A Year of Finding Happiness

by Lisa Hobman

  My eyes began to sting as I compared my loss to Mallory’s. It hit home yet again how much we had in common. We were a pair of broken souls with pieces missing and neither of us truly knew if the holes inside us would ever heal. I felt a familiar tightening in my chest and cleared my throat again, dropping my gaze back to the road before me.

  I wanted so much for this all to be okay. I’d never planned a party for someone else before, and I still didn’t know Mallory all that well, but… Well, there was a hell of a lot riding on this. Mainly my friendship with Mallory. Because that was what this was… a friendship. Wasn’t it? My train of thought scared me again. Why would I question my feelings? This was a friendship. Of course it bloody was. Gah! I needed to stop thinking and just get on with it. I climbed in the Landy and set off.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  A few minutes later I arrived outside Mallory’s house and climbed out of the car clutching the bunch of helium balloons I’d bought especially with Thirty Today plastered all over them. I hoped she wasn’t one of these women who hated everyone knowing her age, but I figured it was a bit late now. Just like me to worry about shutting the stable door after the horse had already done a runner.

  I paused a while to take in the view around me of the lush green trees over on the mainland and the sunlight glinting off the water in the Atlantic inlet. Then up the lane towards the bridge; the stonework always glowed warmly at this time of day, its rugged surface taking on the appearance of velvet. Such a beautiful place.

  After a calming breath I knocked on the door. I knew she would be in as Stella had given her the day off and insisted she relax and pamper herself. But knowing what a big deal this day was to her, I wasn’t sure what kind of mood I’d find her in.

  She opened the door and when she saw me she tried to smile. But the smile didn’t light up her eyes as I’d seen before. Her eyes were… empty. Distant even. I knew I had to remedy that right away. I began to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ at the top of my voice in the flattest key I could come up with. I knew that the neighbours would hear me if they were about, but that just spurred me on. It sounded horrendous – and she burst into fits of giggles, grabbed my jacket, and tugged me into the house and almost off my feet. I couldn’t help but join in her laughter. It was always contagious when she laughed.

  ‘Come in, you nutter.’

  Once inside I let the balloons float up to the low ceiling and handed her the gift bag that I’d brought with me. Her eyes widened for a moment, but she shook her head slightly to rid whatever thought had sprung up. She peered into the bag and pulled out the first parcel. Ripping off the paper eagerly, she smiled at the pack of craft pens I’d bought for her.

  ‘Oh, Greg, that’s lovely. Thanks ever so much.’ She seemed genuinely touched.

  ‘There’s something else in there too,’ I told her as I pointed at the bag. She put her hand inside again and brought out the little black velvet box.

  ‘Oh,’ she whispered. Her gaze met mine and then dropped to the box. This happened a couple more times and I smiled at her surprised reaction. She opened it and gasped as she took out the silver chain with a Celtic pendant hanging from it.

  ‘It’s a Celtic knot,’ I informed her. ‘It’s the symbol for friendship.’ Suddenly my cheeks began to heat and I watched as her eyes became glassy and filled with emotion. No, no, don’t cry. Please don’t cry.

  ‘Oh, Greg, it’s beautiful.’ Suddenly her arms were around my neck and she was squeezing me so tight that I thought I might pass out. When she pulled away, her cheeks were flushed and she swallowed hard, keeping her gaze on mine. She stepped back and I mourned the loss of her closeness. Holding her had felt so good; right somehow. But yet again the guilt struck and I ran my hand through my hair, breaking eye contact and feeling awkward. I just couldn’t meet those blue eyes at that moment. I could easily have fallen in and drowned in them.

  ‘Here, put it on me,’ she said, holding out the chain to me. I obliged, sweeping her long, dark hair over one shoulder. My fingers grazed the skin at the nape of her neck and she shivered slightly. Her skin was so smooth and flawless and all I could think about was placing one kiss there, on her bare skin. Just one. But instead I fastened the necklace in place and pulled her hair around so that it fell in soft waves down her back. I tried to ignore the ache in my chest as she turned to face me.

  ‘Gorgeous,’ I whispered.

  And she really was.

  *

  We made arrangements for the barbie that I’d convinced Mallory we were having that evening, and she seemed to have cheered up plenty, which in turn made me happy. I left her with instructions to get dressed up for the ultimate, exclusive beach-dining experience. Of course she had no clue that she was going to be walking into a pub filled with her family and friends.

  I couldn’t wait.

  Later on at home, after I’d showered, towelled myself off, and trimmed my beard, I stood in front of my wardrobe in my fitted boxers with my hands on my hips. I wanted to make an effort as I did when I was playing. After all, I was playing.

  Angus watched me intently.

  ‘What do I wear, fella?’ I asked him.

  He wagged his tail in response.

  ‘Do I go with a shirt?’

  No wag.

  ‘A long-sleeved T-shirt?’

  Wag.

  Okay, that was that decision made. ‘Right… What colour, Angus? Black?

  No wag.

  ‘Okay, not black. Actually, you’re probably right. Black is depressing and this is a happy occasion. How about white?’

  Wag.

  ‘Great stuff. I should do this more often, eh? Let you make my important decisions for me.’

  Wag. He clearly agreed.

  ‘So how about my black jeans?’

  Wag, wag, wag.

  ‘Angus, you could give Gok Wan a run for his money, pal.’ I scratched his head as his long tongue lolled out of his mouth.

  After wardrobe guidance from my canine companion – remember what I keep saying about not judging me – I pulled on a white long-sleeved T-shirt and my favourite leather jacket with my black jeans. I slicked my hair back as best I could and decided I would have to do. She wasn’t going to find me attractive, so what did it matter? As long as I felt good, that would do; and Angus clearly approved, so all was well with the world.

  *

  At half seven I knocked on her door and she opened it as if she’d been eagerly awaiting my arrival. The thought made my insides knot up. I felt like a bloody teenage lad on prom night. I was greeted with the breathtaking sight of Mallory standing there in a long turquoise-and-black skirt and a V-neck T-shirt in the same turquoise. I could see a hint of cleavage and it made my mouth water. She looked very classy and more than a little bit sexy. I forgot how to speak for a few moments – all the blood that should’ve been in my head had descended south of my waistline. She asked if she looked okay and I just stared at her.

  Realising she had in fact asked me a question, I managed to say, ‘You look… great.’ And, boy, did she. I wanted to run my hand down the side of her just to feel the sweep of the inward curve of her waist. Shit! Thinking like that’s not helping the blood supply to your brain, you dick. Snapping myself out of the stupor, I suggested we go for a birthday drink over at the pub. Thankfully she agreed. Phew! So far so good, McBradden. Appears you’re not a complete tool after all.

  When we arrived at the pub, I opened the door and gestured for her to go in first. She made some comment about me being the perfect gentleman, but I was too scared to respond. What if she didn’t like what was coming? My heart was in my throat and I felt as if I might puke it up at any second.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  ‘SURPRISE!’ everyone shouted in unison. It was deafening, as the pub was packed with people.

  I stood there, leaning on the door frame with my arms folded, and watched as the shock registered on her beautiful face. Cameras flashed and party poppers exploded, covering Mallory in streams o
f silver, gold, and pastel-coloured paper. Grinning to myself, I took in the sight of her happiness and knew then and there that I’d done the right thing. But I also knew then and there that my heart would never be the same again.

  I was falling.

  Fuck it, who was I kidding? It was too late. I already had. Past tense.

  She turned to meet my eyes, hers narrowed suspiciously, and pointed at me. ‘You knew?’

  I chuckled as I held up my thumb and finger. ‘Little bit.’

  Josie appeared and Mallory burst into tears of happiness. I heard her exclaim, ‘But… but you rang! You weren’t coming!’

  A teary-eyed Josie, in true Josie form, shouted back, ‘You daft cow! Do you think I’d miss this? Not a chance. We were always going to be here, but we were the first people Greg rang when he decided to plan this thing.’

  I saw Mallory cover her mouth but I didn’t catch what she said as she was scooped up in a group hug by her adopted Canadian family. Even the new addition to the family, a cute baby boy, had made the journey. More and more people surrounded her, and I took that as my cue to stop staring and grab a drink. The nerves had started jangling, seeing as it was soon time for the next part of my surprise for Mallory.

  Stella poured me a whisky without my needing to ask. ‘How are you doing, Gregory?’

  ‘I’m bloody terrified. What the hell’s wrong with me? I’m a grown man.’

  ‘Nerves can apply to anyone. And it only means that you care.’

  ‘Aye, well, not in the way you think,’ I lied.

  She gave me a knowing smile and shook her head. ‘Are you ready to go on?’

  ‘Just give me a while to calm my nerves and I will be.’

  ‘Well, don’t be getting drunk and spoiling it. I know what you get like, remember?’

  I grimaced in disgust at her accusation. It didn’t matter that it was true. ‘As if I would spoil that lassie’s birthday. Pah!’ Ignoring my own rule of not drinking alcohol before a performance, I drained the glass and edged through the crowd to take my place behind the mic.

  ‘Evening, party people!’ I searched the room, looking for the birthday girl, and spotted her giggling away with her best friend. ‘Well, we’re all here tonight to celebrate the fact that Mallory is, and I quote, “getting old”.’ Everyone laughed and turned to face her. She went bright red and I couldn’t help laughing. I’ll pay for that later, no doubt. ‘I reckon the first number tonight requires a bit of audience participation. Which, as you may know, is not something I usually encourage. You all know the words and this time you can sing along!’ A cheer erupted around the room as I began to play the opening bars of ‘Happy Birthday’.

  Mallory’s grin told me she was having a whale of a time, and that made me all warm and fuzzy inside – or it could’ve been the whisky, or maybe both. Anyway, when the raucous rendition of the birthday classic had ended, she turned to me and mouthed the words thank you and I responded with a smile and you’re welcome. The urge to hug her came over me again but I fought it down.

  ‘Right, that’s enough of you lot singing! It’s my turn now, and you know what I always say?’

  ‘DON’T BLOODY SING ALONG!’ Everyone shouted together, and Mallory threw her head back with laughter once more. Mallory laughing was the best sight I’d witnessed in a very long time.

  I nodded vigorously at the bar full of people. ‘Aye, that’s right, and don’t you forget it.’

  I serenaded the crowd with songs from the likes of Nirvana, Foo Fighters, Oasis, Fleetwood Mac, Hozier and Pearl Jam to name but a few. Dougie Maclean’s ‘Caledonia’ had a few folks weeping – not surprising, seeing as it had that effect on me sometimes too.

  Taking a break, I went over to grab the birthday girl. ‘Can I buy you a drink?’ I shouted over the noise of the crowd and the jukebox that Stella had switched on.

  ‘I’ll have my usual, please.’ She smiled knowingly. But I wasn’t going to rib her about her drink choice. Not tonight. When I brought her drink back, ‘Hi Ho Silver Lining’ began to play and Mallory screamed.

  ‘Ooooh, I love this song! We’ve got to dance!’

  I threw my head back and guffawed at her enthusiasm. ‘Aye, okay, birthday girl.’ Well, I couldn’t not dance with her on her birthday now, could I? I slipped my arm around her waist and we took the pose of a ballroom dancing couple, except she was singing so loud I could hardly dance for laughing. I spun her round and the whole pub joined us with the chorus. Her blue eyes sparkled. There was life in them again. And the fact that I’d helped to put it there made my eyes sting with unshed tears.

  As the song was ending she hugged me fiercely and said, ‘Thank you, Greg,’ right into my ear.

  A shiver travelled down my back and I gazed into her eyes. For a brief moment she gazed back at me, a ghost of a smile on her full lips. But the spell was quickly broken when Josie grabbed her.

  ‘Give her back, Greggy-weggy! Go sing some more!’

  I took my place at the mic once more and grabbed Rhiannon. Starting up again, I watched as Mallory was hugged by more people. The folks in the village adored her. And why wouldn’t they?

  Despite my requests for no bloody singing, every fucker was at it. I laughed despite myself. There was nothing more hilarious than a room full of drunkards trying to sing Neil Diamond’s ‘I am, I said’. I dedicated a very apt song to Mallory that really grabbed her attention. Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Don’t Stop’ seemed to say things to her that I wanted to say myself. But they did it so much better than I ever could. I did my best to put every ounce of sincerity I was feeling into what I was singing, and her responding smile told me I’d done my job.

  She was presented with a delicious-looking birthday cake thanks to Colin and Chrissy, and she blew out the single candle with a childish grin on her face. The night was drawing to a close and so I decided to try and calm things down a little. No mean feat, I can tell you.

  ‘Well, I’m hoping the birthday girl has had as wonderful a night as the rest of us, eh? It’s been great to have you all here. But I have to say, when it comes to singing, don’t go giving up your day jobs. Leave it to the professionals. Know what I’m saying?’ The fuckers booed me! They booed and heckled! I shrugged, knowing I was damn right.

  ‘I’ll finish tonight with another of Mally’s favourites, and I have to say that it’s grown on me this week whilst I’ve been practising it. It’s by a bloke with an interesting name, if nothing else. He’s a mighty talented guitarist, not unlike myself.’ Groans greeted me this time. ‘Okay, okay. He’s a young guy called Newton Faulkner, and this is a beautiful song for a beautiful… ah… friend, and it goes like this.’

  Shit, I nearly slipped up there. I tapped on my guitar and strummed the intro to ‘Dream Catch Me’. It wasn’t a song I’d been that familiar with until Josie had mentioned it to me, but I have to say that the more I listened to the lyrics, the more they resonated within me. There was one particular line that rang oh, so true; and if you know the song, I bet you can guess. You know, the one where the singer can’t quite believe what’s happening? Aye… that one.

  My eyes found Mallory’s just as I sang that one line and they locked on. I couldn’t look away. She stared back at me and swallowed before her lips parted as she kept her gaze fixed on me. Fuck. What am I doing? The spell was quickly broken, when her best friend slipped her arms around her shoulders and whispered something into her ear. Whatever it was, Mallory didn’t like it, and her gaze dropped to the floor. Great.

  The pub gradually began to empty and people said their goodbyes. I made my way over to where Mallory was hugging Ron and thanking him for coming. As he walked past me, he patted my arm and winked. He obviously was proud of me for the successful night, and it felt grand.

  Mallory lingered. Looking her up and down, I shook my head. ‘Och, shit, Mallory, you’re looking old now, you know.’ She hit my arm and I pretended to fall. ‘Have you had a good time?’

  ‘The best. Thanks so much for doing this for me,
Greg. It was so sweet of you.’ She blushed, which was really cute. But then again, everything she bloody did was cute.

  ‘No bother. That’s what friends do. And like I said, it’s my fortieth in a wee while,’ I reminded her, wiggling my eyebrows. It was a couple of years away, but no harm in getting in early, eh?

  ‘Well, I’m guessing you won’t let me forget that.’

  ‘Am I allowed to hug you?’ I asked her with open arms. ‘I think I made a total balls-up of the last time I hugged you. You know? The incident I now like to call “Chalkboard-gate”. I cringe whenever I think about it. What a complete spanner.’ I felt like a total prick, actually, but I was trying to curb my language. She stepped into my embrace and I squeezed her to me for a moment. Not wanting to hold on too long for obvious reasons – i.e. my growing bloody feelings – I let her go.

  ‘Thanks again, Greg. You are a really good friend,’ she said, staring right into my eyes. Okay, message received loud and clear.

  My heart sank a little but I forced a smile. ‘Aye, you’re not so bad yourself, matey.’ She reached up and kissed my cheek, pausing a little, and I could have sworn she smelled me. I mean, she inhaled as her nose was by my face, but I got the distinct impression it was deliberate.

  A tiny seed of hope began to grow inside me.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  When I arrived home after the party, I was buzzing. There was no way I was going to sleep right away. The whole thing had been a massive success, and I couldn’t have been happier. Mallory had laughed, danced, and sung. She’d practically glowed all night and as I sat there replaying the evening over in my mind, I couldn’t help the smile that crept over my face. Lying back on the couch with Angus at my feet, I closed my eyes and was taken back to the party.

  I caught sight of the sequins on her skirt and shoes sparkling in the dim, atmospheric lighting of the pub. The fabric billowed out as she spun around and I was mesmerised. The T-shirt she wore hugged her breasts beautifully, and I wondered if they were as gorgeous in the flesh as they looked under the taut turquoise fabric.