Blame It on the Shame (Blame It on the Shame: Lou-Lou and Ricardo's Story #1)

by Ashley Jade

  I've never felt more free in my life than right now, staring up at the stars, watching the planes pass by, basking in the moon's glow.

  Knowing with every beat of my heart that the man holding my hand is one who wouldn't abuse me and that I'm safe with him.

  I'm breathing in air and letting it out effortlessly for the first time in my life.

  I'm experiencing something that most people would take for granted but I'm soaking up every second of it...I'll remember this feeling for the rest of my life.

  I turn to look at him “Can we sleep out here tonight?”

  He turns to face me and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “Of course.”

  We face the night sky again, both of us folding our arms under our head. “Truth—I don't regret beating Scarlet up,” I say.

  I hear him laugh softly. “I know you don't. Truth—you have a mean right hook.”

  That's when I start laughing. “I take that as quite the compliment coming from you, coach.” I quickly utter my next statement before I lose my nerve. “Truth—I didn't beat her up because of DeLuca. I beat her up because she said she was using you.” I pause and swallow a gulp of air. “But if I'm being honest, I really wanted to punch her the second she talked about your cock piercing and your magic tongue.”

  His laughing comes to a halt. “What? I didn't tell her to—”

  “Are you saying it's not true?”

  There's a long pause before he says, “That's not what I'm saying.”

  “How did it happen?”

  “I let someone stick a barbell through my dick.” He gives me a cocky smirk. “The other is pure skill.”

  I nudge him with my elbow and fight the rush of arousal his words are causing. “What I meant was what made you want to get one?”

  “An act of solidarity,” he says. “Jackson and Tyrone ended up falling off the grid after Tyrone got drunk at the bar after their first fight. When I finally found them at the tattoo shop, I needed to prove that I was in the gauntlet with them and they could trust me. Despite it being Tyrone's idea, he kept chickening out. So, I went first and got an apadravya. This way, he could see it wasn't all that bad. He was still a bit freaked so Jackson got one too. His drunk ass relented after that and he kept telling the piercer to make his prince albert look pretty. That's what he ended up with.”

  He laughs while recalling the memory. “The next morning he screamed like a girl because he didn't remember any of it. Jackson and I laughed so hard we had tears rolling down our face. I never saw Jackson laugh or let down his guard before that, so it proved to be a bonding experience for the three of us.”

  His story doesn't surprise me one bit. “They're important to you.”

  He nods. “They're the closest thing to a family I've ever had. We may fight and argue sometimes but I'd do anything for them.”

  I don't even need to look into his eyes to know how much he means it. Jackson and Tyrone really have no idea how much Ricardo looks out for them. What he's fighting against all by himself to ensure their safety.

  The horrifying thought hits me. “Can I ask you a question?”

  “You know you can ask me anything.”

  “What if DeLuca uses Jackson and Tyrone as leverage in order to force you to take over for him?” I sit up. “Ricardo, you have to know it will come to that one day.”

  He squeezes his eyes shut. “I know it will. In approximately 7 years to be exact.” I don't miss the affliction in his tone.

  “What are you going to do?”

  He visibly swallows. “If I have to become him in order to protect them I will. Hopefully, by the time DeLuca dies, I won't be so far gone that I can't find my way back.”

  “I can't believe you'd do that for them. That's worse than dying for them. You hate him, Ricardo. He...you're. You're just not him and being forced to become him will ruin you.”

  He sits up and exhales sharply. “I know. He has the best leverage in terms of Jackson and Tyrone. He knows it's his only shot at making me do the one thing I swore I never would.”

  He visibly swallows. “I didn't want to bring this up tonight, but I guess there's no point in not saying it. The more I think about it. I'm convinced that something's off, Lou-Lou. Really off.”

  I fight off a shiver with those words. “What do you mean?”

  “I'm saying I think he wanted us or rather, me to figure out that his plan was to have you come here to seduce them. He wanted me to keep you away from them and he knew I would. Just like he knew it would be insanely easy for me to figure out that his plan was to cause a rift in my friendship with them.”

  “You're saying his plan was too simple?”

  “I'm saying his plan was too stupid. And DeLuca's many things...but stupid isn't one of them.”

  His entire body tenses. “There's no way it was the real plan.”

  “What exactly are you saying, Ricardo?”

  “Think about it, Lou-Lou. If you had the only leverage at your disposal that could make the son who hates you do the one thing you'll eventually need him to do...why would you go out of your way to destroy that? DeLuca should be wanting me to get even closer to Tyrone and Jackson...not pushing me away from them.”

  I gasp and my hands fly over my mouth. “He said the first plan didn't work out the way he wanted it to.”

  He turns his head and his eyes flash. “What? When did he say this? Why didn't you tell me?”

  “Don't get mad at me,” I say. “I couldn't tell you about our last conversation because he had me bugged, remember?”

  I rub my temples. “You're right, he would never give up his leverage...and he didn't. Because he told me not to seduce them anymore. Right before he told me that the first plan didn't work out. Then he told me that he wasn't displeased by the turn of events and that he was happy with my loyalty to him. Then he said that he knew without a shadow of a doubt that we're meant to be. And finally, he told me that he didn't believe your 'good son' act and that's why he needs me to spy on you...to make sure it's genuine. I know it sounds crazy, but I don't think his plan is nearly as complex as you think it is. I think he was just using Jackson and Tyrone to get you to bend to his will. I think involving them was a cry for your attention because he wants you to be closer to him. You're all he has, Ricardo.”

  His brows draw together. “Yeah, you could be right. He...our conversations lately have been more father and son and less mob boss and employee.”

  He holds out his arms and I fall into them. “I am right, Ricardo. His face lit up when he told me about how you started calling him 'Babbo' again. He said it meant a lot to him that I went out of my way to sing his praises to you. You're the most important person in the world to him. You're protected.”

  I squeeze my eyes shut when I realize that I, however, am not.

  In fact, I know the real reason DeLuca brought me here.

  He wasn't testing Ricardo at all. He was testing me.

  He was going to kill me if I slept with them.

  But I didn't...that's why he told me the plan had changed and he was happy about my loyalty to him.

  That's why he's so convinced we're meant to be now. I passed the test.

  I should be feeling relieved, but instead, I feel the opposite.

  I'm scared shitless...because I royally fucked up.

  There's no doubt in my mind that DeLuca knows I have feelings for his son.

  He was right...he knows everything about me.

  And he caught my slip-up. “Because I can't take having your hands on me when I'm supposed to be seducing Tyrone and Jackson.”

  I was supposed to be seducing Ricardo as well.

  But I never said Ricardo's name...because I couldn't bring myself to seduce him.

  I never said anything about Ricardo to DeLuca, only when prompted. However, Ricardo talked about me.

  And DeLuca knows I've never told anyone about my father...only him.

  That means DeLuca knows I trust Ricardo...and I can't trust anyone.
/>   And that's why he bugged me...this way he could catch me in the act. He wants to catch me sleeping with Ricardo so he can kill me.

  It's the only thing that makes sense.

  “You're shaking, Lou-Lou,” Ricardo whispers. “You okay?”

  No...I'm not okay. I'm a girl on death row.

  “I love your father,” I say, more to convince myself than him.

  His fingers dig into my shoulders and he spins me around to face him.“You keep tossing that around but I don't believe it for a second.”

  “Well, you have to believe it because it's the truth.”

  His eyes search my face. “No, it's not, Lou-Lou. And I'll prove it to you.”

  He moves and shifts us so that my back is pressed against his front. I can feel his eyes on me with his next statement. “Truth—I hate the thought of you being with him.”

  “Truth—you need to get over it because I want DeLuca.”

  He leans in, his nose grazing my neck. “You're right...you do want DeLuca.”

  I close my eyes because the only thing worse than hearing the words come out of my own mouth are hearing them come out of his.

  “Just not the DeLuca you're trying to convince yourself you do,” he says.

  I feel that electric shift between us and my nerves explode when his fingertips brush across my legs, stopping at the end of my shorts which are mid-thigh.

  I want to beg him to go higher and yet I know I have to be smart and beg him to stop.

  I close my eyes and try to breathe. I know he'll end this once I tell him to...that's what makes it near impossible for me to tell him to stop in the first place. Knowing he's the only person I can trust with my body.

  Knowing he's the only man who will ever be capable of igniting these feelings and desires within me.

  He draws slow and teasing circles along my inner thigh and my stomach somersaults.

  “You want to know how I know you want me and not him?” he rasps.

  My mouth opens in protest, but I still can't bring myself to say the words to make him stop.

  He takes the opportunity to continue. “Remember the morning I caught you touching yourself?”

  “Yes,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper.

  He presses into me harder and I feel his erection against my backside. It only brings this crushing need for what I can't have to the surface.

  My traitorous body arches against him and he groans. “Do you know what I discovered after I thrust my cock against your pussy?”

  I shake my head and he moves my shorts up my thighs. “I found a wet spot on my boxers caused by your juices. Hottest morning of my life.”

  He nips at my neck hard, it's sudden and predatory. Then his tongue is over the spot, soothing the sting out. And I'm gone, losing myself in him.

  “I dare you to tell me you want him and not me again, Lou-Lou. I fucking dare you.”

  My mouth goes dry and all I can do is whimper.

  He moves his hand away and I want to scream in frustration. “You have one of two choices,” he says. “ You can tell me to stop touching you and I will. Or, you can place my hands exactly where you want them.” His breath tickles my ear. “But you should know when that happens...I'm going to take over and make you come all over my fingers.”

  My cheeks flush and I barely manage to stifle my moan.

  He rolls me so that I'm lying on my back and he's hovering above me. “The choice is all yours.”

  I don't think anymore because I won't let myself. I want this moment with him. I want him to do something that no one else has ever done.

  I push my shorts down and put my hand on top of his before placing it directly over my panties.

  His eyes darken and he bites his bottom lip and groans when his thumb slides along the damp crotch of my panties.

  He strokes me in a teasing motion and I suck in a breath.

  I close my eyes again because I can't be this brazen while looking at him. Especially when I’m about to do this.

  I reach up and quickly unbutton the first three buttons. Then before I can talk myself out of it, I find the front clasp of my bra and undo it. The air causes my now exposed nipples to pucker and I fight back a shiver.

  “Christ, your tits are perfect,” he growls, low and husky, right before his warm mouth closes over one of my nipples and he begins sucking.

  The flick of his tongue is both hungry and feral. Our moans mix together, his deep and raspy; mine needy and frantic.

  He moves to my other breast, his tongue laving it with the same attention.

  I open my eyes and look down. The sight of his head buried between my cleavage and his big hands cupping and kneading me is almost too much to take.

  In an act driven by pure lust and desire, I reach down and move my panties to the side, baring myself to him completely.

  His mouth curves into a slow grin before his eyes become hooded and his expression grows dark and sultry.

  He spreads my lips and glides his fingers along the moisture. “Do you know how long I've wanted to do this to you?”

  I squeeze my eyes shut, my body suddenly in turmoil because as much as I'm in this amazing moment with him, I'm still trapped in other moments.

  Horrible moments.

  He pauses his movements and I feel so ashamed that I'll never be normal. “I'm sorry,” I whisper. “I'm sorry I'm so fucked up. You can stop. I don't want you to think you're doing something wrong when you're not.”

  “Look at me, Lou-Lou,” he commands.

  When I do he says, “You're not fucked up, you're beautiful. Every single part of you. Now, keep your eyes on me, got it?”

  I nod and he rubs his thumb in a wet circle around my clit. “When I'm touching you, it's because I want to give you pleasure. It's never because I want to hurt you. Do you understand?”

  I nod again and one of his fingers enter me. “Who's touching you right now?”

  I look into his eyes. “You are.”

  His thumb swirls around my clit again and I moan because it feels good....so fucking good.

  I gasp when his finger goes deeper and a rush of wetness floods his hand. But I'm too far gone in ecstasy to feel any more shame.

  “Fuck,” he groans.

  He slips his finger out before entering me again. This time, he pushes two fingers inside me and starts moving them in and out of me in a perfect rhythm.

  The sounds of his fingers pumping into my slickness fill the night air, further enhancing my arousal.

  I fist the blanket. “Oh, god.”

  “You like the way I'm touching you, baby? The way I’m finger fucking this sweet pussy of yours?”

  “Fuck, yes,” I scream.

  I don't know who this unabashed girl is writhing underneath him but I like her.

  And the expression on Ricardo's face tells me he does too.

  When I utter his name in a long, drawn out sigh, he curses under his breath.

  He stares down at me from underneath his long lashes, his expression penetrating. “I love the way you say my name when I'm stroking your tight pussy.”

  He gives me a cocky smirk. “And I can't wait to hear you scream it when I make you come.”

  He coils his fingers deep inside me and flicks my clit with his other hand. My hips begin bucking and that's all it takes for me to completely unravel.

  When I take my next breath, my clit throbs and stars explode behind my eyes. It's so intense I latch onto his fingers for dear life and scream his name into the heavens before sputtering a curse.

  And that's when the trembles begin...because I feel something else entirely.

  Fear.

  I gave him so much more than my orgasm.

  I gave him my heart.

  And that was the most dangerous and stupid thing to do.

  I push him off me and ignore the hurt across his face.

  I pull my shorts up and start making my way out of the field when he grabs my elbow. “Whoa, what's the matter? Why are you running aw
ay?”

  “That was a mistake.” He takes a step closer but I take a step back and cross my arms. “I love your father.”

  “Goddammit. Stop saying that, Lou-Lou. We both know it's not true.”

  He puts his hands on his hips and blows out a breath. “Maybe we moved too fast back there. That was my fault. I'll slow down, I promise. Come back and—”

  “No!” I scream. “What don't you understand, Ricardo? I don't want you. I'm in love with your father. I already told you...I choose him.”

  His face falls. “I know you're only saying these things to hurt me...and I know you're only hurting me because you're overwhelmed—”

  “You're wrong...I'm saying it because it's the truth.”

  I look down at the ground, fighting back tears. “Now take me home.”

  Defeat splashes across his face. “Fine. Let's go.”

  I look at the vases full of dandelions one last time and my heart crumbles.

  I learned the cold, hard, truth back when I was a little girl.

  Wishes never come true for girls like me.

  Chapter 22 (Ricardo)

  A little over 3 weeks have come and gone.

  A little over 3 weeks of Lou-Lou ignoring me, pushing me away...but always ending up in my bed and in my arms every single night.

  She can deny it all she wants but I know she doesn't want to go back to DeLuca.

  I don't want her to either.

  We were both ecstatic when he called the third week in August and said his arrival would be delayed for another week.

  I tried getting her to open up to me about what's going on inside her head, but she won't.

  I tried telling her that I can't help ease her fears if she won't tell me what they are...but still no dice.

  She's stuck in her 'team of one' mentality again.

  Which can only mean one thing.

  She still doesn't trust me.

  And if that's the case...I'm afraid she never will.

  Every time she tells me she loves him, I fight the urge to put my fist through the goddamn wall.

  I'm losing her every single day that goes by.

  I'm losing the girl who makes me happy and drives me fucking crazy.

  I'm losing the girl who makes me want to push her off a cliff and then jump in to save her at the last possible second.