Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs

by Gerry Bartlett

Page 11

 

  A flushed Ian moved into camera range with a red silk robe. He wrapped Sarah in it and faced the camera.

  “Thank you, Sarah, for that moving testimonial. Obviously my program has made your dreams come true. ”

  “Not all of them, Ian baby. ” Sarah dropped the robe again and threw herself on the diet guru. “Let’s celebrate. ”

  “Obviously, Sarah, my elixirs have given you a tremendous amount of energy. ” Ian signaled frantically and two of his surfers pulled Sarah off him.

  “Later, lover!” Sarah shouted as she was carried out of camera range.

  Ian picked up the robe and tossed it aside, then cleared his throat as he buttoned his shirt.

  “Sarah lost an incredible twenty-two pounds in just fourteen nights on my super-slimming weight-loss program. ” Ian smiled into the camera. “Following my simple plan and drinking my specially formulated, all-natural supplements, you too can finally achieve the ideal size you’ve always wanted. Visit my Web site or call my weight-loss hotline for details. ” The URL and eight-hundred number scrolled across the bottom of the screen before Ian turned off the TV.

  “Wow. ” I gripped Ray’s hand.

  “Well, Glory, does this look like something you’d be interested in trying?”

  Valdez and Ray stared at me, probably surprised I didn’t immediately shout, “Yes. ” Which kind of pissed me off. What? Did I need to trim down so badly? Oh, who was I kidding? I’d done nothing but gripe about my weight since I’d met Valdez five years ago. And Ray knew how I felt too. Both men were way too smart to say a word, though. I took a breath and looked at Ian.

  For a moment I wanted to bolt. Even if it meant shifting back into bat form, I wanted to get out of there. Smooth-talking, handsome-as-sin Ian MacDonald made me shiver. Why? I couldn’t put my finger on it. Maybe it was the vacant-eyed surfer dudes scattered around the deck outside. Or the lavishly decorated den that, despite a roaring fire in the stone fireplace, still chilled me to the bone. Then there was the man himself with his video and obvious indifference to poor Sarah’s humiliation when she’d exposed her cottage cheese thighs.

  Of course I couldn’t forget that he was Jerry’s ancient enemy. I had paid attention to the “MacDonalds are demons from hell” stories I’d heard at Castle Campbell. But the Ian MacDonald waiting for my answer now was no kilt-wearing, broadsword-hacking demon. He had a Web site, cooked up magic formulas and had even managed to look cute when Sarah had embarrassed him with her gratitude.

  I desperately wanted to be thin and had wanted that forever. That meant I was going to have to play Ian’s game, his way. Too bad he had that last name. I’d just have to keep my eyes open. Of course Valdez was already on the case. I glanced down. V was practically quivering with animosity. Oookay.

  “What’s it going to cost me?” I flushed, not liking how that had come out. “I mean, obviously this elixir or whatever is a valuable commodity. ”

  Valdez snorted and Ray reached for my hand again.

  “I told you, babe. Let this be on me. Whatever makes you happy, makes me happy. ” Ray had the devoted fiancé act down pat.

  “It’s wonderful to see such a committed couple. So rare in the vampire world. ” Ian’s smile seemed sincere, but I heard something in his voice . . .

  I shot Ray a warning look. I’d blocked my thoughts from the get-go and assumed Ray had done the same. As far as Ian knew, Ray and I were a devoted couple. And my insistence on paying seemed silly under the circumstances. I decided I could settle this with my “fiancé” later.

  “Well, if you insist, love. ” I leaned against Ray and smiled at Ian. “Ray’s very generous. While the video was impressive, I really don’t want to waste his money. So tell me more. Exactly what’s involved here, Ian?”

  “Ah, you’re a practical woman. Admirable. ” Ian snapped his fingers and a slim woman in black running shorts and matching sports bra scurried into the room. She carried a tray loaded with bottles. It didn’t take more than a few seconds for me to pick up on the fact that the lady was mortal. The bottles rattled as she set the tray on the wooden coffee table in front of us. Then she stepped back, watching Ian closely, her hands clasped behind her.

  “This is Trina. ” Ian smiled at her and she visibly relaxed. “Tell me, dear one, did you do your fifteen-mile run as I instructed?”

  “Yes, Master. ” She smiled and pushed her dark hair behind one ear. “I made it twenty, to please you. ”

  “Excellent. ” Ian reached out his hand and she hurried to take it. “And when was this?”

  “I finished less than thirty minutes ago, then showered and dried my hair. ” She pulled his hand to her stomach. “Have I pleased you, Master?”

  “Yes. Now this female vampire will drink from you. Make it a pleasant experience for her. Do whatever she wishes. ” Ian brushed his thumb across Trina’s bare stomach when her mouth tightened and it looked like she might protest. “This will please me very much. ” He ran his thumb up to her breast. “And later tonight I’ll please you. ”

  For a moment I thought I saw rebellion in Trina’s dark eyes, but she merely nodded.

  “Of course, Master. Whatever you wish. ” She turned to me. “You want to drink from me here? Or do you wish to be private?”

  “Wait just a minute. ” I glanced at Ray. He was fighting a grin, like he could get into watching a little girl-on-girl action. I pinched his hard thigh. “First, I’m not into drinking from mortals, thank you very much. And she brought in bottles. I figured those contained your magic potion. ”

  “Some of those bottles are supplements. I’ll explain them later. They’re clearly labeled. Others are refreshments for Mr. Caine to enjoy while he waits for us. ” Ian smiled. “My program has several key components, Glory. One effective treatment is to drink from a mortal who has just exercised vigorously. ” Ian ran his hand down Trina’s nonexistent hip.

  “So I can’t just drink something from a bottle?” I wasn’t sure I liked this, but, in a strange way, it made sense. Something to do with a revved-up metabolism, I guess.

  “No, you must drink from the source and soon after that source”—he smiled as he stroked Trina’s taut thigh—“has completed the exercise for the best effect. ” Ian stood and gestured for me to do the same. “Now, Glory, I’m going to weigh and measure you. After that, you’ll drink from Trina. When you come back here tomorrow night, I’m willing to bet you’ll be down at least two pounds. How does that sound?”

  “Oh, come on, Ian. I thought you said this program was revolutionary. Any vampire knows you can drink from a mortal for special effects. ” I turned to Ray. “Remember, Ray? You can get high from a mortal who’s just done drugs or is drunk. It’s the same with a runner. The healing sleep wipes out any ‘effects. ’ Always has. ” I stood and pulled Ray up with me, so disappointed I wanted to bawl like a baby. “I knew this was too good to be true. Let’s go. ”

  “Glory, wait. Hear me out. ” Ian was on his feet. He gestured at the bottles between us. “See those? They are the difference. My special formulas make it possible for the weight loss to stay off. Even after you sleep. I’ve spent decades in the lab perfecting these. ” He waved a hand toward the dark TV screen. “You saw Sarah. That kind of loss didn’t happen overnight. ”

  I slowly sat again. “No, I guess it couldn’t have. ” I picked up one of the bottles. “What are you, some kind of scientist?”

  “I’ve been many things in my over five hundred years. Even a medical doctor. ” Ian held out his hand. “Are you going to trust me on this?”

  “Don’t do it, Glory. This whole operation reeks. You’d be nuts to trust a MacDonald. When Blade hears about this—”

  “Valdez, hush. Blade’s old news. I’m with Ray now. ” I pretended not to notice Ian’s intent gaze. “Give me a minute to wrap my brain around all this. ”

  Ray put his arm around me. “Take your time, babe. ”

>   “Blade?” Ian sat across from us again.

  “Jeremy Blade, Glory’s former boyfriend. Valdez forgets who’s buying his rib eyes these days. ” Ray gave V a warning look.

  I hoped Ian bought that story. I tuned them out while I tried to think. Down two pounds in one night? Was it possible? But wait. Now he wanted to weigh me? No one, I mean no one, knew my weight. And he’d write it down where anyone could come across it. Those snoopy bastards from the tabloids, for example. I’d be like every other famous person with a weight issue, my number a headline on the front cover along with a picture of me with a really gross butt shot. Oh, God, could this possibly be worth it?

  I wanted to fly the hell out of there. This was even worse than the measuring. But to actually lose two pounds after a day of healing sleep . . .

  Valdez moved closer and bumped my knee. “Seriously, Glo. Let’s get the hell out of here. I’m getting bad vibes. Blade—”

  “He’ll hate it, but won’t be able to stop me. Don’t mention him again. ” I grabbed Valdez’s collar when he looked like he wanted to start something, like maybe “accidentally” knock over that tray of bottles. Of course if he really lunged at anything, I had zero chance of stopping him. I’m vamp strong, but he’s in a category all by himself strengthwise.

  And then there was Trina, who was checking out Ray and obviously wishing he was the one with the weight issue. Yeah, right. My “fiancé” had a single-digit percentage of body fat.

  “Well, Glory, are you going to do this program or not? It’s your call. ” Ray pulled out his wallet and extracted a black credit card that could have paid for a villa in the south of France and still not hit a limit. Ian played it cool, but I’m sure he wanted to snatch it and run up a big tab before Ray could put it out of sight again.