Love Me Like You Won't Let Go

by Toppen, Melissa

  “I can’t do this with you,” she interrupts, pulling away from my touch.

  “You didn’t marry him,” I remind her, knowing that couldn’t have been for nothing.

  “I didn’t.” She shakes her head slowly from side to side, avoiding my gaze as she stares down at her casted arm. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not just as confused as I was yesterday, or last week, or even last month for that matter. I can’t just walk away from two years with Tyler and move on like it never happened. I didn’t leave him for you. I left him because you coming back made me see that even though I loved him, I didn’t love him the way I needed to.”

  “You left him because you love me, B. You know you do.” I guide her face upward by gently placing my finger under her chin and lifting.

  She holds my gaze for a long moment, so many questions swimming behind her eyes. Questions I wish I had the answers to. Words I wish I could say to make her see how much she means to me.

  “I do love you,” she finally confesses. “I never stopped loving you. But loving you doesn’t make the pain of losing him disappear. Don’t you see that? I destroyed him, Asher. How could I do that to him?” Her chin quivers as a new onslaught of tears stream from her eyes.

  “Sometimes hurting people is necessary to go after what you really want.”

  “I guess you would know,” she bites, apology softening her features the instant she says it.

  “You’re right. I do know,” I agree, knowing I deserve far worse than to have that pointed out. “I know how badly I hurt you, and how impossible it felt doing it. And I’ll spend the rest of my life regretting that I did that to you, but I wouldn’t change it,” I say, not missing the way her brows draw together like she can’t believe I said that. “I wouldn’t change it because at the time it’s what I needed. It’s easy for me to say I would take it all back if I could because it kills me to know what I put you through, but at the end of the day, I would have hurt you far worse had I stayed. So no, I wouldn’t change it. Maybe how I did it, but not that I did it. I had to leave, B. I had to. But I’m back now and I swear to you that I will never, ever leave you again. Do you hear me?” I reach up, cupping her face in my hands. “You are everything to me. It took living without you to know that I never want to do it again. Give me a chance. Let me love you. Let me love you like I won’t let go. Because this time I swear to you, I never will.”

  “I want to.” She reaches up and wraps her hand around my wrist. “I want to let you, Asher, but I can’t. Not yet. Please. If you love me like you say you do, give me some time to figure all this out. I gave you six years,” she says, pulling my hand from her face. “The least you can do is give me a few days.”

  “I’ll give you whatever you need.” I pull my other hand away. “But not until I’ve had a chance to say everything I need to say.” I pause, gauging her reaction.

  I wait until she nods before continuing.

  “No one has ever understood me like you do. One look and it’s like you know exactly what I’m thinking. I could never hide from you. And that’s one of the reasons why I left. I didn’t want you to see how broken I was. How weak. I wanted to be the strong one, the one you knew would always be there to carry you when you couldn’t find the strength to walk. The one who pushed you when you lacked confidence. The one who held your hand when you were afraid. But after I lost my dad...” I stop talking, taking a deep breath. “After I lost my dad I couldn’t be any of those things for you. And I worried that I never would be able to again. Any attempt to do so would’ve been me faking it and I knew you’d see right through it. I’d rather you hate me for leaving than not love me for being the man you thought I was.”

  “Asher.” She reaches out, pushing my hair back away from my face. “I wish you would have talked to me, told me how you were feeling instead of pushing me away. It was my turn to be strong for you because that’s what you do for the people you love. Nothing you would have done would have made me love you any less.”

  “I see that now.” I take her hand, turning it upward before pressing a kiss to her palm. “I’m sorry I didn’t see it then.”

  “I forgive you,” she whispers. “But I’m not ready to forget. I need time, Asher. Time to figure out how I feel. Time to figure out what I want. And I need you to give me that time.”

  “I can do that,” I say, making no attempt to move.

  “Please leave, Asher,” she says, pulling her hand out of my grasp.

  “Okay.” I push to a stand, hovering over her. “But when you’re ready, you know where to find me.” I lean down to press a light kiss to the top of her head. “I love you,” I whisper, before forcing my feet to walk away when all I want to do is pull her into my arms and never leave her.

  Chapter Thirty-one

  Blakely

  Two weeks later

  My hand shakes as I lift it to the door and knock. It feels strange knocking on a door that I used to walk right into without a second thought.

  My stomach twists as I listen to his footsteps grow near, and it nearly drops to my feet when the door swings open and Tyler appears on the other side.

  My chest tightens and emotion stings the back of my throat as I take in the sight of him. Instead of his usual put together attire, he’s wearing an old wrinkled shirt and sweat pants with bare feet. If I had to guess I’d say his face hasn’t seen a razor since what was supposed to be our wedding day and his hair is uncharacteristically disheveled.

  Given the way he’s looking at me right now I’d say I am about the last person he expected to see on his doorstep.

  “What are you doing here?” he grumbles, barely able to look at me. “I already gave all your stuff to Allison last week.”

  “Actually, I was hoping we could talk,” I say, not missing the emotion that sweeps across his face at my words. “Can I come in?”

  “I guess,” he says after a long moment, pulling the door open so that I can slide inside.

  My eyes quickly sweep across the piles of boxes littering the living room before turning back to Tyler. He shuts the door and walks right past me without a glance.

  “You’re packing,” I observe, gesturing around the room.

  “What gave that away?” he clips, speaking with malice. His tone is distant and cold, which I guess is what I should have expected given what I did to him.

  “Where are you going?” I ask, stopping just shy of the couch.

  “Huntington.” He leans forward and grabs an empty box.

  “To be closer to work?” I ask.

  He nods.

  “I only stayed in Tomlin...” He trails off, not finishing the sentence.

  “For me,” I finish for him, already knowing what he was going to say. “I’m so sorry, Tyler,” I start, but he quickly cuts me off.

  “If you came here to give me some sob story about how awful you feel for leaving me on our wedding day, you can save it.” He drops the box next to his feet, his gaze cutting through me like a sharp knife.

  “But I do feel awful,” I argue.

  “Yeah. I bet you and Asher are all tore up about my broken heart.” He rolls his eyes.

  “It kills me that I hurt you,” I continue, ignoring his statement.

  “So how long did it take?” He narrows his gaze at me. “A day? An hour? Hell, I bet you went straight to him,” he grinds out.

  It takes me a minute to realize what he’s getting at.

  “I’m not with Asher, Tyler.”

  “Yeah, right. Even after all this you still can’t be fucking honest with me.”

  “I’m not with Asher,” I say more forcefully. “I didn’t leave you for Asher. You need to know that. I won’t lie to you and tell you that Asher coming back had nothing to do with it; you already know it did. And I also won’t lie to you and say that he and I will never get back together, because one day we might. But it’s important that you know that me leaving had everything to do with us.”

  “You mean it had everything to do with me. You co
uldn’t handle the fact that I wasn’t him.”

  “That’s not true. I loved you, Tyler. I still love you. But when I was with you, I wasn’t being a hundred percent honest with myself. Asher coming home forced me to see that. There was never any spark between us. No butterflies. No excitement. You were safe and consistent. I never had to worry about waking up one day to find you gone. I knew you’d always stand by me and that’s what I thought I wanted. I thought I could live without all the other stuff as long as I felt safe. But I started to realize I need more than that. And it was nothing you did wrong, or even I did wrong for that matter. Those feelings never existed between us and if you’re honest with yourself you’ll see that too.”

  “Don’t pretend to know how I feel. Just because you didn’t feel a certain way about me doesn’t mean I didn’t feel it for you. Just because I wasn’t your person doesn’t mean you weren’t mine. I thought you were my forever, Blakely. When I met you I thought to myself, this is it, this is the girl I’m going to marry. Guess the jokes on me.” He grabs the empty box at his feet and drops it next to a stack of books on the coffee table.

  “I can’t tell you how sorry I am,” I start, jumping when he picks up a book and slams it into the box.

  “I don’t care, Blakely. Honestly, I don’t care how sorry you are.” He drops another book into the box before looking up to meet my gaze. “I gave you so many chances to tell me the truth. Hell, I practically begged you to.”

  “I can’t explain it. At the time I didn’t think I was lying. I meant it when I said I loved you. I meant it when I said I wanted to marry you. Those things were true when I said them.”

  “Then what changed?”

  “I wish I could answer that. The day leading up to the wedding, I don’t know, everything felt off. And then I was standing there getting ready to walk down the aisle and I panicked. I didn’t think about what it would do to you. All I could think was that I had to get out of there.”

  “Why? Why wait until the wedding if you were having second thoughts? Why wait until I was standing at the altar, waiting for you? Why did you have to humiliate me like that? As if you leaving wasn’t bad enough. All of our friends and family had to bear witness.”

  “Because I didn’t know until that moment.”

  “Bullshit. You don’t just decide something like that without thinking it through. And we both know what this was about. We both know if Asher hadn’t come back we’d be married right now. And you know what, we’d probably be really happy.”

  “You’re right. We probably would be married and maybe we would have been happy for a time. But for how long? How long until I started to realize that what we had wasn’t enough? A year? Five years? After we had children?”

  “You were happy with me.”

  “I was. Until I wasn’t anymore.”

  “Because of him.”

  “Because of everything. There is no one thing or person, but more a compilation of many things. Deep down I’ve always known there was something missing but I cared for you so deeply that I ignored it. I pushed the feeling away because I wanted this so badly.” I gesture between the two of us. “You’re an incredible man, Tyler. Probably the best man I’ve ever known. You’re handsome and successful. Caring and attentive. Loyal to a fault. You are everything a woman would ever need in a husband, in a partner.”

  “Then why wasn’t I enough for you?” He releases the book in his hand and it thuds loudly against the other books in the box.

  “I wish I could give you a good reason. I wish I could. But the truth is, I don’t know why. I wanted you to be enough. I really did.” I blink back the tears welling in my eyes and take a deep breath to steady my emotions.

  “I wish I was.”

  “I know you’re angry with me. I know I hurt you deeply and I want you to know how truly sorry I am. I know I’ve already said it but I just need to say it again. I need you to understand that even though this was my choice, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt me too. You were the central part of my life for two years. I miss waking up and not seeing your face. Not being able to talk to you whenever I want,” I admit truthfully, tears stinging the backs of my eyes. “I miss late night takeout and you randomly popping into the shop to see me. And I think I’ll continue to miss those things for a very long time. So while yes, I did this to you, I also did it to me too.”

  “That really doesn’t make me feel any better,” he tells me flatly, abandoning the box he’s packing as he straightens and squares his shoulders.

  “I didn’t figure it would. But I wanted you to know. I didn’t want me leaving you at the altar to be the last thing you would remember about me. I felt like you deserved answers and while I haven’t done a very good job of giving them to you, I at least hope I was able to give you some closure.” I take a small step toward him. “One of these days you’re going to find someone who loves you as much as you love them. When that happens you’re going to know that I was right. You’re going to see that all of this was for a reason. That there was something more out there for both of us.”

  “I really don’t want to think about that right now.” He shakes his head. “I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I lost you. I can’t even entertain the idea of someone new. So please, just stop.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “So you’ve said already,” he points out, his voice void of emotion. “If you’re about finished, I need to get back to packing. The moving truck will be here first thing in the morning.”

  “Of course.” I make no attempt to move.

  “Please, Blakely. It’s taking a lot for me to hold it together. I just can’t. It hurts too much. I can’t stand here and look at you and not want to touch you, kiss you, pull you into my arms and never let go.” The words pour from his lips so quickly I wonder if he had time to process what he said before he said it. “Please, just go,” he adds after a long pause.

  A sad smile slides across my lips and I nod once before heading toward the door.

  I thought coming here would be a good idea. I thought maybe we’d both feel better after a little closure. So why is it that I feel a million times worse?

  “Blakely,” Tyler calls just as I pull the door open.

  I turn, seeing that he hasn’t moved an inch.

  “Good luck with everything. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

  “Thank you.” My voice breaks. “I hope you do as well.” I force a smile before quickly exiting the condo.

  I manage to make it to my car before the tears I’ve been fighting back break free. I drop my face into my hands and let the sobs rack my body.

  I cry for Tyler – for what I put him through and how badly he’s hurting. I cry for Asher – for the boy I lost and the man that came back. And I cry for myself. Right here, slouched down in the driver’s seat of my car, in the parking lot of the condo I shared with Tyler for over a year, I cry. I cry until I physically can’t cry anymore. And when the tears finally stop, when I finally manage to pull myself together, I feel lighter than I have in a very long time.

  It may not mean much, but at the very least it’s a start.

  Chapter Thirty-two

  Blakely

  “I can’t believe you went to see Tyler.” Mary reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. “That had to be incredibly hard.”

  “It was,” I admit. “A lot harder than I thought it would be, truthfully. Why, if this is what I wanted, does it hurt so badly?”

  “Because you loved him.”

  “I did. I really did,” I agree. “God, what the hell is wrong with me? I had the perfect guy, a guy who would have done anything for me and I threw him away. And for what?”

  “Because you know there’s more out there. Honey, there’s no shame in fighting for your fairy tale. You deserve to get the ending you want, not the one you settle for.”

  “But what if I made a mistake? What if letting Tyler go ends up being the biggest regret of my life?”

&nb
sp; “Then that’s a regret you’ll have to live with. But I think you already know that it wasn’t a mistake. Asher coming home only shed light on the cracks you kept trying to cover up. And I think the fact that you haven’t gone to Asher, that you’re giving yourself time to figure things out, is really commendable. If it were me I don’t know that I would have the strength to do that.”

  “Speaking of Asher.” I twirl my finger around the rim of my wine glass. “Have you talked to him?”

  “I have.” She nods, taking a sip of her cocktail.

  “And?” I question when she doesn’t say anymore. “How is he?”

  “He’s okay.” She looks at her fingers wrapped around the stem of her glass, clearly trying to decide if she should say more.

  I guess I get it. Mary and Asher have become pretty good friends since he came back. I can understand her hesitance to play the middle man. At first their friendship bothered me, but now I’m glad he has her. I’m glad that he has someone he can turn to. Someone he can talk to.

  “He got an apartment,” she finally blurts.

  “He did?” I rear back in surprise.

  “Signed the lease last week. Decided he wanted to stop wasting money at the hotel. That’s where he’s at right now, actually. He got the keys today.”

  “Wasn’t he looking at houses?”

  “He was. I guess he decided to wait for a few months until he gets everything going with the grill.”

  “The grill?” I ask, not trying to hide my confusion.

  “Ray’s. He bought it. Surely he told you that?” She cocks her head to the side.

  “I knew he was thinking about it. I didn’t realize he had purchased it.”

  “With everything that’s been going on, he probably never got the chance to tell you. His offer was accepted a little over three weeks ago. He’s been waiting for the financing to go through, which it did Thursday. It’s officially his.”

  “Wow. He actually did it,” I say, a little surprised that he went through with it. Deep down I think I’ve been waiting for him to disappear again but this means he really is here to stay. Doesn’t it?