A Year of Finding Happiness

by Lisa Hobman

  I’m pretty sure I was caught watching her on more than one occasion by Josie, Brad, and Sam’s mother, Renee. I wondered if she thought me a lecherous old prick. Not that someone as classy as she was would’ve used such language, but the sentiment would have been the same. My thoughts about Mallory weren’t lecherous though. I’m not saying they were pure – I’m not gonna lie. But there was just… something about her. As I’ve said before, she was one of a kind.

  I took myself off to bed and as I was brushing my teeth I took a long hard look in the mirror. Who was I kidding? I was almost eight years her senior and she didn’t see me in that way. She’d made that blaringly obvious with her such-a-good-friend comment. And to top it off, what the fuck was I doing getting attached to someone when I was still grieving? It was pointless. Rebounds never worked out.

  But as I eventually climbed into bed and waited for sleep, deep down I knew that this was no rebound.

  *

  When I opened my eyes, Mallory was standing at the end of my bed in her turquoise T-shirt and skirt from the party. This time I knew it was a dream but I didn’t fight it. I lay there, just gazing up at her as she slowly removed her skirt, kicking it to one side of the room. Her cropped denim jacket followed. Her eyes didn’t leave mine and she didn’t speak. Her hands reached for the hem of her T-shirt and she was slowly lifting it up… up… up. I sat up as the anticipation grew, but the sudden movement made me dizzy and when I looked down I had hold of Mairi’s hand. We were on a freezing-cold mountainside. I wasn’t sure how I’d got there and for a moment I was disorientated and confused. But then I remembered I’d been dreaming and fought myself to wake up. I observed my surroundings with a pounding in my chest and I could hear the blood rushing in my ears. Why wasn’t I waking up? I glanced down again and realised my grip was slipping and Mairi’s terror-filled stare chilled me to the bone. Her hand slid from mine and she fell—

  I sat with a violent jerk and opened my eyes wide. My chest heaved and like every occasion before I was covered in sweat and gasping for breath. What the hell? I wanted… no, I needed the nightmares to stop. I was losing my grip on my fucking sanity and I had no idea how to stop it from happening. This one was worse than the others. The sense of panic had my heart beating so fast, I clutched my chest and considered calling the paramedics in case I was on the verge of a heart attack.

  This was because of my feelings for Mallory. It had to stop. I had to apologise for staring at her when I sang that bloody song. God, what must she be thinking? She was grieving and I threw myself at the poor woman vicariously through someone else’s words. Again, what was I thinking?

  With my resolve set firm, I climbed out of bed and turned the shower on. I decided I would wash, dress, have a coffee, and set out for some much-needed fresh air. I had to clear my head of the cobwebs that had taken up residence, clouding my mind and making me forget what I’d lost. Well, that fucking nightmare had reminded me. I wouldn’t forget it again in a hurry.

  Once I was suitably caffeinated I grabbed my coat and went to the door, Angus at my heels. The sky was dark and I was betting I’d get soaked during our walk, but Angus didn’t care about the rain. Closing the front door but not bothering to lock it – I rarely did – I pulled the refreshing chilled air into my lungs and we set off towards the village.

  As we got to the village something caught Angus’s attention and he went shooting off towards the bridge.

  I began to jog after him. ‘Angus, you bloody mad hound! Come back here,’ I shouted. But then I realised what had been the distraction that made him run. Mallory and Ruby were standing in the middle of the bridge. She turned and looked at me. Awww, no. I really didn’t want to face her, but if I didn’t want to appear the fucking tube I really was, I had no choice. Shaking my head at myself, I waved and began to jog over to join her.

  When I arrived on the bridge I forced a smile. ‘I obviously didn’t do my job right last night, eh?’ She raised her eyebrows and asked what I meant. ‘Well, you don’t look in the least bit bloody hung over. What were you drinking at your birthday bash? Earl Grey?’

  We joked about the fact that Mallory had been so caught up in the events of the night that drinking hadn’t really been her top priority. The glow on her face had been pure happiness. Despite the nightmare, my heart warmed at the memory.

  Feeling more relaxed in her presence than I’d expected, I invited her and Ruby to join Angus and I on our walk. She hesitated and I thought she’d turn me down. But surprisingly enough, she accepted. We set off together towards the beach. The four of us.

  Once we were on the sand, the two doggy friends went off together, frolicking and barking. Watching them made me smile. If only being human were so simple.

  After a few minutes of silence, I spoke. ‘So… it was a good party last night, eh?’ I kept my eyes focused on the dogs skipping around each other.

  ‘It was wonderful, Greg. I can’t believe you did all that for me.’

  I glanced out of the corner of my eye, and she too had her eyes fixed firmly front and centre. I shrugged. ‘Well, I figured that’s the kind of thing Josie would do if you were down Yorkshire way.’

  She made a snorting noise and laughed. ‘Maybe not with so much gusto though. Josie would have done the pub and the friends, but they would have been their own entertainment.’

  I put my arm around her shoulders and gripped her roughly in what I considered a friendly kind of… well… man hug. ‘Well, I’m just glad I did you proud.’

  When I released her from my grasp, I watched what looked like confusion take over her features. Huh? What’s up now? Her brow pulled in and she chewed her lip, avoiding eye contact. Great! I couldn’t do right for doing wrong!

  Once again we were back to silence and watching our two mad canines dashing around the beach, flicking sand up in their wake. The first drop of rain hit my forehead and I glanced skyward. Here came the deluge. Mallory pulled up her hood and told me she was going to go away up to the rental cottage to see Sam’s family. I said I’d walk with her, seeing as I had a free day. It had been my intention to relax and maybe catch up on doing nothing. I figured I was overdue.

  We headed back up the beach towards the road. Big, fat raindrops began to splatter us, and it wasn’t long before we were completely soaked. Stupidly I decided that right then would be a good time to apologise for my stupid puppy dog eyes the night before. I was pretty sure I’d made her feel uncomfortable, but how did I broach the subject without making it worse?

  I stopped and took her arm. The wet hair stuck to my forehead with the weight of the rain, and I swiped it away. She turned to me with a look of confusion.

  Taking a deep breath, I told her, ‘I have to say something. Please just let me speak and don’t say anything, okay?’

  She narrowed her eyes. ‘Oooh-kay.’

  I could see the worry etched on her face, but I carried on regardless. It needed to be said no matter how much it irked me to utter the words. They were, after all, a lie. I took a deep breath, hoping to inhale some courage from the Scottish air. ‘Mallory, you and I didn’t get off to the best start, we both know that. I feel that now, though, we’re friends, good friends?’ I waited for her to agree and she nodded. Phew! Okay, it’s a start. ‘Seeing you look so happy last night made me feel amazing. Knowing I had a part in it. You know? But I think I may have given you the wrong impression. I know for a fact you felt uncomfortable at one point when I caught your eye… in the last song?’

  I saw the light of acknowledgement in her eyes. I’d been bang on with my assumption. ‘Now, I want you to know that I put your friendship above anything… I would never want to jeopardise that. If I made you feel uncomfortable by the way I looked at you, then I am so, so sorry. I just… you know… I sometimes get caught up in the meaning of a song. It didn’t mean anything,’ I lied. ‘Like I said before, I’m crap at this friends business. And if I’m completely honest, and I think I should be, I do find you attractive. But there are so many reaso
ns I can’t and won’t even bother to dwell on that fact. So please don’t worry. Do you understand what I’m waffling on about?’

  Her brow creased and she seemed to be thinking my words through. I wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing. ‘Basically, what I’m trying to say is that, if we’d met under different circumstances, if we were closer in age, if we both weren’t so broken, if I was braver, if you even remotely found me attractive, then maybe things would be different. But I know that things are how they are. We’re friends and that’s enough. Please promise me that you won’t start to withdraw and avoid me for fear of hurting me or doing… saying the wrong thing. I’m a big boy. I can handle it. I’m happy to be just friends.’

  She gazed up at me and I felt sure that the water around her eyes was no longer just rain. She lowered her head for a moment and the moisture trickled down her cheeks and off the end of her pink-tinged nose. Her cheeks were rosy now too and the blue of her irises appeared more vivid. So beautiful. The urge to tell her to forget everything I’d said and just kiss her was almost impossible to fight. But fight it I did. And as if I’d just given her the best gift ever, she threw her arms around me and pulled me against her body. I slipped one arm around her back and cupped her soaking-wet head with the other, returning the embrace.

  Fighting back my emotions, I pulled away and swallowed as I gazed into her bright blue eyes. I needed space. I hated that I wanted her so much. Smiling, I said my goodbyes and headed towards home. At least I’d made her feel better, even if in doing so a piece of my own heart had broken.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  After our chat on Sunday it seemed as if I was getting myself together again and the relief was immense. Although I had found myself inadvertently listening to a few tracks that made me think of Mallory, which I told myself was a minor setback. As I sat there listening to Pearl Jam the phone rang.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Oh, hi, is this Gregory?’ a female voice asked.

  ‘Yeah. Who’s this?’

  ‘Hi, dear, this is Renee. I’m Mallory’s… well… mother-in-law for want of a more suitable term. I’m calling to ask you a huge favour that involves her dog.’

  ‘Ruby? Okay, what can I do for you?’

  ‘Well, the thing is, we’ve bought tickets for Mallory to come out to Canada for a while. We think the break will do her good. And to be in Sam’s home again might be a good way for her to say goodbye. I was wondering… Would you be able to look after Ruby while she’s away?’

  She’s going away? Okay… I’m not sure how I feel about this. ‘Erm… y-yeah, sure. H-how long will she be gone?’

  ‘That’s the thing. She’ll be away for around three weeks. But if there’s a problem—’

  ‘No… no problem. I’m happy to help. Just let me know when to pick her up.’

  ‘Okay. Or we may drop her off at your house.’

  ‘Yeah… yeah, whatever’s easiest.’

  ‘Thank you so much, Gregory. It’ll be a weight off her mind knowing little Ruby will be cared for.’

  ‘No worries. Bye, Renee.’

  ‘Bye, dear. And thank you.’

  I hung up and slumped onto the couch, dropping my head into my hands.

  *

  On the Monday morning, the day after I’d given Mallory the get-out she needed from her guilt, and the day after I found out that she’d be leaving for three weeks, I suddenly realised I was sitting there in my lounge with tear tracks down my face as A Perfect Circle’s Maynard Keenan sang ‘3 Libras’. He was talking about feeling invisible and expecting too much from people who are broken, and regardless how the lyrics seemed to fit my situation I also realised in that moment it was time to get out of the house. What the hell was I doing with my life? Mourning in one breath and going doe-eyed over someone who I couldn’t have was the resounding answer. I needed to stop wallowing.

  I spent most of Monday and part of Tuesday working out on the boat. An influx of tourists had arrived with the improved temperatures, and being out there on the water had a calming effect on me. I’d watched the comings and goings over at Mallory’s house from a distance but I’d left her alone. It hadn’t been easy, seeing as I seemed to be bloody drawn to the woman. And I was thankful that she hadn’t had any shifts with me at the pub. The time apart, however short, had done me good. Or so I kept repeating over and over in my head, like a mantra.

  The tourists had been mainly Americans on a coaching holiday in Scotland. The majority of them were over sixty-five, and I think most of the women wanted to adopt me. I lost count of the number of times I was called ‘sugar’ or ‘handsome’ and found myself laughing along with the old dears on more than one occasion. Thankfully the seals were on top form and so the cameras were out in force, snapping away whilst I waxed lyrical about the location and its natural beauty. A new vista lay around every corner and each season brought its own colours and changes. How could anyone want to live elsewhere?

  I just bloody loved the place and couldn’t hide the fact. Or at least I had before Mallory had showed up and stolen what was left of my smashed-up heart. I was torn between running away and staying put to see what happened. And besides, the thought of not being near her was not one I contemplated with ease. Although for the next few weeks it was going to be something I had to face.

  On Tuesday evening I left the boat after a successful day and went for a walk. The weather was lovely and I was making my way to the bridge to catch the stunning view as the sunlight danced on the surface of the Atlantic Ocean in the distance. It was one of my favourite views.

  I spotted Mallory struggling with bags and bags of shopping, and before I could think or stop myself I was making my way towards her.

  ‘Hi, matey. You seem to have been busy today.’

  ‘Yes, I have. I think I’ve bought most of Oban. I only went for essentials.’ She cringed and her cheeks turned pink.

  ‘Are they for your trip?’ I asked, trying to sound happy but failing miserably.

  ‘Yes, they are.’ Her face brightened and she smiled widely. ‘Oh, by the way, thanks so much for agreeing to have Rubes. She and Angus will have fun. You coming in for a coffee?’

  ‘Aye, why not – as long as I can make it? You can do me a fashion show if you like.’ What the hell am I doing?

  ‘Oh, I don’t think that’s necessary. You’d be bored. I only got jeans and tops. Apart from one dress that I couldn’t resist.’

  Following her into the house, I didn’t give up. ‘Tell you what, you go put that lot somewhere and try your dress on. Maybe you need a second opinion, eh? I’ll make the coffee. Your coffee’s not as good as mine anyway.’

  ‘Cheeky. Okay, if you’re sure.’ She picked up the bags and headed for the stairs.

  ‘Oh. I’m positive. It’s the worst coffee I’ve tasted.’

  She smirked at me but tried to hide her amusement. ‘I meant about the dress, you cheeky sod.’ Sticking out her tongue at me, she took her bags away to her room.

  Chuckling to myself, I went into the kitchen and filled the kettle. Opening the coffee canister, I gagged at the smell of the powdery shit inside. I really needed to educate the girl. But for now, I’d put up with the ghastly stuff. Pulling down a couple of mugs, I spooned in the greyish-brown granules that looked more like instant gravy powder than coffee.

  I heard, ‘Tadaaaaaa!’ and I swung round. My heart leapt and my eyes bugged out of my head. She stood there in a fitted red dress that hugged her every curve the way I wanted to. Suddenly I was envious of the thing. She looked stunning. There was no other word for her.

  Stunning.

  Without speaking a word, I trailed my gaze down her body to the black strappy sandals adorning her pretty feet and I swallowed hard. A familiar surge of blood southwards had hampered my thinking process, and I realised she had drawn her arms around her body self-consciously.

  ‘Oh, God, I look ridiculous, don’t I? I knew I shouldn’t have shopped alone. I always make stupid decisions.’


  My eyes snapped up to meet hers, which were now filled with regret. Say something, you tit. Anything. Use your fucking words, McBradden! ‘Ah, no, no… ah… Mallory… you look… I mean… you’re… um… wow.’ Well done, you arse.

  ‘Is that good wow or wow I can’t believe you were so stupid?’

  My brain fought to respond to her question. ‘Erm, I’d say it’s a good wow… definitely good.’ Oh God, I have to leave. This was a bad idea. I can’t be here. I backed away from the kitchen and began to walk towards the front door. ‘Anyway, I should go. I’ve remembered I need to… ah… goodnight.’ I slammed the door behind me and took a very deep breath, running my hands through my hair.

  Looking down at the bulge in my pants, I hissed, ‘And you didn’t bloody help, did you? One track mind, you’ve got. Well, of course you have, you’re a penis, but that’s not the point!’

  I stormed across to the pub and straight into the men’s room. Closing the door on a cubicle, I sat on the toilet lid and rested my head in my hands. Images of Mallory sprang to mind to torture me, and I smacked myself in the forehead to try and get them out. I was acting like a sodding lunatic!

  I groaned as I remembered the way the slinky red fabric had grazed her full breasts and swept over the curves of her hips. She had the perfect hourglass figure and all I could think about was running my hands down her body as she lay naked in my arms. To see her gaze up at me longingly and lovingly… Argh! Stop it!

  I have no clue how long I sat there, but after splashing my face with cold water and making my second brain calm down, I went and sat at the bar. I was due to start at 7.30 p.m. but she was going to be there too. Shit! I needed to get away. In some way I knew I was overreacting but it didn’t matter. Seeing her was something I couldn’t face right now, and putting miles between us seemed the most logical thing to do. Irrational maybe, but still a logical solution in my head. If I couldn’t see her, I couldn’t feel things I didn’t want to feel… Okay, so that wasn’t strictly true… I could still think – but at least I wouldn’t have to see her as well.