Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs

by Gerry Bartlett

Page 20

 

  “Trina! Get in here!” Ian or somebody arranged me so I was lying back on the cool leather. Then I smelled Trina’s warm wrist at my lips. My fangs came into play and that was all she wrote. I drank thirstily, as if I hadn’t had a feeding in weeks. Finally, someone pulled her off me, or I’m pretty sure I would have drained her dry.

  “Gee, that was intense. ” Trina sounded gleeful. “Master, did you see how I endured? I must have pleased you. ”

  “Yes, now leave us. I’ll reward you later. ” Ian actually sounded concerned, but not about Trina. She was merely a donor. He sat beside me again, rubbing my hands. “Glory, how do you feel now? Open your eyes. ”

  I didn’t want to. Not yet. I was savoring the rush again. Trina must have just completed a run and her adrenaline pulsed through me. I wanted to fly around the room or maybe jump somebody’s bones. I inhaled Ian’s scent and thought about what a good-looking man he was. And a friggin’ genius. Hmm. If I didn’t have an audience, I could open my legs and . . . Was I nuts? I finally sat up, pushing my hair out of my eyes.

  “Glory! How do you feel?” Flo shoved Ian off the couch and sat beside me. “Mio Dio, you scared me. ”

  “I feel great, Flo, seriously. Did you see her? Trina? She’s the runner I told you about. I am so pumped. ” I grinned and slipped past Flo so I could jump up and stretch. Richard and Valdez watched me, waiting for me to collapse again.

  “Hey, relax, guys. I’m fine. Just like last night, the feeding was fantastic. ” I turned to Ian. “But, sorry, those supplements have got to go. I can’t handle them. Especially the one I drink when I wake up. Couldn’t keep it down. It made me puke my guts up. ”

  Ian frowned. “That’s strange. ” He picked up a bottle from the coffee table. “What about the first one you drank? Before you slept?”

  “Gave me hideous nightmares. ” I shook my head. “Well, some of them were hideous. Parts were sexy. ” I winked at Flo. “To dream at all was so completely bizarre, but cool now that I think about it. ”

  “Of course. Vampires don’t dream. Not during the death sleep. ” Ian kept frowning. “Glory, you’re having a very unusual reaction to my supplements. This simply doesn’t happen. ”

  Richard stepped in. “Oh, come on, MacDonald. I don’t believe that for a minute. Did you hear what she said? Gloriana’s reaction sounds like she was poisoned. ”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. I’ve treated dozens of vampires with these formulas. None of them have complained of these symptoms. ” Ian shook his head. “And I wouldn’t experiment on Glory, not after Mr. Caine paid for the deluxe package. She’s taking what all my top-drawer clients take when they want to lose weight. My reputation depends on getting excellent results. ”

  “Then why don’t you get some of those other special clients out here and let us interview them? I want to talk to vampires who have been through this. Check out your reputation. ” Richard glanced at me. “Did you bother to do that, Gloriana?”

  “Well, no. But Ray and I saw a video. A success story. ” I gestured at the TV screen. “You should see the results Ian gets. And I didn’t want to wait. I want to look good for the red carpet. ” I ignored Valdez’s muttering. Nice to know he liked me the way I was, but I’d started this and I wanted to finish it.

  “You know how vampires are. It’s not like we publish a directory, Mainwaring. We fly under the radar. Change location, name, habits, constantly. As far as I know, and I told Glory this, none of the vampires have stayed close enough for her to meet them. But I could give you a few phone numbers that might still be good. ” Ian smiled, obviously convinced Richard would drop this if he was charming enough. I knew better.

  “And what would that prove?” Flo stayed close to my side. “Anyone can get on a phone and pretend to be a satisfied client. Am I right, amante?”

  “Right, Florence. ” Richard looked approvingly at his wife. “Give me a copy of some of these videos. And I want names and addresses of your ‘successes. ’ I’ll check them out personally. ”

  “Of course. Give me a few days—” Ian was suddenly jerked up by his custom-made Egyptian cotton shirt.

  “Now, MacDonald. Or we take Gloriana out of here and report you to the vampire council of Los Angeles. You’re obviously running a scam here. Unless you can prove us wrong. ” Richard released Ian but it was clear the war had started.

  “Richard, Ian. I’m okay now. Seriously. I just want to know what I can use besides this particular wake-up drink. I can deal with the nightmares if I have to. ” I pushed between the two men. Valdez practically knocked me over, staying glued to my left hip.

  “Richard, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but this is important to me. Back off. ” I sent Flo a mental message and she grabbed her husband’s arm.

  “Ricardo, you can’t ‘take’ Glory anywhere. ” Flo looked me over. “But I don’t like this sickness either, girlfriend. You’re pale, not flushed like you should be after feeding. At least let Ricardo investigate. ”

  “Sure, knock yourself out. But I’m going ahead with this. ” I sat on the couch again, still a little woozy, though I wasn’t about to admit it. “What else have you got, Ian?”

  “Are you sure you feel all right now, Glory?” Ian decided to ignore Richard for the moment and studied me.

  “Yes, fine. Stomach’s completely settled. ” I jumped up again and plastered on a smile. So what if the room tilted?

  “Then come weigh in. ” He gestured toward his office. “I’ve got something else you can try. And I’ll get copies of those records you want, Mainwaring. ”

  When the whole gang acted like they were going to follow me into the office, I balked. “Hold it. It’s a weigh-in. I don’t need an escort. ” I put my hand on Flo’s shoulder. “Flo, you get it, don’t you? No one sees my weight. ” I felt a bump against my leg. Clearly I wasn’t going in alone, not without World War III, and I didn’t have the energy for that right now. “I’ll let Valdez come, but even he looks away when I get on the scale. ”

  “I’m going in the room, mia amica. I’ll look away too. ” She stared hard at Ian. “But you’re not going in there without me, not when you still feel funny from what this man gave you. Ricardo can wait out here. ” She glanced out at the deck, where there were more surfer bodyguards than before, this time half a dozen. “Humor us, Glory. You scared us when you got so sick. ”

  “Okay, come on. ” So we trailed Ian into the office.

  “There’s the Pacific, Flo. ” Flo and I spent a few moments admiring the view from the windows while Ian rifled through files, pulled out a DVD and made copies of some papers.

  His smile was strained as he picked up his clipboard and walked to the scale. “I think you’ll be pleased, Glory. You’ve been with Trina twice now and you did take the supplements. We should see some good results. ”

  “Wait. I threw up most of the second one. I don’t see how it could have helped me. ” I sent Flo and Valdez mental messages and they both reluctantly faced the door.

  Ian helped me step on the scale and I watched breathlessly as he slid the weights across the metal bar.

  “Trust me, it did. You absorbed some of it into your bloodstream because look!” Ian wrote down the final number.

  I squealed. Which brought Flo and Valdez running. I slammed back the weights, then grabbed both of them for a group hug.

  “I’ve lost five pounds!”

  “Mio Dio! I never heard of such a thing for a vampire. ” Flo wiped a tear from her eye. “But you scared me, Glory. I thought this man . . . ” She shook her head. “Never mind. I’m happy for you. ”

  “We’ll check this out back at the hotel. ” Valdez was obviously Mr. Skeptic. “But if you’re happy, I’m happy. Now, let’s get the hell out of here. ”

  “No, wait. ” I turned to Ian. “What else can I do to make sure the weight stays off? Barfing up my toenails doesn’t seem like the way to go here. Surel
y there are other options. ”

  Ian frowned when Valdez bumped against him. “I’ve got a few suggestions. Would you give me some space, shifter?”

  “No. ” Valdez stayed put.

  “Look, work with me here. ” I gave Valdez a nudge. “Back to the door. Ian didn’t bring any of his bodyguards in here, did he? That’s got to mean something. ”

  “It means he’s not scared of two women and a dog. ” Valdez growled. “Big mistake, MacDonald. ”

  “Don’t underestimate me, whatever you are. And I can get an army in here with a thought if I need to. ” Ian put out his hands and walked around me. “I have no desire to hurt you, Glory, no matter what your friends think. But maybe you need a refund. Some things are simply not worth the trouble. ”

  “Now, Ian. ” I gave Valdez a “back off” look. “I’m sure we can work this out. ”

  Flo looked from Ian to me. “Your jeans are baggy in the butt, mia amica! Feel!” She grabbed a handful of fabric.

  I checked it out and, sure enough, she’d managed to get some material into her fist. I swayed and reached out for a handhold. I was dizzy again, but this time from shock.

  “Glory!” Valdez let me grab him. “What now?”

  “I’m okay. I just can’t believe it!” I smiled and sniffled. “Ian, please, please, don’t kick me out of the program. Just tell me what I can do besides drink that other potion. Or, if I have to, I’ll deal with it. Even if I spend every evening hugging the toilet. ”

  Ian patted my shoulder. “Let’s try some other things first. Have you ever exercised?”

  “What? Now you’re talking nonsense. A vampire doesn’t exercise. ” Flo exchanged glances with Valdez. “Why, Glory can already run and jump better than any mortal ever dreamed of doing. And lift a small car if she wants to. ”