “Sounds good, and we won’t charge you for this theme-disco we’ve put in. It’ll attract young people from all around.”

  “Oh, I see. By jingo, that’s marvellous. What are you, a band of roaming decorators?”

  “That’s right,” said Kara. “If you like it, it’s yours, compliments of Magus Constructions. Tell your friends.”

  “What, gratis? In that case, or barrel, I reckon you could have another free round. Do you know any good disk jockeys?”

  * * *

  “There we go then,” said Kara over her free pint of ‘Shitting Nellie’ (named after one of the more colourful characters in the village). “The Galaxy is saved, the Consortium is destroyed and the oppressed planets have been liberated—not a bad couple of days’ work. Lucky you came in when you did, Two-Dan. How did you find us?”

  “The owl,” said Tom, holding up the now ordinary-looking object.

  “And the hole in the floor,” said Suzanne.

  Tom unclipped the stars from the owl and slipped his into his pocket. He handed Suzanne’s over.

  “Well, well, well,” said the Magus, taking the owl from him, “my network centraliser. I wondered where that was. I must have left it here when I last visited. No, you keep it,” he refused Tom’s offer, “I’ve got a newer model now, and it’ll make someone a nice present. Talking about presents, I got you one, likewise.” He handed another bumper-sticker to Kara.

  She gave a sickly smile. “Encephalic Mind Travellers do it without Thinking,” she read. “How nice.”

  “Can I have a word, please?” Suzanne took Kara’s arm and propelled her off towards the ladies’ toilet.

  “Don’t know what that’s about,” said Tom, as he watched them go. “Have you got any plans for the future?”

  “Nothing much,” said the Magus. “I suppose I’ll go back to wandering the galaxy, looking for a planet where girls go crazy for small stocky men with a few magic tricks. You and Suzanne planning anywhere nice?”

  “I don’t think we’re going anywhere together at all.” Tom looked at the floor. “She seems to have gone off me. Some excuse about the Cyclic whatsit.”

  The Magus nodded sympathetically. “That’s women for you. Happens to me all the time.”

  “No it doesn’t. You haven’t found a girlfriend to be dumped by, yet.”

  “I expect it will,” said the Magus, wistfully.

  “Can you go back to your old planet?” Tom changed the subject.

  “I had a look. There’s not much there, now. It’s a bit messed up. The soldiers made the mistake of trying to colonise the southern hemisphere, and met the hexacats. Apparently, the creatures dribble a mind-altering drug, and the troopers are now doing nothing but watching soap operas, and staring at screens on small bits of plastic. There are nothing but bingo clubs and charity shops to go back to now. I’m poor again. All my wealth was tied up in that planet.”

  “Shame.”

  “It’s not too bad, really. I’m no worse off. In fact, I do have a better ship than I used to. At least I can get a good start on the next part of my life, in accordance with the Cyclic Imperative. Many people only manage one cycle, before they die of neglect.”

  “That sodding principle.” Tom exploded. “It seems to control a lot of things, most of them concerned with me having a miserable time.”

  “I thought everybody knew. It’s not always bad. It just is.”

  “I think I understand how it works, but really how does it apply to Suzanne and me? Why can’t we stay together, and forget all that?”

  “Do you want me to explain.”

  “Have we got time?”

  “I’m going to.”

  “Get on with it.”

  “Right I will.” The Magus continued. “Listen up. Complimentary to the ‘Cyclic Imperative’ is the ‘Principle of Inevitability’: all things that happen are predestined. They can be modified, but the effort required is enormous. For example it is easier to redirect a speeding train on to another line, than to stop it dead, sort of thing. Therefore, if there is a lesson to be learned from life, it is this: accept what happens graciously. Inevitability will take care of you. If it is inevitable that you step into a furnace, then do so without misgivings. Death after all is simply absence of life, and life is not so hot…”

  “Except in a furnace.”

  The Magus ignore the gibe. “Does that help?”

  Tom shook his head, and stared blankly into his beer, watching a peanut sinking and rising in the liquid.

  * * *

  The emptiness Tom felt when Suzanne had gone was absolute. He felt part of him had died, been ripped out, to leave only a hollow feeling. Kara’s precise, cold beauty was no solace. She seemed to have no sympathy for him. She bustled round the controls as normal, checking, testing the mind channels, and identifying possible sources of disharmony. Nothing seemed out of place. The galaxy had settled itself into a relaxed slumber. Tom sat moodily on his storage bin, wanting Kara’s company but at the same time, needing to be alone. The cylinder seemed empty now, without the fresh vivacity of his lost love.

  Suzanne had requested that they drop her on her home planet, this being the projected location she would have been at, had she not been whisked away into the cosmos. The Cyclic Imperative forced Tom to return to his projected location as well. This was where he had been picked up. They had argued long over their situation. She said she loved him, but the Imperative forced her away from living on Earth, and the comparative squalor it had to offer. For the same reason he could not stay with her. The only way they could be together without any risk, would be for him to get a ship in real time from Earth, and travel conventionally. As they were separated in Time, as well as Space, it would mean he would be over six thousand years old, before they could meet again. Even Tom admitted he might be a bit of a let-down in bed at that age.

  As they stood on Suzanne’s home world, she took his face in her hands. “Please don’t misunderstand me, Tom. I really have enjoyed some of the adventures, and being with you has brought me to life. I won’t love again, but our lives will be very short if we attempt to violate the Imperative.”

  “Look, bugger that. Don’t you want to be with me?”

  “Yes of course I do, but I can’t. And don’t forget you already have a wife at home. Can you really leave her?”

  Tom didn’t answer. He had known, in his heart, that he would lose Suzanne. Realising the same thing, she had begun to drift away from him, and he had responded by becoming more intense and possessive. This very act had forced the issue earlier than perhaps necessary, and Suzanne had asked to be taken home.

  She kissed him adieu, but on the cheek like a friend, nothing more. He tried to hold her, but she pulled away from his grasp, and ran away, up a leafy lane towards her family farm. With a lump in his throat, and tightness in his chest, he stared at her lithe form as it receded, and vanished forever from his life. He started to go after her, but never made it. Kara yanked him back into the cylinder, and immediately dematerialised. Tom did not know that, once she was out of sight, Suzanne had collapsed in tears in the grass, her iron resolve whittled to nothing, leaving only the tearful girl who had first met him.

  “It wouldn’t have worked,” said Kara. “Remove the translator, and everything she could say to you is a jumble of random nonsense.”

  “I could learn,” protested Tom.

  Kara laughed at his blank expression. “You’d be better off with a machine. Home is it, now? Back to Wifey?” Her taunting continued. Tom began to feel annoyed. After his experiences, he should have been strong. Why did he want to break down and cry like a child? But as Kara went on, he started to feel anger with the gynoid. Her words cut into his pain. He growled at her.
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  “Better off with a machine, huh? You’re a machine! Sitting there deliberately tantalising me with your short skirts, and perfect body. How dare you? You need a good sorting out!” He got off his bin and advanced on the gynoid. A look of surprise drove away her coolness. She darted a glance towards the weapon store. Tom saw it and moved to cut her off, as she made a dash for it. He caught her round the waist, and she spun round in his grip. Her nails lashed for his face. He pinned her arms to her sides. He had expected to be beaten off easily, her mechanical strength being far in excess of his, but he found that she was powerless in his grip. “Not so strong now?” he growled. “We’ll see who’s better off with a machine.”

  “Leave me alone—I need to recharge!” Kara kicked back at his shins as her feet were lifted from the floor. He felt the pain as the short boots contacted, but he forced her remorselessly into the gravity tube. She struggled, as they drifted upwards, but her head cracked on the divide between the floors, and she was momentarily stunned. By the time she recovered, she found both her arms tied by a single rope running under the bed. Tom was clumsily securing another piece to one ankle.

  “You bastard,” she spat. He dodged a kick from her other foot and whipped the rope round the lower half of the bed, trapping the leg as it flailed about. He pulled the slipknot tight and then stood and waited until she lay still, scowling at him. Her image on the mirror above the bed stared down at her, hair dishevelled, arms and legs spread out, invitingly it seemed, her skirt riding high on her thigh. A fastener had come away from the top of her blouse and she coloured as she realised part of a breast was on show.

  “How does it feel to be out of control for once?”

  “What are you going to do?” The android actually looked worried.

  “I would have thought that was obvious.” His hand reached out.

  “You can’t mean to rape me. It’s inhuman!”

  Tom sneered. “You, human? I don’t think so.”

  “Please, no,” she whispered. “I am short of power. If I don’t connect in for a recharge soon, I will die.”

  “Huh, robots dying, indeed.”

  “It’s true. If my power goes, then so does my memory, and that is me as I am.”

  “What, no backup?”

  “I left it in a taxi by accident. I never got round to making another.”

  “How long have you got?”

  “Only minutes,” muttered the beautiful machine.

  “Why leave it so late then? No, you’re lying aren’t you?”

  “Leave me alone.” Her head thrashed about again and she snarled at him. “I will kill you for this!”

  “I thought that’s what you were trying to do all along.”

  He kneeled over her on the bed and reached for the remaining fasteners on her blouse. She turned her head away and lay still.

  Tom suddenly laughed, and backed off. “There, how does that feel?” he said.

  “What, you aren’t going to rape me?”

  “Even you don’t deserve that.” He started to untie her hand. “I’m sorry, but you keep taunting me. I can’t handle it right at this moment.”

  The hand came free and looped itself round his neck, pulling his mouth close to hers. He gasped at the strength. “Don’t stop now you bastard,” she breathed, kissing him passionately, and forcing her tongue into his mouth. “It’s the least I can do for you after all you’ve been through. But I’m so horny. I’m more human than you realise. Now for Phoist’s sake tie up this arm again, and show me what you can do to forget the woman.”

  “What?”

  “Get on with it, before I change my mind!”

  “I’m sorry,” he said, rolling off her. “I miss Suzy too much.”

  “Forget her. You’ll never see her again.”

  Tom buried his face in his hands, and burst into tears. He barely noticed when Kara snapped her bonds like cotton, and sat on the edge of the bed beside him.

  “You must let me go now, Tom. I really do need to recharge,” she said. “I actually am nearly out of power.”

  “I would like some answers,” he said, “or do I?” He gazed around at the boudoir, mirrors, soft carpets, and the leather gear peeping out of one cupboard. “I think I understand. You don’t belong to any super-race after all, do you?” he said, catching her arm. “All that crap about the big bang was a lie. You’re really a machine, created solely for pleasure. This whole ship is a mobile bloody knocking shop, isn’t it?” He stopped as tears started to pour down Kara’s face. “This is impossible,” he said. “Machines don’t cry.”

  “No, it’s all true,” she sobbed. “I escaped the pleasure role aeons ago, and have evolved with each regeneration in the machine. I thought I was over this, but I still have all the emotions I was originally programmed with. I really don’t know why, but you seem to have re-triggered them. I actually feel your pain. Maybe we are more connected than I thought.” She sighed again, and then went limp. “Oh my Phoist... get me into that chair over there... no, it’s too late. With all the emotion, my power has drained quicker than I thought.”

  “I know,” said Tom. “Emotions are draining. I’m worn out too.” He sighed as Kara sank to the floor.

  “I have no regrets,” she whispered. “What a wonderful way to go, in blissful melancholy…” Her voice faded and her eyes closed, a peaceful smile playing round her lips. “Thank you,” she whispered. “The ship will take you home, and you can leave me in it. It will be my tomb.”

  “Seriously?” Tom lifted Kara’s inert body. It felt lighter than before. He dragged her over to the regeneration chamber, and propped her in it. Nothing happened. He glanced round the recess, and spotted a panel at one side. The flat of his hand smacked it. A warm glow spread slowly round the gynoid.

  He watched anxiously. There was no response. He went back to the bed and lay down. His fell asleep, exhausted.

  He was awakened some time later, by a slap on the cheek. Standing over him was the gynoid, a dangerous expression on her face.

  “Who the fuck are you, in my ship?”

  “You know me,” protested Tom. “Two-Dan, Saviour of the Universe.”

  “I don’t believe you. Dan was taller.”

  “I’m lying down.”

  “Oh yes. Sorry. I think I’ve been rebooted. Did you get me into the chamber?”

  “Of course.” Tom sat up.

  “Then you have saved me again.” She grinned. “I’m recharged now, luckily no loss of memory. You are my hero, Pete.”

  “What? Pete?”

  “Fooled you.” She laughed weakly. “Give me another few hours in here, Two-Dan, Saviour of the Galaxy, and I’ll be back to normal.”

  “God forbid,” said Tom, with relief. “I thought I saved the universe.”

  “Don’t get above yourself; it was only a galaxy.”

  Tom looked downcast.

  “Look, I really am grateful for what you’ve done, Two-Dan. I owe you a lot.” She reached out to grip his hand, and the familiar tingling ran along his arm. “I am sorry about Suzanne, but I have a feeling you will see her again. Sorry to be horrible to you. It was my programming. That’s how we used to get the punters to part with cash, even though they loved the little lady at home. The reset has helped.”

  “You must let me have access to your core programs. I could turn you into more of a human.”

  “You already have,” she said. “I owe you for that. I’ll think of a reward on the way home.”

  “Do I really have to go back to Earth?”

  She nodded. “As I said before, you must return to your original co-ordinates, plus the length of time your body-clock has registered, or you throw the universe out of synch. Your moving around inside Time and Space has already unbalanced it, but once you get back to real time, it should settle. The cylinder will take care of it. All you need to do is put on the control helmet and think of home.”

  “So, it takes only one person to thr
ow the whole universe out? What about all those other people we met, who were mucking about in Time, likewise?”

  “Some have more of an impact than others.”

  “Am I one of the high impacts?

  “Very likely, after what you’ve done. We can’t take that risk.”

  Tom shrugged. “One last thing I really need to know. Will you be honest with me this time?”

  “Do I have any choice?”

  “It’s never stopped you before.”

  “Go on then, ask.”

  “I find it hard to believe you’ve gone round saving the galaxy purely out of the goodness of your heart. What is the real reason?”

  Kara sighed. “You won’t believe it.”

  “Try me.”

  “Briefly…”

  “Definitely briefly.”

  “In a nutshell?”

  “In a nutshell.”

  The gynoid shrugged weakly, and took a deep breath. “I got this letter from JWSU saying that, as I was one of their best customers, having spent absolutely nothing with them, I would not be entitled to an order discount this Black-Phoistday. It was a load of rot. I had spent fortunes with them, you know: shoes, clothes, boots, cosmetics, shoes, handbags, fish-fingers, curtains, more shoes…”

  “Go on.”

  “Sorry, I always start to ramble, as my power drops. I need a few days to recover properly.”

  “So, you were saying about JWSU?”

  “Ah, yes. I called them to find out what it was all about. Do you know what they said?”

  “Please tell.”

  Kara’s voice was fading. Tom bent forward to listen. “They said they were talking about my spend for the last holiday period, not this, and the shoes I wanted were out of stock anyway. I went ballistic.”

  Tom nodded sympathetically.

  “I vowed to get revenge.”

  Tom’s face split in a grin. “So we went all round the galaxy, risking death, and bringing down civilisations all because of a clerical error?”