A Year of Finding Happiness

by Lisa Hobman

  ‘Must have been lovely.’ My voice came out as a whisper and I realised I had a stinging sensation behind my eyes.

  After another brief silence she lifted her gaze to meet mine. ‘Hey, how would you feel about doing something similar for Mairi?’

  I narrowed my eyes. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Well, we could get a few friends together and say a few words and maybe release balloons or lanterns for her?’

  I really wasn’t keen on having people around me. Despite keeping in touch with Mairi’s parents by phone, we didn’t really get along. I told her this, and the fact that Mairi’s friends had done a climb in memory of her already. There really wasn’t anyone to invite, even if I’d wanted to, and in all honesty it was strange and potentially hypocritical to consider doing such a thing with the thoughts I’d had about Mallory lately; although I couldn’t say that out loud.

  She took a step towards me, and her expression told me she was fighting with her emotions but I didn’t want her pity and I bristled a little.

  She shrugged. ‘Well, okay, you and I could do it.’

  Huh? Wow. I’d got her all wrong. Again. ‘You’d do that… for me?’

  A sweet smile arched her full lips. ‘I would… of course.’

  Regardless of my inner conflict I knew that a proper goodbye might help me. Perhaps that was why I was in this state of limbo: because the goodbye I’d said hadn’t felt complete. There was no real closure. And Mallory was trying to be the friend I was failing to be. Add to all of that the fact that I had to get my head on straight where Mallory was concerned, maybe this was an opportunity to draw that much-needed line in the sand? Perhaps if I did this with Mallory our friendship would be cemented and I could stop fantasising about things that would never happen?

  ‘When could we do it? You and me? And where?’ The words fell from my mouth as if I had no control over them. Okay, so it appeared my subconscious was on board. The two of us. Candle lanterns. A proper goodbye for Mairi. And this time it would mean something for me. Unlike the one her friends held.

  ‘Whenever and wherever you feel ready,’ she said.

  ‘How about on my birthday?’ I smiled, filled with hope. It was a lovely idea and I wanted to hug her. But I didn’t dare move.

  ‘That’s fine by me.’

  I was now grinning like an idiot and I didn’t care. I hadn’t had a friend to suggest something like this until now, and for some reason the little ceremony sounded perfect. Cathartic somehow. Maybe the nightmares would stop? ‘Great. I’ll just write a few words and we’ll get some lanterns to release. Leave it with me. You can speak too if you like.’

  Mallory shook her head. ‘Hang on, though. Wouldn’t you prefer to have your friends at your birthday? Maybe the memorial should wait until after you’ve celebrated.’

  Stepping towards her, I placed my hand on her shoulder and gazed into her mesmerising, clear blue eyes. ‘Mallory, you are my friends. The only friend who understands and the only friend I’m that bothered about spending my birthday with, anyway. It’s fine.’

  ‘Okay. Lovely. I’ll start planning when I get home.’ She took a long pull of her coffee. ‘So what have you been up to whilst I’ve been away?’

  I shrugged and shook my head. ‘Not much. Been working mostly.’ And thinking about you. Oh, and having sex dreams about you too. And crying… yeah, I’ve even cried over you. Thankfully those thoughts didn’t become words, but I glanced up at Mallory, whose head was cocked to one side quizzically. She’d obviously been watching my expression change as my train of thought veered off the tracks and plummeted down a ravine. I shook my head to dislodge the thoughts and smiled.

  She breathed in loudly and returned the smile before fumbling around in her pocket and pulling out a little white bag. ‘Right. Well, I’ll get Ruby home, then. Thanks again for looking after her. I really appreciate it. Oh… I bought you this. It’s not much. But I saw it and… well… thought of you.’

  I reached out and took the bag from her hand. Opening it, I pulled out a plaited leather wristband with a little silver tree charm hanging from it. There’s that stinging sensation again. Wimp.

  I swallowed and cleared my throat. ‘Thank you, Mallory. It’s… it’s beautiful.’

  Her cheeks coloured and she chewed the inside of her lower lip. ‘It’s not much. Just a little thank-you. It’s the tree of life. I figured we’d both had enough death in our lives.’

  She tugged at her sleeve and I noticed she was wearing an identical bracelet, but hers was purple leather. I know it probably sounds very girly and silly, but the fact that we owned matching bracelets made me feel a little warm and fuzzy. What can I say? She obviously brought the romantic out in me regardless of how pointless it was to feel that way.

  We shared an awkward silence and I gave her a stiff hug before she said goodbye and led Ruby out to her car.

  Chapter Thirty-two

  A couple of days later I was due to play at the pub again. Mallory was working and I’d decided to wear a new shirt I’d bought on a trip to Oban. It was white with a squiggly pattern that Stella later told me was called paisley. Look, I’m no fashion… wotsit… guru… expert thingy, all right? Anyway, I wanted to look nice. Not for Mallory, obviously. Okay, not just for Mallory.

  Okay, for Mallory.

  Speaking of the Yorkshire lass, she was behind the bar when I arrived and so I went over to say hi. She was wearing a grey dress that wrapped around her body and enhanced her cleavage but without looking slutty. She never looked slutty. Always very classy and sexy and never over the top.

  She placed a pint of Coke in front of me and smiled. ‘Looking very smart this evening, Mr McBradden.’

  ‘Why thank you, lassie. You don’t look too shabby yourself,’ I replied in my best Sean Connery voice and it made her giggle.

  She glanced down at the dress that hugged each curve delectably and I almost moaned as I watched her smooth it down her body as she smiled. ‘What, this old thing?’

  I shook my head and took a swig of my drink. ‘Actually, now you come to mention it, maybe you do look a bit shabby.’ I winked and she threw a damp bar towel at me. Luckily it narrowly missed my chest. ‘Oy! New shirt, Westerman!’

  She stuck out her tongue at me and of course it made me laugh. ‘So, what are you singing tonight?’

  I crumpled my nose. ‘Aw, nothing you’ll have heard of. You’re only a wee one.’

  Placing her hands on her hips, she pursed her lips for a moment. ‘An eight-year age gap does not make me less of an expert in music. Try me.’

  I loved her feisty side. ‘Okay… I’m going to do a little number by a guy called Jeff Buckley. ‘The song is “Hallelujah”,’ I told her, folding my arms across my chest and feeling sure she wouldn’t have a clue who he was.

  ‘Funny that. Grace is one of my favourite CDs of all time,’ she said with raised eyebrows.

  Could she get any more perfect? ‘Okay. I’m also doing “Is This Love” by Whitesnake.’ Surely she won’t know them.

  ‘Hmm, I used to have a poster of David Coverdale. My dad liked them and Deep Purple. And Rainbow, actually.’

  Oh. My. God. See… perfect.

  I opened and closed my mouth like the goldfish I seemed to impersonate regularly lately, and she smiled smugly.

  ‘Yeah… well… whatever,’ I retorted like a pathetic schoolboy.

  Throwing her head back, she roared with laughter, clearly knowing she’d won and that I’d given up trying to best her. I couldn’t help laughing too. She had the best laugh, after all, and it just happened to be bloody contagious.

  I walked over and took my place behind the mic. I began my set and for once the crowd in the pub was very well behaved and not singing along… much. Every so often I glanced over and saw Mallory jigging up and down and mouthing the words as she dried glasses or pulled pints. Why did such a simple thing give me the warm and fuzzies?

  I began to play the opening chords of “Is This Love” and closed my
eyes. Some might not have liked eighties rock with the hairspray and lip gloss that went with it, but some of the songs were really good. I’d been a sucker for Bon Jovi and Def Leppard in my younger days; my tastes had expanded, but there was always room in my heart for a bit of gravel and guitar. I opened my eyes and made an effort not to look over at Mallory in case she thought I was aiming the lyrics at her again.

  Call me paranoid.

  But when I sneaked a glance, I caught her out of the corner of my eye, leaning on the bar, staring in my direction with a faraway look in her eyes. When the song ended and the room erupted in applause, she almost jumped out of her skin. I smiled over at her and she joined the crowd, clapping her hands above her head.

  Beautiful, talented, great taste in music, and the sexiest curves I’d ever seen. I really was not helping myself.

  At the end of the gig I walked her over to her cottage and we chatted about the night and which songs were her favourites.

  When we reached her front door, she jangled the keys in her hand. ‘Want to come in for coffee?’ she asked.

  My heart screamed, Yes, yes, I want to come in, scoop you up in my arms, and kiss every inch of you.

  Where the hell did that come from?

  But thankfully my head was in charge – the one on my shoulders, that was – and so I shook my head, mock shivered, and pulled a face. ‘Eww! No, thanks. Did you not know you make the worst coffee ever?’

  She gasped, scrunched her brow, and slapped my arm. Hard. ‘Cheeky sod!’ she squeaked.

  I rubbed the sore patch on my bicep. ‘Ow! Look, friends should be honest with each other,’ I told her with a playful smirk.

  ‘Yeah? Well, you can’t sing.’

  I grabbed my chest as if she’d shot me and staggered back. Then I righted myself and shook my head.

  Wagging my finger at her, I said, ‘Now you know that’s a lie, Miss Westerman.’ She stuck her tongue out at me as usual and turned to open her door. Whilst she had her back to me I leaned in close and whispered in her ear, ‘You know it’s rude to stick out your tongue, don’t you? And you do it rather a lot. You’re so bad, I should take you over my knee.’ I was kidding around, but as soon as the words left my mouth, my first thought was, oh, shit that was stupid.

  She shivered and turned to face me. Her eyes widened when she realised how close I was. I immediately stepped back and rubbed the back of my neck with my hand, chewing my lip at the same time. ‘Sorry. I… I was just messing about.’

  Her lips turned up into a smile. ‘I’ll let you off. See you Saturday?’

  ‘Absolutely. See you Saturday. Night, Mallory.’ I turned and headed back up the lane and it took all my willpower not to punch myself in the face for such an idiotic move. How to fucking ruin a friendship in one easy step. Make a sweet girl like Mallory think you’re into fucking kinky shit like spanking. Clever.

  ‘Greg!’ Her voice echoed through the night air and I flinched. She was going to cancel Saturday. Shitty, shit fuck!

  I stopped and turned around. ‘Yeah?’

  ‘It was a lie. You can sing, and you were brilliant tonight,’ she called.

  A huge grin made its way slowly across my face and I shook my head, turned, and carried on walking, lifting my hand in a salute as I strode away. My heart skipped and my stomach twisted.

  Bang went any hopes of not dreaming about her now.

  Chapter Thirty-three

  By Saturday afternoon I was a nervous wreck. Of course I was looking forward to seeing Mallory, but the prospect of being upset in front of her didn’t fill me with glee. And there was no doubt that I’d get emotional, seeing as this was supposed to be both my birthday celebration and my official goodbye to Mairi.

  I questioned my sanity over agreeing to do such a thing:

  a) on my birthday, and

  b) with Mallory – the woman I clearly was in lust with.

  As I brushed my teeth I stared at the man in the mirror who had a distinct glint in his eye. I wanted to shout at him and tell him he had no right to be thinking about another woman in such a way. My heart was Mairi’s. I was betraying her by being so distracted. But as I rinsed my toothbrush a niggling voice from my subconscious told me, Mairi’s gone. You can’t live forever in the past. Life has to go on. You can’t stay still in an ever-changing world. Mairi wouldn’t want that.

  A shiver travelled the length of my spine and I leaned on the sink, gripping at the cool porcelain as my chest tightened and I lost my breath; just as I did whenever Mairi’s passing came back to me. She was gone and someday… someday, I would have to accept the fact that I was still a relatively young man in the great scheme of things and the rest of my life was hopefully going to be a long time – too long to spend it alone. And there was the fact that I’d always had dreams of becoming a father. That was something that couldn’t happen if I stayed so weighed down under a blanket of guilt and rooted in place. With a deep breath and a nod to the man in the mirror I summoned up the courage I needed and carried on getting myself ready.

  The weather was being kind and I was almost pissed off at the fact. At least if it’d been pissing down rain, I would’ve had a good excuse for backing out. But instead I donned my khakis and a shirt, grabbed my sunnies, and headed out of the door to call on my friend.

  Mallory opened the door with a wide smile on her face, and my breath caught in my throat. I cursed myself inwardly as my whole body reacted to the sight of her standing there in black trousers that apparently loved her curves as much as I did, judging by the way they caressed her. On top she wore a bluey-green long-sleeved top that accentuated the curve of her full breasts. I really will have to stop thinking like this.

  ‘Hi,’ she said as she slipped into a black denim jacket. ‘I’ve been thinking about this all morning, Greg. I wasn’t sure you’d show up, to be honest.’

  Is she a bloody mind-reader now? ‘Oh? Why’s that?’

  She shrugged. ‘I wondered if you’d think maybe I was overstepping a mark wanting to be involved when I never met Mairi. I thought perhaps I had been a little too intrusive.’

  I sighed. ‘Not intrusive. Thoughtful.’

  The expression on her face changed and a line appeared between her brows. ‘Are you sure you want to do this… with me?’

  I smiled, suddenly wanting this more than anything. ‘I’m sure.’

  She nodded decisively. ‘Come on, then. Let’s get going whilst the weather’s nice. You never can tell around here. It seems it can turn at a moment’s notice.’ She seemed giddy and my mood began calming too, the nerves dissipating.

  We loaded up the Landy and climbed in. I drove us the short distance to the beach and parked up. We carried the barbeque and supplies down onto the sand, which thankfully was empty apart from the two of us, and Mallory laid out the blanket whilst I lit the coals. I plonked myself down beside her and frowned as she handed me a small package wrapped in brown paper that had gold stars printed on it. I was absolutely bloody floored by the amount of thought she put into gifts and the fact that she was creative enough to make her own wrapping.

  ‘Awww, Mallory, what’s this, eh? You didn’t have to go and get me a gift, you daft lassie.’ I smiled though, secretly excited; I’d thought birthday gifts were a thing of the past now that Mairi was gone. I tore off the paper to find a sweet little painted wooden sign, complete with a tartan hanging ribbon. She’d made it especially for me. And just like the chalkboard, seeing it made me a tad emotional. Her thoughtfulness knew no bounds.

  Lifting up the plaque, I read aloud the wording, ‘“True friends are hard to find, thank goodness I found you.”’ My eyes became blurry as saltwater began to well in them. Another familiar occurrence lately. My lip trembled and I kind of lurched forward at her, grappling her into my arms, holding on for dear life. My heart hammered in my chest, and her perfume infiltrated my nostrils, transporting me into a brief fantasy of her gazing up from beneath my body. The scent of her made me think crazy shit like that. I pulled my face away
from her neck and searched her eyes for any spark that said she felt the same way I did – although I didn’t fully understand the way I felt. Her eyes sparkled as she smiled up at me.

  I cleared my mind and my throat before I spoke. ‘I couldn’t have dreamt of anything better, Mallory, it’s beautiful… thank you.’ She frowned for a split second and I swear I could feel her heart beating against mine as I held her close to me. I swallowed hard, desperate to kiss her. Knowing the feeling couldn’t be acted upon, I pulled away. ‘I… think the temperature should be about right now. Better get the food on, eh?’

  She seemed relieved that I had let her go and it saddened me. Friends, Greg. That’s all you are.

  As I placed the burgers on the rack and turned them, she began to quiz me about the lack of friends invited to our little gathering. I tried to explain that I didn’t really have friends on account of the ones like Connell, who had betrayed me by sleeping with my wife in my own fucking bed. Who needed friends like that? I told her that I’d rather keep myself to myself. But she was like a dog with a bone and didn’t give up digging.

  ‘But what about me?’ she asked with her head cocked to one side. Good question. What about her?

  I thought for a moment about how best to respond. After huffing out a breath I explained, ‘You’re different. Don’t ask me why, but I trust you. I don’t think you’d ever let me down. I get the feeling I would only ever lose you if I was the one who did the wrong thing.’ I gazed into her bright blue eyes, hoping that what I had said came across right.

  She smiled cheekily. ‘Hmm, better be on your best behaviour, then.’

  We chatted easily as we ate our food, and I was glad it all had turned out bloody delicious. I was impressed with myself and kept telling Mallory so. She muttered something about my modesty being endearing – sarcastic woman.