A Year of Finding Happiness

by Lisa Hobman

As night fell, the stars came out, dotted across the dark canvas of the sky in their clustered constellations. I glanced over at Mallory sitting next to me. Her eyes were focused up at the darkening sky too. A serene smile played on her lips and I thought to myself how good it felt to see her happy.

  She must have sensed me watching her, as she met my gaze and her smile faded. ‘Shall we go set the lanterns free?’

  I chewed on my lip. The thought of saying goodbye to Mairi once and for all made my heart ache. I wasn’t sure if I was ready yet. But knowing I had to move on I pushed myself up from the blanket and held my hand out to Mallory.

  I’d never done anything like this before so I was reluctant to speak in case I made an utter tit of myself. Mallory knew what she was doing and how these things went so, clearing my throat, I spoke. ‘Would you… you know… speak first? Please?’ She nodded and relief washed over me. We collected the lanterns and the tags we’d written and made our way down to the water’s edge. My heart began to pound again and a familiar lump in my throat made itself known to me. I blinked rapidly to try and stop the stinging sensation in my eyes and took a deep breath, preparing myself for what she was about to say.

  She lit her lantern and began to speak. ‘Mairi, you were a bright light in Greg’s life. You were a brave and adventurous woman and you made my friend very happy…’ her voice was quiet and sincere as she turned to me and smiled warmly before continuing ‘…and I’m sure, had I met you, we would have been the best of friends too. Now you’ve left this world, you’re a bright star in the night sky. You are missed and will always be loved.’

  I closed my eyes as she spoke and pictured Mairi jogging with me along this very beach, holding my hand as we laughed and chased each other across the sand. Her titian hair trailing across her face and her big green eyes sparkling with a mischievousness I loved so very much. Remembering I wasn’t alone, I opened my eyes and turned towards Mallory as she released her lantern.

  Reaching out, I squeezed her hand. ‘That was beautiful. Thank you.’ The tears in my eyes were ready to spill over but I took yet another calming breath as Mallory nodded her encouragement.

  As I began to speak, my voice wavered. ‘Mairi, my heart and my love, you were a vivacious, stunningly beautiful woman, both inside and out. I was so proud of you for all you achieved at such a young age. Your courage knew no bounds. When you walked into a room, all heads turned and you made everyone smile, especially me. Since you left, my world has got a little darker. I’ve spent the last year feeling a type of pain that no one else could understand. But Mallory came along and changed that. She helped me to come to terms with losing you. She helped me to come here today to say goodbye in a way I wasn’t able to do before. I miss you so much that sometimes I still feel physical pain, but I know that you can’t return and I have to try and let you go.’ I couldn’t fight the sob that burst from my throat. This was harder than I ever could’ve imagined. My heart was breaking all over again but I fought to carry on. ‘Please know that wherever you are, I will always, always love you.’

  I released my lantern and watched for a moment as it soared towards the heavens to join the other. Towards Mairi. I felt a part of my heart leaving with the glowing paper and I hoped that I could begin to move on. But knowing that the anniversary of her death was coming up, I was guessing it would be easier said than done.

  I blew out a shaking breath and rubbed my face before turning to Mallory. ‘Thank you for suggesting this. It’s been really cathartic.’ At that moment having Mallory here seeing me cry was insignificant. What she’d done for me, on the other hand, was the most significant experience I’d had since Mairi had died.

  I reached out and touched her cheek. ‘You need to know that I would never have let go of all this if it wasn’t for… your help.’ I could hardly get my words out and my voice broke, but I didn’t care. What she’d given me was so much more than anyone had since I lost the love of my life.

  Mallory shivered and so I slipped my arm around her shoulder as if it were the most natural thing in the world. A weight had been lifted from my shoulders. And even though I knew it was more than likely a temporary feeling, I grasped it with all my might, determined to hold onto it for as long as possible. Mairi was never coming back and I had to move on. Life kept sprinting forward and I had been struggling to keep up until now.

  After collecting some pieces of driftwood – out of which Mallory was bound to create something spectacular – we sat on the blanket under the stars for a while and I poured hot chocolate out of the flask I’d prepared. You see, I think of everything. This could have been the most romantic evening, but instead we sat there as friends sharing a common grief, gazing up at the stars and wondering if we were being observed from on high by our loved ones. I think it was one of the most profound evenings I’d ever spent.

  Chapter Thirty-four

  Monday evening Mallory and I were working behind the bar at the pub like a well-oiled machine. It was like a scene from Cocktail with Tom Cruise, only without the bottle tossing. I had suggested it, but Mallory had scowled at me, and I think I heard her swear too. Her reaction made me howl with laughter and call her a cowardy-custard, and she flicked me with a bar towel.

  A while later I caught her watching me. It was as if there was something she wanted to say. So after waiting for her to speak up I thought, fuck it, and stood before her.

  ‘Out with it, Westerman. I can see you’re desperate to say something,’ I said, arms crossed over my chest.

  She chewed on her lip. ‘I’ve… erm… had an idea.’

  I rolled my eyes. ‘How many times do I need to tell you that thinking is bad for you?’

  She pursed her lips and scowled again. I know it may sound incredibly desperate, but I had begun to love that scowl. ‘I’m being serious, McBradden.’

  ‘Okay… hit me with it.’

  ‘What, a brick? Tempting.’

  ‘Ha-ha. What’s the idea you’ve had?’

  She fell silent again as if trying to pluck up courage. ‘You know Sam’s ashes?’

  I scrunched my brow. My stomach dropped. I didn’t know what I’d been expecting, but it wasn’t anything to do with Sam’s ashes. ‘Yeah?’ I asked hesitantly.

  ‘Well… it’s nearly the end of July and I figure I need to scatter them at some point. And I think I have an idea as to how to go about it.’

  ‘Okay. What’s the idea?’

  ‘Well… Sam and I used to love travelling around the Highlands and…’ She closed her eyes for a moment, and when she opened them again, I could see the glisten of tears forming. ‘I thought…’ She took a deep breath. ‘I thought maybe I could travel around and scatter the ashes in all the places we visited. Is that silly?’ Her lower lip quivered and I wanted to wrap my arms around her.

  ‘I think it’s a wonderful idea. And I know for a fact, if Sam could tell you himself, he would say the same.’

  ‘The thing is…’

  I turned my mouth up at one side. ‘What’s the thing?’

  ‘I wondered if you would mind driving me.’ She cringed but I don’t know why.

  A feeling I couldn’t really understand overtook me. ‘Mallory, I would be honoured to go with you. Thank you for asking me to be a part of it.’

  She huffed the air from her lungs as if she’d been terrified to ask. ‘Thank you. It… it means a lot that you’ll go with me. You understand. I do appreciate it.’

  ‘Hey, that’s what friends do, eh? So, do you know the places you want to go?’

  ‘Yes, I have a list that I’ve drawn up. It might take quite a while… is that okay?’

  ‘We’ll take as long as you need, Mally.’ I liked the familiarity of shortening her name. It made me feel as if we were close friends. And I suppose after the things we’d shared, we were.

  She nodded but seemed unable to speak. She walked by me and squeezed my arm as she headed for the ladies’ toilets.

  *

  Once we left work that night I didn�
�t see Mallory for the rest of the week. I was tied up in doing odd jobs, taking Little Blue out and practising new songs. I compiled a CD of music that I thought she might like to listen to on our journey and I hoped I hadn’t overstepped the mark in doing so.

  As agreed I called for Mallory at seven on Saturday morning. She looked as if she hadn’t slept, and when I mentioned the CD I’d made, she burst into tears. At first I thought she was upset with me and that we were having a repeat of the ‘Chasing Cars’ incident in the pub. But then she put her arms around me and hugged me, resting her head on my chest. I had to chew the inside of my cheek to try and get a hold on my own emotions. Seeing me bawling my eyes out was the last thing she needed. But she had such a profound effect on me every single time she cried or became upset.

  I was turning into a bloody hormonal woman.

  We set out on the journey that I knew would be painful for her. I was glad I was there to help pick up the pieces if she needed me to. And I guessed she would need me to. We travelled in silence for much of the journey and I didn’t mind. Mallory needed time to think and I respected that. I wasn’t about to push her into talking inane crap as I usually did. Silence in company was always something I struggled with. But with Mallory silence was a little more comfortable.

  As we travelled I caught sight of the Buckle rising proudly from the moorland with the sun highlighting its summit. I could feel Mallory’s eyes on me when she realised where we were, but I stayed silent. This wasn’t about me. I felt sure that she was willing me to speak, but my eyes stayed firmly on the road ahead and I kept my trap shut.

  The second stop we made was at Glencoe Visitor Centre. I stayed with the Landy whilst Mallory went off and did what she needed to do. When I next caught sight of her, she was all red eyed and puffy; I was leaning with my arms folded, soaking up the early August sun.

  She lifted her hands and rubbed them over her eyes. ‘C’mon, breakfast is on me. The café should be open by now,’ she called to me from the edge of the car park. Deciding I could definitely eat, I jogged over to her and we made our way into the little café. I ordered bacon sandwiches and coffee, and we sat at a table by the window. We had a fantastic view of the mountains where they rose in their rugged splendour from the mossy ground and stretched towards the clouds like long-lost lovers, yearning to touch but unable to reach far enough.

  As I sat there I began to compare my relationship with Mairi to the one Mallory had with Sam. I realised I’d been silent for a while and glanced up to find Mallory studying me with concern etched on her face.

  Moving my gaze away from the view, I lifted my coffee cup but placed it down again with a sigh. ‘You know, I’m kind of jealous of the relationship you had with Sam. And I don’t mean because I have feelings for you or anything. I mean because of how intensely you loved each other.’ Why I’d said the thing about feelings, God only knows. But it was out there so I waited to see what she’d say, if anything.

  Her brow furrowed. ‘It’s clear to me that your love for Mairi was intense.’

  Was it one-sided, though? Why was I suddenly thinking this way?

  I heaved a sigh. ‘The thing with Mairi was… she was adventurous. She was always looking for that next natural high. I supported her, of course I did, but since I lost her, I’ve often wondered how long it would have taken for her to move on anyway.’ Why am I saying this out loud? Why am I saying it now?

  ‘Greg, you can’t think that way. I’m sure she loved you just the same.’

  I was filled with doubt. ‘It’s just… The more I’ve looked back, since meeting you and witnessing how strong things were for you guys, the more I got to analysing my relationship. You see, Mairi was a good deal younger than me and, if I’m honest, I worry that maybe things were one-sided.’

  The waitress chose that moment to bring our food and it gave me a chance to think about what I was saying. ‘I think that all along I feared she’d leave. Her being killed like that almost suspends her in time. It makes me look at how wonderful things were. I’m happy in the Highlands. It’s where I belong, where I feel safe and at home. Mairi was always looking to the horizon. I think it was niggling at the back of my mind all along that she might meet someone else on one of her trips. You know… someone who was a bit more adventurous, like her.’ Sadness washed over me and Mallory just sat there listening intently.

  She eventually reached across the table and grabbed my wrist. ‘Greg, what you’ve suffered, what we’ve suffered is the worst possible thing that could happen to anyone in love. But… If you dwell on things you can never possibly know you’ll drive yourself mad. At the end of the day no one truly knows what goes on in someone’s mind. All you can do is focus on the wonderful times you shared and how you felt when you were with her. That’s what’s real. She chose you. Out of all the people she met on her travels and climbs, you were the one she came home to. You were the one she made plans with. That’s the important thing. Everything else is… is conjecture. So stop trying to figure out who loved who more. It’s not healthy. And it won’t help you. Wondering what if never does, believe me.’

  Of course she was totally right and I felt like a shit. ‘Sorry. This day isn’t about me. I’m waffling on.’

  ‘No… no, it’s fine. It helps to talk. But from the things you’ve said she loved you madly, Greg. Hold onto that.’

  ‘You’re right. What we had was real. I don’t know why the insecurity’s surfaced now. I think I’m… scared. I’m scared I’ll never find it again, you know? What Mairi and I had, what you and Sam had… I want that again. I want to be a father and get married and all the usual stuff but I’m not exactly in my twenties anymore.’ I forced a laugh, trying to lighten the mood.

  The problem was, I’d recently made the terrible discovery that I wanted those things with her. With Mallory. It was a pointless hope and ridiculous considering how long I’d known her and what I knew of her situation. And I had loved Mairi with all of my broken, cynical, damaged heart.

  Realising I’d poured a little too much of my heart out, I added, ‘Don’t get me wrong, I would have married her after the first date. And all the emotions I felt… feel… are still real. Nothing can change that.’

  She smiled warmly and squeezed my arm again. ‘I know that. And you can still have all of that again. Don’t give up hope. You know what they say… Love conquers all.’

  My breath caught in my throat as she uttered the words that—unbeknownst to her—I had inked in Gaelic script on my chest. I was momentarily dumbstruck but eventually I recovered my composure. She was right yet again. But the fact remained, I felt torn in two, sitting here talking about my past with Mairi but desperately, and unreasonably, hoping for a future with the woman before me. Guilt at my renewed emotional betrayal began to needle at me from within as I was ever drawn to the stunning, compassionate blue gaze belonging to my friend across the table.

  My friend.

  Chapter Thirty-five

  The Ardnamurchan peninsula had always been a favourite place of mine, and with the amber hues of the summer day glistening across it, the place came to life. After crossing the calm, mirror-like water of Loch Linnhe on the Corran car ferry, we drove on a little farther through the shadows that danced on the road, made by the sun casting its glow through the Douglas fir trees. We parked up and walked towards the water’s edge at Loch Shiel where the Glenfinnan monument stood proudly peering out towards the famous viaduct.

  Mallory asked to be alone and so I respected her wishes. I waited at the base of the monument as she walked over and sat on a huge, gnarled tree stump and hugged the urn close to her body. She delved into the pot and raised her hand in the air, letting the cloud of ashes fly free on the warm, gentle breeze. Her head dropped and her shoulders shuddered. I stood by feeling helpless and wishing I had the strength or supernatural ability to take away her pain but also knowing that she needed this time to be alone with her memories.

  Eventually, with a tear-streaked face, she arrived by my side
and we set off back towards the car. I silently slipped my arm around her shoulder in what I hoped was a comforting gesture. She nestled into my side, clearly needing the closeness of human contact. She was doing so well, and in a way, I admired her.

  We spent lunchtime in a little pub by Fort Augustus. I was absolutely starving and ordered the steak pie. Mallory was distant throughout lunch and getting her to open up was difficult. I guessed the stop off at Glenfinnan had been emotionally draining.

  The next stop was Fort Augustus itself, but we didn’t stay long. Mallory was heartbroken when we strolled over the lock bridge stretching across the Caledonian canal to the ice-cream parlour that she had been to with Sam, only to discover it had changed use and in its place was a standard café. It was as if she couldn’t get away fast enough.

  After a quiet journey just listening to the music I had brought, Mallory gazed out of the window. I couldn’t see her eyes but I was sure they were filled with sadness. I parked the Landy up at Eilean Donan Castle, which was perched on a spit of land stretching out into Loch Duich. The imposing structure fascinated me, and as Mallory walked up onto the footbridge, I took out my camera and began snapping away.

  Trying to be as discreet as possible, I zoomed in on Mallory’s face as her gaze trailed over the view beyond the loch. Watching her through the lens, I could see the pain in her eyes and the crease in her brow as the tears left glistening trails down her flushed cheeks. I clicked the shutter release without really thinking. Even in her grief she was beautiful. She had a warm heart that was filled with anguish, and in that moment, I knew I would do anything to help her find happiness. Even if it wasn’t with me. Which it most likely wouldn’t be. A fact I would have to get used to.

  She began to walk away from the castle with her head down, and I made my way towards her. ‘Hey, are you all right?’

  ‘I’m okay. I found that bit so hard.’ Her trembling lower lip and swollen eyes told me she was anything but okay.