A Year of Finding Happiness

by Lisa Hobman

  ‘Um… I’d better go and… um… put this somewhere safe,’ I mumbled, picking up the board and walking through to the back. I heard Mallory and Ron chuckling as I left. Great, now I’m a sodding laughing stock. Just great. Placing the board down, loosely rewrapped in the scraps of brown paper, I took a few deep breaths and calmed myself. It had felt so good to hold someone again. It wasn’t that it was Mallory. No… it was just that feeling of connection… Oh, fuck it, who am I trying to kid here? It was her. Anger replaced the niggle of guilt and I clenched my fist and my jaw simultaneously; angry that my body had reacted that way towards her. God, what she does to me! I’m supposed to be trying to be her friend, for goodness’ sake. Once I was back to my normal self again, I went back through to the bar.

  I clapped my hands together, making Mallory jump, and I couldn’t stop myself from laughing at her startled expression. Plastering as much seriousness on my face as I could, I said, ‘Okay, bar school lesson one…’

  She picked up how to use the cash register very quickly and before long she was a dab hand at it. Shorts were a doddle too. I was impressed with how easy she was picking things up. Not that bar work is akin to rocket science, but she was a natural. Well, that was until it came to pulling a pint.

  Showing Mallory how to pull a pint was not the easiest thing I’ve ever done. But it did make me laugh. She kept growling at her initial attempts and I had to fight to keep my face straight. Ron kept on shaking his head and rolling his eyes, which didn’t really help.

  ‘Arrgh! Too much bloody froth,’ she exclaimed at the glass of foam she’d placed on the bar.

  ‘It’s called a head,’ I informed her with a smirk.

  Scowling at me, she tried again. This time the glass was filled to the brim with just beer. ‘Awww… not enough froth this time.’

  ‘Head, Mallory.’

  She laughed this time and I couldn’t help joining in. I showed her once more how to tilt the glass so that enough ‘froth’ formed on the top. Her next attempt was much improved, and so Ron and I gave her a round of applause, making her blush.

  Despite their failure to look like proper pints, Ron eyed up the line of beers Mallory had pulled. I gestured for him to help himself, and his eyes lit up as if he’d won the lottery.

  It was time for her to get stuck in and start serving patrons. After dealing with the first lot of customers, she had a huge grin on her face and Ron and I applauded her again. Ron told her she was a natural, and you’d have thought he’d told her she’d won the Pull-itzer prize – see what I did there? – with the smile she wore for the rest of the night. Fitting in was clearly very important to her, and I was really pleased that I’d pushed her into the job.

  Whilst Mallory served customers, it was time to try and put my plan into action. I went through to the back and spotted her bag. What I was about to do was something that, if I were caught, could get me into shitloads of trouble, but I justified it by telling myself I was doing it for Mallory. My heart thundered in my chest and I felt sure the whole bloody pub could hear it. I slipped my hand into her bag and grabbed her phone. Luckily it wasn’t locked with a code, and so I rifled through her contacts until I found Josie’s number. I quickly entered it into my phone and put hers back. I would ring Josie and get the other numbers I needed from her… hopefully – as long as she didn’t think I was some bloody crazed stalker. Shit. I hadn’t really thought it through.

  At the end of the night I congratulated Mallory on a job well done, and she left the pub with a huge smile that I’d helped to put there. I was so proud of her for taking this step. She was brave to have accepted a new job in a new town with no one to go home and share things with, and I wished I could’ve told her so without it coming out like patronisation. But I kept my mouth shut just in case.

  I was learning.

  *

  That night when I got home I gulped down a wee dram of Dutch courage, switched on my iPod to some random playlist and grabbed my phone. I sat down on the couch with a huff and hit dial on Josie’s number but immediately hung up.

  What the hell was I thinking?

  People who’ve just lost loved ones don’t want bloody parties, you tit.

  I thought back to the day I’d heard the dreaded words that told me my life, as I knew it, was over. Would I have wanted someone to throw a party for me? Absolutely no bloody way. As I thought back to that day my heart lurched and the emotions came flooding back. The pain; the anger; the utter desolation tore at my heart all over again and I squeezed my eyes shut trying to calm my breathing as my blood rushed a little too quickly around my body.

  I stood and paced the room, passing the framed photos of Mairi on the mantel. I stopped directly in front of one and jabbed a pointed finger at it. ‘You left me. You couldn’t just be happy here with me, could you? You just had to go off and challenge yourself.’ I shook my head and briefly clenched my eyes closed again. ‘Jeez, what I would give to have a second chance to talk to you. To tell you no, you can’t bloody go. You can’t leave me, Mairi.’ My lip trembled and my eyes began to sting. ‘I wasn’t enough for you, was I? Eh?’

  I lowered my gaze from her happy, smiling expression. Why was I shouting at a ghost? This was all on me. I was the one angry for having feelings for another woman, regardless of how trivial the feelings were. I fancied her. That was it, for God’s sake. I wasn’t about to bloody propose.

  Raising my face once more, I reached out and touched the photograph and my throat tightened. ‘I just miss you. And I don’t know how to move on. Are you up there, somewhere, watching me muck things up? Eh? Are you angry with me for finding someone attractive? I’m just a man, Mairi. A lonely one at that. And I’ve spent months being a shit to my friends. And that poor wee lassie needs friends. I just want to do something kind. I used to be kind. Didn’t I?’

  I stared at my phone. Should I sleep on it? Should I just not do it? I growled out loud and stared up at the ceiling as if the answers would magically appear there; or perhaps some divine inspiration would shine down on me. Right on cue I heard the opening bars to the Beatles’ ‘With a Little Help from My Friends’ and my heart skipped. I gasped and shook my head. Bloody hell. Shitting, bloody flipping hell.

  I glanced back at the photo of Mairi and laughed out loud, blinking through a fog of tears. ‘Okay, I’ll do it. But if it all goes wrong I’m blaming you.’

  After another wee dram I sat again, phone in hand, and took a deep breath. After dialling Josie’s number, I sat there drumming my fingers on my knee, waiting for her to answer.

  ‘Hello?’ She sounded confused. And then I realised that my number would have shown up with no name. Maybe I should’ve texted first.

  ‘Erm… Hi, Josie?’

  ‘Who is this?’ came the terse reply.

  ‘It’s… it’s Greg, from Scotland. The bloke from the pub?’

  ‘Oh, right. What’s up, Greg? Is Mallory okay?’ I could hear the panic in her voice.

  ‘Oh, aye. Yeah, she’s fine. Look, sorry it’s late but I’m ringing to ask you a huge favour.’

  ‘Right.’ She paused and I felt sure I could hear the cogs whirring in her brain. ‘Okay, go for it.’

  I took a deep breath and cleared my throat. ‘So… it’s Mallory’s thirtieth birthday next month, and you and I both know she’s had it rough lately. So I wanted to do something nice. I thought maybe a surprise party?’

  ‘Really? You’d do that for Mallory?’

  ‘Yes. She and I didn’t get off to the best start and… I really want to make it up to her.’

  A sniffling sound came down the line. ‘That’s so sweet, Greg. Thank you.’

  ‘Are you crying?’ Yorkshire women and I were obviously a bad combination.

  ‘A little. But only because I can’t quite believe how sweet you’re being. If I’m honest, I thought you were a grumpy-arsed sod at first, but… well, I take it all back.’

  Charming! Although she did have a point. I’d kind of disappeared up my own arse si
nce Mairi had died, so Josie and Mallory had only met the me that presented myself as just that. A grumpy arse.

  I forced a laugh. ‘I’ll take that as a compliment.’

  ‘Sorry if I sounded harsh. So, what do you need from me?’

  I went on to ask for a list of Mallory’s favourite songs, which Josie duly gave to me. I was thankful that she had such good taste and I wasn’t going to have to sit there and sing some bubble-gum boy-band shite. Next she gave me the number for Sam’s mother, Renee, in Canada and a list of Mallory’s favourite foods. The more we chatted, the giddier she got. But the next thing I had to ask stopped her joviality dead.

  ‘You want me to do what?’ The sound of incredulity wasn’t lost on me.

  ‘I know it sounds like a shitty thing to do. But if she thinks you’re not coming, I can muscle in and make some fake arrangements to take her out for her birthday.’

  ‘No way! You can’t ask me to call her up and upset her like that. What am I supposed to say? Oh, hi, Mally, I’m your best friend in the whole world, but I’ve decided I can’t be arsed to come up for your first milestone birthday since Sam died. Yeah, I’m sure that’ll go down really well.’

  Okay, I’d really pissed her off.

  I cringed. ‘I know it seems cruel, but think about it. If she knows you’re coming, she’ll want to make plans to stay in with wine and a takeaway or something. You’d never get her out of the house.’

  She sighed. ‘You have a point, I suppose.’

  ‘I do. And I promise she will know that I made you do it when this is all done. I promise you that, Josie.’

  There was a silent pause, and I was sure she was going to tell me to sod off. ‘Okay. I’ll do it.’ The reluctance in her voice almost deafened me. ‘But I’ll have to ring her when she’ll be out and leave a message. I can’t lie to her, Greg. She’ll be heartbroken.’

  I silently thrust a triumphant fist into the air. ‘Like I said, it’s all for the right reason and she’ll know that it was all me.’

  ‘Okay. But if she rings me sobbing, I’ll tell her everything,’ she warned.

  ‘She won’t. I’ll make sure you don’t have to lie for me.’

  ‘Fine. Let me know if there’s anything else you need me to do. You know, kidnap Ruby, set fire to her photos, tell her she’s ugly.’

  I rolled my eyes in spite of the fact she couldn’t see me. ‘Funny.’

  ‘Hmm. I’m not amused. Bye, Greg.’

  ‘Bye, Josie.’

  ‘Oh, and, Greg?’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Don’t have any expectations of her, okay? She needs friends right now. That’s all.’

  ‘Josie, I can assure you my intentions are purely platonic. I just want to make her smile.’

  ‘Okay.’ She wasn’t convinced – it was clear in her voice. And if I was completely honest with myself, I wasn’t either.

  Chapter Twenty-one

  Armed with a list of Mallory’s favourite songs and musicians, I began to practise them as soon as I had some free time. Oasis, Neil Diamond, and Newton Faulkner amongst others. A very eclectic list and I loved that. It was fun to be learning new tracks, especially with the end goal in mind. It felt so good to have a purpose that didn’t involve alcohol for once.

  I’d spoken to Renee and had secretly made arrangements for her Canadian family to come over. I was happy that they thought so highly of her that they would drop everything and jump on a plane like that. Things were going great, and I could hardly contain my excitement.

  There was a week to go to Mallory’s birthday, and she was working the bar whilst I played my third gig. The second one had gone really well, and Mallory’s chalkboard had worked wonders. The third one was no different. The place was buzzing and I was quaking in my boots. Standing at the bar, I nervously guzzled down my drink. Cola. Singing on whisky always dried my throat out.

  Mallory watched me intently. ‘You look terrified. What’s up?’

  ‘Ah, nothing. I always get like this before I go on. Goodness knows why. I’m a grown man.’

  ‘Age has nothing to do with it. We all get nervous, Greg. You’ll be fine.’ Her words of encouragement spurred me on and I took my place behind the mic. My nerves were a little calmer and I glanced over at Mallory as she smiled back at me with her thumbs up.

  I returned her smile and then focused my attention on the crowd. ‘Evening, all, anyone would think something was going on with all of yous turning up tonight. As always, I’ll steer clear of my own stuff – but be warned, one of these days I’m going to sneak one in when you’re not looking.’ The folks in the pub laughed and I relaxed a little more. ‘Don’t forget, no singing along, it puts me off and yous lot can’t sing anyway.’ The retorts and heckling made me laugh.

  My first song was special. It was for Mallory. She and I somehow had forged a friendship, and it was a beautiful thing. ‘Right, this first song is a wee bit obscure, but I love it so tough. It’s by a band called Nirvana that takes me back to my younger days. I’d like to dedicate this to someone who I think I can now class as a good mate. This is “About a Girl”.’

  I began to strum with my eyes closed and when I opened them and glanced over, Mallory was dancing and with a stunning smile on her face, and I felt amazing.

  At the end of the night all I wanted to do was talk to Mallory and find out what she thought of my set, but I was swamped. A group of women of all ages caged me in. Asking for my autograph and my number. I was shocked. And flattered. Being treated like a rock star made a change from being seen as the grumpy git. When the ladies eventually let me be, I made my way over to the bar.

  ‘Get you with your groupies,’ Mallory joked when I stopped in front of her.

  ‘Aye, they cannae resist,’ I joked. ‘What did you think tonight, matey?’

  She smiled but it was rapidly followed by a frown. ‘I thought it was a bit rubbish, really.’

  Bollocks. That wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

  A grin pulled at her mouth. ‘God, for someone who doesn’t get offended easily, you get offended… easily!’ She threw a bar towel at me. ‘You were fab as always, you numpty.’ She was the only bloody person who’d ever rattled my cage that way, and it was a little disconcerting.

  She said that she especially liked the Nirvana track, and I ribbed her about her young age. When I offered to walk her across home, she ribbed me about my groupies again, joking that they might lynch her if they saw us together. The banter we were sharing was fun. It was good craic, and ours was beginning to feel like a real friendship. Knowing this, however, had me worrying that she wouldn’t stick around and that I’d miss her terribly if she chose to leave.

  When we arrived at Sealladh-mara Cottage we were greeted by an excited little ball of black fluff. Ruby was making a high-pitched yipping noise as if she hadn’t seen her owner for weeks. I glanced over to the answering machine, where I noticed there was a message. Mallory had gone through to the kitchen to make coffee, and so I shouted to let her know.

  She brought the coffee back through and after placing it down, she hit play on the machine.

  ‘Oh, hi, Mally. It’s Josie. Look… I’m really sorry, but we can’t make it up for your birthday. Brad has a lot on with his latest job and we just won’t get the time to come up. I’m sure you’ll understand, babe. I’ll ring you later. Love you! Bye-bye.’

  I swallowed hard and glanced over at her. She looked broken and I felt like a total bastard. After the fun of the night and how great things had been, I’d inadvertently shit on her from a great height. Well done, McBradden, you tosser.

  Sitting beside her on the couch, I draped my arm around her shoulders. ‘Don’t worry. We’ll still have a laugh. I’ll keep you entertained.’ She didn’t respond and so I nudged her. ‘Look, we’ll have drink at the pub and then take a bucket barbie onto the beach and I’ll cook a steak, eh?’

  She was on the verge of tears but she tried to smile. My heart broke. After a thoughtful pause, she nodded emphaticall
y. ‘Yes, thanks, Greg, I appreciate it.’

  I knew I had a hell of a lot of making up to do for the upset I’d caused her, but at least Operation Make Mallory Smile was working so far. I would be taking her to the beach, so she thought. I just hoped I hadn’t made a huge mistake.

  *

  Mallory’s birthday arrived and thankfully it was a bright June day. Taking that as a good sign, I stood in my garden ready to go down and wish the birthday girl many happy returns of the day when I stopped and glanced up at the sky. I didn’t know what I believed in as far as heaven was concerned, but I hoped it existed and that Sam was okay with what I was doing for his woman.

  I glanced around my road to make sure no one was within earshot. I didn’t want anyone to hear or see what I was about to do. If they saw, chances were they’d think I was a few beer bottles short of a brewery. I had no idea why, but I felt compelled to do it. I cleared my throat, as if it would make a difference.

  Looking up into the blue, I began to speak. ‘Sam… mate. I know I never met you. But I know for a fact that you’d rather be here right now with your beautiful girl than wherever you are.’ I felt my throat tighten and swallowed before I could continue. ‘I just wanted to say that… well, I hope it’s okay that I’ve arranged this party for her. I’m not trying to take your place, you know. I just… I know what she’s going through. How much she misses you. It’s the same way I feel about Mairi. It’s a pain so real that it can be all-consuming, but… because I understand that… because I lost my Mairi like Mallory lost you… I want to make your girl smile. Even if it only takes her mind off her grief for one night. I hope that’s okay. I really care for her, mate. She’s one of kind, is Mallory, and I can see why you loved her so much. Not that… not that I love her, you understand. Only as a friend. That’s all. But… well, I hope I have your blessing today.’