Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs

by Gerry Bartlett

Page 12

 

  I sighed and stood. My jeans were cutting into my midsection despite the blessing of a little spandex. I pulled down my T-shirt but could still feel the muffin top bulging above the waistband. I walked over to Trina and sniffed. B positive, a nice healthy one too. And she was fresh from a shower that had involved a hint of lavender. Ian and Ray were both on their feet, watching me.

  “Okay, but Ray, baby, you stay here. Valdez, you come with me for the weigh-in, but, I swear to God, if you look at my weight, I’ll post a picture on the Internet of a Chihuahua having a bad hair day and claim it’s your true form. ”

  “Tough talk, Glory, but I’ll do what I have to if this a-hole threatens your safety. ” Valdez stayed between Ian and me. “Hear this, MacDonald. If any harm comes to Glory, you’ll have every Campbell in Scotland on you like fleas on my ass. ”

  “I’m not afraid of the Campbells, but find that threat interesting. A sire isn’t usually so involved with a vampire he’s made and released, so to speak. ” Ian faced me. “Who do you belong to, Glory? Caine here? Or a Campbell?”

  I felt my fangs fully extend and my face grow hot. “I don’t belong to anyone, Ian. A Campbell made me, but we parted ways long ago. ” I snarled at Valdez. “The shifter oversteps and will hear about this later. ” I looked back at Ray and managed a smile. “My love life is my concern. Since Ray is willing to pay . . . ”

  “Say no more. ” Ian nodded and took Ray’s credit card. “I admire independent women. Clearly you’re one of them. ”

  I stared at the MacDonald vampire. “I’m independent but not stupid and I do have powerful friends. So does Ray. This had better be on the up-and-up. And I will let the shifter do his thing if this ‘treatment’ is just a con. ”

  Ray and Valdez were involved in a stare-down. “The shifter may not live that long. You keep popping off like that, fur face, and I’ll see you replaced. ”

  “Yeah?” Valdez glanced at me. “That’s not your call, Caine. Glory, care to straighten him out?”

  “Shut up, V. Right now you’re hanging on by a thread. ” I wanted to get on with this. “Ian? Are we clear? This thing totally safe and on the up-and-up?”

  “You saw the tape, Glory. And I could show you dozens more of my success stories if it would make you feel better. Even introduce you to some of the vampires. But it would delay things. Maybe a week or more to get them here. If you wish to wait . . . ” Ian smiled and toyed with the credit card, acting like he could care less if we proceeded or not.

  A week. The Grammys would be over and I’d be on my way back to Texas. I really, really wanted to look good on the red carpet. The event would be televised. Millions would be watching, including Jerry’s mum, who hates me and would be hoping I’d fall flat on my face. She cheered when Ray and I announced our fake engagement. Is still hoping I’ll marry Ray and leave her precious son alone.

  How cool to lose enough weight to freak out those designers on that reality show. They’d come for the fittings and their dresses would positively bag on me. They’d argue about who’d measured wrong. It would make for great TV and I’d just stand there, looking skinny and perfectly innocent in my new size-six body. Would that be mean of me? Maybe I was tired of being good old Glory.

  “I don’t want to wait. Let’s do this. ” I looked at Ray and he winked.

  “Fine. Follow me. ” Ian gestured at the coffee table. “There are several excellent bottles of mortal juice there, Mr. Caine, if you wish to indulge. As I said, they’re clearly labeled for your enjoyment. I’ll be back shortly. Glory and Trina will join us when they’re done. This way, please, Glory. ”

  I trailed Ian, my stomach doing a dip and roll that made me wonder if I could drink from Trina and keep it down. Valdez sulked by my side. We stepped into an office painted pale gray with a wall of windows overlooking the ocean. A chrome and glass desk held a computer and a setup that Ian made use of as he punched in numbers. Running Ray’s card no doubt. His grin confirmed it. Well, that part was out of the way. I’d be sure we got a receipt. I just hoped I’d be able to pay the cost back before the turn of the next century.

  Valdez stood, scowling, next to Trina, while Ian picked up a clipboard and led me to a doctor’s scale in one corner of the room.

  “I’ll need your measurements too. ”

  Valdez snorted. “Four times in one night. That’s some kind of record, Glory. Guess you’ve experienced your own personal hell tonight. ”

  “Yeah. ” I made a face at the tape in Ian’s hand. “Reality show. Designers are making dresses for me to wear on the red carpet. Tonight they taped the first segment. ”

  Ian kept smiling as he reached around me to measure my waist. “Won’t they be surprised when they bring back those dresses and they’re too big?”

  I laughed, totally stoked by the whole idea. “That’s exactly what I thought. They’ll be back in four days for a fitting. Think that’s enough time for them to see a difference?”

  “You stick strictly to my program, the fast track, and I guarantee it. ” Ian reached around me to measure my breasts. His eyes gleamed as he sent me a mental message that made me blink.

  Whoa. So Ian was a little tired of bony babes in running shorts. I filed that away. I figured I could be on the miracle cure of the ages and still have plenty upstairs. I glanced at Trina and then remembered Sarah in the video. I didn’t want to end up flat-chested. And running shoes sure aren’t my idea of a fashion statement.

  “You can stop the program when you reach your ideal weight and size. You know what that is?” Ian led me to the scale.

  I had forgotten to block my thoughts. So Mr. Nosy knew just what I’d been thinking. I glanced at Trina and Valdez. They both were very interested in what Ian and I were up to.

  “Of course. I’ve had centuries to think about it. I want to fit into size-six jeans. I want to have the top to match, but still have nice cleavage. ” I flushed. Maybe that was too much information. Ian’s gaze had gone hot and it swept over me.

  “Step on the scale, Glory. Have you weighed before?”

  I kicked off my shoes. “Yes, and I know my number. So I’ll know if this scale is accurate. ” I stopped short. “Damn. Maybe I should take off my jeans. I bet they’re adding at least three pounds. ”

  Ian grinned. “Go for it. ”

  Valdez was beside me in a shot and growled at Ian. “Over my dead body. ”

  I looked down at him. “That can be arranged. ”

  Ian laughed. “Why don’t we agree that I’ll subtract three from whatever shows up on the scale?”

  I could see Valdez wasn’t budging. “Fine. Back to the door, V. I mean it. ” I watched until he was safely beside Trina again. “I guess we can’t skip this part. ” I was avoiding the moment of truth. I knew my weight was too much for my five-foot-five-inch height. I’d studied the charts, read the articles, wailed about my fate for way too long.

  “Not a chance. ” Ian smiled sympathetically. “Get it over with. It will only get better. When you see the number get smaller, you’ll feel fantastic. ”

  “Yeah, right. You promise no one else sees this? You did say you were a doctor with all that doctor-patient-confidentiality thing going on. ”

  “Yes, yes, of course. ” Ian took my hand to help me step on the scale.

  I whipped around. “Valdez, turn around. Face the door. I mean it. I don’t want you even looking in this direction. Ian isn’t going to hurt me. I’ll yell if I need you. ”

  “I don’t like this. ” Valdez gave Ian one more growl and then did turn around, his tail going up to shoot a furry finger at the MacDonald.

  “You too, Trina. This is none of your business. ”

  “Oh, for God’s sake. ” Trina looked like she wanted to say more, but a hard look from her “master” got her skinny butt moving and she faced the door in short order.

  “Okay, let’s do this. ” I stepped on the scale, wincing as
Ian slid the metal weights up until he was satisfied. “Wait!” I blew out air, like that might make a pound difference.

  Ian laughed and wrote down the number I knew too well. “Relax, Glory. You’re overreacting. I’ve worked with vampires who had a lot more to lose than you have. By this time next week, you’ll be in a size six or I’ll give Caine his money back. ”

  “Oh, my God!” I flung myself off the scale and into Ian’s arms. Can you blame me? I’d just had a man promise me the moon. “That would be so incredible. ”

  “Yeah, incredible. ” Valdez was right beside me again. “Let her go, MacDonald. ”

  “Get back to the door!” I screeched, lunging to slide the weights back to zero. “Damn it, V, I told you to stay there. ”

  “And, for the record, she was holding me, not the other way around. ” Ian laid his clipboard facedown and smiled at me. “Now, I’d better get back to Caine with a receipt for this. Glory, drink from Trina as soon as possible. The effects of her run will be wearing off in a few minutes. You don’t want that to happen, do you?”

  “No, of course not. ” I followed Ian to the door. I still felt funny drinking from a mortal, but if this is what it would take, and she seemed willing enough, I’d do it. I ignored Valdez’s disapproving look. “Where . . . ?”

  “Come with me. Guess the dog comes too. He doesn’t seem to want you out of his sight. ” Trina gave Valdez a disdainful look. “Wise of you, mutt. I have a black belt. ”

  “What? Gucci?” Valdez snarled and showed his impressive canines.

  “You want to try me?” Trina struck a pose.

  “Trina, get a clue. Valdez would be snacking on your foot before you got off kick one. ” I followed Trina into a bedroom. Oh, this was so not happening on a bed. “V? Sit outside the door. She’s just a mortal. If I need you, I’ll yell. You’ll hear me and knock down the door. Think what fun that will be. Then you can tear Trina apart with my blessing. ”